FINE
i dont know how anyone can continue to care for me when all i am good for is fucking everything and anything up. I'm this horrible person that God should just trun is back on and walk away. MY mind is a constant battle. It fights my heart and every other part of my body. I think its slowly winning and my heart is feeling its effects. I want to take my heart and put it behind bars of iron and steel. Let a mad truck run it over and obliterate its feeling. Rip it to shreds let it bleed till its is some crusted thing lying there with no use, light it on fire and spread its ashes across the oceans, let it then drift apart so no feeling can connect to another, disperesed and to dissappear. I shouldnt be allowed to feel, it only gets me in trouble. The one person i found who i love with all of me i can no longer love with all of me. I do not have all of me. I've lost something along the way. A piece of me here and a piece of me there, i'm spread out all over the floor... i'm lost this sea of confusion consumes me... everywhere i look is this nothingness, i have no guide no life line, i'm on my own walking in my misery and there is no loving company for this blind fool who writes to soothe her pain but only to release it to others so it will once again come back to her ten fold. I'll never understand what you want me to be, and i'll never get there no knowing. I always want to compromise, but more likely i want you to do it for me. I'm too selfish and too stubborn. I realise the error of my ways but i dont want to fix it because it entails fixing myself and saying that i know what my problem is. The fact of the matter is that my problem is all me. THat i cant control my feelings or who they go to, toward or for. I like/ love everyone and people feel the same way back. I push away those that care too much and they try to latch on to me even harder. Those that want to know me need to turn away and those that dont want to know me have the right idea. I want to take a razor and run it against my skin. Watch the blood slowly seep through and feel it fall to the floor. Knowing my life is running its red river over this flesh and out of this body and coating the rest of this world. Why can one man die for everyone and still let them suffer as if it never happend? My insides are a war zone and if this shit doesnt end soon i'll have to cut it from my body. I cannot stop hurting her even if i want to. I cannot tell her the whole truth (her being me and you and the embodyment of all who care) i cannot bring myself to lie, i cannot tell myself ne thing b/c iw ant to deny it all. Whether something is good or bad i want to end it all. Just be done with all that has come my way. Why cant i be someone else, no me is all that matters. I'm done with this vicous circle and yet i want to go around again. I tell myself what i'm doing is wrong, its bad and i know it, i want to control it but why should ic are. I'm only having fun, just experiencing life, and fucking myself over in the meantime. She is only trying to look out for me, she only wants me safe. I dont want ot be in my life anymore, dont want to live in her head! her head is s unstable now, some storm has broken all ties to reality. THis default will not last long, but it might last for all eternity. an you handle the pain you dish out if it was given to you. You cant have your cake and eat it to, but i know you'll always try. Confusion is always there, a never sleeping friend, a guard to know that u dont know what is ever going on. You'l lose me soon and keep me forever, break this ties and u'l have shakles on ur ankles!
Poem #1: Jan. 23, 2005
I cant believe this happened
Why couldnt it be me?
why does this train always
blast away
making all its noise
and flying way too fast.
i'm tied to its tracks
and i cant move a muscle.
its coming for me
dont wanna die but
i'm not gonna move.
maybe this is the one that
will take me away
to some higher place
where i cant hurt her anymore
she's in pain and its all my fault.
if only i'd kept my promises
if only i was who she needed me to be.
if only i was that better person.
i'm waiting, waint for the anvil
to fall.
kill me now and take this pain away.
kill me now dont let me hurt them anymore.
i'm a wasted soul
wasted piece of flesh
wast of space.
no one should have met me.
i'm a lsot soul searching
for a way to make things right
when all i do is make them worse.
why do i even try?
i'm only making them worse.
kill me please
take me away from this place.
where is my train?
i heard it in the distance
but no sight of my on coming
whishful death.
no sweet sanctuary will there
be for me!
i'm here to making things right
but i'll only make them worse!
what is my problem
why cant i just be true?
why cant i keep my promises?
loser in her cage
she'll never leave me be.
haunted by my alter ego
i'm killing everone around me.
not a good friend. NO!
fuck you! fuck me!
this is not the way it should be!
Poem #1: Jan. 23, 2005
I cant believe this happened
Why couldnt it be me?
why does this train always
blast away
making all its noise
and flying way too fast.
i'm tied to its tracks
and i cant move a muscle.
its coming for me
dont wanna die but
i'm not gonna move.
maybe this is the one that
will take me away
to some higher place
where i cant hurt her anymore
she's in pain and its all my fault.
if only i'd kept my promises
if only i was who she needed me to be.
if only i was that better person.
i'm waiting, waint for the anvil
to fall.
kill me now and take this pain away.
kill me now dont let me hurt them anymore.
i'm a wasted soul
wasted piece of flesh
wast of space.
no one should have met me.
i'm a lsot soul searching
for a way to make things right
when all i do is make them worse.
why do i even try?
i'm only making them worse.
kill me please
take me away from this place.
where is my train?
i heard it in the distance
but no sight of my on coming
whishful death.
no sweet sanctuary will there
be for me!
i'm here to making things right
but i'll only make them worse!
what is my problem
why cant i just be true?
why cant i keep my promises?
loser in her cage
she'll never leave me be.
haunted by my alter ego
i'm killing everone around me.
not a good friend. NO!
fuck you! fuck me!
this is not the way it should be!