on dominance, submission, and privilege
we got into an argument the other night, about bdsm. oh honey, you have no idea who you’re talking to. don’t mess with me on my turf, because when you attack me in my house i will fight back and you will lose. anyway, out of this discussion comes the pronouncement that dominance play has been useful for him because he’s not a naturally aggressive, domineering fellow. he’s a SNAG, you see, he tells me - a sensitive new-age guy. i’ll leave aside for the moment the question of whether male dominance inherently includes misogyny - for the record, in his (lay observer’s) version of bdsm it does, in mine it doesn’t, even though it explores that trope frequently and thoroughly - and simply look at his premise, that being a SNAG precludes traditional male dominance over the submissive woman.
he’s changed a lot since we dated, i’ll give him that. he’s mellowed over time, become more generous, if not actually generous as a personal characteristic, less rigid, less demanding, less of an arrogant snob. sure, he’s still arrogant, just a lot more willing to admit that his position is not always one of moral and aesthetic superiority over the rest of humanity. (why, you are asking yourself, would i have wanted to date a person like this? i had my reasons, he had his good points, it was a specific time, i was a specific age, it worked, very briefly, until it didn’t, ‘nuff said.)
true to type for me, he did not buy in to traditional expressions of masculinity. he paints his toenails, shaves his body, eschews sport fandom, is at all times an aesthete, and was (and i suppose still is) a skilled and attentive lover, if a bit focused on his own physical interests. and i admit to being atypical in that receiving oral attention is one of my least favorite bedroom acts, even though most women appear to view it as an act of unmatched male generosity, so that what appears selfish to me would not be so to the majority of female partners. so we know he’s not the modern-day caveman, but i think that the absence of traditional physical testosterone-driven male dominance does not preclude the presence of dominance in general, and that’s where i’m going here.
our relationship, years ago, was an exercise in (his) power. never physically expressed as such, but he controlled every aspect of our time together, offering me choices of activities from a set of carefully circumscribed and already thoroughly vetted options he had chosen. we met at his home exclusively, we interacted with his friends exclusively, and during limited times chosen by him as free for interaction (all other times were reserved for work, always done alone, and i was not welcome to intrude upon that). you can imagine why i became quickly dissatisfied and opted to go my own way rather than become an accessory in someone else’s lifestyle.
seven years later, i find myself a houseguest in his home. generous promises of autonomy and inviolable space have quickly fallen by the wayside. we go to bed and he finds no potential problem with smoking in bed, even one shared with a guest who has been a nonsmoker for four years. i try to close the bedroom door to maintain a less smoky environment for myself and my clothes, and every time i return i find he has opened the door as he would alone in his home. he sleeps in the center of the bed, seemingly unaware that another body is left with limited space, clinging to the edge of the bed to keep from being swept into the deep ditch created by his weight. there is no discussion of whether his presence in the bed is desired or whether i might prefer he sleep on the futon; having set a precedent the first night he blithely carries on with no attempt to observe my response. he wakes to the alarm, left on 2 songs too long, and proceeds to go to work with radio loudly blaring through speakers throughout the house, only turning it down 90 minutes later when i have already gotten out of bed. interaction is not permissible during work time, but all doors are left open so that my presence is always a potential distraction from said work. a flirty request that he admire my sexy underwear is denied, and answered with an explanatory lecture that he finds no titillating appeal in lingerie, only the body beneath.
so given all the relevant information, we return to the question at hand - as a self-described SNAG, does he exercise male dominance, does he require female submission? the difficulty here for me is the question of the role of gender in the dominance. certainly dominance here does not manifest as traditional male aggression, browbeating, etc. it is rather almost a passive form of dominance; i am never told or ordered to do any specific thing, but it made very clear that things will remain as they are and have always been, and that my presence will not affect that, except in those ways that my presence might provide an enjoyable addition for him to his previously planned day. there is no desire to humor me in any respect when i make a request; if it is something that provides him no enjoyment or value, it is categorically rejected, even when it involves my sexy underwear, which could certainly lead to his enjoyment regardless of his opinion of lingerie were he to simply give on that one point.
