aspirations, dreams... reality.
I have many goals and dreams in life. Even if they are ridiculous, far fetched and unlikley to happen, at least I have them. The worst when there isn't any to start with, or when you start lowering expectations like crazy because you don't want to be disappointed.
Okay i've no idea why I like to go ' you, you you' when I am obviously talking about myself most of the time. Probably i'm in self denial- not liking to admit that i'm the person that I am.
Anyway, I don't think that I am cynical and pessimistic by nature. I derived this from how I can absolutely not study for a test, and actually, sincerely think that I still have chances of passing, how I can not talk to someone for months and still expect us to be all okay when we meet, how I think I stand a chance at a scholarship when my results are terrible. Call it foolish hopes or being silly, wishing beyond realistic expectations.. At least I still have the capacity to hope. Hope is a virtue on its own, regardless of its consequence or the outcome.
However, time after time of being hurt, one just can't help but to clam up in a shell. Its better to think that the next day would suck, so no matter how the day turns out, you wouldn't be disappointed. It can only get better, never worse. Isn't such practicality better than placing our hopes on a pedestal, and crashing yet more heavily when we fall? If we didn't expect ourselves to suceed in the first place.. There wouldn't be room for failure. I fear failure, disappointment and loss most. Being cynical helps in that sense, to ensure those three would never be able to haunt us. Happiness when received becomes a bonus, and is doubled due to the surprise factor. Wouldn't it work out, to always think of the glass as half empty, then?
That I do not know. I've always pondered about that- pretty lame when time can be better spent elsewhere, I know- but i've never really been able to make up my mind which is better. For to be negative all the time, is to be feeling sorrow and desolation before it even comes. While preparing for the worse, our minds are instantly tuned to the feelings we expect to get should our dark projections really fufill itself. But then, after awhile, we become numb to these feelings. That is when we've turned into a true, sturdy pessimist. No dark thought or depressing emotion would be able to penetrate the thick husk of indifference and cynicism built around. We'll be safe and comfy in our own shadows, even if it meant we no longer had the glorious radiance of the sun to bask in.. What is so bad about that, really. I think its fine.
Yet at the end of day, I don't think i'm a cynic. I just like to be one. And I often suceed trying to be, because I am and would always be afraid of those three things most.
I'm comfortable with life at this moment. Nothing too great to celebrate, but also nothing lacking. Theres no studies to be fretting over, i've a stable job (three, actually), i've friends who I know I can trust and would be there for me, i've my basic necessitics and my four limbs to rely on, and most of all i've a safe and peaceful family. Not peaceful in the sense that I don't actually argue with my mum everyday over stupid things like not washing my cup, but that at least its functional and everything.
So before I complain about my life, I'll like to take time to appreciate what i've got. I need to constantly remind myself that disappointment, loss and failure is part and parcel of life, but it's a part that is behind me now. Of course I know that i'll meet with them again as I move on, when really good things begin to happen and I start hoping excessively again, but I want to believe that by then i'll be strong enough to deal with it. That I wouldn't crumble and cower, and I'll just retaliate and shout, ' In your face, bastards!' Okay fine, the last part was not entirely necessary.
Now that the appreciation part is done, I just wanna say... Work sucks. And I can't wait to boot out of HD, and probably USS again in a month or so. And to just scream at my tutees and call it a day. The only tuition I actually enjoy is the one at the center, where my lovely students actually enjoys my lessons. I can't wait to go to uni with the classgirls, and begin an entirely new life. Of course with uni, theres going to be more obstacles, more problems, more disappointment, failure, probably loss too. But there'll also be new experiences awaiting me, tempting me. For that, i'll risk it.
Five more months, and i'll be ready for university. Then another four more years, and i'll be ready for the workforce.
Life is all about moving on.
Okay i've no idea why I like to go ' you, you you' when I am obviously talking about myself most of the time. Probably i'm in self denial- not liking to admit that i'm the person that I am.
Anyway, I don't think that I am cynical and pessimistic by nature. I derived this from how I can absolutely not study for a test, and actually, sincerely think that I still have chances of passing, how I can not talk to someone for months and still expect us to be all okay when we meet, how I think I stand a chance at a scholarship when my results are terrible. Call it foolish hopes or being silly, wishing beyond realistic expectations.. At least I still have the capacity to hope. Hope is a virtue on its own, regardless of its consequence or the outcome.
However, time after time of being hurt, one just can't help but to clam up in a shell. Its better to think that the next day would suck, so no matter how the day turns out, you wouldn't be disappointed. It can only get better, never worse. Isn't such practicality better than placing our hopes on a pedestal, and crashing yet more heavily when we fall? If we didn't expect ourselves to suceed in the first place.. There wouldn't be room for failure. I fear failure, disappointment and loss most. Being cynical helps in that sense, to ensure those three would never be able to haunt us. Happiness when received becomes a bonus, and is doubled due to the surprise factor. Wouldn't it work out, to always think of the glass as half empty, then?
That I do not know. I've always pondered about that- pretty lame when time can be better spent elsewhere, I know- but i've never really been able to make up my mind which is better. For to be negative all the time, is to be feeling sorrow and desolation before it even comes. While preparing for the worse, our minds are instantly tuned to the feelings we expect to get should our dark projections really fufill itself. But then, after awhile, we become numb to these feelings. That is when we've turned into a true, sturdy pessimist. No dark thought or depressing emotion would be able to penetrate the thick husk of indifference and cynicism built around. We'll be safe and comfy in our own shadows, even if it meant we no longer had the glorious radiance of the sun to bask in.. What is so bad about that, really. I think its fine.
Yet at the end of day, I don't think i'm a cynic. I just like to be one. And I often suceed trying to be, because I am and would always be afraid of those three things most.
I'm comfortable with life at this moment. Nothing too great to celebrate, but also nothing lacking. Theres no studies to be fretting over, i've a stable job (three, actually), i've friends who I know I can trust and would be there for me, i've my basic necessitics and my four limbs to rely on, and most of all i've a safe and peaceful family. Not peaceful in the sense that I don't actually argue with my mum everyday over stupid things like not washing my cup, but that at least its functional and everything.
So before I complain about my life, I'll like to take time to appreciate what i've got. I need to constantly remind myself that disappointment, loss and failure is part and parcel of life, but it's a part that is behind me now. Of course I know that i'll meet with them again as I move on, when really good things begin to happen and I start hoping excessively again, but I want to believe that by then i'll be strong enough to deal with it. That I wouldn't crumble and cower, and I'll just retaliate and shout, ' In your face, bastards!' Okay fine, the last part was not entirely necessary.
Now that the appreciation part is done, I just wanna say... Work sucks. And I can't wait to boot out of HD, and probably USS again in a month or so. And to just scream at my tutees and call it a day. The only tuition I actually enjoy is the one at the center, where my lovely students actually enjoys my lessons. I can't wait to go to uni with the classgirls, and begin an entirely new life. Of course with uni, theres going to be more obstacles, more problems, more disappointment, failure, probably loss too. But there'll also be new experiences awaiting me, tempting me. For that, i'll risk it.
Five more months, and i'll be ready for university. Then another four more years, and i'll be ready for the workforce.
Life is all about moving on.