The O'Frenzy Uglacy 3.0
Warnings: Language, sexual situations.
Last time, Dropkick, Tackle and Scrum joined their green cousin Tycho at Sim State and Scrum fell in love with a Michael Jackson impersonator and all round genius named Linda.
But we interrupt the official unveiling of the generation three heir to bring you...
...*DRAMATIC MUSIC*...
Tackle: "What's that noise in the middle of the night...could it be...?"
"HOTDOG!?"
OH. MY. GOD.
Hotdog: "Oh hi, motherfucker. I remember you. We had a little disagreement about hollandaise, as I recall."
Geoffrey the Burglar: "Oh shit - you're the one who thinks ketchup is a vegetable, aren't you?"
Hot Dog: "FUCK YOUR ELITIST COOKERY IN THE FACE, MOTHERFUCKER!!!"
Geoffrey: "YOU CAN'T TELL ME CHEEZ WHIZ IS AN ACCEPTABLE ALTERNATIVE TO A HOMEMADE CHEESE SAUCE!!!"
Hotdog: "CHEEZ WHIZ AND MAYONNAISE, ASSHOLE! THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE A CHEESE SAUCE!!!"
Geoffrey: "THAT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I'VE EVER HEARD!!!"
Hotdog: "You're going down."
Geoffrey: "I don't care. Prison food is bad but Cheez Whiz and mayo? Your cooking is bad and you should feel bad."
Hotdog: "Shut the fuck up, Egon Ronay."
Tackle can only watch in awe as the elusive law enforcer/culinary fuckup slinks into the night.
Wherever there is crime, or a need for a truly repulsive 'tuna casserole', Hotdog will be there, kicking arse and cooking the living daylights out of the pasta.
(If you're thinking that burglar looked familiar, that's because he's Tycho's fiance. Things were awkward between him and Tackle for some time.)
But...the heir, by a nose
And what a nose...
...is of course, Scrum.
And his braindead girlfriend Linda.
This is Linda's chewy-face. It looks no different to her normal face.
I expect great things of this girl.
I'd say I expect great things of Scrumbles too, but he's pretty much the great lumbering oaf he always was. Stupid boy.
Hi Cheerie. How's retirement treating you?
Intense Underwear Computer Gaming Sessions Are Intense.
What are you playing, woman?
Really?
Cheerie, I don't even know how to begin to help you.
Linda's first act is to re-decorate Mackenzie and Ashlee's old suite.
Naturally this brings the founders out to have a shufti, because apparently ghosts are fascinated by interior design. Especially beds.
Ashlee: "WOOOOOO!!! LOVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH THE PLACE, GURL!"
Mackenzie: "Looks like a cross between a knocking shop and a 70's tandoori restaurant - on the whole, I like it...God, this wallpaper makes me crave a lamb biriyani. And a prostitute. Too bad I'm dead."
Linda is...unphased.
Linda: "So, your parents are awesome! They're like all transparent and paranormal and shit."
Scrum: "Uh...what?"
Linda: "They totally said the wallpaper was hot. And then they floated out again."
Scrum: "Sorry...I...what are you talking about? My parents are downstairs, watching TV. You met them earlier."
Linda: "Yeah - but these were your other parents, y'know? The see-through floaty ones?"
Scrum: "No...I...never mind."
Time to say a proper goodbye to Mackenzie and Ashlee - I can't have them clogging up the lot and haunting the bedroom when there are babbies to be formed.
That's...interesting, you two. Scrum looks like Clive of India and Linda looks like...I don't even know.
Linda: "Hot pink leopard print is sexy!"
Wedding party consists of the parents, Aunty Joy and some bitch who was passing and just decided to invite herself. Joy is not amused.
Obligatory wedding picture.
Who is Linda thinking about in this picture? I'll give you a clue - it's not Scrum.
Linda: "You're almost as hot as your Daddy."
Joy: "I give it six months, tops."
Scrum: "Time to consummate the marriage, Mrs. O'Frenzy!"
Linda: "...huh? What does that big word mean?"
Scrum: "Um...consummate...uh...let me see. It's when you finish something, I suppose...er...usually in the context of marriage it means sexual relations on the wedding night..."
Linda: "OH! You mean you wanna do it? Why didn't you say so?"
Small words go a long way with Linda.
Well, Scrum's swimmers plainly didn't waste any time.
Linda! Yes! Well done! Sex makes babies! You're catching on, girl!
What the...
...fuuuuuck?
There are old people running around the place in wetsuits!?
I don't even want to contemplate the logistics of that, you two.
They eventually leave off the latex-encased hot-tub sex for...midnight wetsuit rugby?
Why can't you two just play golf or bowls like normal old folks?
Back to your watercolours, you unsettling elderly oddball.
Most shocked pop ever.
Linda, I thought we'd covered the whole sex = babies thing?
I don't think she grasped it.
And can we get a close-up on that face?
Yeah...I just...
This family is full of freaks and mutants, I swear to God. Linda appears to have tusks and Pringles here is the Amazing Elastic Geriatric.
I fear for generation four.
Which is coming along right about now.
And it's a boy, named Sonic.