one could argue that it’s not dominance but plain selfish oblivious egotism (and there is a lot of truth to that) but i think it also speaks to a manifestation of privilege. he does not feel the need to negotiate any differences that may exist between my needs and desires and his own, because it is apparently unthinkable that such differences exist. that is what privilege is, i think: the inability to see or care that the other does not live as you do. in having the power to impose his way of life on me, and lacking the ability or desire to take into account my own way of life, dominance is exerted - not with active aggression, which would imply a struggle requiring a recognition of difference, but with the pervasive, passive-aggressive dominance of privilege.
as a blind exclusion of the other, also functioning as a total lack of regard for the other (except when the other’s presence might be pleasurable to him), this dominance doesn’t follow the typical male-female power-submission model. and yet to share a space with him requires submission to his will, to his schedule, to his desires, to his way of life. it may not be traditional male-female dominance, and yet it is dominance by a male over a female, and i would argue that his sense of privilege that allows him to passively assert his power is not just the privilege of class, of intelligence, of “culture,” but also inherently includes male privilege. the identifier of SNAG is a way of exerting that privilege while simultaneously denying it - he deserves power in ways that other men don’t because the SNAG is not a misogynistic abuser of power, because the SNAG lacks or has given up male privilege.
i call bullshit.
should i stay here in a house that requires such an all-encompassing exercise of submission on my part? it frustrates me, but i must admit it’s the sort of submission i’m very used to, and very good at, especially after two years in my father’s house. more importantly, do i have somewhere else to go? p is leaving town tomorrow, g lives on an opposite schedule from mine, b i don’t entirely feel comfortable asking because i don’t know if that’s the kind of relationship we have, and r has not invited me the way she did last time i was in town, leaving me leery of asking. i am free to come and go as i please, and i can spend my time exploring old haunts and visiting old friends without fear that i am neglecting my host. but as a home base it is wholly unsatisfactory, given the smoke and the arrogance, and i cannot spend all my time out wandering; a certain amount of rest and processing and clothes-changing is crucial.
i don’t know what i want to do, but at least i know why it frustrates me and what my options are.
he’s changed a lot since we dated, i’ll give him that. he’s mellowed over time, become more generous, if not actually generous as a personal characteristic, less rigid, less demanding, less of an arrogant snob. sure, he’s still arrogant, just a lot more willing to admit that his position is not always one of moral and aesthetic superiority over the rest of humanity. (why, you are asking yourself, would i have wanted to date a person like this? i had my reasons, he had his good points, it was a specific time, i was a specific age, it worked, very briefly, until it didn’t, ‘nuff said.)
true to type for me, he did not buy in to traditional expressions of masculinity. he paints his toenails, shaves his body, eschews sport fandom, is at all times an aesthete, and was (and i suppose still is) a skilled and attentive lover, if a bit focused on his own physical interests. and i admit to being atypical in that receiving oral attention is one of my least favorite bedroom acts, even though most women appear to view it as an act of unmatched male generosity, so that what appears selfish to me would not be so to the majority of female partners. so we know he’s not the modern-day caveman, but i think that the absence of traditional physical testosterone-driven male dominance does not preclude the presence of dominance in general, and that’s where i’m going here.
our relationship, years ago, was an exercise in (his) power. never physically expressed as such, but he controlled every aspect of our time together, offering me choices of activities from a set of carefully circumscribed and already thoroughly vetted options he had chosen. we met at his home exclusively, we interacted with his friends exclusively, and during limited times chosen by him as free for interaction (all other times were reserved for work, always done alone, and i was not welcome to intrude upon that). you can imagine why i became quickly dissatisfied and opted to go my own way rather than become an accessory in someone else’s lifestyle.
