Multichapter: He knew (chapters 5 - 8)
Title: He knew
Pairing: Ryoda, Maruda
Chapter: 5 - 8
Rating: PG - 13
Summary: Ryo mocked Ueda all the time, but time has passed. Ueda got stronger and is in a relationship now. Ryo might not be able to mend what he has broken in the past.
No beta
A/N: I´ve been using a Ryoda time-line made by gothicauthor a lot when writing this story, and she deserves a mention and a thank you!
Note the date, there is quite a time gap between chapter 4 and 5.
Chapter 5, originally posted on 29/04/2009
This chapter switches between past and present and does so in a messy manner, thus the use of color. Dark blue takes you back in time, automatic is your typical linear time flow.
Summer 2008
“Tat-chan, wake up! Ueda Tatsuya, I want you to get out of your dreamland right now!”
“Hmmm….”
“Do you know what time it is? Tatsuya!!!! Look at me! It´s noon!!!”
“Soooo …”
“So, we were supposed to meet 2 hours ago! You stood me up! You didn´t even get up from your bed. How could you?!”
“Oh, it´s noon already,” Ueda was finally reacting a bit. He opened his eyes slightly and recognized his boyfriend standing over his bed, furious, fire in his eyes.
“How could you do that? You are so lucky I decided to check this apartment before alarming police and any other force unit of this country and before I announced to the world that idol Ueda Tatsuya was kidnapped or killed by some raging fan girl clan!!!”
“The only person raging here is you, Yuichi. I am happy you checked, that is what the key in your hand is for, but maybe you could have called first,” Ueda still didn´t manage to open his eyes properly.
“I did, like a thousand of times. I think your battery died eventually because it couldn´t take so many missed calls.”
“Oh, I guess I didn´t hear then. I am sorry Yuichi, but how about change in our plans? Why don´t you join me?”
“And is this the reason why you gave me the key to your apartment? So you can stand me up and sleep till noon instead?” Maru didn´t really register Ueda´s last sentence until he gave him his piece of mind.
“I am really sorry. I can´t sleep lately, so I was up all night and fell asleep only after the sunrise. But if you don´t want to join me, I will get up,” And Ueda made an effort to open his eyes again and maybe even to move.
Only now Nakamaru realized that his boyfriend wanted him to get in bed, and he looked at the sleeping man properly, eyes examining Ueda´s pale face, black shadows under his eyes and sleepy expression.
“No, stay where you are,” he said defeated, “Just lend me a pair of sweatpants.”
“The left bottom drawer,” Ueda smiled and shut his eyes again, “Thank you, Yuichi.”
Nakamaru put the sweatpants on and took his shirt off, leaving the undershirt on, and he climbed next to Ueda.
“Don´t even think you are forgiven, or that just because you call me Yuichi like that I will let it go. I will punish you later, when you will be fully conscious. Until then, I will try to process the decadency of going to bed at noon.”
Ueda turned around so he was facing Nakamaru. He smiled from his half sleep, knowing Maru cannot really be mean to him, and his punishment is going to be just another fun outing of theirs. He felt a bit guilty, using Maru´s good nature and kindness against him, but he really needed some rest. He swung one of his arms around Maru´s waist and murmured another thank you before trailing off definitely.
Nakamaru, on the other hand, stayed wide awake, thoughts running through his head. He was so happy that Ueda gave him keys to his apartment, but this really wasn´t how he wanted to use them. He knew Ueda didn’t mean what he just said, but still …
If this was Nishikido Ryo and not me, I bet Ueda would get up and go to that date.
If this was Nishikido Ryo, he would get up immediately after he realized what had happened.
And if this was Nishikido Ryo, he would probably make love to him right now, and not let him sleep like a baby.
But he was not Nishikido Ryo, as he reminded himself. And he knew he shouldn´t be thinking like this. From the moment they got together, thanks to Ueda - he reminded himself, the other man never compared them, never mentioned him, and he was so loving towards Maru that he shouldn´t have these thoughts. But lately, no matter what Maru did, thoughts of Nishikido Ryo were lurking around him. Or rather it was Nishikido Ryo himself who was lurking around Tat-chan, and Maru didn´t like it at all.
*
When Ueda and Maru started to date, no one really knew. They were close friends before, and they didn´t display their affection in front of their band mates at the beginning since they were not sure about how they would continue. It was Jin who realized they were dating.
“So Tat-chan, Maru, you two are together. That is definitely something worth knowing,” he just stated matter of fact-ly about a week after he came back.
“How did you know?” Ueda blushed and, seeing this, Maru blushed too.
“Oh well, I can read the atmosphere, you know. But I must say it is quite surprising. In my twisted mind, I always imagined that Ueda will get it on with Ryo sooner or later.”
“Excuse me?” Ueda was red as a stop sign now.
“Well, you are the only one that Ryo-chan teased so much. It was way too excessive and, knowing him, I thought that maybe it is because he liked you. He can be like a small boy sometimes. And you reacted way too much to all those things. I never thought you are that weak, and no one could ever get you off the track as much as him. So I thought maybe you have a thing for him, and that is why he affects you so much,” Jin was using all of his body to explain, waving his hands frantically.
“You sure have a lot to say for someone who should be kneeling in the corner repenting for his sins,” Maru said, seeing Ueda was speechless.
“Well, obviously I was wrong. Ryo - chan stopped teasing Tat-chan, and you two are a cute couple, so you don´t have to burn those holes into me Maru,” Jin smiled stupidly and stormed off.
Nakamaru and Ueda just stood there, not knowing what to think. Was Jin really that sensitive, or did god granted him these moments of enlightenment sometimes to compensate for his silliness?
*
Ueda tried to make up for standing Maru up as much as possible in the next few days, but Maru had forgiven him long ago. He was too soft, and he knew it. But Ueda looked so happy when he woke up late that afternoon, and he was so into planning their next few dates that anyone else would forgive him as well. If only Ryo wouldn´t be sitting next to his boyfriend in their dressing room right now.
“Are you gonna sing Ai no Hanna in your solo concert too?”
“What? Why do you care?”
“I just wanted to know,” Ryo was looking at him and sounded so careless.
“Besides, why would you ask about that one?” Ueda tensed visibly, thinking Ryo recognized it to be one of the songs from the black notebook. He really hoped that Ryo had forgotten all about it. So why the sudden question?
“That song is just so sad. Shouldn´t you be singing happy lovey-dovey songs right now? I mean, you are dating Nakamaru, and you go to lavender fields and stuff. Does this mean you are not happy?”
“Don´t you think, you are prying? I mean we are not close enough, actually not close at all, to discuss something like this. Besides if you judge person´s feelings and their state by the songs they create this much then you are someone who can´t even tell his loved one how you feel.”
Ueda had no idea that he was right on the spot. He didn´t notice that Ryo turned his eyes away and that he blushed. The younger man decided he doesn´t need to know anymore.
“Ok, if you don´t want to tell me, that´s fine. It just doesn´t fit your current smile, that is all I thought.”
“Well, if you must know, it was composed in the past, but I wanted to sing it because I think it is good,” Ueda said finally, deciding this should be enough for Ryo to drop the subject.
“Ryo, let´s go, our lunch break is over!” Pi called his friend. Originally they both came to say hello to Jin. How Ryo ended up talking to Ueda was a mystery.
“Ryo-chan, did you really came to see me?” Jin whined “You seem more eager to talk to Tat-chan here.”
“Well, he is just more interesting of a talker, I guess,” Ryo waved him off and left after Pi.
Ueda just followed his back, until he left. It was still a little bizarre to talk to him like this.After the turbulences of 2006 and Ueda´s final outburst, they didn´t meet and talk for some time. It was as if Ryo really complied with his wish of not wanting to see him. Ueda was glad about it, it was a period during which he and Maru got together, and by the time Ryo showed his face, he was ready to face him. He had Maru, and he was happy and contented. He wouldn´t be bothered by his insults again.
Ryo did come back - along with Jin. Happy to see his friend back, or so Ueda thought, he would stop by their dressing room to chat and to chill with him. What was surprising was that he didn´t insult Ueda anymore. At first, they would only greet each other as complete strangers, and after some time, they would even exchange “how are you”, and they ended up having these random conversations.
