(no subject)
just when i am sickest of long island, i am reminded that smithies are the most retarded people in the world
also, i get sick, which is apropos
but seriously, ive been reading facebook since i woke up and all i see are people carrying on about victorias secret being unfair, facebook ads being sexist, gender binaries being followed, and ive not hesitated to post comments that should basically be interpreted as "get the fuck over it"
which, of course, has not gained me any more popularity
that plus losing popularity in long island (aka: a lot of people here are acting like they dont want me around/are pissed at me for NO reason) means i have like less than 5 friends in the entire world right now
grace is mad at me i think... because she thinks i am on a never ending quest to find out how much money she spends on me
sometimes i am, because just from estimating, she once dropped over $200 in two days on buying me dinner and taking me places
i have never spent more than $60 in that time span, and it makes me feel like shit
and i guess im always bringing up money
i dont mean to
but im a jew and i come from welfare, bankrupt italian blood - so its almost inevitable
i think this makes her uncomfortable, and i guess it should
i always ask her though, and i try to remind her that i dont mean to come off like "OMG YOU ARE SOOOOO RICH!"
she says she doesnt feel like thats what im saying
but still, yesterday i wanted to know the website she got my hair shears from so i could see what they were officially used for (in terms of technique) and she was like "RAAAH YOURE TRYING TO FIND OUT THE PRICE" and then shut down for the rest of the night
i wanted to revisit it and try to see what was up, but sometimes its just not worth it
especially because shes on vacation and were skyping and these things never mean total honesty
so, i just feel like a lot of people dislike me right now, which is fine
i mean... actually its pretty normal considering my personality, especially at smith
i never expect that more than 3 people in a room will like me
but it sucks to hate long island and feel uncomfortable here
and then also hate smith and not want to go there
but want to go there to escape here
and then once i get there, to be miserable
there is no haven, and all i ever fantasize about is a world where i have my own apartment
..... probably also because all i do is watch house hunters and i want to furnish one
but also because i finally want a space that is my own
but its probably an unreachable goal because right now, gail will not shut up about how expensive grad school will be
which, is really not fair of her.. at all
all my life my father has pushed and pushed me to become somebody with a masters or phd
saying that there was no other option and that if i was not my own boss, i would fail the way he did
then, i would get an idea of some sort of professional career that i thought i would not mind pursuing for 10 years of education
and i would go home to my mother and tell her
and then she would say "oh i talked to my friend and she said thats hard! you almost CANT get into grad school and then youll have a shitty job anyway"
so i would give up
and i would have a crisis and my father would yell at me until i stopped crying and got my shit together and he would tell me i had to find something else, all the while encouraging me to pursue that first option, but my heart would be out of it because of my mothers warnings
this would repeat nonstop, while my mother told me to be a teacher and my father basically said that teachers could suck his dick and i better not.
i never found out what i would want to do, only assumed that being a psychologist would be good because the path looked clear enough and i (at the time) liked psychology. a phd would please my dad, money would please my mom, and i would sit in a chair and make people feel judged all day while listening to gossip. awesome.
when my mom started talking to stupid friends about how hard it would be to become a psychologist, and when i realized that smith college had ruined all passion i had for the subject, i decided to look for other routes.
i told my mom i didnt want to o to grad school and i would be looking for something easier. she got upset and said i had to go to grad school and shut off all of my avenues, telling every judgmental ass in my family that i no longer wanted to go to grad school so that they would confront me about it.
eventually, i learned to deal with not pursuing something im passionate about, and found my way back to psych, telling her this once again. but now all she ever says is "how will i pay for all of this?!" so when i asked "do you not want me to go to grad school" she said "maybe."
i will, in the end. if i have to take every scholarship in the world. i have faced to much emotional bullshit and been stressed and ruined as an individual so if i at least have a phd in my hand i will feel like it was worth something and like the conveyor belt has done me some good.
but it is so unfair of her to have put me through all of this bullshit for 21 years only to tell me she doesnt want me to go.
whatever, i started this ramble because i want an apartment.
and i want my own space.
and i hate long island and i hate smith college.
and i fucking hate everyone i ever meet.
and grace does not like me because all i care about is money and my parents have trained me to only care about money and still they are preventing me from ever having it.
and my life is just doodoo in general. it doesnt suck, it could be worse. but i try to sleep as late as possible every day so that i have less waking hours to deal with - and that is always a sign that i am about to be super depressed.
i just hate and am hated by too many people, and i need to get away and stop second guessing myself. i know that i am the only one in my life who has any sense of what the fuck is going on (both in regard to smith idiots and my parents) and so i need to stop letting idiots make me feel like an idiot because i am better than every single one of them and i dont care how conceited that makes me.
everyone i meet is retarded.
