(no subject)
Yee Gads, Why oh ahy is it that I can never just have things remotely okay for more than a day? I'm so irritated right now I could just pack up and leave. I'm beginning to think it's impossible to be happy. Seriously. For me at least. Everyone else is okay, but I seem to be missing something or have left out a step, because I dont think everyone elses' life is supposed to be this way. I hate my location, I have no friend, I'm about to go return to a crappy ass job, the person i'm living with is an annoying, clingy, horndog MAN, and I couldn't be more discontent with life at this point. Worst part of all is that I have noone to call, or to call me and complain about it lol I have noone to go to who will understand and bitch with me. It's times like this I wish I had a girlfriend. I'm not talking about one like Bryany, I just have no emotion for her anymore except sadness and anger. I mean like Nikki. My ex nikki, who I dated a few years back was perfect. I could go to her without worry, nomatter what the time and magically she seemed to make everything okay. She never babied me, but she was like a friend. A friend with great benefits ;-) When I had a problem, she bitched and complained with me, and didn't try to cuddle it out of me every time. She was beautiful, funny, smart, sweet, she had goals, and she had the drive that I need in a person to keep me going. How I wish I had that now. While learning how to be dependent and driven by my own motivation, I need to be with someone to, well, look up to I guess. Someone already situated in life, or at least somewhat, who can show me what i'm doing wrong, give me drive. I have things to strive for, I just feel as though i'm in a rut and I can't get out. The person i'm with at the moment ahs NONE of that, no place to live (besides with me), no car, no drive, no blueprint for life, and that's what I need, besides a person who's funny, independent, and good looking. I'm tired of feeling like I'm putting on a show for him, basically telling/showing him what he wants to hear. I know that he's probably not the "one," and I admitted this to myself numerous times, but lately, he's got me sunk back in the same hole I was in when I was in Webster. Clinging onto him again, I feel like he's brainwashed me into thinking I need and have to have him again, when just a couple of weeks ago he was gone, for a while, and I was fine. Now i'm cuddly clingy again. I don't understand what's happening to me. I know it should be different.