25 years in...
Tonight I went for a long walk on the beach and did a bit of thinking.
A few months ago I turned 25. That means I've been around for quarter of a century. In just the last 10 years alone, I've been through a lot. For many years I suffered from depression, at times so bad that I tried to take my own life. I've also experienced painful loneliness, feeling that I didn't have a single friend in the world. Over the course of a few years, depression and loneliness were compounded by alcohol abuse.
When I was 18, I was involved in a car accident and I very nearly lost my life. The doctor told me that if it had been 15mins later till they were able to open me up, I would have died from blood loss. I lost almost 3 litres of blood.
When I was in my early 20s, I watched my mum die a slow and very painful death from cancer. And in April this year, I began my own battle with that same illness. Since then I've had pretty major surgery, and I'm three quarters of the way through a course of chemotherapy.
I'm not writing about these things to complain. I feel as though I do far more than my fair share of complaining about various things, and its probably my least favourite thing about myself. Sure I whinge a little bit to my flatmate when chemo makes me feel nauseous, but I do try not to complain about my circumstances.
Rather, the reason I'm writing these things is to reflect on God's faithfulness to me. I have no idea how I could possibly have come through all of these things if it weren't for God's love, strength and mercy. I've seen a lot of friends come and go, and often not be replaced. Consequently I still feel lonely often. But God has never left me. He's never stopped loving me. He's never even considered not being my friend. So many times I've made it clear by my words, my thoughts and my actions that I didn't want him around, but still he wrapped me up in his mighty hands and never let me fall.
One thing I have learnt is that God never allows us to be burdened with more than we can handle at any one time. If I had had to battle cancer at the same time as depression and alcohol abuse, I would never be able to cope. But God brings us through difficulties to strengthen our faith and to demonstrate his love, not to exercise some sadistic streak.
And its not all bad news. Through God's strength I've achieved some amazing things. They may not rank in the highest bracket of human achievement, but to me, knowing the other things that were going on in my life at the time, they are an incredible reminder how strong God is, coz I know that in my own strength I could never have done them. Finishing the HSC is one. During year 12 I suffered terrible insomnia and depression, so to finish my exams was pretty amazing. Also to finish my uni degree with such good marks over several turbulent years was another of God's great gifts.
As I look at the future, things aren't all rosy. To be honest, I'm scared. No-one can say whether or not my body will be cancer-free. And I find it the most seemingly insurmountable challenge to make and keep friends that will help me keep focusing on God. Often I miss old friends, but I guess God has something different for me now.
Regardless, I look at the amazing blessings God has lavished on me- like the ability to walk 10mins down the street for a late-night stroll on a glorious beach- and I know that whatever is around the corner, God knows about it and will be right beside me as I face it.
"Sometimes the thorn in my side hurts so much that I run and hide and fake it that I can make it through today... But then you speak so quiet to me, with truth abounding in mystery, you say "My grace is more than enough for you, my power made perfect in your darkest hour...""
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
A few months ago I turned 25. That means I've been around for quarter of a century. In just the last 10 years alone, I've been through a lot. For many years I suffered from depression, at times so bad that I tried to take my own life. I've also experienced painful loneliness, feeling that I didn't have a single friend in the world. Over the course of a few years, depression and loneliness were compounded by alcohol abuse.
When I was 18, I was involved in a car accident and I very nearly lost my life. The doctor told me that if it had been 15mins later till they were able to open me up, I would have died from blood loss. I lost almost 3 litres of blood.
When I was in my early 20s, I watched my mum die a slow and very painful death from cancer. And in April this year, I began my own battle with that same illness. Since then I've had pretty major surgery, and I'm three quarters of the way through a course of chemotherapy.
I'm not writing about these things to complain. I feel as though I do far more than my fair share of complaining about various things, and its probably my least favourite thing about myself. Sure I whinge a little bit to my flatmate when chemo makes me feel nauseous, but I do try not to complain about my circumstances.
Rather, the reason I'm writing these things is to reflect on God's faithfulness to me. I have no idea how I could possibly have come through all of these things if it weren't for God's love, strength and mercy. I've seen a lot of friends come and go, and often not be replaced. Consequently I still feel lonely often. But God has never left me. He's never stopped loving me. He's never even considered not being my friend. So many times I've made it clear by my words, my thoughts and my actions that I didn't want him around, but still he wrapped me up in his mighty hands and never let me fall.
One thing I have learnt is that God never allows us to be burdened with more than we can handle at any one time. If I had had to battle cancer at the same time as depression and alcohol abuse, I would never be able to cope. But God brings us through difficulties to strengthen our faith and to demonstrate his love, not to exercise some sadistic streak.
And its not all bad news. Through God's strength I've achieved some amazing things. They may not rank in the highest bracket of human achievement, but to me, knowing the other things that were going on in my life at the time, they are an incredible reminder how strong God is, coz I know that in my own strength I could never have done them. Finishing the HSC is one. During year 12 I suffered terrible insomnia and depression, so to finish my exams was pretty amazing. Also to finish my uni degree with such good marks over several turbulent years was another of God's great gifts.
As I look at the future, things aren't all rosy. To be honest, I'm scared. No-one can say whether or not my body will be cancer-free. And I find it the most seemingly insurmountable challenge to make and keep friends that will help me keep focusing on God. Often I miss old friends, but I guess God has something different for me now.
Regardless, I look at the amazing blessings God has lavished on me- like the ability to walk 10mins down the street for a late-night stroll on a glorious beach- and I know that whatever is around the corner, God knows about it and will be right beside me as I face it.
"Sometimes the thorn in my side hurts so much that I run and hide and fake it that I can make it through today... But then you speak so quiet to me, with truth abounding in mystery, you say "My grace is more than enough for you, my power made perfect in your darkest hour...""
Posted via m.livejournal.com.