its been forever but i have shit on my mind so im lettin it out for once
what the fuck is up with me i feel like im diein inside. i think i want to die inside for my heart to be out in a fuckin blinder and turned on till there is nothin fuckin left except dust. i wanna fuckin take needles and stick them in my arms thats all i can think about is stickin needles in my arm and lettin me know that i can still feel that there is still somet hin there that might be why i want to put my heart in a blinder wso that i know that i can feel that i know there is somehtin still there. bt i dont hink there is i think its been gone before i was even here. its what has been left out of me a true heart mine is just cold and black thres nothin there anymore. there never has been if there was even a gd out there i think thats what he left out. im fukin crazy with no heart. i want what was never there. i want to have the feeling of true pain. the only pain i ever feel is my own. me takin the blades and running them deep into my skin seeing the blood come out till i am nothin just like my hreat is nothin there is always nothin. but maybe it is better for me not to feel. i like it better when i give my own pain i dont want some1 else to do it. i dnt want to stop cuttin its the only thing that works. im tired of the doctors and the pills i dont want that anymore. i dont mind really mind the scares they remind me that im still really here that i can maybe feel somethin. it also shows just how fuckin crazy i am. i want those neeldes i want the pain that i make. i dont want some1 to make it i dont what to stop bleeding i want to forever. i want my needles i want to feel the steel in my arms i want it rubbing up near my bones to where i can feel somethin inside of be i want that feeling.i wish no1 was here so i can just fuckin get that shit over with so it can be out of my mind and i can think about somethin else cuase thats all thats in my head. there is no sarah or marla no mom or joe or oma or all the peopel that care about me. there is only the need to cut to burn to scratch to bite to bleed. i want to be alone. god im shackin so bad. i should just be put away so i cant hurt myself or any1 else. i need to just go back to that place. the place where i was able to have my life controled i slept when they wanted me to i ate when they wanted me to i didnt do anythin with out them knowing. truthfuly that made me feel even crazier and made it worse. cause once i got out i just did it again. i wanna cut. no i dont i just want to stab my fuckin arms have the little holes bleed and bleed and turn to bruses from me puttin the ppressure on it to go through. who the fuck thinks like that. i dot know what to fuickin do. i wanna say that i want to die but i dont!!!!!!!!!!i dont wnat to die!!!!!!!!!! i just want to blled and huirt forever. so i know i still have a heart somewhere inside of this lonly chest of mine. i wanna fuckin scream i wanna get it out. for once in my life i ust want to get all the pain and sadness out. i sometimes wish that i was just alone so that i wont have the guilt of being just who i am. a cutter. slef mutilation. depression. i swear it feels like there r voices jsut tellin me to cut. but i really just thihnk its me and i just want it to be some1 else. cause this is all i am 6 or 7 years of my life this is all ive ever known. this is me this is what i have become. iu look likre a skinny fuckin crack whore. cuase ive lost so much waight cuase of the meds and well me just not eating. and all the scares man i realy wanna stop typin but it feels like i have so much more to say. but i dont.....i sould just do it and for get about the people that r here and just get the fuck on with it