It was funny, but time to time, Ueda got this weird vibe off Ryo. Not to mention he caught Ryo looking at him lately, with those deep black eyes that used to swallow him in the past. He was successfully ignoring them though, hoping they would go away and that Maru didn´t notice. He didn´t want him to be insecure. He still remembered their last conversation about him, and he didn´t like how concerned Maru was:
“You and Ryo are getting along quite nicely lately,” Maru said, sitting on Ueda´s balcony, Ueda´s head in his lap.
“Why do you choose to talk about him in a moment like this?” Ueda whined, hoping Maru would just let it go.
“Sorry, I just realized you two talk and even laugh together now. You came a long way.”
“We grew, that is all.”
“You are not worried anymore about him knowing that you loved him?”
“Loved?” Ueda teased but regretted it when he saw Maru´s look.
“Oh, come on, I am just joking here. I have you now, I don´t need him anymore. And I really think we matured, or rather he did, and if he didn´t tell anyone back then, he won´t now. Besides, what good would it do now to bring it up? He might have even forgotten.”
“Do you think it is so easy to forget that you are loved?”
“Well, he certainly acts like nothing had happened. He doesn´t seem like he hates me anymore.”
“Tatsuya, what if, just maybe, but what if he doesn´t know? What if he didn´t know back then? What if he didn´t find out, somehow?”
“What do you mean?” Ueda was surprised.
“He returned that notebook right away and, well, I have been thinking, and his behavior didn´t really change after that incident. It keeps bugging me that maybe he didn´t read those songs or any songs, that maybe he doesn´t know you loved him.”
“I don´ t think so. He wanted that black notebook so much. He had no reason to stop and return it without reading it.”
“But if that was the case, what would happen to us? I mean, you took his actions as rejection, but what if it was just him being childish, and now he matured as you said?”
“Yuichi, get a grip!” Ueda was getting tired of this discussion, “That black notebook was just a small part of the whole problem. He teased me, mocked me, belittled me, made me feel small and useless all the time. He said he hated me repeatedly, and he never said sorry. Even if he didn’t know, these things still happened, and loving him meant feeling lost and hopeless. I have you, and there are no ifs, no regrets, so stop it.”
Maru looked down at him, Ueda´s eyes were glowing dangerously, and he was determined. Nakamaru wondered when it had happened: Ueda getting this bold and becoming the stronger one in their relationship. He leaned down and kissed him softly.
“Thank you,” he muttered and never mentioned it again.
But now, Ueda wished Ryo wasn´t such a good friend of Jin, and he wished he would stop popping up everywhere he went. He started to feel uneasy, seeing those eyes of his again, and he feared their next conversation, Ryo´s next questions. All of it was getting too intimate.
He wasn´t aware that Ryo didn´t come to their dressing room because of Jin anymore.
Chapter 6, originally posted on 30/4/2009
Beginning of 2009
“Ueda Tatsuya, I like you. No, I love you; I have for a long time now.”
Nishikido was staring at his spent reflection in the mirror. He growled and punched the wall next to it angrily.
“This is so stupid and cheesy and pathetic, and even though I feel like a complete fool saying it, it doesn´t help anymore. I want to tell the real person not my reflection!” He screamed at himself again and sank down beneath the sink, hugging his knees and hiding his head between them.
I am going to go insane, he thought and stayed still like forever before taking a shower and going to bed. It was three in the morning. He had been out in a pub alone, and he overdid it with some stupid whisky. He didn´t care, he needed to forget for at least one night, and as none of his friends was free, he went alone.
The routine in front of the mirror was nothing new. The words changed time to time, but the meaning stayed. It was his form of self-preservation. When he said it looking into the mirror, he felt better for letting it out and at the same time, he saw how unrealistic and pathetic he was. He knew he could not tell the real person now, and seeing how silly he would look doing so, made him more determined to keep silent.
He was watching Ueda really closely lately. Well, it wasn´t like he hadn´t before, but it was escalating. The man might have even noticed as he became a bit jumpy around him again. And that was the last thing Ryo wanted. It had been so hard to get at least a bit closer to him. So he tried to keep it down and lessened the intensity of visiting KATTUN´s dressing room or same places as Ueda did.
Nakamaru knew; he was sure of that. That guy had great instincts, he could tell. Besides, they had this weird meeting about a week ago in the hallway. Nakamaru had appeared in front of him, and Ryo could swear it hadn´t been a coincidence. It felt like the tall man was waiting for him. He looked him down, and Ryo felt like the tall one could see right through him, like he could see all his thoughts. When it was all getting very uncomfortable, Maru looked him straight in the eyes.
“I am glad you and Tat-chan are getting along lately. I hope you continue guarding your tongue in the future as well.”
He then smiled politely, wished him a good day and before Ryo could say a word, he was gone. Nakamaru knew, and that was killing Ryo. Because he knew very well that he had no right to interfere, that he had no right to mess up with those two. He should not destroy what they had.
Who am I kidding, I am not capable of breaking them apart anyway. I would just be a nuisance and a laughing stock maybe. Ryo turned on his bed, not being able to fall asleep.
Watching Ueda taught him a lot. He and Nakamaru had a sweet relationship. They didn´t display it too much, but the caring and the love was visible when they looked at each other, had a lunch in silence during the break, or when one of them just fetched a drink for the other. They were all small gestures, light touches of a hand or a shoulder, but Ryo saw how much they meant, and he was so jealous.
He could see that the man he loved was happy. He just wasn´t happy with him. He could see he was content; it was just aching that Ryo wasn´t the one who made him smile. When he talked to him, he seemed so calm and composed and a bit too formal. Ryo knew that was his fault. He knew that it was because of the past Ueda Tatsuya was still cautious around him and was becoming even more, now Ryo couldn´t control his glances anymore.
*
Ryo was sitting in NEWS dressing room next day, and he was trying to stay as still as possible. That way the hangover didn´t torture him so much. Suddenly Tegoshi bounced inside, and he brought some tapes with him.
“I have old recordings here. Do you want to watch? I want to see, it will be fun.”
Without waiting for a reply from the others, he put the tape on, and it was the Shounen Club where they were guests.
“Oh, I remember this one,” Koyama looked at the screen, “Isn´t it the one where Ryo-chan was the Mister X?”
Ryo looked up sharply, Tegoshi fast forwarded and found the segment. “Oh, you are right Kei-chan.”
“Could you please turn it off?” Ryo demanded.
“Why? Are you embarrassed? It was fun though, you and Ueda fighting was fun. It is so strange seeing you all polite to each other now.”
Ryo just glared at him and fixed his eyes on the screen unwillingly. He really didn´t want to be reminded what a jerk he had been back then. It was pretty clear to him now that, most of the time, he just wanted Tatsuya´s attention. Not that it excused all the insults he had thrown his way.
“Tat-chan was pretty cool here,” Massu said suddenly, “he just ignored you, Ryo-chan. “
“I guess,” Ryo muttered and left the dressing room. Tegoshi had plenty more tapes to go, and he was sure there would be more of him abusing Tatsuya to come.
He didn´t see where he was going, and before he knew it, he knocked someone of their feet.
“Nishikido, watch out!”
“Oh, Ueda,” Ryo trailed off. He was everywhere!!! But he tried to be polite, so he stretched out his hand and helped Ueda back to his feet.
“Thank you,” and Ueda gave him one of his shiny smiles.
“I am sorry,” Ryo blurted out, shaking almost visibly, thinking more about the past than knocking Ueda down just now.
“No problem. Don´t take it too seriously, stop looking like you are on a graveyard,” Ueda noticed the man in front of him was too serious.
“No, I am really sorry,” Ryo said again, not being able to explain more, and just left, leaving a confused Ueda behind.
*
That day Ryo came home and just slammed himself on the carpet next to his sofa. He didn´t know what to do anymore. His head was full of Tatsuya, and he needed to tell him how he felt. Maybe he could just tell him and ask him to ignore it or forget it. He needed to explain somehow how his emotions came about and how sorry he was. And then maybe he would go to Osaka and stay there until Ueda forgets.
I am being a coward, not being able to hold back when I know I should and then running away. But I can´t take it anymore. I am selfish.
