please please please no more melody
OMG JOURNAL! have you ever felt so jealous that you literally feel it coursing through your veins? i have an issue with jealousy though. of course it stems from insecurity. i'm sure its a fat girl thing. its just a reminder of how much i need to keep my emotions in check. i hate not feeling that i can trust someone. that was one of the great things about dj. i never thought he would cheat on me. he never made me feel that i couldn't trust him. it was so peaceful not having to worry about that shit. ugh! i could never be with a latin man. NEVER! i just can't trust them. i just can't. it so sucks because latin men give me the emotional stimulation that i crave and need. they're passionate, romantic, full of love carino... but at the same time they have so much of that shit that they give it to more that just one chick. i mean, they wanna share that shit with as many women as they can. i could never be with a latin man... not on a serious note at least. OMG! i'm just going to be single the rest of my life. i'm never going to find the one. or i found him already and he just doesn't want me. whatever, i look forward to a long and fun life of whoredome. haha. jk journal, jk. so, let me explain what happened. chuy was over last night and it was pretty fucking amazing! i mean, we told eachother that we really liked each other and that we would rather have what we have now and get hurt later than lose it now. kisses and cuddling and kisses and cuddling. so great rgiht? so, he's like, oh do you wanna see what my parents look like? so he gets his ipod and shows me his rents. i take the ipod and start going through his pictures and i see hella pictures of like his ex and him. now she's cute, thin, young. then i see hella pictures of pussy. yes pussy. i'm like wtf? he started laughing and was like... uh they're my friends. like you know, being funny. i was so mad. now i don't know if that was her or one of his friends, but really? so whatever. i got mad but i didn't show it. i just laughed and was like, yea you're a womanizer. no i'm not no i'm not. right after he wanted to show me his bf so we got on his myspace and i was like... uh oh, you have messages, who can they be from? he's like, dumb go ahead and look. so i look and hella bitches!!!!! he's like dumb she's my cousin... i'm like what about the others? i then laughed again and signed in to mine. he was annoyed. i could tell. and i knew he knew it had bothered me. no matter how hard i tried to hide the jealousy. i was fucking fuming! i literaly felt it in my fucking veins. omg! it was so hard controling it. i just got on myspace and was like... so are you leaving? he's like yea, i'll leave you to your vice kissed me and left. ah!!!!! i wanted to fucking scream. i had to take a paxil. of course. haha. stupid dumb fuck boi! how the fuck? ugh! and he just stays quiet... like... fuck. there's nothing he could have said at that moment. oh wait, he was like, would you prefer i had pictures of guys? dj came to mind. haha. no, i wouldn't. lmao! omg! this boy is driving me crazy already! wtf? wtf? i need to control my feelings. control... control... breath and control.
DJ. so the feelings of despair and sorrow have turned into resentment and anger. i'm fucking pissed and annoyed with him. i fucking can't stand the thought of seeing him or talking to him i'm so fucking pissed. omg! i want to fucking punch him in his inverted chest! like, i have bad wishes for him and i have to stop myself from thinking that way only cause i know its not good. i'm so pissed though. his indifference is fucking rediculous for one. i can't even fucking get started. i almost hate him. if i didn't love him so much, i would easily fucking hate him. i don't want to talk to him though. lets be friends?? um, no thank you. i'm not going to say that though. it would hurt him if i told him that i didn't want anything to do with him. well, at least that's what he says. so, i'll just let him continue thinking that everything is peachy. although i don't owe him that. pussy ass bitch. samantha was like " bianca, i can finally say this... he's gay" lol! she's funny. well, i'm outie.
DJ. so the feelings of despair and sorrow have turned into resentment and anger. i'm fucking pissed and annoyed with him. i fucking can't stand the thought of seeing him or talking to him i'm so fucking pissed. omg! i want to fucking punch him in his inverted chest! like, i have bad wishes for him and i have to stop myself from thinking that way only cause i know its not good. i'm so pissed though. his indifference is fucking rediculous for one. i can't even fucking get started. i almost hate him. if i didn't love him so much, i would easily fucking hate him. i don't want to talk to him though. lets be friends?? um, no thank you. i'm not going to say that though. it would hurt him if i told him that i didn't want anything to do with him. well, at least that's what he says. so, i'll just let him continue thinking that everything is peachy. although i don't owe him that. pussy ass bitch. samantha was like " bianca, i can finally say this... he's gay" lol! she's funny. well, i'm outie.