Breakeven
I've been writing Adam-centric fanfic for a few weeks now. I've posted my stories in the glambert_fic community. I've decided to post my stories on my personal journal as well. I figured it would make it easier for my friends from the glambert_fic community to find all my stories.
So here's the first one. It's called Breakeven. It's is about Adam Lambert and Kris Allen. Kris has to come to terms with his sexuality. It's rated PG 13 for some language. Please enjoy.
Title: Breakeven
Author: pink_glitter_26 aka Faith Monroe
Rating: PG 13 for some language
Pairing: Adam/Kris or Kradam
Disclaimer: I don’t own Adam or Kris or any of the other characters in this story. This is a complete work of fiction.
Summary: Kris must come to terms with his sexuality.
Warnings: None other than the fact that there is some language in this story.
Author’s Notes: I hope you enjoy this story. I really enjoyed writing it even though it took me awhile to get it right. Thanks to everyone for the input on my other stories. When I joined this site, I had every intention of writing Adam/Tommy stories. However, this is my second Adam/Kris story and I must say that I enjoy writing them. I have some more story ideas and will post new ones as soon as I can.
“Adam, stop. We have to stop.” Kris suddenly declared as he pushed Adam away from him.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Adam inquired worriedly.
Kris just stared at Adam. He didn’t even know where to start. Everything was wrong. Before he had come to Adam’s hotel room, he had it all worked out in his head. He knew exactly what he was going to say to Adam to make him understand. Now, he knew that whatever he said would only hurt Adam.
It might have worked out better if Adam hadn’t grabbed him and pressed him against the wall the instant he walked in the room. Adam’s kisses had been burning. It had been weeks since they’d been alone together. Kris tried to resist, but he had never been able to resist Adam and that was what had gotten him into this whole mess.
Adam and Kris’ relationship had started out innocently enough when they met on American Idol. They were room mates and became the best of friends. Adam liked the fact that he could be himself completely around Kris and that didn’t scare him away. Kris liked that Adam was so confident. He wished that he could be like that. Anyway, for most of their time on Idol, it was all very harmless. Maybe sometimes they would hug longer than necessary or they might find excuses to touch each other, but it was never anything more than that.
When Adam kissed him the first time, Kris tried to fight it. He wasn’t gay. He was straight. He had a wife. None of that mattered when Adam’s lips were pressed against his though.
“I’m sorry…I just can’t…We can’t do this anymore.” Kris stammered as he moved out from between Adam and the wall.
“Do what? What are you talking about?” Adam quizzed reaching out to place his hands on Kris’ shoulders.
“Katy’s pregnant.” Kris blurted out.
“Katy’s…Katy’s pregnant? How is that even possible? I mean I know how that’s possible, but I thought that you hadn’t slept with her since we started…” Adam couldn’t even finish his sentence because he was so shocked and hurt.
“We weren’t sleeping with each other. I mean I’ve barely spoken to her in months. But last month, she came out to see me while I was on the road. I was going to tell her everything about you and me. I couldn’t tell her though. The words wouldn’t come. Instead, I just told her more lies and we ended up sleeping together. She called me yesterday to tell me that she was pregnant. She sounded so happy. How can I tell her now? How can I leave her now? She’s having my baby.” Kris rambled in an effort to make Adam comprehend.
Adam carefully sat down the bed. He felt like everything had just been pulled out from under him. He didn’t say anything. He couldn’t say anything. He just looked intently at the floor.
“Adam, I really am sorry. I should have told her a long time ago about us…Or I shouldn’t have let us get this far in the first place.” Kris spoke as he sat down beside Adam.
“No, you shouldn’t have let it go this far.” Adam whispered.
“Please, try to understand. She’s my wife. I made promises to her and now we’re having a baby. I can’t just walk away from her.” Kris pleaded with Adam.
“Of course, you can’t. Because you’re Kris Allen, the fucking poster boy for Christianity, family values, and morals…And I’m just some fag who seduced you…who forced you into something and I’m going to Hell for it.” Adam barked angrily.
“None of this is your fault. This is all on me. Maybe you seduced me, but I let it happen. You didn’t force me into anything. I was a very willing participant. I knew what I was getting into and I wanted it. I wanted you. I still want you. I love you, Adam, but…” Kris began.
“Not enough to leave your pregnant wife and come out of the closet.” Adam finished for him sadly.
“This is the hardest decision that I’ve ever had to make. I’m…”
“You need to leave.” Adam spoke softly. Kris didn’t move.
“Just get the hell out!” Adam screamed as the tears started falling.
“I’m sorry.” Kris apologized again as he grabbed his bag ad headed for the door.
“Please just go.” Adam begged as he sobbed.
“I love you.” Kris whispered as he exited the room.