seven years later, i find myself a houseguest in his home. generous promises of autonomy and inviolable space have quickly fallen by the wayside. we go to bed and he finds no potential problem with smoking in bed, even one shared with a guest who has been a nonsmoker for four years. i try to close the bedroom door to maintain a less smoky environment for myself and my clothes, and every time i return i find he has opened the door as he would alone in his home. he sleeps in the center of the bed, seemingly unaware that another body is left with limited space, clinging to the edge of the bed to keep from being swept into the deep ditch created by his weight. there is no discussion of whether his presence in the bed is desired or whether i might prefer he sleep on the futon; having set a precedent the first night he blithely carries on with no attempt to observe my response. he wakes to the alarm, left on 2 songs too long, and proceeds to go to work with radio loudly blaring through speakers throughout the house, only turning it down 90 minutes later when i have already gotten out of bed. interaction is not permissible during work time, but all doors are left open so that my presence is always a potential distraction from said work. a flirty request that he admire my sexy underwear is denied, and answered with an explanatory lecture that he finds no titillating appeal in lingerie, only the body beneath.
so given all the relevant information, we return to the question at hand - as a self-described SNAG, does he exercise male dominance, does he require female submission? the difficulty here for me is the question of the role of gender in the dominance. certainly dominance here does not manifest as traditional male aggression, browbeating, etc. it is rather almost a passive form of dominance; i am never told or ordered to do any specific thing, but it made very clear that things will remain as they are and have always been, and that my presence will not affect that, except in those ways that my presence might provide an enjoyable addition for him to his previously planned day. there is no desire to humor me in any respect when i make a request; if it is something that provides him no enjoyment or value, it is categorically rejected, even when it involves my sexy underwear, which could certainly lead to his enjoyment regardless of his opinion of lingerie were he to simply give on that one point.
one could argue that it’s not dominance but plain selfish oblivious egotism (and there is a lot of truth to that) but i think it also speaks to a manifestation of privilege. he does not feel the need to negotiate any differences that may exist between my needs and desires and his own, because it is apparently unthinkable that such differences exist. that is what privilege is, i think: the inability to see or care that the other does not live as you do. in having the power to impose his way of life on me, and lacking the ability or desire to take into account my own way of life, dominance is exerted - not with active aggression, which would imply a struggle requiring a recognition of difference, but with the pervasive, passive-aggressive dominance of privilege.
as a blind exclusion of the other, also functioning as a total lack of regard for the other (except when the other’s presence might be pleasurable to him), this dominance doesn’t follow the typical male-female power-submission model. and yet to share a space with him requires submission to his will, to his schedule, to his desires, to his way of life. it may not be traditional male-female dominance, and yet it is dominance by a male over a female, and i would argue that his sense of privilege that allows him to passively assert his power is not just the privilege of class, of intelligence, of “culture,” but also inherently includes male privilege. the identifier of SNAG is a way of exerting that privilege while simultaneously denying it - he deserves power in ways that other men don’t because the SNAG is not a misogynistic abuser of power, because the SNAG lacks or has given up male privilege.
i call bullshit.
should i stay here in a house that requires such an all-encompassing exercise of submission on my part? it frustrates me, but i must admit it’s the sort of submission i’m very used to, and very good at, especially after two years in my father’s house. more importantly, do i have somewhere else to go? p is leaving town tomorrow, g lives on an opposite schedule from mine, b i don’t entirely feel comfortable asking because i don’t know if that’s the kind of relationship we have, and r has not invited me the way she did last time i was in town, leaving me leery of asking. i am free to come and go as i please, and i can spend my time exploring old haunts and visiting old friends without fear that i am neglecting my host. but as a home base it is wholly unsatisfactory, given the smoke and the arrogance, and i cannot spend all my time out wandering; a certain amount of rest and processing and clothes-changing is crucial.
i don’t know what i want to do, but at least i know why it frustrates me and what my options are.