ana babble
My boyfriend's best friend told me last night that I look noticably thinner. We haven't seen him or his fiance (they're our good friends) in a few weeks, bc everyone's been in and out of town. So I love when I can go a while without seeing friends, bc the ones I see all the time don't really seem to notice my weight-loss as much bc they see me daily... like my bf last week when he was on vacay, he came back & was like whoa you look amazing. I kind of forgot what you looked like. You're so thin & sexy. I absolutely love getting these kind of responses. It is an obsession now, to evoke this response. I also think it's weird how when you see someone daily for a long long time and then you finally have time apart & they come back, you realize that you haven't really been "seeing" or looking at the person, you had just been so used to seeing them a certain way, that you just get used to it. They just become this object or picture that doesn't really change... only after being apart are you really able to look at the person and SEE them again. Does this make sense? I think that's why my bf finally noticed the change... although, it's been back in effect since April.
So... I have to go on a date again tonight, which always means eating out for dinner, which = GRRR :( for me because I always feel guilty if I don't get something good. But I have pretty much the whole rest of the weekend to work out, so I think I can counter the impact of a meal tonight with some serious workouts tomorrow & Sunday. BUT my bf wants to go to Brio, this incredible Italian restaurant.... agh-->Italian = death. seriously. Pasta = the fat life. I cannot remember the last time I had pasta. I might just kill myself, because I am so intensely afraid to eat pasta. I probably cannot even physically eat more than a couple of bites of it. It has got to be the worst food ever. But I'm really hoping we can go to this other restaurant I love, it's Greek & I LOVE love love hummus & this awesome greek salad that only has like 300 cals... so if I don't eat anything else today (other than my 3/4c. dry life cereal this morning) I won't feel bad if we can go there. Plus, hummus is one of the best inventions/concoctions ever-->30cals/serving. Helloooo! It's awesome.
Then Sunday, I have to go to the State Fair, so I might only eat my 3/4 c. life Saturday & nothing else, and then have a corndog at the fair, if I can even eat it. It's so weird how my entire life is defined by food and types of food and food items and I have memories of specific foods I ate and where I was and how I felt. Why do I remember going to the state fair last year and eating 1 corndog with mustard? Or when I was 8 years old eating corndogs in my back yard in the summer, and taking the corn/bread part off and eating it separately from the actual hotdog. Who really remembers this stuff?
Ana is suffocating me, taunting me, and I just can't be satisfied. I was satisfied last Sunday-->only coffee for like 3 days straight, and last week I lost 5-7 lbs. But now, I'm not losing. I'm stalled. I'm holding my breath and hoping not to suffocate completely. I don't need to breath, I just need to be thin. I know this part will pass again, and I'll start losing again, this is the way the human body works. I know this. But I still can't help feeling like I want to overcome what I know, transcend the truth of the human body and create what I want.
sorry--long post.
Hope you're all staying busy, distracted, and thin.
So... I have to go on a date again tonight, which always means eating out for dinner, which = GRRR :( for me because I always feel guilty if I don't get something good. But I have pretty much the whole rest of the weekend to work out, so I think I can counter the impact of a meal tonight with some serious workouts tomorrow & Sunday. BUT my bf wants to go to Brio, this incredible Italian restaurant.... agh-->Italian = death. seriously. Pasta = the fat life. I cannot remember the last time I had pasta. I might just kill myself, because I am so intensely afraid to eat pasta. I probably cannot even physically eat more than a couple of bites of it. It has got to be the worst food ever. But I'm really hoping we can go to this other restaurant I love, it's Greek & I LOVE love love hummus & this awesome greek salad that only has like 300 cals... so if I don't eat anything else today (other than my 3/4c. dry life cereal this morning) I won't feel bad if we can go there. Plus, hummus is one of the best inventions/concoctions ever-->30cals/serving. Helloooo! It's awesome.
Then Sunday, I have to go to the State Fair, so I might only eat my 3/4 c. life Saturday & nothing else, and then have a corndog at the fair, if I can even eat it. It's so weird how my entire life is defined by food and types of food and food items and I have memories of specific foods I ate and where I was and how I felt. Why do I remember going to the state fair last year and eating 1 corndog with mustard? Or when I was 8 years old eating corndogs in my back yard in the summer, and taking the corn/bread part off and eating it separately from the actual hotdog. Who really remembers this stuff?
Ana is suffocating me, taunting me, and I just can't be satisfied. I was satisfied last Sunday-->only coffee for like 3 days straight, and last week I lost 5-7 lbs. But now, I'm not losing. I'm stalled. I'm holding my breath and hoping not to suffocate completely. I don't need to breath, I just need to be thin. I know this part will pass again, and I'll start losing again, this is the way the human body works. I know this. But I still can't help feeling like I want to overcome what I know, transcend the truth of the human body and create what I want.
sorry--long post.
Hope you're all staying busy, distracted, and thin.