When the door was shut, Adam lay down on the bed and cried. His heart was broken. No matter what Kris said, it was his fault. He had known better than to get involved with the straight married man. It was a disaster waiting to happen. He had tried to control his feelings. They were friends and he could playfully flirt with Kris and that was fine. Anything more was strictly forbidden. He had been doing really well with that until the night that they were announced as the final two contestants. After the results, they had celebrated. They had drunk too much. Before Adam had time to think too much about it, he had leaned over and kissed Kris. They had shared a few friendly pecks on the cheek before, but this was anything but friendly. This kiss was frenzied and passionate. Kris was stunned at first. He’d never kissed a guy before. He’d never wanted to until he met Adam. It took him a minute to respond to the kiss. When he did, he put all he had into it. As they made out, Kris kept telling himself that they were drunk and it was nothing. However, as the kiss intensified, and Kris found his hands sliding under Adam’s shirt, he admitted to himself that he had been fascinated by Adam since day one. Who wouldn’t be attracted to a man who oozed sex, magnetism, and confidence?
After that night, Adam and Kris became lovers. Once the show was over and Kris was crowned the American Idol, they were both very busy. However, they made time for each other as much as possible. Kris distanced himself from Katy because he hated telling untruths to her about everything. He detested feeling guilty about lying and cheating.
Adam and Kris were very careful not to get caught. They knew that it would ruin Kris’ livelihood if he were involved in a gay affair. Sometimes, Kris wanted to tell the whole world that he was Adam Lambert’s boyfriend. He didn’t care if it messed up his career. It meant nothing to him if he didn’t have Adam to share it with anyway. When he felt like that, Adam would always be the one to talk him out of it. He would convince him to wait until he was a more established artist and had officially left Katy. Adam didn’t want to tarnish his image either and being painted as the home wrecker would certainly do that. Kris constantly agreed with him.
Now that Adam really thought about it, maybe he had prevented Kris from coming out because somewhere inside he knew that it would never last. As much as Adam wanted to deny it, he had been nothing more than a dalliance on the dark side for Kris. That thought didn’t make his heart hurt any less. No matter what Kris had thought of him, Adam was crazy in love with him. He grabbed his Ipod and selected the playlist that Kris had created for him. He knew that it was only going to make him cry harder, but that’s what he needed right now.
The next day before the show, Adam met with the band to discuss the set list for the show. Typically, they performed the same songs for each concert. However, depending on the venue and Adam’s mood, they would sometimes switch it up. Tonight, Adam wanted to do a cover song as the encore. It wasn’t a song that they had played before, but luckily Monte and Tommy knew it well enough to fake their way through an acoustic version. No one asked Adam why he wanted to perform a song he had never done before and one that wasn’t exactly in his style of music. They could all tell that he was upset, so they left it alone. Adam was glad that they didn’t question him. He didn’t want to tell them what happened. He didn’t want to admit that he had heard the song on Kris’ playlist and then listened to it repeatedly for the next several hours until he could hear it even when it wasn’t playing.
Adam gave an amazing performance that night. He poured everything he had into each song trying to forget his heartache. The fast upbeat songs like Strut and Fever were easier to get through than the ones like Broken Open and Sleepwalker, but somehow he managed. The fans seemed none the wiser and were going wild like usual.
As soon as Adam and the band left the stage, the audience began to cheer for an encore. After a few minutes, Adam, Monte, and Tommy returned to the stage. The crowd applauded louder.
“Did everyone have a good time tonight?” Adam inquired as he took a seat on the stool set up for him and adjusted the mic stand. Screams sounded in response.
“Alright, well, I’m glad that you enjoyed yourselves…So anyway, it’s time for the encore. Usually, we do something upbeat, but tonight I wanna slow it down. We’re actually going to do a cover song tonight…a little acoustic version of the Script’s Breakeven. We’ve never done this song before, so we might totally fuck it up…But I….This song really spoke to me and I’d like to dedicate it to a friend of mine. He knows who he is and I’m sure that he’ll see this video when you all go home and upload your video clips to YouTube.” Adam explained trying to remain as upbeat as possible for the sake of the audience.
Adam took a deep breath. He turned to Monte and slightly nodded his head. Monte and Tommy began to play the song. Adam closed his eyes and took another deep breath.
“I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing…Just prayed to a God that I don’t believe in…’Cause I got time while he got freedom…’Cause when a heart breaks, it don’t break even…”Adam sang sweetly as he looked directly into the listeners. “His best days will be some of my worst…He’s with someone and he’s gonna put her first.” The crowd cheered at Adam’s changing of the words. “While I’m wide awake, he has no trouble sleeping…When a heart breaks, no it don’t break even…What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you…What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re okay…I’m falling to pieces…Falling to pieces…They say bad things happen for a reason…No wise words are gonna stop the bleeding…’Cause he’s moved on and I’m still grieving…And when a heart breaks, no it don’t break even, even no…What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you…And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and he’s ok…I’m just falling to pieces, yeah…I’m falling to pieces…Oh, you’ve got her heart and my heart and none of the pain…You took your suitcase and I took the blame…Now I’m tryin’ to make sense of what little remains…Oh, cause you left me with no love…with no love to my name…” A few tears were spilling down Adam’s face by this point. “I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing…Prayed to a God that I don’t believe in…I got time while he got freedom…’Cause when a heart breaks, it don’t break even…No it don’t break…No it don’t break even…What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you…And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up but he’s okay…I’m falling to pieces…I’m just falling to pieces.”