Pringles immediately latches on to his new grandson. (Who is not his first, by the way. Dropkick and Peter the Garden Guy have a son named Richard Simmons O'Frenzy. And yes, he was named after that Richard Simmons.)
Pringles...no. I know you like the baby and that's very nice, but no touchy his Momma, understand?
No! No! Bad Pringles! Not your bed! Bad boy!
Oh, who am I kidding? These two are all over one another. Cheerie is going through a phase of obsessive piano playing and in the meantime Pringles lurks around the house talking shit with Linda. (Notice he's fat again. Pringles is a yo-yo dieter.)
And Linda, being Linda, would rather talk shit with her bulging, wetsuited father-in-law than deal with her kid.
Tackle swings by and attempts to take care of her nephew...
But there are two good reasons Tackle is childless - the first is that she has an unacceptable taste for very very handsome men. (I've sent her on a few blind dates and guess who she got? Yup. Hot Blond Downtownie. And she nosehearts when Snakeskin Jacket Guy walks past.)
And the second is that she has all the maternal instincts of an eggplant. (Although she's still a damn sight better than her oaf of a brother. You wouldn't catch Scrum so much as acknowledging that Sonic stinks. You wouldn't catch him in the same room, come to that. Oaf.)
Anyway, birthday time for the flesh nugget.
I mean, there are few better starts in life than being thrown around by a elderly plumper with a rubber fetish, right?
Sonic is...meh. He'll probably improve with age, but it might be time to bring something new to the genepool.
Fortunately, Linda makes it easy for me.
And Pringles is dead meat once his wife gets wind of this. (I really don't know that Scrum would even notice. He's that oblivious.)
Where is Cheerie, anyway? She hasn't laid the full smackdown on anyone since Junior year.
Riiiight...
Yeah.
Otherwise occupied.
Ever the soul of discretion there, Linda.
Scrum gets back home from work, and like the dumb oaf he is he fails to notice that his bimbo wife appears to be attempting to polish his father's dentures with her tongue.
Oaf.
I really tried to hand the nimwit a clue, I really did. Instead Linda just stood in a puddle and stared stupidly...
While they all three stood around telling filthy jokes. Idiots.
So, next morning...
See that hand?
Meltdown in three...
...two...
ONE!
I love the smell of spousal abuse in the morning, don't you?
Cheerie: "Excuse me, son, but your whore of a wife just grabbed your father's ass. I think we might need to discuss this situation?"
Scrum: "LOLOLOLOLOLOL I ARE A PYRAT!!!111 ARRRRRGGHHH!!!"
Cheerie: "Riiiight...I'm just going downstairs to murder your father, alright dear? And do go down to the drawing room and divorce that whore, won't you? There's a good boy...*mumble, grumble*...can't belief I gave birth to that stupid oaf."
Linda is over it as rapidly as her husband.
Who is soon to be her ex-husband.
Linda: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Scrum: "GET OUT, WHORE! AND NEVER RETURN!!!"
Linda: "What...leave?"
Linda: "DOES THIS MEAN WE DON'T GET TO HAVE SEX ANYMORE???"
It does indeed, Linda. But it means that instead of having sex with Scrum you can have sex with as many people as your minge can handle until it turns into an old leather tube-sock oozing with a million interesting sexually transmitted infections.
So fly free, little slutbag! Fly freeeeeeeee!
(She was apparently so enthused by the notion of boning other people that she didn't bother to get dressed. Just strolled out in her filthy jim-jams.)
And she couldn't have given a monkey's about Sonic. Poor Sonic. He wants his Daddy. But Daddy is a dingus who isn't really entirely aware that he has children.
And Mummy is a trash-can vandal.
"Mmm...my son's ex-wife is so hot when she's causing roach infestations."
Thanks Linda. Now GTFO.
(In case you hadn't noticed, Pringles is the fucking Mayor.)
Yes, this is the face of local government in Desiderata Valley. And you thought Sarah Palin was scary?
Pringles attempts to restore domestic harmony, but Cheerie's having none of it after Assgrabgate.
And it doesn't help that Linda keeps cutting in on her gametime.
(Nice upskirt there, Linda.)
Yeah, don't mess with Cheerie. She used to tie llamas in knots back in college.
Sonic exists, by the way. He's a fairly boring kid.
But we need something new to add to the genepool and Sonic could probably use a stepmother. (Linda doesn't really know who he is and Scrum is hopeless.)
So, meet the potential second wife, Martine Smith. She's a female clone of Martin Ruben from Sim State, because I coveted his pure, Maxis-made Ugly.
Scrum is charming, as ever.
So Martine has to be charming. Scrum, of course, is so not over Linda. (Who would be?)
And neither is Cheerie.
Pringles apologises.
Apology accepted.
Pringles: "Oh, I'm so glad you're not going to hold it against me. After all these years we've been married..."
Cheerie: "Yes. After. All. These. Years."
Pringles: "So...we're okay?"
Cheerie: "YES DEAR. WE'RE FUCKING FINE."
Pringles: "You sure?"
He's never been good at reading the signals.
And she's still not letting him back in her bed.
Next time - Cheerie does something truly terrible to Martine. And I laugh, because I'm nice like that.
Thanks for reading!