gifting
Had a bit of a heated discussion with a friend tonight about my #1 reason for disliking the holiday season: gifting culture clashes. I'd be tempted to make my main question here "are my experiences honestly THAT atypical?" if I hadn't just come across this on the Miss Manners feed: Miss Manners says "time to squelch company Secret Santa programs. Apparently she gets quite a lot of "gifting shit fucked up, yo!" letters from people, especially around that most obnoxious of arenas for gifting culture issues, the workplace. Thing is, giving and receiving gifts with friends and family have, over the years, caused so much trouble for my husband and I (and the vast majority of our friends) that we plain stopped doing gifts altogether.
-This one will always rate #1 on the list, because this led to the blowout that estanged me from my in-laws for *years* (not, mind you, that it wasn't coming for several reasons anyway, but this was the kicker). They have *odd* gifting issues. The lot of them get together for a big (and by "big", I mean, like 30 people or more) family Christmas shindig every other year. What used to be the tradition was that people brought as many gifts as they pleased and for whomever they pleased. Some people get bitched at if they bring gifts for their spouse to this event, other people it seems to be okay. (I got bitched at.) Everyone must sit and raptly pay attention as one gift at a time is opened in order of age, from youngest to oldest. For one thing, this takes HOURS (and, y'know, it's boring as shit, and they get bitchy if you do anything instead of stare goggle-eyed and clap). For another, it's pretty obvious who doesn't have a lot of money for gift-buying, and who got fewer and more gifts than the others. I still remember with mortification the year I got more gifts as a complete outsider than my husband did. Eventually they did away with this in exchange for something where they draw names out of a hat and assign you someone. (Do I actually need to note that one person who drew me took pleasure in getting something clearly several sizes too small? I mean, this shirt would fit my cat, *maybe*, and I'm a plus size!) So there was some issue where I asked clarification, probably came across as annoyed (which I was, the "price limit" was OMGWTF way the fuck more than we had at the time) and the Grandmatriarch wrote this godawful email about how I "wasn't raised right" and "clearly have no idea what it's like to be in a family". Yeah, one thing to insult me, insulting my kin is something way the hell different. So that's the first on this list, for obvious reasons.
-Then there's the pair of former friends who had a joint birthday party for two people, the wife of the couple and her friend. I thought it was a special birthday (like 30, 40, etc., a year-marker), so we bought very nice gifts for both of them. Come to find out that, no, they do this every year. And expect that people who are friendly-acquaintances through hobby groups they host to shower them with nice gifts EVERY year. And lemme tell you, they don't give anything remotely equivalent to anybody else, either. The wife planned with me a birthday event for a mutual friend (and an especially close friend of mine, though she had known her considerably longer) who had had an especially traumatic year. I asked how much people could contribute, knowing that Rob and I would be probably giving the most and doing the lion's share of the work (considerable, in this case, including research, assembly, moving furniture, some handmade, etc.) She said $20 for everyone. I budgeted, and bought. She and her husband didn't give me the money, didn't help with the moving they said they'd help with, and couldn't in the end even be arsed to show up.
-Two friends who loved to give me unasked for presents. One who liked to send me gifts, one who would offer to buy things she couldn't afford and constantly do hours of research online for the vaguest thing I'd mention. In both cases, I fooled myself out of my discomfort for this, because I was raised to believe a gift creates an obligation that should be met with an equal gift. (And that is, of course, deeply rooted in all Indo-European cultures as "a gift for a gift"-- one of the ADF folks could remind me again of the proper word for that, as I've forgotten?) I thought "no, they really love to do this, and don't expect anything in return" (and I'd try to reciprocate where possible even then). Except, yeah, they did. The research hound expected me to drop everything and come running when she needed something, even if I was working. The other one, after the friendship ended, sent me an email reminding me "how much she gave me". None of which I *ever* in any remote way requested.
