Why do I always seem to post when I'm unhappy?
That's right, here I am again using the LJ to soothe my tortured and empty soul once again. Long story short, I've been single for 10 days now. That's right, Mark dumped my dumb ass... again. I cannot even begin to tell you why he did it or what when down, because honestly... I have no fucking clue myself. It just ended. Simple as that. He loves me, but scared to take the risk, but scared he's making the worst decision in his life. Basically, he's an immature little boy who refuses to come to terms with the fact that eventually, he'll have to grow up and make concrete decisions about his life and deal with them. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I really want to scream right now.
It's amazing how I felt like I was dealing with this whole break up thing so well. I've been going through my days, my routine, I'm acquiring a whole new life and yet, at the funniest times, he'll be there, picking at my brain. Pick, pick pick... stab. Now is one of those stabbing moments.
You know, we never REALLY spent that much time together, what with the attending two different (and rival) schools, and we never we really able to hold up our end of the conversation on the phone, and he dealt with my problems really poorly... or not at all, come to think of it. I mean, I've come to the conclusion that he really isn't right for me and that there is (god, please) someone better and right for me still out there waiting for my gorgeous face to pop into his life. But the problem is... I can't stop wanting those little things Mark did provide - the person to turn to at any time, the person who 99% answered the phone when you called, the person who would give you that undivided attention, that you were the ONLY person in their life at the moment you needed them. I miss that. I miss being a necessity to someone. I miss being on the front burner. I miss someone missing me, thinking about me, wanting me. I miss his smile and his eyes. I miss the way he'd look at me like I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I miss meaning something to someone. I miss the phone calls at night, even if they only lasted a minute and a half. At least someone would know if I keeled over tonight... someone would care. And I know I'm being over dramatic and my brother and family would care and those few amazing friends I have, they'd figure it out eventually and they'd be sad, but just to have that routine, that person who always called at the same time every night... it's secure ya know?
Sometimes I just want to call Mark and scream at him... or cry... or ask him why?... why did you do this? how could you do this? After 6 years... 6 YEARS! You figure out I might not be the one? How does that happen? And sure I'm grateful it happened now and not during his mid-life crisis after marriage and kids... but why does this kind of thing happen at all? I was so comfortable and happy. I was happy with what we had. I was happy and secure and I had quit questioning and I had even started imagining, dreaming of the future. I've learned I can't do that with Mark. I knew I couldn't and I didn't until this year... the thoughts started creeping into my head. White dress, church, being together.... GOD! I'm not stupid! It's logical. People start thinking about that stuff when their in high school, but I was so good... I was soooo good about keeping it out of my thoughts and not talking about it with him because I know it's a big decision and we're so young... but 6 years? I mean, my brain had to get there eventually. But I was so ready. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to be with him. And now I'm alone. I'm alone in my one bedroom apartment surrounded by women who just got engaged or married or pregnant and I'm one of the singles. I wasted my time in college dating him. He has two and half more years to find someone else in college. It's not fair. I'm a good person and I deserve to be happy and here I am bleeding my heart out on a stupid online journal. My lord, does it get any better than this?
I don't know how to flirt or date or find people who are even SINGLE! Everyone is married! MAHHHHHHHHHHH! I hate being single. I want someone to love me.
I just feel... empty.
It's amazing how I felt like I was dealing with this whole break up thing so well. I've been going through my days, my routine, I'm acquiring a whole new life and yet, at the funniest times, he'll be there, picking at my brain. Pick, pick pick... stab. Now is one of those stabbing moments.
You know, we never REALLY spent that much time together, what with the attending two different (and rival) schools, and we never we really able to hold up our end of the conversation on the phone, and he dealt with my problems really poorly... or not at all, come to think of it. I mean, I've come to the conclusion that he really isn't right for me and that there is (god, please) someone better and right for me still out there waiting for my gorgeous face to pop into his life. But the problem is... I can't stop wanting those little things Mark did provide - the person to turn to at any time, the person who 99% answered the phone when you called, the person who would give you that undivided attention, that you were the ONLY person in their life at the moment you needed them. I miss that. I miss being a necessity to someone. I miss being on the front burner. I miss someone missing me, thinking about me, wanting me. I miss his smile and his eyes. I miss the way he'd look at me like I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I miss meaning something to someone. I miss the phone calls at night, even if they only lasted a minute and a half. At least someone would know if I keeled over tonight... someone would care. And I know I'm being over dramatic and my brother and family would care and those few amazing friends I have, they'd figure it out eventually and they'd be sad, but just to have that routine, that person who always called at the same time every night... it's secure ya know?
Sometimes I just want to call Mark and scream at him... or cry... or ask him why?... why did you do this? how could you do this? After 6 years... 6 YEARS! You figure out I might not be the one? How does that happen? And sure I'm grateful it happened now and not during his mid-life crisis after marriage and kids... but why does this kind of thing happen at all? I was so comfortable and happy. I was happy with what we had. I was happy and secure and I had quit questioning and I had even started imagining, dreaming of the future. I've learned I can't do that with Mark. I knew I couldn't and I didn't until this year... the thoughts started creeping into my head. White dress, church, being together.... GOD! I'm not stupid! It's logical. People start thinking about that stuff when their in high school, but I was so good... I was soooo good about keeping it out of my thoughts and not talking about it with him because I know it's a big decision and we're so young... but 6 years? I mean, my brain had to get there eventually. But I was so ready. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to be with him. And now I'm alone. I'm alone in my one bedroom apartment surrounded by women who just got engaged or married or pregnant and I'm one of the singles. I wasted my time in college dating him. He has two and half more years to find someone else in college. It's not fair. I'm a good person and I deserve to be happy and here I am bleeding my heart out on a stupid online journal. My lord, does it get any better than this?
I don't know how to flirt or date or find people who are even SINGLE! Everyone is married! MAHHHHHHHHHHH! I hate being single. I want someone to love me.
I just feel... empty.