To Jonny
Dear Jonathan Derek,
What you told me last night was a shock. I’m not sure if the feelings you revealed was because you were “kind of” depressed or because you meant it. You said some stuff that really touched my heart I won’t lie. You showed a side of you that I never thought I would see. I will not hide the fact that I cried after you signed off. I cried for nearly an hour and I could not go to sleep. I just don’t understand it all. You made me sound like such a mysterious mirage of life, when I am nothing like that nor do I wish to be. You say that you were never happier than when you were with me but I want to know how you could hurt me.
I’ve never gotten a chance to say what I feel because you ignored me or signed off too soon so this is the chance that you must take a grasp on please. I did love you at one point, but as for the moment I think its best we aren’t together. I mean I was happier than I’d ever been when I was with you, but the break ups were horrid and the words all felt like lies. I guess when people told me about Sam and Martha I really didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want you to be another guy that breaks my heart, but you were. No words you say can change the facts that you cheated on me several times and never seemed to care. There are no words for you to apologize and say you regret it. But you were right about something; we could have gotten married. If you weren’t so wrapped up in having to try something new and not settling for a serious relationship we could have gone far.
There is no denying that we loved each other but I wanted something more serious than you and that was our biggest downfall. You said you wanted a serious relationship and you didn’t want me to date anyone else. But you could date someone else? That didn’t make sense to me. I think you only said you wanted a serious relationship to make me happy. I don’t really need someone TRYING to make me happy, I need someone who’s willing to do it naturally, someone who doesn’t have to try all the time to impress me. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I don’t need to be impressed because I know I’m not impressing so why wish for what I’m not.
Now you love Martha and that’s great, really. Don’t let her go Jonny. Hold onto true love and keep your eyes in your head. Don’t lose her like you lost me because after what you said last night I no longer question if you truly loved me. I can now see that you withheld all feelings in fears of getting hurt yourself. Let Martha know how you feel about her, maybe that will help you to stay with her and not feel like you’re messing up all the time. But what comes with sharing your feelings comes knowing the difference between what you feel and what you want. Do not use your feelings as a line to get laid but do use your feelings to make her and yourself feel more secure.
Thank you for all the good you have spoken to me and thank you for teaching me something. You taught me that no matter what there is always a reason for breaking up, and no matter what that reason you can’t help compare new relationships to the past. I compared you to Bill and that hurt you, and you probably compare Martha to me sometimes and that’s what’s messing with your head and my head. I have a chance with this real great guy Brian and I don’t want to mess it up by comparing him to you. I love you Jonathan Derek McClellan and I always will. Don’t forget it, but all I can ever be with you is friends if that. But one day we’ll witness one another’s wedding and think back to the things we use to say to each other and it could ruin your mind. Just remember to avoid looking back because when you look back you realize love that you never knew existed between you and the person you’re thinking of.
I love you babe, forever and always and my ear is always listening if you need to talk.
Love Your Mysterious Mirage,
Kitten
What you told me last night was a shock. I’m not sure if the feelings you revealed was because you were “kind of” depressed or because you meant it. You said some stuff that really touched my heart I won’t lie. You showed a side of you that I never thought I would see. I will not hide the fact that I cried after you signed off. I cried for nearly an hour and I could not go to sleep. I just don’t understand it all. You made me sound like such a mysterious mirage of life, when I am nothing like that nor do I wish to be. You say that you were never happier than when you were with me but I want to know how you could hurt me.
I’ve never gotten a chance to say what I feel because you ignored me or signed off too soon so this is the chance that you must take a grasp on please. I did love you at one point, but as for the moment I think its best we aren’t together. I mean I was happier than I’d ever been when I was with you, but the break ups were horrid and the words all felt like lies. I guess when people told me about Sam and Martha I really didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want you to be another guy that breaks my heart, but you were. No words you say can change the facts that you cheated on me several times and never seemed to care. There are no words for you to apologize and say you regret it. But you were right about something; we could have gotten married. If you weren’t so wrapped up in having to try something new and not settling for a serious relationship we could have gone far.
There is no denying that we loved each other but I wanted something more serious than you and that was our biggest downfall. You said you wanted a serious relationship and you didn’t want me to date anyone else. But you could date someone else? That didn’t make sense to me. I think you only said you wanted a serious relationship to make me happy. I don’t really need someone TRYING to make me happy, I need someone who’s willing to do it naturally, someone who doesn’t have to try all the time to impress me. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I don’t need to be impressed because I know I’m not impressing so why wish for what I’m not.
Now you love Martha and that’s great, really. Don’t let her go Jonny. Hold onto true love and keep your eyes in your head. Don’t lose her like you lost me because after what you said last night I no longer question if you truly loved me. I can now see that you withheld all feelings in fears of getting hurt yourself. Let Martha know how you feel about her, maybe that will help you to stay with her and not feel like you’re messing up all the time. But what comes with sharing your feelings comes knowing the difference between what you feel and what you want. Do not use your feelings as a line to get laid but do use your feelings to make her and yourself feel more secure.
Thank you for all the good you have spoken to me and thank you for teaching me something. You taught me that no matter what there is always a reason for breaking up, and no matter what that reason you can’t help compare new relationships to the past. I compared you to Bill and that hurt you, and you probably compare Martha to me sometimes and that’s what’s messing with your head and my head. I have a chance with this real great guy Brian and I don’t want to mess it up by comparing him to you. I love you Jonathan Derek McClellan and I always will. Don’t forget it, but all I can ever be with you is friends if that. But one day we’ll witness one another’s wedding and think back to the things we use to say to each other and it could ruin your mind. Just remember to avoid looking back because when you look back you realize love that you never knew existed between you and the person you’re thinking of.
I love you babe, forever and always and my ear is always listening if you need to talk.
Love Your Mysterious Mirage,
Kitten