*
Ryo was to leave for Osaka the next day to record some songs for a new Kanjani 8 album. He was searching for Ueda whole day long, but it was as if the man had disappeared from the Earth. Ryo felt so tired, not sleeping properly lately. He was disappointed in himself for not being able to manage his own emotions, for not being the master of his will lately.
He needed some fresh air, and as he was closer to the roof than to the ground, he decided to go there. He rarely went, but he really needed a breather right now. He climbed the last stairs and opened the door. When he got up there, he stopped in his track, seeing the man he was looking for right in front of him. The cold air crushed into him, and he could feel the winter wind swirling around him. He felt it was a really appropriate weather for what was to come.
“Hello,” Ueda said politely but visibly surprised. He twitched a little, and Ryo tried to ignore that.
“Hello,” Ryo moved closer, rummaging through his trousers, looking for a letter he was carrying around. He didn´t realize he was standing close enough to touch Ueda now. He raised his head and, meeting Ueda´s confused eyes, he flushed.
“Actually, I was kind of looking for you. I need to tell you something,” Small thud was heard, but neither one of them seemed to notice.
“What is it?” Ueda asked, tensing up a little more.
Ryo took a deep breath, locking his gaze with Tatsuya´s firmly, determined not to even flinch.
“I love you. I know I have no right to tell you, but I love you. I know I am pathetic, but I have been in love with you for a really long time, and I needed you to know.” It was out; now nothing could be taken back.
Tatsuya just stood there, eyes widening, lips slightly parting, but his eyes never leaving Ryo´s. Ryo stretched his hand out and tried to hand a letter to Ueda.
“I don´t want your letter,” Ueda said, finally breaking the eye contact, now looking at the plain white envelope.
Ryo took Tatsuya´s right palm with his left and pushed the letter onto it.
“Please, I need you to know,” he said once again. He turned around and ran down from the roof. He thought he was going to suffocate. He could still see Ueda´s eyes, those big but unreadable eyes, on him, and he could still hear his voice. I don´t want your letter.
Ueda didn´t look at Ryo leaving. Instead he turned bit to the left in the direction of a small boot.
“Yuichi, I know you are here, I saw you coming, so please stop hiding.”
Maru came out, looking dead serious.
“Our practice is starting. I went looking for you,” he couldn´t make any comment on what just happened.
Ueda came close and outstretched his hand.
“Is he playing pranks on me?” He asked, but then his eyes darkened, “I don´t want to read this, help me find a trash can, so I can throw it away.”
“No,” Maru said hastily before he could change his mind. “You should read it. Keep it, and promise me you will read it when you get home today. A person should face other person´s feelings straight on.”
“But Maru?”
Maru didn´t say more, he took Tat-chan´s hand and lead him back to their rehearsal.
*
Ueda came back home, made himself a big cup of tea and seated himself on the couch. He took the white envelope out of his pocket. He had wanted to throw it away but found out he was not able to do so. He turned it around one more time, finally deciding to rip it open and to take out the sheet of paper covered thickly in Ryo´s handwriting. There was no greeting; just the pages were numbered so he knew where to start.
I am a selfish human being, so I will call you Tatsuya now, even though you didn´t let me. I am a selfish human being, but thank you for taking and reading this. Tatsuya.
When I met you few days ago, I said sorry. I write it down one more time now. I am sorry for being a jerk when we were younger. I have no excuse; I was an idiot who spoke faster than he thought. I still do actually. It is just that you have taught me a lesson.
When you had shouted at me that night few days before the countdown, few days before NEWS came back, it was only then I realized I was hurting you. I never thought you were affected so deeply. It was a rude awaking. While I wanted to see you more, you said that if I see you, you would beat me up. I was so scared that night. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to talk to you again. Would you believe me that it was because you shouted back then I realized how much I wanted you in my life? That I love you?
I know I said I hated you. I didn´t mean it. Ok, well I did, you annoyed me by living in your world, by ignoring me. By teasing you, I was close to you, your eyes were on me and that satisfied me. I am a jerk; I am a selfish person. When you started to ignore me completely and you wouldn´t react anymore, I started missing you. We were working so closely back then, and I missed you. I still do.
I will have to apologize to Jin because even though I am glad he came back, and he is my great friend, and I like to spend time with him, I used him only as an excuse for coming to your dressing room. I wanted to see you. I wanted to talk to you. It was so blissful when you finally talked back.
I know you have noticed me staring at you, and I can´t stop anymore. I don’t want you to be scared of me again. I will try to tone it down. I know Nakamaru has noticed as well. I will stop coming to your dressing room. I will try, but I am a selfish person. And I am jealous of Nakamaru. I am jealous because he makes you happy.
I want to be with you. I want to hold you. I want to hug you. I want to make you smile, and I want that smile of yours to be for me. I want to love you.
I will be in Osaka for some time now. You can just forget what I write. I want to be the person you love, but I know I cannot be that. I just couldn´t take it anymore.
I don´t know why I am so attracted to you. I don´t know, why I love you. I don´t know what about you fascinates me. Please, let me be! You know I used to like girls? But now I can think only of you. I wanted to hold back and hide what I feel. I am weak and selfish. Now you know.
I love you Tatsuya, and I know how lame I must have looked when I said so, please forget this pathetic me.
Just as the letter didn´t have any beginning, it didn´t have any ending. Tatsuya just sat there looking down. Ryo spilled all his emotions on him, leaving him perplexed. He felt like a truck just ran over him. The truck full of Ryo´s emotions. And that coward ran away. He timed it well, not facing him again.
He stood up. He attempted to throw the letter away one more time, but he ended up filing it into the black notebook that was still on his book shelf. When he lied down that night and closed his eyes, he was hoping that the sleep would calm him down. He wanted to put it all behind him, so he can face the world with a clean shield tomorrow. But when he curled up, all he could see were dark, deep, captivating eyes. He could see them looking straight at him.
Chapter 7, originally posted on 02/05/2009
Spring 2009
“So what are you going to tell Ryo when he comes back?”
“You know, we never come here anymore. Even though this is one of my favorite places out of all those you have found. What a shame it´s so far away.”
“You will meet each other eventually. You cannot avoid him forever, and he should get a reply from you. You should face this.”
“Why does everything have to be so perfect and solved?”
“Your answer doesn´t have to be perfect. Just tell him what you really think.”
“Don´t you have any predatory instincts? Don´t you have any boyfriend instincts? The guy confessed to me!”
“I love you.”
“Look at who is changing the subject now.”
“I just hate when you are in denial.”
“Why don´t you go talk to him?”
They were sitting on the closed porch of a restaurant Maru found more than 2 years ago. The restaurant changed but didn´t lose its charms. Actually it was even better, as they renovated the interior and bought these nice rattan sofas. The couple was now sitting on one of them. Ueda was leaning against Maru; they were both facing the garden outside, their fingers tangled up, playing games with their thumbs.
“I went to see him, actually,” Maru spoke again.
This really caught Ueda off guard, he expected Maru to be all fussy again.
“You did? When? How? Did you go to Osaka?” He wanted to know more.
“No, silly, it happened about a week before you two met on the roof.”
“Before he said he loved me.”
“Ok, if you insist on saying it that way. It happened about a week before he said he loved you. “
“Are you going to tell me what happened?“
“I knew he was lurking around you like forever; I saw him giving you these looks I didn´t like. I realized something was happening. I mean, you said it yourself that he was pretty weird lately. You too knew he was drawn to you.”
Ueda nodded slowly.”I hoped you didn´t notice. I didn´t want you to be worried.”
“I always thought Nishikido was quite a guarded person. When I noticed him talking to you, hanging on every word you said, on every smile you gave him, I knew. He might have been fighting this for quite a long time before he actually told you.”
“You sound like you are defending him. Are you crazy?”
“I am not defending him; I am just stating the fact. I didn´t like it. I didn´t like it at all, so I waited for him that day.”
“What exactly did you tell him?”
“I told him I was glad you too got along now, and that I hoped he could keep on watching his tongue in the future as well.”
“Maru, you are a king of vague!”
Maru just laughed. Ueda was clenching on his hand and pulling it slightly as if scolding him.
“Sorry, Tat-chan. Now, it´s your turn to tell me. What are you going to do when you meet him?”
Ueda sat up properly and turned to face Maru.
