Now its time to say goodbye
I have lost my fair share of loved ones in my lifetime, the healing process for each death is as unique as the lives of each person lost. As my feet hit the ground of the park I was filled with a sense of dread, I did not want to be there. I wanted to get back in the car and tell my sister to take me home. I put the camera to my face to try and hide the tears that were forming hoping that by capturing the smiles on my friends faces while we tried to make ourselves sick on the merry go round would ease the pain I felt and it worked, for a while. Then I saw the small box in E's hand and I knew what was in there. I had not gone to the memorial service, never got to say goodbye to Red, in my mind he was still alive, and then I saw that damn box.
In the past the deaths were made real by the different services that were held in their honor, my Great Grandparents were old and while the loss of them both hurt I knew that it would happen their service was beautiful and my family grieved with me. When Jenna died not only did I see the accident, and the EMT pull her body from the car but she too had a beautiful service where we could say goodbye. While guilt kept me from CJ's funeral I made it to her viewing and saw that she was gone. Lastly when my Aunt passed away I was with her, touching her I knew that she was gone. With Red though it was different, I heard that he was gone, I cried, held my friends while they cried but I stayed away from his funeral. I wished that there was a way that I could have traded places with him, so that the world would not have lost such an amazing person. I thought that maybe there was a mistake, and he would come home and ask what we were all so upset about. But as I stood there looking at the box that E held in her hands I knew that he was gone and he would not be coming back, and it was time to say goodbye. I hated the tears that rolled down my cheeks, they gave away the hurt that I had tried so hard to ignore since the moment that I had heard he was gone. I picked up the camera and tried to see what he would have seen if he had been there. While I am the one who is taking pictures as we all hang out doing nothing, I do not even come close to doing what he did. I miss my friend, I miss him everyday, I miss all the people that I have lost along the way. I know that there are people that will tell you that there is no heaven and no hell, they say that when you die that is it no after life, your are put in the ground and then nothing. I hope that they are wrong because I like the idea of the people that I love spending time together watching over us, laughing at our jokes, cheering our accomplishments, and guiding us through the rough times. So many times these last few days my eyes have traveled to the photo of me and red he is hugging me, and I can almost feel his arms around me. I am glad that I was able to say goodbye with my friends, I still wish that I could change places with him but I know now that he is with me and my friends. I wish that the pain was gone but I learned a long time ago that the pain never goes away, like the ones we love it stays with you forever.
In the past the deaths were made real by the different services that were held in their honor, my Great Grandparents were old and while the loss of them both hurt I knew that it would happen their service was beautiful and my family grieved with me. When Jenna died not only did I see the accident, and the EMT pull her body from the car but she too had a beautiful service where we could say goodbye. While guilt kept me from CJ's funeral I made it to her viewing and saw that she was gone. Lastly when my Aunt passed away I was with her, touching her I knew that she was gone. With Red though it was different, I heard that he was gone, I cried, held my friends while they cried but I stayed away from his funeral. I wished that there was a way that I could have traded places with him, so that the world would not have lost such an amazing person. I thought that maybe there was a mistake, and he would come home and ask what we were all so upset about. But as I stood there looking at the box that E held in her hands I knew that he was gone and he would not be coming back, and it was time to say goodbye. I hated the tears that rolled down my cheeks, they gave away the hurt that I had tried so hard to ignore since the moment that I had heard he was gone. I picked up the camera and tried to see what he would have seen if he had been there. While I am the one who is taking pictures as we all hang out doing nothing, I do not even come close to doing what he did. I miss my friend, I miss him everyday, I miss all the people that I have lost along the way. I know that there are people that will tell you that there is no heaven and no hell, they say that when you die that is it no after life, your are put in the ground and then nothing. I hope that they are wrong because I like the idea of the people that I love spending time together watching over us, laughing at our jokes, cheering our accomplishments, and guiding us through the rough times. So many times these last few days my eyes have traveled to the photo of me and red he is hugging me, and I can almost feel his arms around me. I am glad that I was able to say goodbye with my friends, I still wish that I could change places with him but I know now that he is with me and my friends. I wish that the pain was gone but I learned a long time ago that the pain never goes away, like the ones we love it stays with you forever.