Adam hung his head as he ended the song. The crowd clapped and shouted. He smiled sullenly and looked up at the crowd. The few people that he could see in the front were also crying. He thanked the crowd and left the stage. He locked himself in the back of the bus and didn’t talk to anyone as they made their way to the next show.
Just as Adam had predicted, fans had uploaded their concert footage to YouTube. Not surprisingly most of the clips were from his performance of Break Even. Everyone at the show had felt that they had been a part of his life during that performance and they wanted to share it with others. Kris didn’t know anything about the video for several days. He knew that Adam was upset, so he had been avoiding any news of him. A week after the performance, Kris got an e-mail from Allison with a link to the video. Allison’s message simply stated that Kris should watch the video and that he was an asshole. Kris didn’t need Allison to tell him that. He knew that all on his own. He was miserable. Adam was depressed and he had caused all of it. As he watched the video, he began to cry. He swore that he could see Adam’s heart breaking right in front of him. He had never seen Adam in more pain and he hated himself for causing it.
At some point while he was watching the video for the second time and weeping, Katy had entered the room. She stood silently and watched as her husband cried for the man he loved. She had known for a long time that she was losing Kris to Adam.
“I lied. I was stupid and selfish and I lied.” Katy declared as she knelt next to Kris. She had a few tears running down her face as well.
Kris was shocked by her sudden outburst. He closed his laptop quickly and wiped at his eyes. Katy placed her head on his leg and sniveled.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it, but I just…I didn’t want to lose you.” Katy mumbled.
“Katy, what are you talking about? What did you lie about?” Kris questioned as he lifted her head off his leg and made her look at him.
“I’m not pregnant. I never was.” Katy sobbed.
“What?” Kris removed his hands from her face in shock.
“I’ve known for a long time that you were in love with Adam. I could see it on your face. I think that I might have known before you did. I just didn’t want to lose you, so when I came to see you on the road; I did everything I could to get you to sleep with me again. I thought that I’d get pregnant and that would make you stay with me. When I didn’t get pregnant, I lied because I knew otherwise you’d be gone and I couldn’t face that. It was so stupid…so selfish of me.” Katy bawled.
“How did we get so far from ourselves?” Kris whispered. He wasn’t really asking Katy. He was just thinking out loud.
Katy didn’t say anything else. She just started to cry harder. Kris couldn’t help himself. He began to shed tears again. Without thinking, he pulled Katy into an embrace. He knew that he should be mad at her, but he couldn’t be. She had lied. He had lied. There was blame enough to go around for everyone.
With Katy’s confession, it wasn’t hard for them to make the next decision. They were going to get a divorce. Kris still loved Katy, despite everything, so he made her one last promise. He told her that her secret was safe with him. He wouldn’t go public with the news that she had faked a pregnancy to keep him. Katy pledged that she wouldn’t play the part of the scorned wife when he made things right with Adam. She would be supportive of them like she should have been from the start. Make things right with Adam, Kris thought that was something he definitely wanted to do, but he had no idea how. He wanted to just call him up and tell him that he and Katy were over. He wanted to tell him that Katy was never pregnant. He wanted him back. However, he knew that if he just went crawling back to him now, they would fall back into the same routine of sneaking around. For some reason, Adam didn’t want to tarnish Kris’ reputation. Kris needed to make a bold move-a move worthy of Adam.
Adam got word of Kris’ divorce. He hoped to hear from him. He was still mad at him, but he would take him back in a heartbeat if he asked. He didn’t hear from Kris though. No phone call, no e-mail, no knock on the door. Adam was depressed because maybe Kris didn’t want him after all. He needed to call him, but his pride wouldn’t let him.
The divorce was final in no time. Neither Kris nor Katy fought over anything. They both just wanted it to be over, so they could move on with their lives. They remained friends because that’s all they had ever really been anyway.
Just after the divorce was final, Kris booked an appearance on the Ellen Degeneres show. He was going to promote his new single, but he had a surprise in store. He didn’t tell anyone about what he planned to do except Katy. He knew that the record label would go crazy and his publicist would try to talk him out of it. Katy encouraged him to finally be himself.
As Kris sat backstage waiting for his interview with Ellen, he got increasingly more nervous. He was about to make the biggest announcement of his life. It might even cost him his career and he didn’t even know if it would fix what was broken with Adam. Even though he was anxious, he knew that it was the right thing to do. Finally, Ellen announced his name. He put on his best smile and walked out. The audience cheered and he smiled brighter. He hugged Ellen and waved at the fans. He took a deep breath and sat down.
The first part of the interview was about what he was doing career wise. It made him feel at ease. It was easy to talk about music. When they took the first commercial break, Kris leaned over and told Ellen that in the second segment he had an announcement that he wanted to make. Ellen was wonderful. She didn’t even ask him what the announcement was.
“We’re back with Kris Allen…Now, Kris, during the break, you told me that you had a big announcement to make. So what is it?” Ellen asked.
“Well, it’s something that I’ve known for awhile now, but I didn’t have the courage to say it until now even though I should have told everyone a long time ago.” Kris paused and looked at Ellen, who was smiling at him like she already knew. He looked out into the audience and declared, “I’m gay.”