“I will bow politely. I will thank him for his feelings but tell him I am in a relationship with you and that I don´t plan on changing that any time soon. “
“What?”
“Does it sound cheese? I know it looks like a scene from a movie. But I can´t be mean to him. It´s your fault; you made me read that letter.”
“What do you mean?” Maru was a bit alarmed. Even though after the roof confession Ueda made it pretty clear that he was not going anywhere.
“The letter was such a mess. Nishikido is such a mess right now, and even though he said he wanted me, he sounded pretty resigned, defeated. He just needed to tell me.”
Ueda knew how it felt. He too felt relieved when Nishikido found out back then. Even though he had been scared, and he had been crushed when he heard Ryo´s answer, he actually felt like it was better that way. He found it funny how the tables had turned. He wondered if Nishikido maybe hoped to play on his old feelings. It didn´t matter. The letter was just the result of his pent up feelings finally breaking free. He understood that much.
The two men returned to their previous position. Even though their hands were still connected, each of them was far away, lost in his own thoughts.
Nakamaru was thinking two years back, when they had started to date. He knew that back then, Tatsuya still had had feelings for Ryo. But he did everything in his power to change that. He never knew for sure if he wasn´t just a replacement.
Ueda told him he hated Ryo back then.
I hate him even more for always being in my thoughts, for not letting me go.
Tatsuya was really good in being in denial. But when Ryo confessed, he didn´t run after him, instead he kept on reassuring Maru that nothing changed and he would stay with him. Maru wanted him to clean it up with Ryo. He hoped his boyfriend was not in denial again. He wanted to believe that he was the one in his heart now.
I won´t doubt him.
He was glad him and Tat-chan were able to talk things through.
*
Nishikido Ryo was avoiding Ueda Tatsuya. Even other people than the two in question have noticed. It was not like Ueda wanted to meet him that much. He wanted to tell him. He knew Maru wanted him to tell him properly but the man was basically running away from him.
Tatsuya felt a bit hurt by that.
“I don´t bite, for god´s sake,” he muttered to himself as he was getting into the elevator.
“You certainly look like you do right now,” a familiar voice said. The elevator door closed, and he found himself in the same elevator with Masuda. The man was a good friend of Nakamaru, and by now he and Tat-chan were pretty close. He liked his smiley but very down to earth personality.
“Hello, Massu.”
“Hi, Tat-chan. I hear you want to talk to Ryo-chan.”
“Not really, I just have some unfinished business with him.”
Massu smiled knowingly. Ueda wondered how much he knew. Maru probably didn´t tell him, but he could have figured out.
“He cannot drive now, so we take turns taking him home if we can,” Massu said as if he was talking about the weather.
“It is my turn tonight. We are to meet in front of the company at eight, but a friend of mine called me for a dinner. I might just forget,” he said as the door opened.
“No, Massu wait! Are you crazy?” But the man was gone, and the doors were closed.
*
Everybody went home by now. Ueda was still sitting on the couch, not knowing what to do. He knew Massu was dead serious. Either he would take Ryo home, or he would wait uselessly and take a train, or he would have to take a taxi.
Why should I care?
He needed to tell him too sentences; he did not want to drive him home. He was very happy not seeing Ryo. That way his eyes were not hunting him, and he could forget about the emotions that letter contained and those it stirred.
Ueda felt blessed for being loved by Maru, and he liked him back with all his might. They had a good relationship, they suited each other. It was calm loving, and Maru spoiled him just the right amount. He felt respected and treasured.
Ryo was his first big love. The love that stayed unrequited, so he never knew if it would work out in real life. But he was sure it would have been much more turbulent than what he had with Maru. Wondering how it would turn out was the only reason why he had been wavering for few days after he read the letter. But every time he saw Maru, when they spent time with each other, he did not want to leave.
He cursed Massu for the last time, picked up his bag and his car keys and went downstairs. It was half past eight. When he got out of the building, he could see Ryo pacing in the parking lot. He was trying to call someone, but ,seeing the angry gesture when he closed his cell phone, Ueda was pretty sure he did not succeed.
He came closer to the man and took a breath.
“Massu is not coming today, I´ll take you home tonight, and we can discus witch one of us is going to beat him up tomorrow.”
Ryo looked startled, but he didn´t run this time. It was more like he was rooted to the spot. When Ueda didn´t say more and just started to walk to his car, he finally spoke, shouting after the man.
“I am fine, I will take the train.” And when the other didn´t react, he added, “Thanks for the info, and I will take care of Massu tomorrow.”
Only now, when Ueda unlocked his car, he turned around, taking few fast steps towards Ryo. He grabbed his elbow and started dragging him to his car.
“I am not happy with what he did, but it took me whole day to decide whether I would take you home or not. I do need to talk to you. So you just shut up and do not interfere with me right now.”
He opened the car door and hurled a pouting Ryo inside his car. When the engine was on, he turned to Ryo to ask for the address. The man was sitting there, head down, legs and arms crossed in such a defensive position it was unbearable. He muttered his street name and looked out of the window.
“I don´t bite.” was all Ueda said as he drove out of a parking lot.
They stayed quiet while driving. Ueda turned the radio on, and when a song he liked came on, he hummed it nervously; he figured it was better to talk only when they stopped.
He parked the car and turned to Ryo. He was still looking down but was collecting his bag, getting ready to leave now.
“I read your letter,” Tatsuya said. “Maru made me,” he admitted.
“Thank you for the ride. I will take care of Massu,” and Ryo was running away.
Ueda got mad. He leaped out of the car and chased Ryo.
“You coward, stop running away.”
He caught him few steps away from the entrance.
“Do not make a scene, Nishikido,” his voice was low and dangerous. “If you can tell me how you feel, I have the same right.”
“I told you to forget it. I can tell how you feel. Go back to your boyfriend. I do not need you crashing me. I have had enough. Let me go!”
“You have had enough? Of what? What have I done to you? You were the one staring at me past half of the year at least, freaking me out. Hell by what you wrote, you have been staring for years now.”
“And I said I would stop. Now let go!” Ryo tugged on his right arm that was firmly in Tatsuya´s grip. Freeing himself, he ran into the apartment building. Ueda was still right behind him.
The taller man managed to slip into the elevator right before it closed. Ryo looked at him furiously, and he turned to face the wall. Ueda was just so furious with this man always running away. He turned him around angrily, placing his hands in between Ryo´s arm and his body, one on each side of him.
“You needed your release, now I need mine, and then we are done.”
Ryo looked at him, eyes sad, frightened, but determined, his voice was still trembling when he spoke.
“I don´t want to see you. I don´t want to be near you, and if YOU come near me, I’ll show you what they have been teaching me in a boxing gym lately.”
Ueda was stunned hearing his own words from years ago. But Ryo was not done.
“I don´t go to a boxing gym, but I bet I can take you on. Ueda Tatsuya, leave me alone, so I can wallow and then get on with my life,” he breathed heavily. His heart was racing; the man he loved was so near to him, he could just lean to the front and kiss him. It would be so simple.
Ueda was startled. Ryo was letting him go. He was chasing him away.
“I love you,” he heard him saying, “I beg you, leave me alone, so I won´t hurt you again. I know you want me to give up on you.”
Ueda´s heart was pounding. He could hear it, feel it. He was losing control; he was losing his breath. He felt himself leaning closer to the man that he was so mad at few seconds ago; he could feel his scent, his skin was millimeters away, their bodies already meeting each other.
Suddenly the elevator stopped, and the door opened. They were on Ryo´s floor. They froze, none of them moved. The door closed again, and the elevator went black. No one called it, so they were not moving either.
Ueda pulled away slowly, releasing Ryo who slid to the floor. Head in his hands. Ueda searched for a button and managed to push the right one, opening the door, and the light went on again.
He took Ryo by his shoulders, pulled him up and shoved him into the elevator door. He stepped back, bowed slightly.
“Thank you for your feelings. But I am with Maru now, and I do not plan on leaving him, he takes care of me.“
Ryo stumbled to the back, leaving the elevator for good. The door started to close. He looked up and saw Tatsuya leaning against the wall looking at him, flushed and tears in his eyes. Just the way he used to look back then, when Ryo had teased him.
