(no subject)
i think i've messed things up in my life over the past few days. well not really messed up, just confused things. like i dont know whats going on with anything. maybe it would help if i could talk openly to someone and not be scared what they'll think, or how they'll react because i dont want fear getting in the way of what could be a good friendship. i just think it'll make things weird and i dont want that, but maybe it's weirder if i'm not open? i dunno. just adding to the confusion.
i'm just super down, listening to Radiohead... The Bends... making me more down. and there's one person i sorta want to talk to, but i dont know if thats possible. i wish things with that person could be as fine as i thought they were, but i guess they arent, and i never know how to handle things or what i can talk about with them. i dunno, with some people i can talk about anything, but with others i'm sorta scared, like i dont wanna say the wrong thing and upset them, or i dont want them to think i'm a disappointment or something. i hold back a lot and i know thats not good, but i do it anyways. honesty is the best policy right? yeah, its easy to say. i just feel that i have inadvertently messed with other people too, and i dont like feeling like i've fucked with other peoples emotions by mistake. (if you think this is about you, you're probly right)
with another situation, i've never been good with not being in control of whats going to happen in my life. something that i want so badly, but i have no control over whether i can have it or not. it's out of my hands at this point and all i can do is sit and wait and see what happens from here. i just dont like that. i want to have at least a bit of control, at least that i have a say in the situation, but all i can do is tell the truth and thats that.
wow, now that i wrote this i feel 100 times worse. listening to fake plastic trees on the brink of crying. what has happened? seriously, what is going on in my life? have i made a huge mistake? i just dont fucking know anymore, it really wears me out. i wish i could be who i wanted all the time. i dont feel like i am at this point. i wanna get through school, go home, and crawl into a hole for 3 months til i have to come back again. i feel like i'm losing people in my life that i dont wanna lose. important people to me that i care about, but i dont know how to handle it.
i'm just super down, listening to Radiohead... The Bends... making me more down. and there's one person i sorta want to talk to, but i dont know if thats possible. i wish things with that person could be as fine as i thought they were, but i guess they arent, and i never know how to handle things or what i can talk about with them. i dunno, with some people i can talk about anything, but with others i'm sorta scared, like i dont wanna say the wrong thing and upset them, or i dont want them to think i'm a disappointment or something. i hold back a lot and i know thats not good, but i do it anyways. honesty is the best policy right? yeah, its easy to say. i just feel that i have inadvertently messed with other people too, and i dont like feeling like i've fucked with other peoples emotions by mistake. (if you think this is about you, you're probly right)
with another situation, i've never been good with not being in control of whats going to happen in my life. something that i want so badly, but i have no control over whether i can have it or not. it's out of my hands at this point and all i can do is sit and wait and see what happens from here. i just dont like that. i want to have at least a bit of control, at least that i have a say in the situation, but all i can do is tell the truth and thats that.
wow, now that i wrote this i feel 100 times worse. listening to fake plastic trees on the brink of crying. what has happened? seriously, what is going on in my life? have i made a huge mistake? i just dont fucking know anymore, it really wears me out. i wish i could be who i wanted all the time. i dont feel like i am at this point. i wanna get through school, go home, and crawl into a hole for 3 months til i have to come back again. i feel like i'm losing people in my life that i dont wanna lose. important people to me that i care about, but i dont know how to handle it.