self-referential
I feel like I've outgrown this blog, or at very least I should change its name. I've always been insistent that this remain a record of who I've been before, but it feels too small to contain who I am now.
I know I am imbuing this journal and its past with that power, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it staying powerful.
Molly bought me Sera Beak's The Red Book for Christmess, and I would recommend it to anyone trying to integrate spirituality into their life. Even in times of religious disillusion and cynicism I have tried to remain open to whatever the force is that binds all living things together. I've used the label as "agnostic" to mean "searching," and Beak's book is written in such a manner that it can guide anyone willing through their own search.
And I feel invigorated. I feel like I found what I set out to find these past weeks, but the outcome is hardly concrete; it wasn't meant to be. I have found a new process, a new search...the uncertainty surrounding me is finally the exciting sort of terrifying, and I'm finally ready to make some new marks.
I guess the conclusion I wanted to come to is that while I have to be much more disciplined the next six weeks, I also have to be much more...alive. I have to honestly confront my fears and desires and work through them rather than escape them. I have to mold my honors project into something I like to do. Still, I have to take time, I have to be mindful of what happens when I multitask, when I don't chew each bite. I must sing. I must keep taking walks. I must keep celebrating my life. I must keep hoping for something larger than myself.
: I wrote this on October 29th. I set my intention and found my way through it.
: I love changing the energy around me in small ways. I don't know how I forgot how extraordinary breaking a pattern feels. Which is in part why I think I want to make a huge change to either the name of this journal, or to move this blog all together. I will keep writing; I need to; I just need a "how" and "where"...
I know I am imbuing this journal and its past with that power, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it staying powerful.
Molly bought me Sera Beak's The Red Book for Christmess, and I would recommend it to anyone trying to integrate spirituality into their life. Even in times of religious disillusion and cynicism I have tried to remain open to whatever the force is that binds all living things together. I've used the label as "agnostic" to mean "searching," and Beak's book is written in such a manner that it can guide anyone willing through their own search.
And I feel invigorated. I feel like I found what I set out to find these past weeks, but the outcome is hardly concrete; it wasn't meant to be. I have found a new process, a new search...the uncertainty surrounding me is finally the exciting sort of terrifying, and I'm finally ready to make some new marks.
I guess the conclusion I wanted to come to is that while I have to be much more disciplined the next six weeks, I also have to be much more...alive. I have to honestly confront my fears and desires and work through them rather than escape them. I have to mold my honors project into something I like to do. Still, I have to take time, I have to be mindful of what happens when I multitask, when I don't chew each bite. I must sing. I must keep taking walks. I must keep celebrating my life. I must keep hoping for something larger than myself.
: I wrote this on October 29th. I set my intention and found my way through it.
: I love changing the energy around me in small ways. I don't know how I forgot how extraordinary breaking a pattern feels. Which is in part why I think I want to make a huge change to either the name of this journal, or to move this blog all together. I will keep writing; I need to; I just need a "how" and "where"...