(no subject)
Grounded.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I feel like I don't have any respect from my parents anymore. My mother, she's doing it from the rebound of me losing it for her. But my dad started acting this way when Chris fit into the frame of my life, and then, suddenly didn't belong anymore, and broke it in the process of escaping.
I have a 70 in Algebra. 78 in World Geography. Everything else is Bs and As. And I was really happy about it too; yeah, almost failing math, but that's nothing new. And I was so confident that finally I would be un-grounded and could have a better social life, and then my dad starts screaming at me. And so I screamed back. And he was saying these things that I was trying to make him out to be the bad guy, and just wanted to blame my grades on someone else.
But I wasn't. And I asked him what proof there was that I was doing such a thing, but he couldn't give me a definite answer, and I wanted to ask Are you just screaming at me just to scream?... but I was afraid of the answer.
I don't care about my parents' lives. I should. I should care if they're happy with each other or for one another, but I can't. Because I'm too concerned with wondering whether or not they like my brother better. Why they don't treat us equally.
And I know why they don't.
My mother told me when I was in 7th grade that they expected more out of me than my brother, because I'm more intelligent than him. And that he knew it. My dad knew it. Everyone.
But that's not fair. I shouldn't have to pick up his slack. I shouldn't have to be forced to do better than him just because they don't think he's worth as much as me.
I was so happy about my grades, and I even joiked about how horrible it would be if I was grounded even though I was proud of myself. But it's not a joke anymore, and I don't want to cry but I am and I just want to tell him why I shouldn't be grounded and why I'm such a fuck at math and why I feel so unappreciated, but if I did I would start crying, or I would get an "attitude", or it would sound like I was whining. And who would take a 14 year old seriously save for someone who rememebrs being that age? Someone who remembers being 14 and remembers being insightful, and who remembers that 14 year olds' minds are still forming and that it's hard to care about people other than yourself because there's too much going on inside. My parents don't remember. Because my mom got her first C in college and I don't know about my dad. They think I'm being dramatic when I say I feel melancholy or depressed. And they say they want the best for me and maybe that's true but it still hurts because I just want them to understand that my grades are mine and not theirs and it wouldn't be their fault if I was a failure or that I got into a mediocre college and turned into an office worker like them. Because they're too sure that I'm going to turn into a bad kid and they make judgements off of stereotypical information and situations like my brother being the goody-goody and me being the rebel even though we aren't.
I just want things to be different, and I want them to listen to me, but they don't, and I wish I didn't care but I do. I care about myself and I feel so wronged by them, because they don't know me anymore. Because I haven't shared so many things with them that I should have, and now it's like inertia, and I'm going but they're stuck at the point where I started losing respect for them.
Yelling at me isn't going to make things better. It might make you feel betterk but it doesn't make me want to work harder. It makes me want to run away.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I feel like I don't have any respect from my parents anymore. My mother, she's doing it from the rebound of me losing it for her. But my dad started acting this way when Chris fit into the frame of my life, and then, suddenly didn't belong anymore, and broke it in the process of escaping.
I have a 70 in Algebra. 78 in World Geography. Everything else is Bs and As. And I was really happy about it too; yeah, almost failing math, but that's nothing new. And I was so confident that finally I would be un-grounded and could have a better social life, and then my dad starts screaming at me. And so I screamed back. And he was saying these things that I was trying to make him out to be the bad guy, and just wanted to blame my grades on someone else.
But I wasn't. And I asked him what proof there was that I was doing such a thing, but he couldn't give me a definite answer, and I wanted to ask Are you just screaming at me just to scream?... but I was afraid of the answer.
I don't care about my parents' lives. I should. I should care if they're happy with each other or for one another, but I can't. Because I'm too concerned with wondering whether or not they like my brother better. Why they don't treat us equally.
And I know why they don't.
My mother told me when I was in 7th grade that they expected more out of me than my brother, because I'm more intelligent than him. And that he knew it. My dad knew it. Everyone.
But that's not fair. I shouldn't have to pick up his slack. I shouldn't have to be forced to do better than him just because they don't think he's worth as much as me.
I was so happy about my grades, and I even joiked about how horrible it would be if I was grounded even though I was proud of myself. But it's not a joke anymore, and I don't want to cry but I am and I just want to tell him why I shouldn't be grounded and why I'm such a fuck at math and why I feel so unappreciated, but if I did I would start crying, or I would get an "attitude", or it would sound like I was whining. And who would take a 14 year old seriously save for someone who rememebrs being that age? Someone who remembers being 14 and remembers being insightful, and who remembers that 14 year olds' minds are still forming and that it's hard to care about people other than yourself because there's too much going on inside. My parents don't remember. Because my mom got her first C in college and I don't know about my dad. They think I'm being dramatic when I say I feel melancholy or depressed. And they say they want the best for me and maybe that's true but it still hurts because I just want them to understand that my grades are mine and not theirs and it wouldn't be their fault if I was a failure or that I got into a mediocre college and turned into an office worker like them. Because they're too sure that I'm going to turn into a bad kid and they make judgements off of stereotypical information and situations like my brother being the goody-goody and me being the rebel even though we aren't.
I just want things to be different, and I want them to listen to me, but they don't, and I wish I didn't care but I do. I care about myself and I feel so wronged by them, because they don't know me anymore. Because I haven't shared so many things with them that I should have, and now it's like inertia, and I'm going but they're stuck at the point where I started losing respect for them.
Yelling at me isn't going to make things better. It might make you feel betterk but it doesn't make me want to work harder. It makes me want to run away.