For a moment, it was completely silent. Kris cleared his throat and fidgeted in his seat. Suddenly, Ellen smiled and began to clap. The viewers joined her. Kris beamed and sighed in relief.
When the cheering died down, Ellen spoke, “You’re very brave, Kris. I’m glad that you felt like you could share that part of yourself with us here. I know how hard it is to come out, so I just want to say that I’m very proud of you.”
“Thank you…That really means a lot to me.” Kris replied as he grinned at her.
“Well, there’s about a million questions that I could ask you right now, but all I’m going to say is…Will you sing for us when we come back from the commercial break?” Ellen inquired with a smirk.
“Absolutely.” Kris stated enthusiastically.
When they went to commercial break, Ellen and Kris both stood up. She gave him a big hug which he returned. As they were hugging, she whispered to him again about how brave he was and how proud she was. She also offered to help him in any way she could because she knew what it was like to be in his shoes. He thanked her and mentally made a note to send her flowers when this was over.
“Here to perform a special song for us…Kris Allen!” Ellen shouted when the break was over.
The doors moved to reveal Kris sitting alone on a stool. He had his guitar. He cleared his throat.
“Before I sing this song, I just want to thank you all for being so supportive. I was supposed to do my new single, but the song I’m gonna do is one that I did when I was on American Idol. It’s one of my favorite songs and it has a lot of meaning for me. I want to dedicate it to someone very special to me. I messed things up with him pretty badly, but I hope that one day he can forgive me.” Kris explained to everyone before he started to play the song.
A few cheers came from the audience when they realized what song he was singing.
“I don’t know you but I want you all the more for that…Words fall through me and always fool me and I can’t react…And games that never amount to more than they’re meant will play themselves out…Take this sinking boat and point it home…We’ve still got time…Raise your hopeful voice…You have a choice…You’ve made it now…Falling slowly eyes that know me and I can’t go back…Moods that take me and erase me and I’m painted black…You have suffered enough and warred with yourself…It’s time that you won…Take this sinking boat and point it home…We’ve still got time…Raise your hopeful voice…You had the choice…You’ve made it now…Falling slowly…Sing your melody…I’ll sing along…” Kris sang his heart out. He hoped Adam saw it and knew that it was about him-that it had always been about him.
When Adam didn’t hear from Kris after news of his divorce broke, he gave up on him. Obviously, he didn’t want him anymore. He avoided all things Kris related. That is until the day after Kris’ appearance on the Ellen show aired. He received an e-mail from Allison. It contained a link to a clip of his interview and performance on the show. It simply read: “He wants to fix this. You want to fix it, so just fix it already.” Adam smiled at the thought of his “little sister”. She had a way of meddling, but she meant well and he loved her for that. He sighed and opened the link. He nearly choked on the water he was drinking when he heard Kris declare that he was gay. He had barely recovered when Kris explained the importance of the song and began to sing. Adam cried as he listened to Kris sing. He didn’t know how it was possible, but he loved him even more.
Just as the song was ending, Adam heard his doorbell ring. Quickly, he closed his laptop. Hr grabbed a tissue and wiped his eyes as he headed for the door. He was still in shock over what he had just seen that he opened the door without asking who it was or even looking out the window.
“Kris.” Adam breathed when he saw the man he loved standing before him. New tears started falling.
“Adam, please don’t cry.” Kris spoke as he marched into the house.
Adam allowed him to come in and shut the door behind him. Kris felt like he was about to cry. He didn’t know if Adam was happy to see him or still upset with him. They stood in silence for what seemed like an eternity.
“Maybe this was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come here. I’ll…I’ll just leave.” Kris stated dejectedly as he headed for the door.
“Don’t you dare.” Adam commanded as he grabbed Kris and pushed him into the wall.
In an instant, their lips were pressed together. Kris sighed into the kiss. He had been yearning for Adam’s kisses. He had been missing everything about Adam and now he knew that Adam had been longing for him as well. What had started out as an urgent kiss turned into a tender one. Kris tangled his fingers in Adam’s hair and groaned. Adam placed one hand on Kris’ hip and the other on his back to pull him closer.
“We should talk about everything.” Kris said when they finally broke the kiss several minutes later.
“Yeah, we probably should, but all I can think about right now is taking you upstairs and showing you just how much I missed you…how much I love you.” Adam told him as he nibbled along Kris’ jaw.
“I love you too, Adam. I love you so much and I was so stupid.” Kris spoke near tears.
“Shh…None of that matters right now. I promise we’ll talk about it all later, but right now let’s just go upstairs.” Adam whispered before gently kissing his forehead.
Kris closed his eyes and nodded his head in agreement. He allowed Adam to take his hand and lead him upstairs to the bedroom. He let Adam control the situation because he knew that he liked to have the power. Truthfully, Kris loved surrendering to him. He couldn’t imagine Adam as anything other than the dominant one in the relationship and that was fine with him. He liked being in Adam’s arms. He felt safe and protected and home there. He loved the feeling of Adam inside of him. It made him feel strong and weak at the same time. It made him love Adam more than he thought possible. As they made love, they both knew that everything was going to okay. They were in love. No matter what the world threw at them, they would get through it together.
