Bigger Plan
I dont even know what to say anymore, I'm just sick of the pain. I feel like everytime I find something or someone good for me I lose them. I know God has a bigger plan for this than I can imagine - I know I've seen it happen. With seth, the night he broke up with me and the months following, that was the most and worst pain I've ever felt; I didnt know how I would survive it. Yet, God pulled me through to a wonderful place that is even better than anything I could have imagined. This should show me that God knows what He's doing and make me trust Him, but idk it just doesnt. What is wrong with me? God shouldnt have to jump through hoops just to get me to trust Him.
I guess the difference with Seth and me was that after we broke up, we still talked and everything, and then when we finally stopped talking, it was my doing cuz I was getting hurt too much. So I could see the bigger picture and the reasoning behind it. Guess this is what you call blind faith. I dont know where I am going but I just have trust that its better than where I've been. Problem there is that I liked where I was and its hard to imagine a better place - nevermind the fact that I've never been good at the whole blind faith thing.
Behind it all, there's fear. I'm scared that alex isnt going to call me/IM me/text me/email me/talk to me in school (amazing how many ways there are to get ahold of someone now-a-days) and let me know that he doesnt need anymore space. I am terrified to the core that that's gonna happen. Not necessarily because he doesnt need any anymore, but its also a possibility that he'll just forget. I mean those guys that are reading this can vouch for the fact that men dont have the best memories. In my experience with guys, when something isnt there anymore, guys quickly forget about it. I made a promise to him, kind of a silent promise, that I would give him space. So until he says otherwise, I wont talk to him. Its just taking its toll on me.
I guess the difference with Seth and me was that after we broke up, we still talked and everything, and then when we finally stopped talking, it was my doing cuz I was getting hurt too much. So I could see the bigger picture and the reasoning behind it. Guess this is what you call blind faith. I dont know where I am going but I just have trust that its better than where I've been. Problem there is that I liked where I was and its hard to imagine a better place - nevermind the fact that I've never been good at the whole blind faith thing.
Behind it all, there's fear. I'm scared that alex isnt going to call me/IM me/text me/email me/talk to me in school (amazing how many ways there are to get ahold of someone now-a-days) and let me know that he doesnt need anymore space. I am terrified to the core that that's gonna happen. Not necessarily because he doesnt need any anymore, but its also a possibility that he'll just forget. I mean those guys that are reading this can vouch for the fact that men dont have the best memories. In my experience with guys, when something isnt there anymore, guys quickly forget about it. I made a promise to him, kind of a silent promise, that I would give him space. So until he says otherwise, I wont talk to him. Its just taking its toll on me.