The O'Frenzys 3.1
Warnings: Language, dirty jokes, old people in terrifying states of undress.
Last time - Scrum married Linda, they had a son named Sonic and the marriage ended in disaster when Linda grabbed Pringles' bottom.
Scrum was also chatting up a woman named Martine who had SECOND WIFE stamped all over her, mainly because I made her that way.
And she does a shithot Mrs. Danvers impression, I think you'll agree.
Her dalliances with Scrum and his Michael Phelps-like swimmers have produced the usual result, though.
(It's funny - Scrum is lazy, dumb and hopeless at everything except knocking women up. That he's fucking brilliant at.)
Cheerie? Do you have anything to say about this turn of events? Your son's gone and impregnated that poor girl.
Come on, woman. You've had three children. You know as well as anyone what Martine's dashes to the bathroom mean.
What the fuck are you cooking, anyway?
Cheerie: "Mmmm. Smells like grandchildren."
Ahhh. So that's your game, is it?
Cheerie: "Eat up, dear. You're eating for three now."
Cheerie, you evil old cow. Let me count the ways in which I love thee.
Scrum makes it official.
Scrum: "Marry me, or my mother will fucking kill me if the kids don't have my last name."
Martine: "What kids?"
Oh, yeah - you've sort of got one already. Hi Sonic.
Scrum: "Daddy's getting married, kid!"
Sonic: "Why Daddy?"
Scrum: "Because Grandma said she'd put Daddy's nadgers in the blender if he didn't."
I have no idea where the bride's got to. Or who this kid is.
And where the fuck is Pringles?
No, Martine. Just no.
Well? Get on with it, you two.
Scrum, I said marry the poor pregnant woman, not tell her a dirty joke about how your train is so big it won't fit her tunnel.
Oaf.
By the time he's got the ring on her finger everyone else has fucked off.
Six minutes without a rugby ball in her hand was too long for Cheerie.
Aww. At least these two have patched things up.
Or not.
Pringles: "You're standing on my foot."
Cheerie: "Yes, darling. I know. Does it hurt?"
Pringles: "Yes."
Cheerie: "Oh good."
No, Pringles is not amused by his new daughter-in-law.
Pringles: "I WANT THE ONE WITH THE FRILLY KNICKERS BACK!!! THIS ONE'S GOT NO TITS!!!"
Sonic grows up.
Oh Christ. He's a bit doe-eyed, isn't he?
Interesting temperament though. Takes after his father in that respect.
And Martine sploops out the newest additions...
With the usual audience of screaming dingbats.
First comes a boy, Scrabble.
And a girl, Twist.
Because Scrum's hobby is gaming I decided to give all three kids games related names. Sonic is pretty self-explanatory. Scrabble, obviously, is named after the fun for all the family word board game. (I say 'fun', but of course it usually ends with someone being threatened with the thick end of the Oxford English Dictionary because they tried to sneak a brand name or an acronym in there somewhere - usually on a triple word score.) Twist is named after the innocent and fun childhood game of Twister - which is almost never played innocently by children because their sexually awkward teenage siblings are using the mat to cop a furtive feel or their parents are using it as an icebreaker at Swingers parties.
But, here we are. The first O'Frenzy twins. Scrabble and Twist.
Off to a fine, stinking, screaming start, then.
And it gets better.
Twist borks her birthday cake and ends up dumped in a pile of her own shit next to a heap of rubbish.
Scrum is not amused.
Scrabble does slightly better.
And Twist gets it right on the second try, although she ends up with her confetti mingled with Pringles' disgusted anti-hearts for Martine.
Bizarrely, both twins have elf-ears. I don't know where they came from. Martine has enormous ears, but they're not pointed.
Still, for the present time, the ears help the twins to look an awful lot like horrid goblins.
They need no help in behaving like horrid goblins, however.
NO YOU CAN NOT HAS MUMMY BECAUSE IT IS THREE O'CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING AND MUMMY IS SLEEPING.
Cheerie is an awesome grandma.