The door closed completely, Ryo turned around and headed for his door. He entered his apartment, not turning the light on. He headed to the bathroom and, still in the dark, just by the touch and a memory, he found the sink. He washed his face. Then leaving the water running, he collapsed on the floor. His hands were ruffling his hair violently. Maybe he should fight. Maybe he shouldn´t give up. He didn´t have any strength left, he was crying openly where no one could see him.
Chapter 8, originally posted on 04/05/2009
Spring 2009
“Now Tat-chan, will you tell me what have you done to my Ryo-chan?” Jin was bouncing around their dressing room.
“Nothing.”
“I don´t believe you. If you did nothing, why is he avoiding this place as if an instant death awaited him here? Also, every time I ask him to go somewhere, he asks if you are going to be there, and if I say yes, he declines. You have clearly done something to him.”
“Why don´t you ask him, if you are so sure?” Ueda was getting annoyed. He wanted Jin to drop the subject. He himself was trying really hard not to come across the said man, and he was grateful he had done the same.
Well he asked me to get lost, so what did I expect?
Jin was suddenly really close to him.
“I did ask him, but he wouldn´t tell me anything. He said it was nothing.”
“Then why don´t you believe him?”
“Because Pi says he looks like a truck just run over him all the time, and he seems like has not been sleeping. And you two were getting along lately, so something must have happened.”
Ueda finally looked up properly, wondering if it would be too dangerous to ask whether Ryo´s friends keep him healthy. Nakamaru chose that moment to interfere.
“Jin, why don´t you let it go for now? I am sure that either Nishikido or Tat-chan would tell if there was something to tell. Or they simply do not think it is something to brag about.”
“Maru! You know something! That is not fair!”
Maru just rolled his eyes and was about to get some drinks when Jin spoke again, effectively making Maru jolt and stumble.
“I know! Ryo-chan said he secretly loved you, and now it´s all awkward ´cause you and Maru.”
Ueda turned white, Maru turned red and Jin´s phone rang, making him completely forget what he had just said or what he was trying to find out. He picked it up and skipped out of the room.
Maru turned around to face Ueda. The man was looking at the floor, shoulders down and face still white as chalk.
“You know, maybe you could tell me what exactly happened that night. I believe you, but why is it so hard for you two to even greet each other, to even stay in the same room?”
“Maru!?” Ueda pleaded, but then he looked up, his eyes full of determination.
“I really told him what I had promised you to tell him. It´s just that it was hard to make him listen. He did not want to. He kept running away from me. So I shouted some, and we fought some. It was just a bit more dramatic than it was necessary. A little nostalgic actually, just like the old times,” Ueda had this small sad smile on his face.
“But he asked me, he begged me, to leave him alone and to not show my face. Maru, he chased me away. I try to do what he asked of me, and he does too. We all just need time for this to pass.”
Maru looked at his boyfriend. He was looking at him earnestly. But the tall man felt like he was trying too much to look like everything was just fine. He felt like Ueda was hurt. Maru had that feeling for some time now. Ever since his boyfriend went to talk to Ryo. And now it felt like he finally found out the reason.
Could it be that Ryo hurt Tatsuya by telling him off? By asking him to leave him alone? But that would mean …
Maru tried hard to overlook the thought forming in his head. He came close to Tatsuya and hugged him tightly. He lifted his chin and looked him into the eyes.
“Thank you for telling me properly, I am sorry for prying too much.”
“No, you shouldn´t be sorry for asking this. It´s just …” Ueda trailed away.
The reason why he didn´t want to tell was because he felt like he would betray Ryo somehow if he did. He felt like he would expose Ryo´s most vulnerable place by telling, and he did not want to. Besides, he would rather forget that night. He wanted to forget hurt in Ryo´s eyes that night. Because it was him who had hurt him.
It can´t be helped, I made a decision. I should be strong. I have no regrets. He told himself and snuggled closer to Maru. He missed the sadness that overcame the other man.
*
Their last concert in Tokyo has ended. The last for now. They would move to Osaka soon and then back to Tokyo for few more. They were given two days off before starting to prepare for Osaka. Different stage meant changes, so there was a lot of work still ahead of them. Today, the concert was quite enjoyable although it felt a bit like they were a serial production. One concert after another at the same place, too fast to appreciate it fully.
Ueda took his shower as the last one. Never the less, he was already dressed, and he was collecting his things. He brought quite a lot over a week they spent in this dressing room, and he was contemplating on how to take it all back. He tried really hard not to think about a man standing in front of their dressing room.
Ryo came to watch their concert. He came with Yamapi to support them. They came to the first and now to the last concert. And they were pulling Jin to celebrate, Koki already said he would go to. While Yamapi was all comfortable, sitting in their dressing room, Ryo was outside, probably leaning against the wall next to the door. His shadow could be seen through the glass part of it.
Ueda sighed. He was happy that those two didn´t come up during their MC tonight as they had done the first time around. At that time, Ueda retreated to the back and just stood there silently while others were chatting happily. Maru was doing a good job managing the conversation, keeping it understandable as Jin, Yamapi and Ryo could easily have gone out of control. Even though it was short, Ueda felt like it was the longest MC ever.
The shadow stirred a bit, and Ueda guessed Ryo was getting quite impatient. He had been waiting for quite a long time now. Ueda ran a hand through his hair and took few steps towards the door. He opened them and all the attention turned to him.
“Are you leaving already?” A confused Kame asked.
“No, I am nowhere close to being packed. I brought too many things over the week.” He gave Kame a quick look and stuck his head out of the room before he lost his courage.
“Maybe you should just come in. I think it is going to take a while before they will be ready. It is the last day, and we need to take everything with us. Besides you were on your feet the whole concert.” He was looking at Ryo, who just stood there visibly dumbfounded.
Ueda came back to their dressing room before Ryo could say anything, leaving the door open. On the other side of the wall, Ryo tried to breath again. He knew Ueda was right and he was getting tired. Maybe he could try again.
The room was completely silent when he came in. People had been wondering what happened between those two for a very long time. Ueda approaching Ryo like this and Ryo actually doing what he was asked to was more than surprising. Kame was watching Ueda, Jin was watching Ryo, and Pi tried to watch both at the same time. Ryo took the chair closest to the entrance. It looked like he was going to run away any minute now. Ueda, on the other hand, was piling up all his stuff, not looking at what the other man was doing. He looked like he couldn´t care less. He even cursed under his breath when he saw his bag was already full and plenty of stuff still wasn´t packed.
“Jin, move your ass, how long can it take to dry one´s hair?” Koki broke now uncomfortable silence.
“I second that; you should just shave your head like Koki. Life would be so much easier,” Pi was helping him. Jin was pouting and the conversation started to flow again.
The four of them left pretty soon, Ryo practically running out of the room. He realized nothing changed and seeing Tatsuya made his heart pound, his breath shortened, and he needed to get out. Others too were almost done packing and soon, it was only Nakamaru and Ueda in the room.
Ueda finally managed to pack all his things. Maru was done before him, so he was waiting patiently. He kept silent for a while now, all he did was observe.
“I am ready, shall we go?”
“Yeah, are you hungry? “
“I don´t know. I can´t feel it, I still have plenty of adrenaline going through my veins.”
Maru just nodded. “Then can you just drop me off at home tonight? I am dead tired, and I promised to meet with my family tomorrow, so I should go to bed.”
“Sure, no problem. Let´s go.”
They walked out in silence, got in the car, and Ueda drove Nakamaru home. It was not something unusual, they were tired, and it was natural for them to spend some time in silence. Just that Ueda felt this time it was a bit heavier not to talk. He stopped in front of Maru´s apartment building and leaned to kiss him good night.
Maru was about to close the door, but then he bent and stuck his head in for the last time.
“I was thinking, would you meet me tomorrow afternoon? Maybe in that park near you? The usual bench?”
“Sure. What time?!"
“Five pm? If my family keeps me longer I´ll call you. Ok?”
“Ok, I will be waiting. See you then. “
Maru smiled and shut the door. He turned around and walked off, never turning around. Something was wrong, Ueda could tell. Was it really such a big deal, him calling Ryo in? Or was something else bothering Maru? He was especially quiet lately. Ueda had asked him if something was happening, but Maru always shrugged it off, saying he was just tired from long rehearsals and then intense concerts. They all were, so Ueda let it be. But now, he was sure that was not the problem. He drove away and started to fear tomorrow.
