Maybe Spending My Summer Working @ McCues Made Me Dumb!?
Despite the fact that last week was my stressful week, it seems that it is all catching up to me now. I had so much shit to do last week, mostly all having to do with school, but somehow I made it through. It was not until this weekend that I had my first major breakdown regarding my mother moving, and it was not until today that I started getting worried about my grades.
I know that nobody can be perfect, and to somehow get through college with a 4.0 would mean that I'm a genius, or I have no social life. I'm not dissing these people, in fact I'm extremely jealous of them. But I cant live without my friends and I'm not saying I'm retarded but we all know I'm not a fucking genius here. So a 4.0 for my first semester, and a 3.94 for my second semester isn't bad. In my Expository Writing class I received the worst grade I've gotten on a paper in college: a C. It was a very confusing assignment, and it didn't count for anything really, besides letting the teacher get a sense of our writing style. Nevertheless, it was a C.
I have history exams every week and the first week I got a 63. The reason behind that is that it was an open-book test, and I didn't bring my book because I didn't realize we could use it. The second time around, even with my book, I only got an 80. In this class we can take about 10 tests and only the top 4 grades will count toward your final grade. So if I do not get an A in this class it is because I am a fucking idiot, obviously.
My sociology class is ridiculously hard for a 101, but its because this guy doesn't normally teach intro classes. We have had two quizzes. On the first quiz I got a 93, a grade that I am accustomed to getting but on the other one I got an 80. Tomorrow is the big exam. I guess the fact that I'm writing in my livejournal instead of studying should explain why I suck so bad at school this semester.
Today I got back my first geology exam and I got an 81. I got the lowest score out of my friends in the class (3 guys) and not to come off like a bitch, but I really did not expect that.
I'm doing well in news writing but that is because it is my easiest class and.. yeah.
I'm not saying Bs are bad grades... for other people. But they are just not my type of grades. I do go out more this semester than in the previous ones, but I still do all my school work and study. School is definitely my priority and I don't blow off writing a paper so I can go out drinking. So - I get shit done. Apparently it is just not good enough and I can't figure out why. I think it is because I am taking 5 classes, unlike last year where I took 4 classes per semester. But taking 4 classes was making me fall behind, which is why I'm now 5 credits shy of being an official sophomore even though I'm in my second year. The other thing I'm thinking about is exactly what finally hit me this weekend:
My mother is moving 1,000 miles away in less than two months.
I know when she first met her current fiancé two years ago I had my suspicions. They moved so quickly, first saying 'I love you', then moving in, and then getting engaged within a matter of 6 months. Now those sour feelings are creeping back in because they only reason my mommy is moving away is because of him. If he didn't come into her life, there is no way in hell she would be moving to South Carolina. Of course, if he wasn't in her life she would not be as happy as she is now, so I guess that's the price I pay to see her a happy woman.
Still, though. Who does that? "Growing up it was just me and my mom against the world..." (Ani, of course) and really I have lived most of my life not having to share her. Men have always come in and out, but they've never taken her away from me for good. It finally hit me while I was lying in the boy's arms. They had gone to S.C. for the weekend to look for apartments and this is actually becoming quite the reality.
The house is practically sold, and by the end of November (at the latest) they will be out of here. Among all the things I have to feel shitty and worried about: (where will I live until I go to Australia in February? Where will I live when I get back in June? What if I can't find a roommate, or an apartment? Who is going to drive my car every once in a while to keep it in good condition over the winter? How am I going to pay for my food and all the other bills that I've never worried about?) the one thing that sticks in my head the most is....
I'm alone. So very alone.
I know people with ginormous families and everyone is so close and knows eachother so well. That is exactly the opposite of my family. My family is teeny tiny and no one really cares about anyone in the family. We barely know what's going on in eachothers lives and we only find out about three times a year: thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. I have no sappy-grandmother relationship, or caring-aunt relationship or anything at all like that. I have a half sister that didn't even call me on my birthday. I have a father that was pretty much non existent my entire life until I was like 14, and even up until this point I have no real bond with him. Besides, he'll be moving to Florida by the end of the year anyway.
I am going to be an orphan. I have family, but I don't really have a family and I don't think many people will understand that. If I'm having a bad day I cant call up my aunt and ask if she wants to go out for coffee with me. If I need advice about something I cant sit at the end of my grandmothers bed and chat. That shit just doesn't fly with my family. The only person I have like that is my mother. And she is moving 1,000 miles away.
I'm really fucking struggling with this. That is why it is so funny when I tell people about the situation I am able to keep such a neutral attitude about it. Because I'm not that type of person at all. Now whenever I think about it I cant keep the tears from falling out of my eyes.
