No longer my fathers daughter
I know that I have been gone for a while and I never realized how many people read this silly thing. I was sitting at the bar one day while poker was on a break and was asked what I was going to study when I went back to school and before I could answer one of you said I should be a writer and mentioned this silly blog. I tried to laugh you off but then H got in on it and there was no stopping you two. You would have thought that Jane Austen was the author the way the two of you quoted my work, I was flattered and speechless. I have always wanted to be an attorney, I write because it takes away stress takes away everything really. I can for that time get lost in another time or place I am but words across the page. A place where I have never known heart break, pain, fear, or self doubt. To hear you all talk about me writing as a living was something that I had never even dared to dream. Being a writer is like being a movie star, or a famous singer. Everyone wants to do it but it does no happen no matter how good you are, or how hard you wish, and after hearing your words I dared to wish for that and then the words stopped coming, no matter how hard I tried to find them the pages were blank. I think that they would still be blank if not for that song you sent me E, I did not even know that I needed it and still there is was and the words came back to me.
My father gets married next month and our relationship lately has been rough and for the first time in my life I was and am still, angry with my father. He has always been the one person that no matter what I knew he loved me and that I loved no matter what. Nothing could change that, or take it away. Everyone who knows me knows that it took me a while to be ok with sharing my dad, I knew that things would change and I was not sure that I was ready for that but in time I fell in love with J and was glad that my father had found someone to share the rest of his life with, who makes him happier than I have ever seen.
When our conversation started and the I saw the anger in his eyes I was lost and when I heard him say that we needed to talk about honesty I was confused, because while I am thick headed and there has been more times than I can count when we have argued in the past years, the one thing that I have tried to be with my father is honest. I wish that I could say that this was something that I have always done however there was time that I lied just to lie, its not something I am proud of and wish that I could un-tell them but since I can not I decided a long time ago that we are both adults and I do not have to agree with my father, but because of all that he has done for us kids I owed it to him to be honest to him. Please understand that there are some things that I have kept to myself, things that no father should know about their daughter either because it would be too weird, it will just break his heart but the days of lying just to lie have been over for a long time. So I had no idea where the conversation was going to go, as he started talking it took me a few min to process what was being said and as it dawned on me the words started out before I could stop them and it was like I was 16 again seeing who could yell the loudest, neither of us hearing what the other was saying until the moment that I thought that he was going to hit me. While it was not the first time that I have hat that reaction it was the first time that I have had it with my father. It was not the same feeling I would get as a little girl after my brother and I had spent the day picking on A, or when I got caught sneaking out to meet a boy, yes a got an ass beating for those things and a few more (all of which I asked for) but this time I reacted the same as I did when H would start to yell. The fear gave way to shock as the words poured out of his mouth. I saw him there, the man who had kissed my skin knee when I fell, the same man who could "magically" pull glow sticks from under our pillows. I looked for the man who strolled hand in hand with me as he taught me life's lessons as best he could, and sang ridiculous songs when I woke up in a bad mood making me laugh even when it was the last thing that I thought that I wanted. No matter how hard I looked I could not find that man, in his place was someone that I had never met. I was numb when I walked out of his room the hateful things that were said burned into my mind playing over and over like a broken record, no matter how hard I tried I could not get it to stop. I was crushed, the man in front of me was not someone that I knew. As I walked tears rolling down my cheeks the pain and sadness gave way to anger. I know who I am and while there are times in my life that I did things that I was not proud of I am not that person anymore, It took me a long time to repair the damage that I did to my relationship with my father and I am not about to mess it up now. I am at a loss as to where to go next or what to do. Our relationship has changed since that day and I am not sure that it will ever be able to go back to where it was before that fight and to be honest I am not sure that I want it to, I do know that he is my father and has done a lot to help me the last few months and I am in his house so I will behave like an adult and do my best to avoid another blow up or make anyone else that is around uncomfortable with tension between us. I have to behave like an adult and put what happened on the back burner and behave like an adult, not the first time that I have had to do it and I am sure that it will not be the last.