So here's the first one. It's called Breakeven. It's is about Adam Lambert and Kris Allen. Kris has to come to terms with his sexuality. It's rated PG 13 for some language. Please enjoy.
Title: Breakeven
Author: pink_glitter_26 aka Faith Monroe
Rating: PG 13 for some language
Pairing: Adam/Kris or Kradam
Disclaimer: I don’t own Adam or Kris or any of the other characters in this story. This is a complete work of fiction.
Summary: Kris must come to terms with his sexuality.
Warnings: None other than the fact that there is some language in this story.
Author’s Notes: I hope you enjoy this story. I really enjoyed writing it even though it took me awhile to get it right. Thanks to everyone for the input on my other stories. When I joined this site, I had every intention of writing Adam/Tommy stories. However, this is my second Adam/Kris story and I must say that I enjoy writing them. I have some more story ideas and will post new ones as soon as I can.
“Adam, stop. We have to stop.” Kris suddenly declared as he pushed Adam away from him.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Adam inquired worriedly.
Kris just stared at Adam. He didn’t even know where to start. Everything was wrong. Before he had come to Adam’s hotel room, he had it all worked out in his head. He knew exactly what he was going to say to Adam to make him understand. Now, he knew that whatever he said would only hurt Adam.
It might have worked out better if Adam hadn’t grabbed him and pressed him against the wall the instant he walked in the room. Adam’s kisses had been burning. It had been weeks since they’d been alone together. Kris tried to resist, but he had never been able to resist Adam and that was what had gotten him into this whole mess.
Adam and Kris’ relationship had started out innocently enough when they met on American Idol. They were room mates and became the best of friends. Adam liked the fact that he could be himself completely around Kris and that didn’t scare him away. Kris liked that Adam was so confident. He wished that he could be like that. Anyway, for most of their time on Idol, it was all very harmless. Maybe sometimes they would hug longer than necessary or they might find excuses to touch each other, but it was never anything more than that.
When Adam kissed him the first time, Kris tried to fight it. He wasn’t gay. He was straight. He had a wife. None of that mattered when Adam’s lips were pressed against his though.
“I’m sorry…I just can’t…We can’t do this anymore.” Kris stammered as he moved out from between Adam and the wall.
“Do what? What are you talking about?” Adam quizzed reaching out to place his hands on Kris’ shoulders.
“Katy’s pregnant.” Kris blurted out.
“Katy’s…Katy’s pregnant? How is that even possible? I mean I know how that’s possible, but I thought that you hadn’t slept with her since we started…” Adam couldn’t even finish his sentence because he was so shocked and hurt.
“We weren’t sleeping with each other. I mean I’ve barely spoken to her in months. But last month, she came out to see me while I was on the road. I was going to tell her everything about you and me. I couldn’t tell her though. The words wouldn’t come. Instead, I just told her more lies and we ended up sleeping together. She called me yesterday to tell me that she was pregnant. She sounded so happy. How can I tell her now? How can I leave her now? She’s having my baby.” Kris rambled in an effort to make Adam comprehend.
Adam carefully sat down the bed. He felt like everything had just been pulled out from under him. He didn’t say anything. He couldn’t say anything. He just looked intently at the floor.
“Adam, I really am sorry. I should have told her a long time ago about us…Or I shouldn’t have let us get this far in the first place.” Kris spoke as he sat down beside Adam.
“No, you shouldn’t have let it go this far.” Adam whispered.
“Please, try to understand. She’s my wife. I made promises to her and now we’re having a baby. I can’t just walk away from her.” Kris pleaded with Adam.
“Of course, you can’t. Because you’re Kris Allen, the fucking poster boy for Christianity, family values, and morals…And I’m just some fag who seduced you…who forced you into something and I’m going to Hell for it.” Adam barked angrily.
“None of this is your fault. This is all on me. Maybe you seduced me, but I let it happen. You didn’t force me into anything. I was a very willing participant. I knew what I was getting into and I wanted it. I wanted you. I still want you. I love you, Adam, but…” Kris began.
“Not enough to leave your pregnant wife and come out of the closet.” Adam finished for him sadly.
“This is the hardest decision that I’ve ever had to make. I’m…”
“You need to leave.” Adam spoke softly. Kris didn’t move.
“Just get the hell out!” Adam screamed as the tears started falling.
“I’m sorry.” Kris apologized again as he grabbed his bag ad headed for the door.
“Please just go.” Adam begged as he sobbed.
“I love you.” Kris whispered as he exited the room.
