Ya Ya
I watched Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood for the second time. I remember seeing it in the movie theater with you all and the night that followed. There were tears just like the first time I saw it but the tears were different this time. The first time I saw it I cried with the sisters for mothers lost, theirs taken too soon, and ours never known, this time I cried alone finally understanding the message behind the movie. I think back to who I was then a young girl making the transition into a young woman while I had issues with how I looked back then I thought I knew at least who I was and what I wanted. My future was clear law school marriage a family. Now watching it when I think of the future it is no longer as clear as it once was. My self doubt no longer is just how I look, but who I am and who I will become. I am blessed that I still have my YaYa sisters to help me stay grounded my relationship with all of you has changed through the years. M is no longer just the kid sister but my friend who keeps me grounded and reminds me that I am a strong woman who can overcome any bump in the road no matter how big, even if she has to carry me over it herself. E reminds me that achieving my dreams is possible and that its ok that I am not sure what they are, she helps keep me sane when I think that my life is falling apart around me and offers me refuge when I just need a break from it all. Even though she will argue that I am wrong A is more the little sister now then she was back then, and I like being the big sister and not trying to be the mom that I thought that I had to be.
The new comers to the sisterhood are just an important as those of us that have been there from the beginning. J brings compassion and beauty to my life. She shows me that you do not have to be a size 0 to be beautiful, and that beauty is more than what you see when you look into a mirror. She reassures me that its ok that my heart still aches for a love lost and helps me step outside my comfort zone and shows me that I can not only pull off clothes that I never thought I could but that I do not have to compromise my morals to be beautiful. C keeps me grounded, I watch her struggle with life and learning to be an adult and I see myself in her. Watching her grow into the woman she will become and knowing that in at least some small way I helped her is a nice feeling. I know that she struggles with some of the same things I struggle with its nice to know I a not going through the alone. The newest member to the sisterhood R shows me how to live life to the fullest even while being sick. Even on her worst day, when she is feeling awful and just wants to curl up and wait for it to get better, she still has a smile on her face and goes on with life never slowing down even for a second. Not only being an amazing friend to me but an amazing mother to her son, and step children (loving her step children as she loves her own son). I hope that one day I will handle my illness with the grace and laughter that she handles hers, and that I am able to be that kind of mother to my children healthy or sick. Then there is J.B. (I know I usually only use first initials but since there is the lovely Miss J I need to use last initials for the boys E's J.O. and now R's J.B.) no he is not a girl so therefore can not be a sister but just like when M was alive he has was a sister J.B. is now one too. J.B. shows me what a spouse (or potential spouse) is supposed to be. The love and tenderness he has for R shows me that not only are there men out there that stands by their wives no matter what, and treats them with kindness and respect but that there are men out there who will stand by their wife through sickness and in health. While he may get frustrated with her illness he never gets frustrated with her and never leaves her side when she is sick, taking care of the kids, the house, and work, (well unless his country calls then he makes sure she is in good hands while he is gone) and through it all still looking at her with love in his eyes. While M is no longer with us he is still so much a part of out sisterhood (when he was alive he was always one of the girls). He taught us how to enjoy life and live it to the fullest, to enjoy everyday. He showed us that you have to look past what you see and see the beauty that is there. When describing the newcomers I used "I" but I am sure that they bring the same happiness to my sisters that they do to me.
I know that I still have issues that I struggle with everyday and there are things that I need to deal with, a sort of spring cleaning if you will. I have spent my whole life not only sweeping my feelings under the rug so that I did not have to deal with them but also believing not only the negative thoughts that run through my own head the but the ugly things that have been told to me over the years and I am going to work on training myself to think more positive about myself and listening to the good that you all tell me everyday. I wish that it was something that could happen over night and that by making this decision all the self doubt, self hatred, and self destructive behavior would stop but I know that life does not work that way and it is something that I will have to work on everyday and I know that for every good day there will be as many (if not more) bad days (at least at first) but I know that with my sisters by my side I will over come all of this and be the woman, friend, sister, wife, and mother, that I so long to be, so please just bear with me as I learn how to change my way of thinking. My therapist said that I should use this to get out the thoughts in my head and while I try to I often leave out the stuff that I think will be boring for you all to read, or that sounds too whiny but I think that I will give her way a try and see how it goes. While at first I as not sure that this whole therapy thing would work I know that if I do not give it a try it won't work so I apologize in advance if my posts start to sound whiny or annoying, thank you all for what you have done this far and what I know you will do in the future, both what you know you do and what you do just being you.