"CHILD - DARE YOU TURN AND FACE THE HORROR OF GRANZILLA? ROWR, STOMP! RRAAAAAAARRR!!!"
"NO, CHILD - DO NOT ASK ME TO FORSWEAR DESTROYING TOKYO - I CANNOT DO IT, FOR I AM GRANZILLA!!! ROAR!!!"
If you're wondering what kind of father Scrum is, then the word SHIT sums it up quite nicely.
This was the third attempt. Every time Scrabble moved towards the bottle Scrum would pick up the bottle and put in the trash disposal.
Twist looks promising, I must say. That's definitely Scrum's nose, but Martine's ears and chin.
Scrabble looks more like Martine - not a bad thing, because Martine is pretty damn unsightly.
Up you go, you little shitsacks. Show me the ugly!
Hmm. Not bad. Vaguely simian.
Oh Twist - just beautiful.
Martine's chin and Scrum's nose make for an awesome profile. Unfortunately she'll probably end up looking cute because most Maxis girls do, but she's got some genuinely rotten genes in there.
Sonic is delighted to have playmates of his own age at last.
Scrabble's impression of a Pez dispenser was always a hit at parties.
Unfortunately for Sonic the whole 'being the same age as your siblings' thing goes away.
And it doesn't do to hit puberty in front of grandma.
Sonic: "Hey Grandma - I growed!"
Cheerie: "Move your ass, boy - or I'll shove this thing right up it."
He's not too bright, although that was to be expected, what with Linda for a mother. (If you were worrying about Linda, she's fine. She lives in a spare wing of Tackle's mock-Tudor mansion and she's currently embroiled in a hot affair with the mailman, the nextdoor neighbour, some dude from the gym, Victor Aspir and the Pizza Boy.)
And this fucking dickwhistle for a father.
Scrum...you might have noticed that everything is hot and sort of orange?
Yeah, THAT MEANS THE KITCHEN IS ON FIRE, YOU MORON.
Bitch all you want. You burnt it, you eat it.
Taking after grandma, I see. God, she really does look like a goblin. I love her.
I see what you're doing there, Twist. Encouraging your brother to be a little shit too.
These bedtime shenanigans are commonplace now that the twins are children. They almost never sleep through the night.
Don't you try and look cute, Missy. I know damn well you and your brother are malevolent little bastards.
They stay up all hours, honestly - out of bed at three in the morning for prolonged sessions of bed-jumping, pillow-fighting and shit-talking.
Twist: "You know grandma's brother is called Spaghetti? Well, Grandma said Spaghetti came out of her daddy's butt. Get it? Spaghetti came out of his butt."
Scrabble: "SPAGHETTI CAME OUT OF HIS BUTT!!! ROFL!!!"
Pretending to be cute again, I see.
Hug Mummy!
MAIM MUMMY WITH A HOMICICALLY HURLED BASEBALL!
Oh, and these two? They just keep getting worse. They're like spaz enablers to their grandchildren. They're up half the night acting like silly motherfuckers too, since they're ancient and seem to need about two hours sleep a night. Every night is the same - they go to bed about three in the morning (just as Scrabble and Twist are waking up and looking for trouble.) then they bang each other stupid, sleep for about an hour, two hours and then wander around in their pants all day.
See? They just don't give a shit.
Scrabble: "I wonder if Grandma will tell me off if I jump on the bed?"
"Only one way to find out..."
Scrabble: "WHEEE!!! GRANDMA!!! LOOK AT ME, I'M OVERHEATING!!!"
Yeah. You're just not getting a reaction, Scrabble. Where the hell are your parents anyway?
Ah. Hi Scrum.
Scrum: "So rich. So bored."
Oh, cry me a river, bitch.
Martine is not much use either. She just hangs out with Spaghetti and occasionally burns meals. Like Scrum, she's a looker, but no personality.
The twins, on the other hand...
Heaps of personality.
Okay, so it's mostly whininess or all out rage with these two, but they have a way of making themselves noticed, especially Twist, who's as freakishly outgoing as Scrabble is shy.
