A flash back in time

[pinkneck]

The first time that I threw up it was an accident.  I was upset about how I had played in a tennis match, I am not sure if it was a result of the work out, heat, and tears but I threw up in the grass just past the courts, when I was done I felt better, empty almost as though all the frustration came out with the vomit I was hooked from that moment.  I found that if I was sad, angry, or frustrated if I made myself throw up I felt better I felt almost high.  I finally felt like I some kind of control at a time where my life seemed to be falling apart at the seams.  At first I only did it when I had a rough day, or was really stressed but soon I was doing it every day, sometimes three or four times a day.  I started measuring how much I threw up making sure that I did not stop until I had gotten out the amount that I had come up with in my mind.  I kept it from everyone that I knew, I liked having something that just mine something that I had total control over, and I kept it myself until I was a Jr in high school and it started to effect my health even then I did not really volunteer the information.  It took many years, and a few slip ups until I managed to get it under control and until recently I had not really given it much thought.  I am not sure if it is because of all the stress that I have been under, and at times I feel like that 15 year old girl who's life is out of control unable to catch up with the people around me that seem to have it all together.  I am not really sure when the idea came back to me ( I am not sure that it ever totally left me if I am to be totally honest) but tonight I find myself thinking of the almost high that I had after each purge.  Its almost like an old friend that you run into in the store that you did not realize you missed until they were walking away.  If I were to say that I had not thought of falling into the old pattern I would be lying.  I remembered the peace I felt after, it was as though I could handle anything that was put in my path but I know that I can not go there again.  I know that it is dangerous and can bring more harm than good however it is tempting.  It took me a long time to get to a point that I did not think of it daily and I know that there will come a time that I do not think of it when things get really rough until then I guess that I will have to rely on my family and friends and all the things that I have learned during my recovery to help me deal with stress.

* Please do not think that this post has to do with our conversation tonight, its funny how things work out.  I kept meaning to post about this but have been too busy.  XOXO*