blasphemous retribution, bizzatches.
When your parents tell you that they don't think you're doing well in a class you really enjoy and are proud of yourself in, is that supposed to encourage you? It just makes me want to scream and throw porcelain plates at them so it'll shatter and the shards will lodge themselves in their flesh. And then they'll know.
Lauren is still acting lesian-like towards me. Jokingly or something. Whatever. I was talking to Natalie this morning, and she came over, and ...I don't know what you would call it really, but was trying to hug me, but I didn't move, so her hand just strooooooooooked all up my arm, over my shoulderblades, and then down my other forearm. And then she left saying she loved me or something, and then came back to give me a safety pin. Because safety pins are the ultimate display of love, you know.
I wish she would just quit it, and I really wish she wasn't so damn sensitive, and that I wasn't so damn compassionate and so easily guilt-tripped. I wish she would just go the fuck away, because she's driving me crazy and she disgusts me and when she's with me, and my other friends are around, she embarasses me. I don't like being seen with her. I thought it was the goffic look, but it isn't. It's because when I see her, I don't see Lauren the "goth," I see Lauren the girl that was and probably still is in love with me, that acts like a lesbian but probably isn't acting. I see the girl that just doesn't get it. The girl that I wish so desperately I could change, but when it gets somewhere, I feel guilty, because she is who she is, and if I change her, she's not herself anymore, she's what I've molded her into.
She just makes me want to yell, and hit her. Punch her right in the face and yell "BACK THE FUCK OFF, STUPID BITCH!" and so many other profanities that would make her cry right on the spot. She would cry just knowing I thought these things. But she doesn't get it. She doesn't want to. And it's her fault. It's all her fault.
I keep telling myself, but I still feel bad.
I need some fucking Diru to calm my nerves, but all of my stash of them was destroyed last time the player crashed. And how weird, because everytime I talk about Dir en grey (because I call them "Diru" in real life), people think I'm talking about some sort of drug, and it's so fucking funny because they practically are for me now. I'm so obsessed. Not even fun. Remotely.
What the hell. I'm so pissed.
I have two different sides to me. The side that's newly exposed, don't-give-me-your-shit, I'm-such-a-bitch-but-it's-cool-on-me, that I display when around newly made friends... IE the people I met this year. And then the Yeah-I'm-still-immature-inside-somewhere face I have when around old friends.
But it's so irritating, because I'm not immature. Not so much. I don't judge people anymore, by ways of labels, IE preps, skaters, etc. because I know more than I did before that those are just generalizations and they're usually wrong. But they still do, classifying people as preps, and it pisses me off. And they say things, and it'll sound so ridiculously naive to me, and I'll have to correct them in a hostile way, and they'll argue with me and then I'll just laugh, and say something like "You're so dumb, but that's okay, it's kind of cool actually".
Because I'm such a good friend, right.
Even worse though, is that this doesn't bother me.
I like this new revelation, actually. I'm proud of it.
"Kiss my stick", bitches.
Yeah. SURVEY TIME!!!!!!!!!!
Lauren is still acting lesian-like towards me. Jokingly or something. Whatever. I was talking to Natalie this morning, and she came over, and ...I don't know what you would call it really, but was trying to hug me, but I didn't move, so her hand just strooooooooooked all up my arm, over my shoulderblades, and then down my other forearm. And then she left saying she loved me or something, and then came back to give me a safety pin. Because safety pins are the ultimate display of love, you know.
I wish she would just quit it, and I really wish she wasn't so damn sensitive, and that I wasn't so damn compassionate and so easily guilt-tripped. I wish she would just go the fuck away, because she's driving me crazy and she disgusts me and when she's with me, and my other friends are around, she embarasses me. I don't like being seen with her. I thought it was the goffic look, but it isn't. It's because when I see her, I don't see Lauren the "goth," I see Lauren the girl that was and probably still is in love with me, that acts like a lesbian but probably isn't acting. I see the girl that just doesn't get it. The girl that I wish so desperately I could change, but when it gets somewhere, I feel guilty, because she is who she is, and if I change her, she's not herself anymore, she's what I've molded her into.
She just makes me want to yell, and hit her. Punch her right in the face and yell "BACK THE FUCK OFF, STUPID BITCH!" and so many other profanities that would make her cry right on the spot. She would cry just knowing I thought these things. But she doesn't get it. She doesn't want to. And it's her fault. It's all her fault.
I keep telling myself, but I still feel bad.
I need some fucking Diru to calm my nerves, but all of my stash of them was destroyed last time the player crashed. And how weird, because everytime I talk about Dir en grey (because I call them "Diru" in real life), people think I'm talking about some sort of drug, and it's so fucking funny because they practically are for me now. I'm so obsessed. Not even fun. Remotely.
What the hell. I'm so pissed.
I have two different sides to me. The side that's newly exposed, don't-give-me-your-shit, I'm-such-a-bitch-but-it's-cool-on-me, that I display when around newly made friends... IE the people I met this year. And then the Yeah-I'm-still-immature-inside-somewhere face I have when around old friends.
But it's so irritating, because I'm not immature. Not so much. I don't judge people anymore, by ways of labels, IE preps, skaters, etc. because I know more than I did before that those are just generalizations and they're usually wrong. But they still do, classifying people as preps, and it pisses me off. And they say things, and it'll sound so ridiculously naive to me, and I'll have to correct them in a hostile way, and they'll argue with me and then I'll just laugh, and say something like "You're so dumb, but that's okay, it's kind of cool actually".
Because I'm such a good friend, right.
Even worse though, is that this doesn't bother me.
I like this new revelation, actually. I'm proud of it.
"Kiss my stick", bitches.
Yeah. SURVEY TIME!!!!!!!!!!