The new comers to the sisterhood are just an important as those of us that have been there from the beginning. J brings compassion and beauty to my life. She shows me that you do not have to be a size 0 to be beautiful, and that beauty is more than what you see when you look into a mirror. She reassures me that its ok that my heart still aches for a love lost and helps me step outside my comfort zone and shows me that I can not only pull off clothes that I never thought I could but that I do not have to compromise my morals to be beautiful. C keeps me grounded, I watch her struggle with life and learning to be an adult and I see myself in her. Watching her grow into the woman she will become and knowing that in at least some small way I helped her is a nice feeling. I know that she struggles with some of the same things I struggle with its nice to know I a not going through the alone. The newest member to the sisterhood R shows me how to live life to the fullest even while being sick. Even on her worst day, when she is feeling awful and just wants to curl up and wait for it to get better, she still has a smile on her face and goes on with life never slowing down even for a second. Not only being an amazing friend to me but an amazing mother to her son, and step children (loving her step children as she loves her own son). I hope that one day I will handle my illness with the grace and laughter that she handles hers, and that I am able to be that kind of mother to my children healthy or sick. Then there is J.B. (I know I usually only use first initials but since there is the lovely Miss J I need to use last initials for the boys E's J.O. and now R's J.B.) no he is not a girl so therefore can not be a sister but just like when M was alive he has was a sister J.B. is now one too. J.B. shows me what a spouse (or potential spouse) is supposed to be. The love and tenderness he has for R shows me that not only are there men out there that stands by their wives no matter what, and treats them with kindness and respect but that there are men out there who will stand by their wife through sickness and in health. While he may get frustrated with her illness he never gets frustrated with her and never leaves her side when she is sick, taking care of the kids, the house, and work, (well unless his country calls then he makes sure she is in good hands while he is gone) and through it all still looking at her with love in his eyes. While M is no longer with us he is still so much a part of out sisterhood (when he was alive he was always one of the girls). He taught us how to enjoy life and live it to the fullest, to enjoy everyday. He showed us that you have to look past what you see and see the beauty that is there. When describing the newcomers I used "I" but I am sure that they bring the same happiness to my sisters that they do to me.
I know that I still have issues that I struggle with everyday and there are things that I need to deal with, a sort of spring cleaning if you will. I have spent my whole life not only sweeping my feelings under the rug so that I did not have to deal with them but also believing not only the negative thoughts that run through my own head the but the ugly things that have been told to me over the years and I am going to work on training myself to think more positive about myself and listening to the good that you all tell me everyday. I wish that it was something that could happen over night and that by making this decision all the self doubt, self hatred, and self destructive behavior would stop but I know that life does not work that way and it is something that I will have to work on everyday and I know that for every good day there will be as many (if not more) bad days (at least at first) but I know that with my sisters by my side I will over come all of this and be the woman, friend, sister, wife, and mother, that I so long to be, so please just bear with me as I learn how to change my way of thinking. My therapist said that I should use this to get out the thoughts in my head and while I try to I often leave out the stuff that I think will be boring for you all to read, or that sounds too whiny but I think that I will give her way a try and see how it goes. While at first I as not sure that this whole therapy thing would work I know that if I do not give it a try it won't work so I apologize in advance if my posts start to sound whiny or annoying, thank you all for what you have done this far and what I know you will do in the future, both what you know you do and what you do just being you.