brillantine
hello livejournal world!
i have been on this trip lately, this "___ years ago today, on livejournal" thing. because it is blowing my mind to no end that this year, just before my 28th (AGHGHGH EWW) birthday, my livejournal will be turning 12. if it were a person, it'd be very near having its own livejournal in which to whine.
what can i say, i'm nearly thirty and i'm feeling in need of some kind of retrospect, some reflection on my later-formative years.
On this day 10 years ago, i had a full saturday with an early start: AP practice tests, poor diet, and lots of gallivanting around the south bay with a mixed cast of characters.
i was 17, a senior in high school, and my biggest concerns were passing my AP tests, graduating, and making sure my boyfriend was not depressed. i updated several times a day. and it seems like i had a lot of friends, or rather, my acquaintances were just as fun as my close friends. i don't know. it had something to do with us all being in the same place in life.
that was a good time in our lives, where having no money didn't mean doing nothing. loitering at various places was the thing to do, and gas was cheap enough that $5 was not an insulting contribution to the carpool. i had energy to spare, to spread over everyone i met, to gain from everyone i met. and it wasn't just because i drank tall-boys of rockstar every weekend. in typical teenage fashion i had very little regard for my health and safety, and even less consideration for strangers' comfort. we were loud, colorful, and happy to be alive. i had that lust for life that i hoped would never go out, and that i have to re-ignite with more and more force as time goes by.
On this day nine years ago: i was 18, a freshman at Cal State Long Beach, on the verge of a nervous breakdown after being granted too many freedoms at once. i wanted a riot, but it had nothing to do with school. no one could legally tell me to go to school, so with my heart just not in it academically, i ditched class constantly. on top of that i was freshly licensed, gainfully employed with a disposable income, and i had just leased a factory-direct 2004 Honda Civic LX who would later be named Darksteel. i'd be a whirlwind of ridiculousness all over LA and OC in my new ride, with my new friends, and my rage- and angst-fueled desire to destroy my sadness with pure adventure.
see, on this day nine years ago, it had also been less than a week since i broke up with my high school sweetheart in one of the most disgustingly publicized breakup dramas i've seen in my life. on this day, i didn't realize that the breakup would affect dozens of people, shifting several social paradigms and causing rifts between friends that, in retrospect, were irreparable. as of March 29, 2004, the damage had yet to truly be done. the dust wouldn't settle for months and months to come.
and on this day nine years ago, i had no earthly idea that barely a week would pass before the first spark of ♥Cam's courtship, the most sensitive and ultimately the most fascinating dimension of the challenges unlocked in my eighteenth year.
i'll probably be popping in to do a few more of those, maybe not the same years all the time. i know there's some good shit hiding in 2002, just not in march; there's probably a fun stretch in 2005 when i worked at a comic shop with internet at the register. so for today, reflecting on march 2003 and 2004. good years to compare to each other as well as to where i am now.
a lot of stuff has been happening. i've been microblogging about it on le twits and l'instagramme (VERY RARELY FACEBOOK, IF EVER, FUCK FACEBOOK X100000). so in a sense i know what generally is going on my life, but unfortunately i have no public forum/archive for the ins-and-outs like i used to on this here LJ. a part of me is actually kind of worried that i'm going to forget, and i hate to forget. i think it's super important to acknowledge where i've been so i can maybe get a hold on where i'm headed.
the thing i feel most compelled to talk about here, though, is my recent (as in, today) decision to renew my Disneyland Annual Pass despite (a) making less money than i'm comfortable with and (b) not having anyone to go with, like, ever. my pass expires tomorrow, so i renewed it today after biting the bullet and going to disneyland alone, twice.
i rather like it. in fact, i fucking LOVE it. while there, i experienced a peace of mind, a liberation, that made me decide this would be cheaper for me than therapy and/or going to bars. and there's no pressure to do what everyone else wants to do; i can just take in the atmosphere and be a creep and overhear conversations all day. what a place to blow off steam! plus, the exercise of walking around all day, whew.
Disneyland Diet in effeeeeect.
sooo, anyone still out there?