A flash back in time

[pinkneck]

The first time that I threw up it was an accident.  I was upset about how I had played in a tennis match, I am not sure if it was a result of the work out, heat, and tears but I threw up in the grass just past the courts, when I was done I felt better, empty almost as though all the frustration came out with the vomit I was hooked from that moment

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Still a struggle

[pinkneck]

Its always so strange to hear people say that I am strong because so often I feel like I am simply trying to keep things together, and I lean so hard on my family and friends that I think that you all must be getting tired of having to keep me upright. It has been a really long time since I had the urge to throw up, I had almost forgotten that I once struggled with it. When the desire came over me it took over everything else. It did not come to mind because I us unhappy with my weight but because it seemed as though I had lost control of my life. I rely on my father to pay my bills, my friends to drive me where I need to go, the medicine to deal with the symptoms ( even then it does not control all of them)and the doctors to tell me when I am healthy enough to go back to work. I hate not being able to hang on to what I am thinking, or doing or where I am going. It is as if I am only a passenger in my own life and I hate that feeling. I wanted to throw up so that there would be something that I can control again. I wish that I