I am not ok
Anyone who read the last entry and thought "oh, he's taking it well". No. I was really fooling myself and/or in shock.
For anybody who's wondering, I left earlier than expected for CT because I couldn't stay in Louisville like that. So I am now in CT. I'll be here until the 26th, day after Christmas, because I can't spend Christmas down there either.
I have to go back eventually though. It'll be the first time I've gone to Louisville for no reason. There's no one there for me now. I don't know, it's just really going to suck going there... I'm already wishing Katie would call. I want to tell her about my trip and stuff. I guess my mind is just disconnected.
It's just so hard to imagine that she doesn't *want* me anymore. We were having problems, but I thought we could always just talk and things would be ok. That's what we always did. Did I expect it to last forever? I'm not sure. But Katie was the kind of person... who I would do anything for. In the end, maybe I got too used to it being there, but I thought I had realized it, and I had thought I could make it all alright.
The worst part is the little things. Going online and seeing a tab that says "in a relationship" makes me want to cry. When I read a newspaper, I still can't help but look at the "Libra" horoscope. I get to come home to some of her pictures framed on my desk, and all of her presents will just be sitting around. Actually, let's face it, that whole apartment is so full of memories of her that even thinking about it makes me think about her and then I get depressed even more.
The worst part of it all is, she is my best friend. Was, maybe. She's the only person I could talk to about anything with. And that's gone forever. Even if we can stay friends, it won't ever be the same, because she doesn't *want* me anymore. She doesn't *love* me anymore. And I do, on both counts. Badly. Whatever I said about this being mutual, I lied. I got dumped.
There's still a conflict in my brain. One part keeps saying that I should talk to her, that if I tell her how I feel maybe things will be ok. But then the other half, it remembers the last thing I said. I told her I'd be here if she changed her mind, and she immediately said "that won't happen." She had been so nice until that point, that was sort of like the last nail. But even if I *know* she doesn't want me, need me, or love me, there's still that part of me that loves her, that part of me that (At least I thought) knew her. And that part keeps telling me that she would never do something like this. That she has to love me, that I have to make this right.
I want to make this right. But, there isn't even a "this" anymore, is there? It was the best relationship I ever had, with someone who not only loved me, but respected me. And I tried my best, even though I could be depressed in jerky, I always tried to respect her too. But even then, it isn't enough, I guess.
I don't know why I'm on the computer. Did I really expect her to contact me? I'm so stupid. I should go, I think. I can hold out hope all I want, but SHE was the one who broke it off. She's not going to call.
Dammit... I really didn't want to get this emotional about it... I've got to get through this.
For anybody who's wondering, I left earlier than expected for CT because I couldn't stay in Louisville like that. So I am now in CT. I'll be here until the 26th, day after Christmas, because I can't spend Christmas down there either.
I have to go back eventually though. It'll be the first time I've gone to Louisville for no reason. There's no one there for me now. I don't know, it's just really going to suck going there... I'm already wishing Katie would call. I want to tell her about my trip and stuff. I guess my mind is just disconnected.
It's just so hard to imagine that she doesn't *want* me anymore. We were having problems, but I thought we could always just talk and things would be ok. That's what we always did. Did I expect it to last forever? I'm not sure. But Katie was the kind of person... who I would do anything for. In the end, maybe I got too used to it being there, but I thought I had realized it, and I had thought I could make it all alright.
The worst part is the little things. Going online and seeing a tab that says "in a relationship" makes me want to cry. When I read a newspaper, I still can't help but look at the "Libra" horoscope. I get to come home to some of her pictures framed on my desk, and all of her presents will just be sitting around. Actually, let's face it, that whole apartment is so full of memories of her that even thinking about it makes me think about her and then I get depressed even more.
The worst part of it all is, she is my best friend. Was, maybe. She's the only person I could talk to about anything with. And that's gone forever. Even if we can stay friends, it won't ever be the same, because she doesn't *want* me anymore. She doesn't *love* me anymore. And I do, on both counts. Badly. Whatever I said about this being mutual, I lied. I got dumped.
There's still a conflict in my brain. One part keeps saying that I should talk to her, that if I tell her how I feel maybe things will be ok. But then the other half, it remembers the last thing I said. I told her I'd be here if she changed her mind, and she immediately said "that won't happen." She had been so nice until that point, that was sort of like the last nail. But even if I *know* she doesn't want me, need me, or love me, there's still that part of me that loves her, that part of me that (At least I thought) knew her. And that part keeps telling me that she would never do something like this. That she has to love me, that I have to make this right.
I want to make this right. But, there isn't even a "this" anymore, is there? It was the best relationship I ever had, with someone who not only loved me, but respected me. And I tried my best, even though I could be depressed in jerky, I always tried to respect her too. But even then, it isn't enough, I guess.
I don't know why I'm on the computer. Did I really expect her to contact me? I'm so stupid. I should go, I think. I can hold out hope all I want, but SHE was the one who broke it off. She's not going to call.
Dammit... I really didn't want to get this emotional about it... I've got to get through this.