*
Ueda was sitting in the park for 30 minutes already. He was 2O minutes early, and Maru was 10 minutes late. The man didn´t call him though, so Ueda expected him to come anytime soon. He took out his blue notebook and started to scribble some lyrics down. He didn´t know Maru was watching him for some time now, still hesitating, still wondering.
Ueda suddenly looked up, cold shiver running up his spine. He felt like someone was watching, so he turned his head around. Only now had Maru realized he was making the other man wait, so he began walking towards him. The moment Ueda saw him, he smiled his happy smile. Maru´s heart fluttered, and again he hesitated.
“Hi, how did it go?” Tatsuya asked, head tilting to the side.
“Fine, they are proud of me, as always. They made me feel better about me. You know, seeing my mom´s look.”
“Yeah, they are supporting you very much.”
Maru sat next to Ueda. He watched the kids playing and random passersby enjoying the weather.
“Yuichi?”
“Hmmm?”
“Do you have something to tell me? If so, can you please do it already?”
“Oh, you noticed? I guess you know me too well.”
“Right back at you,” Ueda smiled, he was hoping nothing bad would come next.
Maru shifted nervously. He was not able to look at Ueda. His head was already hurting.
“I think we should break up.”
Ueda stood up, quickly, as if something stung him. He looked at Nakamaru, shock and tears in his eyes. He then dropped his shoulders and sank back to the bench.
“Oh.” That´s all he said.
They stayed silent. Maru could hear Ueda sobbing next to him; he was trying really hard to stop. Suddenly, he stood up again. He stepped in front of Nakamaru and lifted his chin. His eyes were sad, but there was strength in them.
“I won´t let you break up with me. You don´t really want to. You just want to play a hero again. Look at me. Look me straight into the eyes and tell me again. Until then, I won´t believe you. “
Once again, Nakamaru realized how strong the man in front of him had become. He forced himself not to look away and said, trying to keep his voice steady.
“I am breaking up with you.”
Ueda flinched a little but kept his gaze on Maru.
“Why?”
“Because I don´t think I can be with you anymore?”
“Why?”
“Because … because of Nishikido,” He could not tell anything else.
“So you don´t believe me, when I tell you I want to be with you? You don´t believe me, when I tell you that you make me happy. That you are the one I see my future with?”
“I do believe you.”
“Then we are not breaking up,” Ueda said firmly.
Nakamaru stood up.
“We are. I cannot take it anymore. I keep thinking I am just the replacement. I keep thinking my job is done, now that Ryo loves you back. I keep seeing things that might not be there. I keep thinking you should be with him and not with me. He is hurting, and you are trying too much to stay calm, to persuade me and yourself that everything is just fine. I think you are not your true self with me. Never mad at me, never shouting, always so calm and composed. He brings out the worst and the best in you. I cannot take it anymore.”
Ueda tried to say something, but Maru didn´t let him just yet.
“You are hurting Tatsuya, Nishikido is hurting. This is the best thing to do,” he needed to breath, and he needed to sit down.
He was falling back to the bench, but Ueda caught him, took him by his shoulders and shook him, not so gently.
“What about you, Yuichi? Are you telling me this is not hurting you? That it´s fine giving up on me? Why do you always care about others more than you care about yourself? I love you for that, but just this one time, can´t you be selfish? Why don´t you take me and keep me? Why do you push me away instead? Why do you give me up? Fight for me, fight with him, and I will fight with you.”
Ueda was running out of air, but he was not done just yet.
“Why did you keep silent if this was bothering you? I asked you, didn´t I? Why didn´t you talk to me, when you were doubting me? I would prove myself. I will prove myself. I will shout, cry, I will be mean and spoiled brat if that´s what you want me to be.”
“It´s not what I want you to be, it´s what you need to be.”
“I am what I need to be. I am what I am because you are with me. Because you are by my side, I can take things calmly, I can face anything. I don´t need to shout or scream. You are not a replacement. Do you think I would waste more than two years on a replacement. Why do you belittle us so? Why are you leaving me?”
“Because I don´t believe in us anymore,” Maru himself didn´t know if this was true or not. He didn´t know anything anymore, seeing Ueda clinching to him like this. He inhaled sharply, trying to regain the control over his body. He pushed Ueda´s arms away.
“I can´t be together with you anymore. I am not as strong as you are. We are over.” Maru stepped to the side and started to walk away. He turned around for the last time. He saw Ueda was looking at him, he was shivering, his face was pale, his lips were trembling.
“I am so sorry, Tatsuya. You should look inside your heart because I think that Ryo is still in there somewhere. And I cannot share.”
Suddenly he thought of something. He came back and took the blue notebook from the bench where it laid forgotten. He opened it on the first page. He took it between his fingers and pulled. The page tore away and stayed in his hand. Page with his stapled song.
“Please let me have this. And let me buy you a new one of these.”
He was about to leave, when Ueda grabbed his elbow. Maru turned to face him again.
“I am not going to him,” Tatsuya´s voice was cold, and it was piercing through Maru even though he was only whispering.
Maru yanked away from him.
“I am so sorry,” he said again and this time, he didn´t turn around.
Ueda sank back into the bench. He couldn’t move, he couldn´t even cry. Everything was falling apart. It was only fitting that it started to rain.
~
tbc
... go to the next entry for the following chapters
Pairing: Ryoda, Maruda
Chapter: 5 - 8
Rating: PG - 13
Summary: Ryo mocked Ueda all the time, but time has passed. Ueda got stronger and is in a relationship now. Ryo might not be able to mend what he has broken in the past.
No beta
A/N: I´ve been using a Ryoda time-line made by gothicauthor a lot when writing this story, and she deserves a mention and a thank you!
Note the date, there is quite a time gap between chapter 4 and 5.
Chapter 5, originally posted on 29/04/2009
This chapter switches between past and present and does so in a messy manner, thus the use of color. Dark blue takes you back in time, automatic is your typical linear time flow.
Summer 2008
“Tat-chan, wake up! Ueda Tatsuya, I want you to get out of your dreamland right now!”
“Hmmm….”
“Do you know what time it is? Tatsuya!!!! Look at me! It´s noon!!!”
“Soooo …”
“So, we were supposed to meet 2 hours ago! You stood me up! You didn´t even get up from your bed. How could you?!”
“Oh, it´s noon already,” Ueda was finally reacting a bit. He opened his eyes slightly and recognized his boyfriend standing over his bed, furious, fire in his eyes.
“How could you do that? You are so lucky I decided to check this apartment before alarming police and any other force unit of this country and before I announced to the world that idol Ueda Tatsuya was kidnapped or killed by some raging fan girl clan!!!”
“The only person raging here is you, Yuichi. I am happy you checked, that is what the key in your hand is for, but maybe you could have called first,” Ueda still didn´t manage to open his eyes properly.
“I did, like a thousand of times. I think your battery died eventually because it couldn´t take so many missed calls.”
“Oh, I guess I didn´t hear then. I am sorry Yuichi, but how about change in our plans? Why don´t you join me?”
“And is this the reason why you gave me the key to your apartment? So you can stand me up and sleep till noon instead?” Maru didn´t really register Ueda´s last sentence until he gave him his piece of mind.
“I am really sorry. I can´t sleep lately, so I was up all night and fell asleep only after the sunrise. But if you don´t want to join me, I will get up,” And Ueda made an effort to open his eyes again and maybe even to move.
Only now Nakamaru realized that his boyfriend wanted him to get in bed, and he looked at the sleeping man properly, eyes examining Ueda´s pale face, black shadows under his eyes and sleepy expression.
“No, stay where you are,” he said defeated, “Just lend me a pair of sweatpants.”
“The left bottom drawer,” Ueda smiled and shut his eyes again, “Thank you, Yuichi.”
Nakamaru put the sweatpants on and took his shirt off, leaving the undershirt on, and he climbed next to Ueda.
“Don´t even think you are forgiven, or that just because you call me Yuichi like that I will let it go. I will punish you later, when you will be fully conscious. Until then, I will try to process the decadency of going to bed at noon.”