When the door was shut, Adam lay down on the bed and cried. His heart was broken. No matter what Kris said, it was his fault. He had known better than to get involved with the straight married man. It was a disaster waiting to happen. He had tried to control his feelings. They were friends and he could playfully flirt with Kris and that was fine. Anything more was strictly forbidden. He had been doing really well with that until the night that they were announced as the final two contestants. After the results, they had celebrated. They had drunk too much. Before Adam had time to think too much about it, he had leaned over and kissed Kris. They had shared a few friendly pecks on the cheek before, but this was anything but friendly. This kiss was frenzied and passionate. Kris was stunned at first. He’d never kissed a guy before. He’d never wanted to until he met Adam. It took him a minute to respond to the kiss. When he did, he put all he had into it. As they made out, Kris kept telling himself that they were drunk and it was nothing. However, as the kiss intensified, and Kris found his hands sliding under Adam’s shirt, he admitted to himself that he had been fascinated by Adam since day one. Who wouldn’t be attracted to a man who oozed sex, magnetism, and confidence?
After that night, Adam and Kris became lovers. Once the show was over and Kris was crowned the American Idol, they were both very busy. However, they made time for each other as much as possible. Kris distanced himself from Katy because he hated telling untruths to her about everything. He detested feeling guilty about lying and cheating.
Adam and Kris were very careful not to get caught. They knew that it would ruin Kris’ livelihood if he were involved in a gay affair. Sometimes, Kris wanted to tell the whole world that he was Adam Lambert’s boyfriend. He didn’t care if it messed up his career. It meant nothing to him if he didn’t have Adam to share it with anyway. When he felt like that, Adam would always be the one to talk him out of it. He would convince him to wait until he was a more established artist and had officially left Katy. Adam didn’t want to tarnish his image either and being painted as the home wrecker would certainly do that. Kris constantly agreed with him.
Now that Adam really thought about it, maybe he had prevented Kris from coming out because somewhere inside he knew that it would never last. As much as Adam wanted to deny it, he had been nothing more than a dalliance on the dark side for Kris. That thought didn’t make his heart hurt any less. No matter what Kris had thought of him, Adam was crazy in love with him. He grabbed his Ipod and selected the playlist that Kris had created for him. He knew that it was only going to make him cry harder, but that’s what he needed right now.
The next day before the show, Adam met with the band to discuss the set list for the show. Typically, they performed the same songs for each concert. However, depending on the venue and Adam’s mood, they would sometimes switch it up. Tonight, Adam wanted to do a cover song as the encore. It wasn’t a song that they had played before, but luckily Monte and Tommy knew it well enough to fake their way through an acoustic version. No one asked Adam why he wanted to perform a song he had never done before and one that wasn’t exactly in his style of music. They could all tell that he was upset, so they left it alone. Adam was glad that they didn’t question him. He didn’t want to tell them what happened. He didn’t want to admit that he had heard the song on Kris’ playlist and then listened to it repeatedly for the next several hours until he could hear it even when it wasn’t playing.
Adam gave an amazing performance that night. He poured everything he had into each song trying to forget his heartache. The fast upbeat songs like Strut and Fever were easier to get through than the ones like Broken Open and Sleepwalker, but somehow he managed. The fans seemed none the wiser and were going wild like usual.
As soon as Adam and the band left the stage, the audience began to cheer for an encore. After a few minutes, Adam, Monte, and Tommy returned to the stage. The crowd applauded louder.
“Did everyone have a good time tonight?” Adam inquired as he took a seat on the stool set up for him and adjusted the mic stand. Screams sounded in response.
“Alright, well, I’m glad that you enjoyed yourselves…So anyway, it’s time for the encore. Usually, we do something upbeat, but tonight I wanna slow it down. We’re actually going to do a cover song tonight…a little acoustic version of the Script’s Breakeven. We’ve never done this song before, so we might totally fuck it up…But I….This song really spoke to me and I’d like to dedicate it to a friend of mine. He knows who he is and I’m sure that he’ll see this video when you all go home and upload your video clips to YouTube.” Adam explained trying to remain as upbeat as possible for the sake of the audience.
Adam took a deep breath. He turned to Monte and slightly nodded his head. Monte and Tommy began to play the song. Adam closed his eyes and took another deep breath.
“I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing…Just prayed to a God that I don’t believe in…’Cause I got time while he got freedom…’Cause when a heart breaks, it don’t break even…”Adam sang sweetly as he looked directly into the listeners. “His best days will be some of my worst…He’s with someone and he’s gonna put her first.” The crowd cheered at Adam’s changing of the words. “While I’m wide awake, he has no trouble sleeping…When a heart breaks, no it don’t break even…What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you…What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re okay…I’m falling to pieces…Falling to pieces…They say bad things happen for a reason…No wise words are gonna stop the bleeding…’Cause he’s moved on and I’m still grieving…And when a heart breaks, no it don’t break even, even no…What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you…And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and he’s ok…I’m just falling to pieces, yeah…I’m falling to pieces…Oh, you’ve got her heart and my heart and none of the pain…You took your suitcase and I took the blame…Now I’m tryin’ to make sense of what little remains…Oh, cause you left me with no love…with no love to my name…” A few tears were spilling down Adam’s face by this point. “I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing…Prayed to a God that I don’t believe in…I got time while he got freedom…’Cause when a heart breaks, it don’t break even…No it don’t break…No it don’t break even…What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you…And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up but he’s okay…I’m falling to pieces…I’m just falling to pieces.”
