(no subject)
i feel like i havent really been myself lately. usually i'm a little weird and wacky or stupid, but i dont think i really have been lately, not to the extent that i used to be. is this me growing up?
i dont know if i like growing up. i want to stay young forever. there's just so much more drama (well lately) and just so many decisions that i feel i have to make about my life that i'm just not ready for. just everything going on among Tim and between other friends. first with Tim, it's just... i dont know... i dont know... it makes me so upset sometimes. not like angry upset, just upset. it's seems like one of those things sometimes where i have so much going on, that it just gets lumped together and i want to put it in a box and run far far away from it. i know it shouldnt be like that, and it isnt always, but i just cant help it. it's just too much to think about i guess. it's so complicated to me, like there isnt just one simple answer to getting back to where we were. and things are different for me than they are for him. we have different individual things going on in our lives that make us view and handle our situation differently i think. i dont know, that probly doesnt make sense, but i just cant really put into words how i feel about it all.
now the problems with my friends. well, Kellie doesnt want to hang out with Nate, Kellie isnt allowed over Nate's when Ian is home, Nate doesnt particularly want to hang out with Lisa any time soon, i dont want to hang out at Pat's ever again (for understandable reasons), Lisa has a drug problem that i dont really want to be around... it's just like holy shit! can i hang out with my friends together... ever again? just why is everything so dramatic? why can't people just get over shit or deal with people when there isnt really a huge problem? and of course this all seems to land on my shoulders because i AM getting along with all of them. and i hate it when i come home... Kellie wants to hang out, but so does Nate, and she cant hang out with him, or even if she wanted to, she couldnt go to Nate's if Ian was there. then Lisa wants to hang out, but lately they have been at Pat's, and i'm not going over there. and i dont think Nate wants her at his house an time soon, so we cant hang out together there. so who am i to hang out with? well thats all my decision! i have to choose between my friends, which i really cant fucking stand. but of course this is all going on as i'm beginning school, and things with Tim are whatever they are right now, so it's like fuck me.
that's basically the reason that i'm not going home this weekend, i cant deal with everything. i can only do so much for others before i have to worry about my own well being. i really havent been treating myself well and i need to change that. Tim wanted to go out to dinner this weekend, which would have been nice, but if i go home i know i cant avoid seeing everyone else, and i just need to be away from all them for a while (well, not Kellie, she's still cool). so, the weekend after i'm working, so i guess i have to deal with it again then.
and on to some way more upsetting news... i got my score today for the exemption test for Health and Wellness. a passing score resulting in exemption was 70 or higher... i got a 69. yeah, dont you feel my pain?
i dont know if i like growing up. i want to stay young forever. there's just so much more drama (well lately) and just so many decisions that i feel i have to make about my life that i'm just not ready for. just everything going on among Tim and between other friends. first with Tim, it's just... i dont know... i dont know... it makes me so upset sometimes. not like angry upset, just upset. it's seems like one of those things sometimes where i have so much going on, that it just gets lumped together and i want to put it in a box and run far far away from it. i know it shouldnt be like that, and it isnt always, but i just cant help it. it's just too much to think about i guess. it's so complicated to me, like there isnt just one simple answer to getting back to where we were. and things are different for me than they are for him. we have different individual things going on in our lives that make us view and handle our situation differently i think. i dont know, that probly doesnt make sense, but i just cant really put into words how i feel about it all.
now the problems with my friends. well, Kellie doesnt want to hang out with Nate, Kellie isnt allowed over Nate's when Ian is home, Nate doesnt particularly want to hang out with Lisa any time soon, i dont want to hang out at Pat's ever again (for understandable reasons), Lisa has a drug problem that i dont really want to be around... it's just like holy shit! can i hang out with my friends together... ever again? just why is everything so dramatic? why can't people just get over shit or deal with people when there isnt really a huge problem? and of course this all seems to land on my shoulders because i AM getting along with all of them. and i hate it when i come home... Kellie wants to hang out, but so does Nate, and she cant hang out with him, or even if she wanted to, she couldnt go to Nate's if Ian was there. then Lisa wants to hang out, but lately they have been at Pat's, and i'm not going over there. and i dont think Nate wants her at his house an time soon, so we cant hang out together there. so who am i to hang out with? well thats all my decision! i have to choose between my friends, which i really cant fucking stand. but of course this is all going on as i'm beginning school, and things with Tim are whatever they are right now, so it's like fuck me.
that's basically the reason that i'm not going home this weekend, i cant deal with everything. i can only do so much for others before i have to worry about my own well being. i really havent been treating myself well and i need to change that. Tim wanted to go out to dinner this weekend, which would have been nice, but if i go home i know i cant avoid seeing everyone else, and i just need to be away from all them for a while (well, not Kellie, she's still cool). so, the weekend after i'm working, so i guess i have to deal with it again then.
and on to some way more upsetting news... i got my score today for the exemption test for Health and Wellness. a passing score resulting in exemption was 70 or higher... i got a 69. yeah, dont you feel my pain?