-My insane former employer. Yup, most businesses do some kind of gift-buying. I do wish they wouldn't, but they do. (And, as Miss Manners properly points out, it nearly always ends in disaster, but I digress.) This place, though, was out there. Every single event, around came the happy clappy little bill-collector. You were expected to contribute for everything. And I don't mean small amounts of money, I mean giving wedding and baby showers where people were registering for thousands of dollars of shit, and folks making under $30k a year were expected to chuck in $50 each or more. We had six baby showers in a single 7-month period one year. Plus birthdays, plus Secret Santa, plus anything else they could come up with. For the love of all that's holy, STOP IT BEFORE WE ALL GO BROKE. Small company, too, so yup, everyone knows who gave and how much. Yes, if someone who's been there since the dawn of time and worked shifts for other folks without complaint suddenly gets married or turns 60 or something, sure, let's spring for the nice stuff. But making it routine means people cashing in on other people's generosity. (Which also happened. The most extravagant of the bridal showers? Was for a couple that lasted as husband and wife for about a month and a half. Needless to say, she never returned a single one of those gifts-- except, of course, to the stores from which they were bought so Golddigger Bride could pocket gift certificates.)
And folks wonder why I'm leery of unsought gifts, Secret Santa exchanges with "maximums" that are way the hell more than I can afford, constant gimme-gimme parties, and the like? They tend to end in tears and pissed-off people. It's just easier to go dutch and avoid the whole problem. I know some folks love (and make a fine art out of) giving gifts, and I do appreciate it. But IMO, it leaves a bit of an imbalance, and I'm not fond of owing debts to people. I prefer to discharge such obligations and even the slate as soon as possible. There are, of course, exceptions, even for me. Trauma, for one. You go the extra mile for friends or family who've been through serious shit. Major events, for another-- weddings, first child, first home, milestone birthdays (21, 30, 40, etc.), major life milestones, that sort of thing-- of course you're expected to gift on those occasions, and gift reasonably well for many of them. But even then, when you or your family next fall into one of those categories, those who you have to are expected to pony up for you. That's how it works, this "reciprocity is polite" concept. I'd fully expect my mother to kick my ass, and every dead Mullin, Reichel, or Viensek to haunt me moaning "were you raised in a baaaaarn?" if I fell down on either side of the reciprocity divide. My family had gift lists for everything, and my mother had a calculator implanted in her brain that let her look at a present to her kid and assess its value, so that she could send back an equivalent present to *their* kid. I mean, nobody wants to get caught out looking tacky here!
So that's me and mine; and pretty much my husband's as well (different gifting culture, but more or less similar in base code). What does your gifting culture look like, and do you ever have dustups over giving with folks from a clearly different sort of giving system? Do you give gifts to family and to friends? Have you changed the way you handle friend gifts within the last few years? What about company gifts? Are you okay with whatever system your job uses for gift-giving, or not?
ETA: Still more people who hate secret Santa.
-This one will always rate #1 on the list, because this led to the blowout that estanged me from my in-laws for *years* (not, mind you, that it wasn't coming for several reasons anyway, but this was the kicker). They have *odd* gifting issues. The lot of them get together for a big (and by "big", I mean, like 30 people or more) family Christmas shindig every other year. What used to be the tradition was that people brought as many gifts as they pleased and for whomever they pleased. Some people get bitched at if they bring gifts for their spouse to this event, other people it seems to be okay. (I got bitched at.) Everyone must sit and raptly pay attention as one gift at a time is opened in order of age, from youngest to oldest. For one thing, this takes HOURS (and, y'know, it's boring as shit, and they get bitchy if you do anything instead of stare goggle-eyed and clap). For another, it's pretty obvious who doesn't have a lot of money for gift-buying, and who got fewer and more gifts than the others. I still remember with mortification the year I got more gifts as a complete outsider than my husband did. Eventually they did away with this in exchange for something where they draw names out of a hat and assign you someone. (Do I actually need to note that one person who drew me took pleasure in getting something clearly several sizes too small? I mean, this shirt would fit my cat, *maybe*, and I'm a plus size!) So there was some issue where I asked clarification, probably came across as annoyed (which I was, the "price limit" was OMGWTF way the fuck more than we had at the time) and the Grandmatriarch wrote this godawful email about how I "wasn't raised right" and "clearly have no idea what it's like to be in a family". Yeah, one thing to insult me, insulting my kin is something way the hell different. So that's the first on this list, for obvious reasons.