Adam hung his head as he ended the song. The crowd clapped and shouted. He smiled sullenly and looked up at the crowd. The few people that he could see in the front were also crying. He thanked the crowd and left the stage. He locked himself in the back of the bus and didn’t talk to anyone as they made their way to the next show.
Just as Adam had predicted, fans had uploaded their concert footage to YouTube. Not surprisingly most of the clips were from his performance of Break Even. Everyone at the show had felt that they had been a part of his life during that performance and they wanted to share it with others. Kris didn’t know anything about the video for several days. He knew that Adam was upset, so he had been avoiding any news of him. A week after the performance, Kris got an e-mail from Allison with a link to the video. Allison’s message simply stated that Kris should watch the video and that he was an asshole. Kris didn’t need Allison to tell him that. He knew that all on his own. He was miserable. Adam was depressed and he had caused all of it. As he watched the video, he began to cry. He swore that he could see Adam’s heart breaking right in front of him. He had never seen Adam in more pain and he hated himself for causing it.
At some point while he was watching the video for the second time and weeping, Katy had entered the room. She stood silently and watched as her husband cried for the man he loved. She had known for a long time that she was losing Kris to Adam.
“I lied. I was stupid and selfish and I lied.” Katy declared as she knelt next to Kris. She had a few tears running down her face as well.
Kris was shocked by her sudden outburst. He closed his laptop quickly and wiped at his eyes. Katy placed her head on his leg and sniveled.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it, but I just…I didn’t want to lose you.” Katy mumbled.
“Katy, what are you talking about? What did you lie about?” Kris questioned as he lifted her head off his leg and made her look at him.
“I’m not pregnant. I never was.” Katy sobbed.
“What?” Kris removed his hands from her face in shock.
“I’ve known for a long time that you were in love with Adam. I could see it on your face. I think that I might have known before you did. I just didn’t want to lose you, so when I came to see you on the road; I did everything I could to get you to sleep with me again. I thought that I’d get pregnant and that would make you stay with me. When I didn’t get pregnant, I lied because I knew otherwise you’d be gone and I couldn’t face that. It was so stupid…so selfish of me.” Katy bawled.
“How did we get so far from ourselves?” Kris whispered. He wasn’t really asking Katy. He was just thinking out loud.
Katy didn’t say anything else. She just started to cry harder. Kris couldn’t help himself. He began to shed tears again. Without thinking, he pulled Katy into an embrace. He knew that he should be mad at her, but he couldn’t be. She had lied. He had lied. There was blame enough to go around for everyone.
With Katy’s confession, it wasn’t hard for them to make the next decision. They were going to get a divorce. Kris still loved Katy, despite everything, so he made her one last promise. He told her that her secret was safe with him. He wouldn’t go public with the news that she had faked a pregnancy to keep him. Katy pledged that she wouldn’t play the part of the scorned wife when he made things right with Adam. She would be supportive of them like she should have been from the start. Make things right with Adam, Kris thought that was something he definitely wanted to do, but he had no idea how. He wanted to just call him up and tell him that he and Katy were over. He wanted to tell him that Katy was never pregnant. He wanted him back. However, he knew that if he just went crawling back to him now, they would fall back into the same routine of sneaking around. For some reason, Adam didn’t want to tarnish Kris’ reputation. Kris needed to make a bold move-a move worthy of Adam.
Adam got word of Kris’ divorce. He hoped to hear from him. He was still mad at him, but he would take him back in a heartbeat if he asked. He didn’t hear from Kris though. No phone call, no e-mail, no knock on the door. Adam was depressed because maybe Kris didn’t want him after all. He needed to call him, but his pride wouldn’t let him.
The divorce was final in no time. Neither Kris nor Katy fought over anything. They both just wanted it to be over, so they could move on with their lives. They remained friends because that’s all they had ever really been anyway.
Just after the divorce was final, Kris booked an appearance on the Ellen Degeneres show. He was going to promote his new single, but he had a surprise in store. He didn’t tell anyone about what he planned to do except Katy. He knew that the record label would go crazy and his publicist would try to talk him out of it. Katy encouraged him to finally be himself.
As Kris sat backstage waiting for his interview with Ellen, he got increasingly more nervous. He was about to make the biggest announcement of his life. It might even cost him his career and he didn’t even know if it would fix what was broken with Adam. Even though he was anxious, he knew that it was the right thing to do. Finally, Ellen announced his name. He put on his best smile and walked out. The audience cheered and he smiled brighter. He hugged Ellen and waved at the fans. He took a deep breath and sat down.
The first part of the interview was about what he was doing career wise. It made him feel at ease. It was easy to talk about music. When they took the first commercial break, Kris leaned over and told Ellen that in the second segment he had an announcement that he wanted to make. Ellen was wonderful. She didn’t even ask him what the announcement was.
“We’re back with Kris Allen…Now, Kris, during the break, you told me that you had a big announcement to make. So what is it?” Ellen asked.
“Well, it’s something that I’ve known for awhile now, but I didn’t have the courage to say it until now even though I should have told everyone a long time ago.” Kris paused and looked at Ellen, who was smiling at him like she already knew. He looked out into the audience and declared, “I’m gay.”