Ueda turned around so he was facing Nakamaru. He smiled from his half sleep, knowing Maru cannot really be mean to him, and his punishment is going to be just another fun outing of theirs. He felt a bit guilty, using Maru´s good nature and kindness against him, but he really needed some rest. He swung one of his arms around Maru´s waist and murmured another thank you before trailing off definitely.
Nakamaru, on the other hand, stayed wide awake, thoughts running through his head. He was so happy that Ueda gave him keys to his apartment, but this really wasn´t how he wanted to use them. He knew Ueda didn’t mean what he just said, but still …
If this was Nishikido Ryo and not me, I bet Ueda would get up and go to that date.
If this was Nishikido Ryo, he would get up immediately after he realized what had happened.
And if this was Nishikido Ryo, he would probably make love to him right now, and not let him sleep like a baby.
But he was not Nishikido Ryo, as he reminded himself. And he knew he shouldn´t be thinking like this. From the moment they got together, thanks to Ueda - he reminded himself, the other man never compared them, never mentioned him, and he was so loving towards Maru that he shouldn´t have these thoughts. But lately, no matter what Maru did, thoughts of Nishikido Ryo were lurking around him. Or rather it was Nishikido Ryo himself who was lurking around Tat-chan, and Maru didn´t like it at all.
*
When Ueda and Maru started to date, no one really knew. They were close friends before, and they didn´t display their affection in front of their band mates at the beginning since they were not sure about how they would continue. It was Jin who realized they were dating.
“So Tat-chan, Maru, you two are together. That is definitely something worth knowing,” he just stated matter of fact-ly about a week after he came back.
“How did you know?” Ueda blushed and, seeing this, Maru blushed too.
“Oh well, I can read the atmosphere, you know. But I must say it is quite surprising. In my twisted mind, I always imagined that Ueda will get it on with Ryo sooner or later.”
“Excuse me?” Ueda was red as a stop sign now.
“Well, you are the only one that Ryo-chan teased so much. It was way too excessive and, knowing him, I thought that maybe it is because he liked you. He can be like a small boy sometimes. And you reacted way too much to all those things. I never thought you are that weak, and no one could ever get you off the track as much as him. So I thought maybe you have a thing for him, and that is why he affects you so much,” Jin was using all of his body to explain, waving his hands frantically.
“You sure have a lot to say for someone who should be kneeling in the corner repenting for his sins,” Maru said, seeing Ueda was speechless.
“Well, obviously I was wrong. Ryo - chan stopped teasing Tat-chan, and you two are a cute couple, so you don´t have to burn those holes into me Maru,” Jin smiled stupidly and stormed off.
Nakamaru and Ueda just stood there, not knowing what to think. Was Jin really that sensitive, or did god granted him these moments of enlightenment sometimes to compensate for his silliness?
*
Ueda tried to make up for standing Maru up as much as possible in the next few days, but Maru had forgiven him long ago. He was too soft, and he knew it. But Ueda looked so happy when he woke up late that afternoon, and he was so into planning their next few dates that anyone else would forgive him as well. If only Ryo wouldn´t be sitting next to his boyfriend in their dressing room right now.
“Are you gonna sing Ai no Hanna in your solo concert too?”
“What? Why do you care?”
“I just wanted to know,” Ryo was looking at him and sounded so careless.
“Besides, why would you ask about that one?” Ueda tensed visibly, thinking Ryo recognized it to be one of the songs from the black notebook. He really hoped that Ryo had forgotten all about it. So why the sudden question?
“That song is just so sad. Shouldn´t you be singing happy lovey-dovey songs right now? I mean, you are dating Nakamaru, and you go to lavender fields and stuff. Does this mean you are not happy?”
“Don´t you think, you are prying? I mean we are not close enough, actually not close at all, to discuss something like this. Besides if you judge person´s feelings and their state by the songs they create this much then you are someone who can´t even tell his loved one how you feel.”
Ueda had no idea that he was right on the spot. He didn´t notice that Ryo turned his eyes away and that he blushed. The younger man decided he doesn´t need to know anymore.
“Ok, if you don´t want to tell me, that´s fine. It just doesn´t fit your current smile, that is all I thought.”
“Well, if you must know, it was composed in the past, but I wanted to sing it because I think it is good,” Ueda said finally, deciding this should be enough for Ryo to drop the subject.
“Ryo, let´s go, our lunch break is over!” Pi called his friend. Originally they both came to say hello to Jin. How Ryo ended up talking to Ueda was a mystery.
“Ryo-chan, did you really came to see me?” Jin whined “You seem more eager to talk to Tat-chan here.”
“Well, he is just more interesting of a talker, I guess,” Ryo waved him off and left after Pi.
Ueda just followed his back, until he left. It was still a little bizarre to talk to him like this.After the turbulences of 2006 and Ueda´s final outburst, they didn´t meet and talk for some time. It was as if Ryo really complied with his wish of not wanting to see him. Ueda was glad about it, it was a period during which he and Maru got together, and by the time Ryo showed his face, he was ready to face him. He had Maru, and he was happy and contented. He wouldn´t be bothered by his insults again.
Ryo did come back - along with Jin. Happy to see his friend back, or so Ueda thought, he would stop by their dressing room to chat and to chill with him. What was surprising was that he didn´t insult Ueda anymore. At first, they would only greet each other as complete strangers, and after some time, they would even exchange “how are you”, and they ended up having these random conversations.
It was funny, but time to time, Ueda got this weird vibe off Ryo. Not to mention he caught Ryo looking at him lately, with those deep black eyes that used to swallow him in the past. He was successfully ignoring them though, hoping they would go away and that Maru didn´t notice. He didn´t want him to be insecure. He still remembered their last conversation about him, and he didn´t like how concerned Maru was:
“You and Ryo are getting along quite nicely lately,” Maru said, sitting on Ueda´s balcony, Ueda´s head in his lap.
“Why do you choose to talk about him in a moment like this?” Ueda whined, hoping Maru would just let it go.
“Sorry, I just realized you two talk and even laugh together now. You came a long way.”
“We grew, that is all.”
“You are not worried anymore about him knowing that you loved him?”
“Loved?” Ueda teased but regretted it when he saw Maru´s look.
“Oh, come on, I am just joking here. I have you now, I don´t need him anymore. And I really think we matured, or rather he did, and if he didn´t tell anyone back then, he won´t now. Besides, what good would it do now to bring it up? He might have even forgotten.”
“Do you think it is so easy to forget that you are loved?”
“Well, he certainly acts like nothing had happened. He doesn´t seem like he hates me anymore.”
“Tatsuya, what if, just maybe, but what if he doesn´t know? What if he didn´t know back then? What if he didn´t find out, somehow?”
“What do you mean?” Ueda was surprised.
“He returned that notebook right away and, well, I have been thinking, and his behavior didn´t really change after that incident. It keeps bugging me that maybe he didn´t read those songs or any songs, that maybe he doesn´t know you loved him.”
“I don´ t think so. He wanted that black notebook so much. He had no reason to stop and return it without reading it.”
“But if that was the case, what would happen to us? I mean, you took his actions as rejection, but what if it was just him being childish, and now he matured as you said?”
“Yuichi, get a grip!” Ueda was getting tired of this discussion, “That black notebook was just a small part of the whole problem. He teased me, mocked me, belittled me, made me feel small and useless all the time. He said he hated me repeatedly, and he never said sorry. Even if he didn’t know, these things still happened, and loving him meant feeling lost and hopeless. I have you, and there are no ifs, no regrets, so stop it.”
Maru looked down at him, Ueda´s eyes were glowing dangerously, and he was determined. Nakamaru wondered when it had happened: Ueda getting this bold and becoming the stronger one in their relationship. He leaned down and kissed him softly.
“Thank you,” he muttered and never mentioned it again.
But now, Ueda wished Ryo wasn´t such a good friend of Jin, and he wished he would stop popping up everywhere he went. He started to feel uneasy, seeing those eyes of his again, and he feared their next conversation, Ryo´s next questions. All of it was getting too intimate.
He wasn´t aware that Ryo didn´t come to their dressing room because of Jin anymore.
Chapter 6, originally posted on 30/4/2009
Beginning of 2009
“Ueda Tatsuya, I like you. No, I love you; I have for a long time now.”