-Then there's the pair of former friends who had a joint birthday party for two people, the wife of the couple and her friend. I thought it was a special birthday (like 30, 40, etc., a year-marker), so we bought very nice gifts for both of them. Come to find out that, no, they do this every year. And expect that people who are friendly-acquaintances through hobby groups they host to shower them with nice gifts EVERY year. And lemme tell you, they don't give anything remotely equivalent to anybody else, either. The wife planned with me a birthday event for a mutual friend (and an especially close friend of mine, though she had known her considerably longer) who had had an especially traumatic year. I asked how much people could contribute, knowing that Rob and I would be probably giving the most and doing the lion's share of the work (considerable, in this case, including research, assembly, moving furniture, some handmade, etc.) She said $20 for everyone. I budgeted, and bought. She and her husband didn't give me the money, didn't help with the moving they said they'd help with, and couldn't in the end even be arsed to show up.
-Two friends who loved to give me unasked for presents. One who liked to send me gifts, one who would offer to buy things she couldn't afford and constantly do hours of research online for the vaguest thing I'd mention. In both cases, I fooled myself out of my discomfort for this, because I was raised to believe a gift creates an obligation that should be met with an equal gift. (And that is, of course, deeply rooted in all Indo-European cultures as "a gift for a gift"-- one of the ADF folks could remind me again of the proper word for that, as I've forgotten?) I thought "no, they really love to do this, and don't expect anything in return" (and I'd try to reciprocate where possible even then). Except, yeah, they did. The research hound expected me to drop everything and come running when she needed something, even if I was working. The other one, after the friendship ended, sent me an email reminding me "how much she gave me". None of which I *ever* in any remote way requested.
-My insane former employer. Yup, most businesses do some kind of gift-buying. I do wish they wouldn't, but they do. (And, as Miss Manners properly points out, it nearly always ends in disaster, but I digress.) This place, though, was out there. Every single event, around came the happy clappy little bill-collector. You were expected to contribute for everything. And I don't mean small amounts of money, I mean giving wedding and baby showers where people were registering for thousands of dollars of shit, and folks making under $30k a year were expected to chuck in $50 each or more. We had six baby showers in a single 7-month period one year. Plus birthdays, plus Secret Santa, plus anything else they could come up with. For the love of all that's holy, STOP IT BEFORE WE ALL GO BROKE. Small company, too, so yup, everyone knows who gave and how much. Yes, if someone who's been there since the dawn of time and worked shifts for other folks without complaint suddenly gets married or turns 60 or something, sure, let's spring for the nice stuff. But making it routine means people cashing in on other people's generosity. (Which also happened. The most extravagant of the bridal showers? Was for a couple that lasted as husband and wife for about a month and a half. Needless to say, she never returned a single one of those gifts-- except, of course, to the stores from which they were bought so Golddigger Bride could pocket gift certificates.)
And folks wonder why I'm leery of unsought gifts, Secret Santa exchanges with "maximums" that are way the hell more than I can afford, constant gimme-gimme parties, and the like? They tend to end in tears and pissed-off people. It's just easier to go dutch and avoid the whole problem. I know some folks love (and make a fine art out of) giving gifts, and I do appreciate it. But IMO, it leaves a bit of an imbalance, and I'm not fond of owing debts to people. I prefer to discharge such obligations and even the slate as soon as possible. There are, of course, exceptions, even for me. Trauma, for one. You go the extra mile for friends or family who've been through serious shit. Major events, for another-- weddings, first child, first home, milestone birthdays (21, 30, 40, etc.), major life milestones, that sort of thing-- of course you're expected to gift on those occasions, and gift reasonably well for many of them. But even then, when you or your family next fall into one of those categories, those who you have to are expected to pony up for you. That's how it works, this "reciprocity is polite" concept. I'd fully expect my mother to kick my ass, and every dead Mullin, Reichel, or Viensek to haunt me moaning "were you raised in a baaaaarn?" if I fell down on either side of the reciprocity divide. My family had gift lists for everything, and my mother had a calculator implanted in her brain that let her look at a present to her kid and assess its value, so that she could send back an equivalent present to *their* kid. I mean, nobody wants to get caught out looking tacky here!
So that's me and mine; and pretty much my husband's as well (different gifting culture, but more or less similar in base code). What does your gifting culture look like, and do you ever have dustups over giving with folks from a clearly different sort of giving system? Do you give gifts to family and to friends? Have you changed the way you handle friend gifts within the last few years? What about company gifts? Are you okay with whatever system your job uses for gift-giving, or not?
ETA: Still more people who hate secret Santa.