For a moment, it was completely silent. Kris cleared his throat and fidgeted in his seat. Suddenly, Ellen smiled and began to clap. The viewers joined her. Kris beamed and sighed in relief.
When the cheering died down, Ellen spoke, “You’re very brave, Kris. I’m glad that you felt like you could share that part of yourself with us here. I know how hard it is to come out, so I just want to say that I’m very proud of you.”
“Thank you…That really means a lot to me.” Kris replied as he grinned at her.
“Well, there’s about a million questions that I could ask you right now, but all I’m going to say is…Will you sing for us when we come back from the commercial break?” Ellen inquired with a smirk.
“Absolutely.” Kris stated enthusiastically.
When they went to commercial break, Ellen and Kris both stood up. She gave him a big hug which he returned. As they were hugging, she whispered to him again about how brave he was and how proud she was. She also offered to help him in any way she could because she knew what it was like to be in his shoes. He thanked her and mentally made a note to send her flowers when this was over.
“Here to perform a special song for us…Kris Allen!” Ellen shouted when the break was over.
The doors moved to reveal Kris sitting alone on a stool. He had his guitar. He cleared his throat.
“Before I sing this song, I just want to thank you all for being so supportive. I was supposed to do my new single, but the song I’m gonna do is one that I did when I was on American Idol. It’s one of my favorite songs and it has a lot of meaning for me. I want to dedicate it to someone very special to me. I messed things up with him pretty badly, but I hope that one day he can forgive me.” Kris explained to everyone before he started to play the song.
A few cheers came from the audience when they realized what song he was singing.
“I don’t know you but I want you all the more for that…Words fall through me and always fool me and I can’t react…And games that never amount to more than they’re meant will play themselves out…Take this sinking boat and point it home…We’ve still got time…Raise your hopeful voice…You have a choice…You’ve made it now…Falling slowly eyes that know me and I can’t go back…Moods that take me and erase me and I’m painted black…You have suffered enough and warred with yourself…It’s time that you won…Take this sinking boat and point it home…We’ve still got time…Raise your hopeful voice…You had the choice…You’ve made it now…Falling slowly…Sing your melody…I’ll sing along…” Kris sang his heart out. He hoped Adam saw it and knew that it was about him-that it had always been about him.
When Adam didn’t hear from Kris after news of his divorce broke, he gave up on him. Obviously, he didn’t want him anymore. He avoided all things Kris related. That is until the day after Kris’ appearance on the Ellen show aired. He received an e-mail from Allison. It contained a link to a clip of his interview and performance on the show. It simply read: “He wants to fix this. You want to fix it, so just fix it already.” Adam smiled at the thought of his “little sister”. She had a way of meddling, but she meant well and he loved her for that. He sighed and opened the link. He nearly choked on the water he was drinking when he heard Kris declare that he was gay. He had barely recovered when Kris explained the importance of the song and began to sing. Adam cried as he listened to Kris sing. He didn’t know how it was possible, but he loved him even more.
Just as the song was ending, Adam heard his doorbell ring. Quickly, he closed his laptop. Hr grabbed a tissue and wiped his eyes as he headed for the door. He was still in shock over what he had just seen that he opened the door without asking who it was or even looking out the window.
“Kris.” Adam breathed when he saw the man he loved standing before him. New tears started falling.
“Adam, please don’t cry.” Kris spoke as he marched into the house.
Adam allowed him to come in and shut the door behind him. Kris felt like he was about to cry. He didn’t know if Adam was happy to see him or still upset with him. They stood in silence for what seemed like an eternity.
“Maybe this was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come here. I’ll…I’ll just leave.” Kris stated dejectedly as he headed for the door.
“Don’t you dare.” Adam commanded as he grabbed Kris and pushed him into the wall.
In an instant, their lips were pressed together. Kris sighed into the kiss. He had been yearning for Adam’s kisses. He had been missing everything about Adam and now he knew that Adam had been longing for him as well. What had started out as an urgent kiss turned into a tender one. Kris tangled his fingers in Adam’s hair and groaned. Adam placed one hand on Kris’ hip and the other on his back to pull him closer.
“We should talk about everything.” Kris said when they finally broke the kiss several minutes later.
“Yeah, we probably should, but all I can think about right now is taking you upstairs and showing you just how much I missed you…how much I love you.” Adam told him as he nibbled along Kris’ jaw.
“I love you too, Adam. I love you so much and I was so stupid.” Kris spoke near tears.
“Shh…None of that matters right now. I promise we’ll talk about it all later, but right now let’s just go upstairs.” Adam whispered before gently kissing his forehead.
Kris closed his eyes and nodded his head in agreement. He allowed Adam to take his hand and lead him upstairs to the bedroom. He let Adam control the situation because he knew that he liked to have the power. Truthfully, Kris loved surrendering to him. He couldn’t imagine Adam as anything other than the dominant one in the relationship and that was fine with him. He liked being in Adam’s arms. He felt safe and protected and home there. He loved the feeling of Adam inside of him. It made him feel strong and weak at the same time. It made him love Adam more than he thought possible. As they made love, they both knew that everything was going to okay. They were in love. No matter what the world threw at them, they would get through it together.