venting *FUCKIN A*
i dont feel like venting twice so i'm going to copy paste. IF you dont like it then fuck off who gives a flying fuck what u care anyway!!!
So once again hell breaks loose in my life and spews its flaming shit at my life's window. Once again i have to find a way to worht through this and now i'm working through it alone which is even scarier. Bre and i broke up, OUCH! IT was mutual in a sense but done more for my benefit. Now we are on non-speaking terms, b/c neither of us can handle talking to the other without fighting and making rude comments. One of is immature while the other is angry and hurt or vice versa. So shit blows, i'm hurting but cant show it, instead i'm just pissed off. The only emotion i can show right now is anger and there is plenty of it. I'm angry at everything and myself. I've fucked up ONCE again which is no big suprise. I've lost a truly awsome friend, i hurt the best thing to ever happen to me, and i pushed her away. She's now pushing me away and by the time we both realie how bad things are and what we did we'll be at opposite ends of the life spectrum wondering where the hell the other person is. She was honestly my better half and i'm not the only one who realized this. Unfortunetly things have been shot to shit and well as the saying goes "no one dies a virigin, life screws us all"... i geuss that is the quote of the year b/c it is oh-so-rue! i fuckin hate how i hurt people. I even try warning them ahead of time. I'd like to say that i cant claim responsibility if i warned them but unfortunetly i still can, b/c i fuck it up.... i want to blame the other person and tell them its all their fualt, that they pushed me over the edge, that they fored me to do this, they smothered me, they asked me when they should have waited, that they were too good for me... but i cant say all this ... instead i sit and blame myself. Right now i'm so pissed tho i cant even do that, all i can do is ust sit here in my burning anger and wish that a knife would magically slice my wrists away to ribbons, till there was nothing left, that blood would just drain from my limbs, so i could feel myself go cold and rigid and eventually die. A wish for death is an easy way out,... a way to say i dont want to deal with what's been dealt to me, i want to say FUCK YOU to life and every person in it, even those that did nothing wrong. But i cant die, not yet, uz unless God strikes me down i cant force it to happen. I'm here until he takes me out. i have no choie in the matter. I'm too weak of a person to take my own life, i'm too weak, i'm a fucing failure. A Miserable worthless peice of shit and yet i cant bring myself to do it. Even my cutting is pathetic. I cant cut deep, i'm pathetic what can i say. Someone has to rip me apart for me to use that knife the way i really want to. And now i'm too tired which makes me sink even further into my misery. So for now i shall walk away from this damn machine and try to sleep, since i have to be up in less than 4 hours anyway. FUCK ME FUCK YOU! and FUCK this miserable life of mine!
So once again hell breaks loose in my life and spews its flaming shit at my life's window. Once again i have to find a way to worht through this and now i'm working through it alone which is even scarier. Bre and i broke up, OUCH! IT was mutual in a sense but done more for my benefit. Now we are on non-speaking terms, b/c neither of us can handle talking to the other without fighting and making rude comments. One of is immature while the other is angry and hurt or vice versa. So shit blows, i'm hurting but cant show it, instead i'm just pissed off. The only emotion i can show right now is anger and there is plenty of it. I'm angry at everything and myself. I've fucked up ONCE again which is no big suprise. I've lost a truly awsome friend, i hurt the best thing to ever happen to me, and i pushed her away. She's now pushing me away and by the time we both realie how bad things are and what we did we'll be at opposite ends of the life spectrum wondering where the hell the other person is. She was honestly my better half and i'm not the only one who realized this. Unfortunetly things have been shot to shit and well as the saying goes "no one dies a virigin, life screws us all"... i geuss that is the quote of the year b/c it is oh-so-rue! i fuckin hate how i hurt people. I even try warning them ahead of time. I'd like to say that i cant claim responsibility if i warned them but unfortunetly i still can, b/c i fuck it up.... i want to blame the other person and tell them its all their fualt, that they pushed me over the edge, that they fored me to do this, they smothered me, they asked me when they should have waited, that they were too good for me... but i cant say all this ... instead i sit and blame myself. Right now i'm so pissed tho i cant even do that, all i can do is ust sit here in my burning anger and wish that a knife would magically slice my wrists away to ribbons, till there was nothing left, that blood would just drain from my limbs, so i could feel myself go cold and rigid and eventually die. A wish for death is an easy way out,... a way to say i dont want to deal with what's been dealt to me, i want to say FUCK YOU to life and every person in it, even those that did nothing wrong. But i cant die, not yet, uz unless God strikes me down i cant force it to happen. I'm here until he takes me out. i have no choie in the matter. I'm too weak of a person to take my own life, i'm too weak, i'm a fucing failure. A Miserable worthless peice of shit and yet i cant bring myself to do it. Even my cutting is pathetic. I cant cut deep, i'm pathetic what can i say. Someone has to rip me apart for me to use that knife the way i really want to. And now i'm too tired which makes me sink even further into my misery. So for now i shall walk away from this damn machine and try to sleep, since i have to be up in less than 4 hours anyway. FUCK ME FUCK YOU! and FUCK this miserable life of mine!