In Which I Sound Like a Spiritual Hippie Weirdo...
When you are a kid youre always hoping for the best. For the most part, you only think positively about things. Maybe its because you are naive, you still trust everyone, and even magic is real to you. But eventually the realities of this cruel world become a part of your mentality.
I cant say enough how lucky I am that my mom is my mom. If I had a weaker, more fragile and irresponsible mother then I might not be here today. She is amazing and Im the woman I am today because of it. But my father raised me on broken promises, belated birthday cards, and once-every-three-years visits. He made me believe that what someone said was not actually what they ever did. The point is very well proven into my teen years where he promised summertime getaways and checks in the mail for back-to-school shopping. The checks and plane tickets never came and so I always maintained the attitude: expect the worst and you wont be let down.
I wouldnt say that Ive had a bad life. But its just plain truth that Ive had it harder than a fair bit of other people. Some things I brought on myself and some not; thats besides the point. Throughout that I was never truly "let down" because my expectations were so low in the first place. But you know what? I always expected the worst, and many times I got the worst. It never did any good for me to have that negative outlook on life, because not once was I surprised with an amazing thing when I hadnt gotten my hopes up over it.
And so now Im teetering on the edge of this cliff. I could fall or I could be lifted up. This decision is beyond anyones hands at this point and all Im left to do for a little while is... well, nothing. And instead of looking down, Im looking up. Im not even thinking of the negative possibility because focusing on the desired outcome is what gets me through my day. For once in my life Im hoping for and expecting the best, and now Im being warned I shouldnt do that.
Who is to say why things happen they do. Me? Im a fate/karma type of person. Whatever happens is meant to be. Since Ive always expected the worst, and received it - why not hope for the best and get what I want? Maybe if I need and want something so much, it will send out some kind of energy that effects the way decisions are made. Persistence and wishful thinking has gotten me an amazing job, and a gorgeous apartment in the past two months. Why abandon the positive mentality now?
You know I say all this but if Im let down you know right where Ill be. Back at the last rung of a ladder called hope. But I cant come down now. Not yet. Not until its proven to me once again.
I cant say enough how lucky I am that my mom is my mom. If I had a weaker, more fragile and irresponsible mother then I might not be here today. She is amazing and Im the woman I am today because of it. But my father raised me on broken promises, belated birthday cards, and once-every-three-years visits. He made me believe that what someone said was not actually what they ever did. The point is very well proven into my teen years where he promised summertime getaways and checks in the mail for back-to-school shopping. The checks and plane tickets never came and so I always maintained the attitude: expect the worst and you wont be let down.
I wouldnt say that Ive had a bad life. But its just plain truth that Ive had it harder than a fair bit of other people. Some things I brought on myself and some not; thats besides the point. Throughout that I was never truly "let down" because my expectations were so low in the first place. But you know what? I always expected the worst, and many times I got the worst. It never did any good for me to have that negative outlook on life, because not once was I surprised with an amazing thing when I hadnt gotten my hopes up over it.
And so now Im teetering on the edge of this cliff. I could fall or I could be lifted up. This decision is beyond anyones hands at this point and all Im left to do for a little while is... well, nothing. And instead of looking down, Im looking up. Im not even thinking of the negative possibility because focusing on the desired outcome is what gets me through my day. For once in my life Im hoping for and expecting the best, and now Im being warned I shouldnt do that.
Who is to say why things happen they do. Me? Im a fate/karma type of person. Whatever happens is meant to be. Since Ive always expected the worst, and received it - why not hope for the best and get what I want? Maybe if I need and want something so much, it will send out some kind of energy that effects the way decisions are made. Persistence and wishful thinking has gotten me an amazing job, and a gorgeous apartment in the past two months. Why abandon the positive mentality now?
You know I say all this but if Im let down you know right where Ill be. Back at the last rung of a ladder called hope. But I cant come down now. Not yet. Not until its proven to me once again.