Rage and bitch all you want, kiddo - if you stopped getting up at four o'clock in the morning to break the bedsprings, thump your brother and generally twat about then YOU WOULDN'T BE TIRED, WOULD YOU?
It's all too much for Twist, and she crashes out on the couch in the late afternoon.
She wanted to be nice and fresh and wide-awake for another episode of her usual four AM. fuckery, you see.
Yeah...I wonder where they get it from.
You may think they're cute.
But Twist is deadly serious about eliminating any heir competition.
I mean, who wouldn't want to be heir to a castle with this kind of hotness decorating the drive?
This is pretty much the view outside Castle Anthrax now - and has been for some time. I'd fix up the frontage, but I doubt any amount of plants and statuary would take away the focus from the Senior Citizens Underpants Rugby tournament that continues day and night, rain or shine.
Yes, thank you, you two. Stop running around hitting one another and play quietly for five minutes, please.
Scrabble: "Check it out! Grandma died!"
Twist, you fell for it, you terrible ninny.
Grandma's fine. She's right where you left her. Out front in her gruesome, flesh coloured granny pants.
Scrum is now so bored he can't even be bothered to get dressed or get out of bed.
I'm not sure he's even been formally introduced to these two.
Scrabble had just picked up the 'phone, you see. It was Sonic on the line wanting to talk to Scrum.
Scrum took so long to get off his arse that the twins had progressed from pillow-fights to cops and robbers and Sonic had hung up in disgust.
Scrabble: "Scrum O'Frenzy - I find you guilty of child neglect!"
Twist: "NOOOOOO! I can't go to jail! I'm too pretty for prison!"
Scrum: "What are you kids doing?"
Twist: "We're playing Daddy V. The Social Worker, Daddy! I'm being you!"
Scrum: "Refresh my memory - who are you when you're not being me?"
Poor kids.
And poor Sonic, but it's not all doom and gloom for Sonic.
I think we can all agree that he looks wonderfully like a teapot from the side.
Martine...exists.
And Scrum gets an eyeful once again. I'd feel sorry for him if he wasn't such a tub of lard. He's got this lovely house, heaps of money and the capacity to be the biggest, richest stuck-up bastard in the neighbourhood.
Except he's kind of let down by the fossilised semi-nudists prancing beside the ornamental fountain. That shit just don't fly with the country club set.
I buy them a customised hearse with a surfboard on top, because they make me happy.
They admire the car...
Then proceed to embarrass the shit out of their daughter, who was just passing.
"I see England, I see France, I see Grandma's underpants!"
Oh Twist - who hasn't?
In case you hadn't seen enough of old people in their pants this update...
Get your smustle on, elderly pants people!
Pringles calls this move "The dog at the fire hydrant."
I literally never want these silly old fuckers to die. They make me cry laughing.
But you can't mess with Father Time.
Cheerie: "Hotness!"
Pringles: "BAWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!"
Cheerie: "What?"
Oh.
Cheerie: "Hey bony! Wanna wrestle?"
"You don't wrestle? A strapping young man like you?"
"Is that a pina colada? Do you like pina colada? And walks in the rain?"
And the smiliest death award goes to CHEERIE O'FRENZY!
Pringles and the twins catch on. Scrum and Martine...well, not so much.
An hour or two later, Pringles goes into the study and stares at Cheerie's portrait.
For ages.
Pringles: "BOOOOO!!! LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HER! SHE WAS OLDER, FOR A START!"
Aw, Pringles - that was almost a touching moment. Except you broke out the crabby old man shit at the last minute.
So, that's that. Cheerie O'Frenzy - the first baby born into this Uglacy. She fought off spectacular heir competition from her noseless green alien half-brother, tied knots in several llamas in college, popped out two ugly babies (and one Dropkick) and was generally a pretty fucking awesome old lady.
I must admit it did leave a lump in my throat when Pringles left the room and left me staring at her portrait.
And then Scrum wandered in.
Scrum: "Mummy? Mummy? MUMMY?? NOOOOOO!!!"
Took you long enough to figure that one out.
Oaf.
Next time - the twins get their fug on, Pringles gets even older and there is a shocking development at Sim State.