I will admit though that I am not sure where to go from here. He and J will be married soon and I know that they will want to be together as newly weds. I am trying to find a job and I hope that I am able to find one quickly, because I am not sure where I will go after they are married. I know that J had mentioned that I could stay at her place but after after all this I do not know if the offer is still there, and whenever I live WITH someone things seem to go bad. I just want to get my life back, if the doctor had not said that I could drive and go back to work I may have lost my mind. Not that he would ever admit that he was wrong about me, but I want to show my dad that I can manage my own life and I am not an idiot and I can do just fine without someone taking care of me. I know that even if I start to feel like I am going a little crazy my friends will help me stand tall. So thank you all for everything you have done and all that I am sure that you will do.
The thing that breaks my heart the most is that I have always been proud to be my fathers daughter and now I am not sure that I am ok with that
My father gets married next month and our relationship lately has been rough and for the first time in my life I was and am still, angry with my father. He has always been the one person that no matter what I knew he loved me and that I loved no matter what. Nothing could change that, or take it away. Everyone who knows me knows that it took me a while to be ok with sharing my dad, I knew that things would change and I was not sure that I was ready for that but in time I fell in love with J and was glad that my father had found someone to share the rest of his life with, who makes him happier than I have ever seen.
When our conversation started and the I saw the anger in his eyes I was lost and when I heard him say that we needed to talk about honesty I was confused, because while I am thick headed and there has been more times than I can count when we have argued in the past years, the one thing that I have tried to be with my father is honest. I wish that I could say that this was something that I have always done however there was time that I lied just to lie, its not something I am proud of and wish that I could un-tell them but since I can not I decided a long time ago that we are both adults and I do not have to agree with my father, but because of all that he has done for us kids I owed it to him to be honest to him. Please understand that there are some things that I have kept to myself, things that no father should know about their daughter either because it would be too weird, it will just break his heart but the days of lying just to lie have been over for a long time. So I had no idea where the conversation was going to go, as he started talking it took me a few min to process what was being said and as it dawned on me the words started out before I could stop them and it was like I was 16 again seeing who could yell the loudest, neither of us hearing what the other was saying until the moment that I thought that he was going to hit me. While it was not the first time that I have hat that reaction it was the first time that I have had it with my father. It was not the same feeling I would get as a little girl after my brother and I had spent the day picking on A, or when I got caught sneaking out to meet a boy, yes a got an ass beating for those things and a few more (all of which I asked for) but this time I reacted the same as I did when H would start to yell. The fear gave way to shock as the words poured out of his mouth. I saw him there, the man who had kissed my skin knee when I fell, the same man who could "magically" pull glow sticks from under our pillows. I looked for the man who strolled hand in hand with me as he taught me life's lessons as best he could, and sang ridiculous songs when I woke up in a bad mood making me laugh even when it was the last thing that I thought that I wanted. No matter how hard I looked I could not find that man, in his place was someone that I had never met. I was numb when I walked out of his room the hateful things that were said burned into my mind playing over and over like a broken record, no matter how hard I tried I could not get it to stop. I was crushed, the man in front of me was not someone that I knew. As I walked tears rolling down my cheeks the pain and sadness gave way to anger. I know who I am and while there are times in my life that I did things that I was not proud of I am not that person anymore, It took me a long time to repair the damage that I did to my relationship with my father and I am not about to mess it up now. I am at a loss as to where to go next or what to do. Our relationship has changed since that day and I am not sure that it will ever be able to go back to where it was before that fight and to be honest I am not sure that I want it to, I do know that he is my father and has done a lot to help me the last few months and I am in his house so I will behave like an adult and do my best to avoid another blow up or make anyone else that is around uncomfortable with tension between us. I have to behave like an adult and put what happened on the back burner and behave like an adult, not the first time that I have had to do it and I am sure that it will not be the last.
I will admit though that I am not sure where to go from here. He and J will be married soon and I know that they will want to be together as newly weds. I am trying to find a job and I hope that I am able to find one quickly, because I am not sure where I will go after they are married. I know that J had mentioned that I could stay at her place but after after all this I do not know if the offer is still there, and whenever I live WITH someone things seem to go bad. I just want to get my life back, if the doctor had not said that I could drive and go back to work I may have lost my mind. Not that he would ever admit that he was wrong about me, but I want to show my dad that I can manage my own life and I am not an idiot and I can do just fine without someone taking care of me. I know that even if I start to feel like I am going a little crazy my friends will help me stand tall. So thank you all for everything you have done and all that I am sure that you will do.
The thing that breaks my heart the most is that I have always been proud to be my fathers daughter and now I am not sure that I am ok with that