it isnt me, its them.
and i need to get away.
also, i get sick, which is apropos
but seriously, ive been reading facebook since i woke up and all i see are people carrying on about victorias secret being unfair, facebook ads being sexist, gender binaries being followed, and ive not hesitated to post comments that should basically be interpreted as "get the fuck over it"
which, of course, has not gained me any more popularity
that plus losing popularity in long island (aka: a lot of people here are acting like they dont want me around/are pissed at me for NO reason) means i have like less than 5 friends in the entire world right now
grace is mad at me i think... because she thinks i am on a never ending quest to find out how much money she spends on me
sometimes i am, because just from estimating, she once dropped over $200 in two days on buying me dinner and taking me places
i have never spent more than $60 in that time span, and it makes me feel like shit
and i guess im always bringing up money
i dont mean to
but im a jew and i come from welfare, bankrupt italian blood - so its almost inevitable
i think this makes her uncomfortable, and i guess it should
i always ask her though, and i try to remind her that i dont mean to come off like "OMG YOU ARE SOOOOO RICH!"
she says she doesnt feel like thats what im saying
but still, yesterday i wanted to know the website she got my hair shears from so i could see what they were officially used for (in terms of technique) and she was like "RAAAH YOURE TRYING TO FIND OUT THE PRICE" and then shut down for the rest of the night
i wanted to revisit it and try to see what was up, but sometimes its just not worth it
especially because shes on vacation and were skyping and these things never mean total honesty
so, i just feel like a lot of people dislike me right now, which is fine
i mean... actually its pretty normal considering my personality, especially at smith
i never expect that more than 3 people in a room will like me
but it sucks to hate long island and feel uncomfortable here
and then also hate smith and not want to go there
but want to go there to escape here
and then once i get there, to be miserable
there is no haven, and all i ever fantasize about is a world where i have my own apartment
..... probably also because all i do is watch house hunters and i want to furnish one
but also because i finally want a space that is my own
but its probably an unreachable goal because right now, gail will not shut up about how expensive grad school will be
which, is really not fair of her.. at all
all my life my father has pushed and pushed me to become somebody with a masters or phd
saying that there was no other option and that if i was not my own boss, i would fail the way he did
then, i would get an idea of some sort of professional career that i thought i would not mind pursuing for 10 years of education
and i would go home to my mother and tell her
and then she would say "oh i talked to my friend and she said thats hard! you almost CANT get into grad school and then youll have a shitty job anyway"
so i would give up
and i would have a crisis and my father would yell at me until i stopped crying and got my shit together and he would tell me i had to find something else, all the while encouraging me to pursue that first option, but my heart would be out of it because of my mothers warnings
this would repeat nonstop, while my mother told me to be a teacher and my father basically said that teachers could suck his dick and i better not.
i never found out what i would want to do, only assumed that being a psychologist would be good because the path looked clear enough and i (at the time) liked psychology. a phd would please my dad, money would please my mom, and i would sit in a chair and make people feel judged all day while listening to gossip. awesome.
when my mom started talking to stupid friends about how hard it would be to become a psychologist, and when i realized that smith college had ruined all passion i had for the subject, i decided to look for other routes.
i told my mom i didnt want to o to grad school and i would be looking for something easier. she got upset and said i had to go to grad school and shut off all of my avenues, telling every judgmental ass in my family that i no longer wanted to go to grad school so that they would confront me about it.
eventually, i learned to deal with not pursuing something im passionate about, and found my way back to psych, telling her this once again. but now all she ever says is "how will i pay for all of this?!" so when i asked "do you not want me to go to grad school" she said "maybe."
i will, in the end. if i have to take every scholarship in the world. i have faced to much emotional bullshit and been stressed and ruined as an individual so if i at least have a phd in my hand i will feel like it was worth something and like the conveyor belt has done me some good.
but it is so unfair of her to have put me through all of this bullshit for 21 years only to tell me she doesnt want me to go.
whatever, i started this ramble because i want an apartment.
and i want my own space.
and i hate long island and i hate smith college.
and i fucking hate everyone i ever meet.
and grace does not like me because all i care about is money and my parents have trained me to only care about money and still they are preventing me from ever having it.
and my life is just doodoo in general. it doesnt suck, it could be worse. but i try to sleep as late as possible every day so that i have less waking hours to deal with - and that is always a sign that i am about to be super depressed.
i just hate and am hated by too many people, and i need to get away and stop second guessing myself. i know that i am the only one in my life who has any sense of what the fuck is going on (both in regard to smith idiots and my parents) and so i need to stop letting idiots make me feel like an idiot because i am better than every single one of them and i dont care how conceited that makes me.
everyone i meet is retarded.
it isnt me, its them.
and i need to get away.