I'm ready for independent living. I can handle it all, I know that much. It has nothing to do with the fact that I'll be living on my own, taking care of my own bills, and being responsible and mature. It's the fact that my mother is leaving me behind.
Maybe that's why my life (and GPA) is falling apart.
I know that nobody can be perfect, and to somehow get through college with a 4.0 would mean that I'm a genius, or I have no social life. I'm not dissing these people, in fact I'm extremely jealous of them. But I cant live without my friends and I'm not saying I'm retarded but we all know I'm not a fucking genius here. So a 4.0 for my first semester, and a 3.94 for my second semester isn't bad. In my Expository Writing class I received the worst grade I've gotten on a paper in college: a C. It was a very confusing assignment, and it didn't count for anything really, besides letting the teacher get a sense of our writing style. Nevertheless, it was a C.
I have history exams every week and the first week I got a 63. The reason behind that is that it was an open-book test, and I didn't bring my book because I didn't realize we could use it. The second time around, even with my book, I only got an 80. In this class we can take about 10 tests and only the top 4 grades will count toward your final grade. So if I do not get an A in this class it is because I am a fucking idiot, obviously.
My sociology class is ridiculously hard for a 101, but its because this guy doesn't normally teach intro classes. We have had two quizzes. On the first quiz I got a 93, a grade that I am accustomed to getting but on the other one I got an 80. Tomorrow is the big exam. I guess the fact that I'm writing in my livejournal instead of studying should explain why I suck so bad at school this semester.
Today I got back my first geology exam and I got an 81. I got the lowest score out of my friends in the class (3 guys) and not to come off like a bitch, but I really did not expect that.
I'm doing well in news writing but that is because it is my easiest class and.. yeah.
I'm not saying Bs are bad grades... for other people. But they are just not my type of grades. I do go out more this semester than in the previous ones, but I still do all my school work and study. School is definitely my priority and I don't blow off writing a paper so I can go out drinking. So - I get shit done. Apparently it is just not good enough and I can't figure out why. I think it is because I am taking 5 classes, unlike last year where I took 4 classes per semester. But taking 4 classes was making me fall behind, which is why I'm now 5 credits shy of being an official sophomore even though I'm in my second year. The other thing I'm thinking about is exactly what finally hit me this weekend:
My mother is moving 1,000 miles away in less than two months.
I know when she first met her current fiancé two years ago I had my suspicions. They moved so quickly, first saying 'I love you', then moving in, and then getting engaged within a matter of 6 months. Now those sour feelings are creeping back in because they only reason my mommy is moving away is because of him. If he didn't come into her life, there is no way in hell she would be moving to South Carolina. Of course, if he wasn't in her life she would not be as happy as she is now, so I guess that's the price I pay to see her a happy woman.
Still, though. Who does that? "Growing up it was just me and my mom against the world..." (Ani, of course) and really I have lived most of my life not having to share her. Men have always come in and out, but they've never taken her away from me for good. It finally hit me while I was lying in the boy's arms. They had gone to S.C. for the weekend to look for apartments and this is actually becoming quite the reality.
The house is practically sold, and by the end of November (at the latest) they will be out of here. Among all the things I have to feel shitty and worried about: (where will I live until I go to Australia in February? Where will I live when I get back in June? What if I can't find a roommate, or an apartment? Who is going to drive my car every once in a while to keep it in good condition over the winter? How am I going to pay for my food and all the other bills that I've never worried about?) the one thing that sticks in my head the most is....
I'm alone. So very alone.
I know people with ginormous families and everyone is so close and knows eachother so well. That is exactly the opposite of my family. My family is teeny tiny and no one really cares about anyone in the family. We barely know what's going on in eachothers lives and we only find out about three times a year: thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. I have no sappy-grandmother relationship, or caring-aunt relationship or anything at all like that. I have a half sister that didn't even call me on my birthday. I have a father that was pretty much non existent my entire life until I was like 14, and even up until this point I have no real bond with him. Besides, he'll be moving to Florida by the end of the year anyway.
I am going to be an orphan. I have family, but I don't really have a family and I don't think many people will understand that. If I'm having a bad day I cant call up my aunt and ask if she wants to go out for coffee with me. If I need advice about something I cant sit at the end of my grandmothers bed and chat. That shit just doesn't fly with my family. The only person I have like that is my mother. And she is moving 1,000 miles away.
I'm really fucking struggling with this. That is why it is so funny when I tell people about the situation I am able to keep such a neutral attitude about it. Because I'm not that type of person at all. Now whenever I think about it I cant keep the tears from falling out of my eyes.
I'm ready for independent living. I can handle it all, I know that much. It has nothing to do with the fact that I'll be living on my own, taking care of my own bills, and being responsible and mature. It's the fact that my mother is leaving me behind.
Maybe that's why my life (and GPA) is falling apart.