An Inquiry as to why I am hurt...I THINK...?
I have great plans for my future...stewing, and I question them as to how exactly they will unfold,..or if they will at all.
Strangely, I feel as though I am a victim of socialization. I need to know (if we are living together and sharing all of the following: time, money, space, bed, toothbrush, food, cars, etc) if I am someone he would ever THINK about settling down with...and god forbid, having a family. I need it to be able to be talked about.
Well, He doesn't even WANT to THINK about it...not at all...and that's that?
I feel that I NEED to be THINKING about marriage and the future when wondering about savings accounts, taxes, financial plans and loan obtaining. If you are not something that could potentially be permanent (hell, you don't even want to THINK about it!!!), why should I include you in my plans? Who are you to me??? Are you simply my roommate, because you feel like so much more. You must forsee problems in the future, otherwise you would not be so cautious and afraid. I don't want to get married right now either damn it, but you will not even THINK of it! Do you know how that makes me feel? I live with you, people say we live in sin. I don't believe them, but a part of me feels very vulnerable. And it hurts that you tug at me just as hard from the other direction. It makes me feel needed but not wanted.
What to do now? Should I separate my finances? Put up a survival wall? Because a part of me feels that it is true...if you don't want to THINK about it right now...at all...then I don't forsee in any way, shape or form, you ever wanting to THINK about it. It doesn't seem like a switch you can flip on and off with time, leisure and convenience. It seems like the feeling or interest is there, or it is not. EX: "Gee, I would marry that girl"
There are many reasons why I wouldn't be that girl for you:
~I used to be slutty...you don't want common smut mothering your children and carrying on your family name...but hey, you love me anyways cuz "I'm Great"
~Becuz of the women in my family...you might as well hang around as long as "I'm Great" and then once I become the bossy money grubbing ninny that I'm apparently destined to become, well, then it's time to go search for marriage material.
It may be true that my perception is wharped...I can believe that. But how am i to know or do anything different, when we're not supposed to THINK about it, much less talk it over.
Strangely, I feel as though I am a victim of socialization. I need to know (if we are living together and sharing all of the following: time, money, space, bed, toothbrush, food, cars, etc) if I am someone he would ever THINK about settling down with...and god forbid, having a family. I need it to be able to be talked about.
Well, He doesn't even WANT to THINK about it...not at all...and that's that?
I feel that I NEED to be THINKING about marriage and the future when wondering about savings accounts, taxes, financial plans and loan obtaining. If you are not something that could potentially be permanent (hell, you don't even want to THINK about it!!!), why should I include you in my plans? Who are you to me??? Are you simply my roommate, because you feel like so much more. You must forsee problems in the future, otherwise you would not be so cautious and afraid. I don't want to get married right now either damn it, but you will not even THINK of it! Do you know how that makes me feel? I live with you, people say we live in sin. I don't believe them, but a part of me feels very vulnerable. And it hurts that you tug at me just as hard from the other direction. It makes me feel needed but not wanted.
What to do now? Should I separate my finances? Put up a survival wall? Because a part of me feels that it is true...if you don't want to THINK about it right now...at all...then I don't forsee in any way, shape or form, you ever wanting to THINK about it. It doesn't seem like a switch you can flip on and off with time, leisure and convenience. It seems like the feeling or interest is there, or it is not. EX: "Gee, I would marry that girl"
There are many reasons why I wouldn't be that girl for you:
~I used to be slutty...you don't want common smut mothering your children and carrying on your family name...but hey, you love me anyways cuz "I'm Great"
~Becuz of the women in my family...you might as well hang around as long as "I'm Great" and then once I become the bossy money grubbing ninny that I'm apparently destined to become, well, then it's time to go search for marriage material.
It may be true that my perception is wharped...I can believe that. But how am i to know or do anything different, when we're not supposed to THINK about it, much less talk it over.