Nishikido was staring at his spent reflection in the mirror. He growled and punched the wall next to it angrily.
“This is so stupid and cheesy and pathetic, and even though I feel like a complete fool saying it, it doesn´t help anymore. I want to tell the real person not my reflection!” He screamed at himself again and sank down beneath the sink, hugging his knees and hiding his head between them.
I am going to go insane, he thought and stayed still like forever before taking a shower and going to bed. It was three in the morning. He had been out in a pub alone, and he overdid it with some stupid whisky. He didn´t care, he needed to forget for at least one night, and as none of his friends was free, he went alone.
The routine in front of the mirror was nothing new. The words changed time to time, but the meaning stayed. It was his form of self-preservation. When he said it looking into the mirror, he felt better for letting it out and at the same time, he saw how unrealistic and pathetic he was. He knew he could not tell the real person now, and seeing how silly he would look doing so, made him more determined to keep silent.
He was watching Ueda really closely lately. Well, it wasn´t like he hadn´t before, but it was escalating. The man might have even noticed as he became a bit jumpy around him again. And that was the last thing Ryo wanted. It had been so hard to get at least a bit closer to him. So he tried to keep it down and lessened the intensity of visiting KATTUN´s dressing room or same places as Ueda did.
Nakamaru knew; he was sure of that. That guy had great instincts, he could tell. Besides, they had this weird meeting about a week ago in the hallway. Nakamaru had appeared in front of him, and Ryo could swear it hadn´t been a coincidence. It felt like the tall man was waiting for him. He looked him down, and Ryo felt like the tall one could see right through him, like he could see all his thoughts. When it was all getting very uncomfortable, Maru looked him straight in the eyes.
“I am glad you and Tat-chan are getting along lately. I hope you continue guarding your tongue in the future as well.”
He then smiled politely, wished him a good day and before Ryo could say a word, he was gone. Nakamaru knew, and that was killing Ryo. Because he knew very well that he had no right to interfere, that he had no right to mess up with those two. He should not destroy what they had.
Who am I kidding, I am not capable of breaking them apart anyway. I would just be a nuisance and a laughing stock maybe. Ryo turned on his bed, not being able to fall asleep.
Watching Ueda taught him a lot. He and Nakamaru had a sweet relationship. They didn´t display it too much, but the caring and the love was visible when they looked at each other, had a lunch in silence during the break, or when one of them just fetched a drink for the other. They were all small gestures, light touches of a hand or a shoulder, but Ryo saw how much they meant, and he was so jealous.
He could see that the man he loved was happy. He just wasn´t happy with him. He could see he was content; it was just aching that Ryo wasn´t the one who made him smile. When he talked to him, he seemed so calm and composed and a bit too formal. Ryo knew that was his fault. He knew that it was because of the past Ueda Tatsuya was still cautious around him and was becoming even more, now Ryo couldn´t control his glances anymore.
*
Ryo was sitting in NEWS dressing room next day, and he was trying to stay as still as possible. That way the hangover didn´t torture him so much. Suddenly Tegoshi bounced inside, and he brought some tapes with him.
“I have old recordings here. Do you want to watch? I want to see, it will be fun.”
Without waiting for a reply from the others, he put the tape on, and it was the Shounen Club where they were guests.
“Oh, I remember this one,” Koyama looked at the screen, “Isn´t it the one where Ryo-chan was the Mister X?”
Ryo looked up sharply, Tegoshi fast forwarded and found the segment. “Oh, you are right Kei-chan.”
“Could you please turn it off?” Ryo demanded.
“Why? Are you embarrassed? It was fun though, you and Ueda fighting was fun. It is so strange seeing you all polite to each other now.”
Ryo just glared at him and fixed his eyes on the screen unwillingly. He really didn´t want to be reminded what a jerk he had been back then. It was pretty clear to him now that, most of the time, he just wanted Tatsuya´s attention. Not that it excused all the insults he had thrown his way.
“Tat-chan was pretty cool here,” Massu said suddenly, “he just ignored you, Ryo-chan. “
“I guess,” Ryo muttered and left the dressing room. Tegoshi had plenty more tapes to go, and he was sure there would be more of him abusing Tatsuya to come.
He didn´t see where he was going, and before he knew it, he knocked someone of their feet.
“Nishikido, watch out!”
“Oh, Ueda,” Ryo trailed off. He was everywhere!!! But he tried to be polite, so he stretched out his hand and helped Ueda back to his feet.
“Thank you,” and Ueda gave him one of his shiny smiles.
“I am sorry,” Ryo blurted out, shaking almost visibly, thinking more about the past than knocking Ueda down just now.
“No problem. Don´t take it too seriously, stop looking like you are on a graveyard,” Ueda noticed the man in front of him was too serious.
“No, I am really sorry,” Ryo said again, not being able to explain more, and just left, leaving a confused Ueda behind.
*
That day Ryo came home and just slammed himself on the carpet next to his sofa. He didn´t know what to do anymore. His head was full of Tatsuya, and he needed to tell him how he felt. Maybe he could just tell him and ask him to ignore it or forget it. He needed to explain somehow how his emotions came about and how sorry he was. And then maybe he would go to Osaka and stay there until Ueda forgets.
I am being a coward, not being able to hold back when I know I should and then running away. But I can´t take it anymore. I am selfish.
*
Ryo was to leave for Osaka the next day to record some songs for a new Kanjani 8 album. He was searching for Ueda whole day long, but it was as if the man had disappeared from the Earth. Ryo felt so tired, not sleeping properly lately. He was disappointed in himself for not being able to manage his own emotions, for not being the master of his will lately.
He needed some fresh air, and as he was closer to the roof than to the ground, he decided to go there. He rarely went, but he really needed a breather right now. He climbed the last stairs and opened the door. When he got up there, he stopped in his track, seeing the man he was looking for right in front of him. The cold air crushed into him, and he could feel the winter wind swirling around him. He felt it was a really appropriate weather for what was to come.
“Hello,” Ueda said politely but visibly surprised. He twitched a little, and Ryo tried to ignore that.
“Hello,” Ryo moved closer, rummaging through his trousers, looking for a letter he was carrying around. He didn´t realize he was standing close enough to touch Ueda now. He raised his head and, meeting Ueda´s confused eyes, he flushed.
“Actually, I was kind of looking for you. I need to tell you something,” Small thud was heard, but neither one of them seemed to notice.
“What is it?” Ueda asked, tensing up a little more.
Ryo took a deep breath, locking his gaze with Tatsuya´s firmly, determined not to even flinch.
“I love you. I know I have no right to tell you, but I love you. I know I am pathetic, but I have been in love with you for a really long time, and I needed you to know.” It was out; now nothing could be taken back.
Tatsuya just stood there, eyes widening, lips slightly parting, but his eyes never leaving Ryo´s. Ryo stretched his hand out and tried to hand a letter to Ueda.
“I don´t want your letter,” Ueda said, finally breaking the eye contact, now looking at the plain white envelope.
Ryo took Tatsuya´s right palm with his left and pushed the letter onto it.
“Please, I need you to know,” he said once again. He turned around and ran down from the roof. He thought he was going to suffocate. He could still see Ueda´s eyes, those big but unreadable eyes, on him, and he could still hear his voice. I don´t want your letter.
Ueda didn´t look at Ryo leaving. Instead he turned bit to the left in the direction of a small boot.
“Yuichi, I know you are here, I saw you coming, so please stop hiding.”
Maru came out, looking dead serious.
“Our practice is starting. I went looking for you,” he couldn´t make any comment on what just happened.
Ueda came close and outstretched his hand.
“Is he playing pranks on me?” He asked, but then his eyes darkened, “I don´t want to read this, help me find a trash can, so I can throw it away.”
“No,” Maru said hastily before he could change his mind. “You should read it. Keep it, and promise me you will read it when you get home today. A person should face other person´s feelings straight on.”
“But Maru?”
Maru didn´t say more, he took Tat-chan´s hand and lead him back to their rehearsal.
*
Ueda came back home, made himself a big cup of tea and seated himself on the couch. He took the white envelope out of his pocket. He had wanted to throw it away but found out he was not able to do so. He turned it around one more time, finally deciding to rip it open and to take out the sheet of paper covered thickly in Ryo´s handwriting. There was no greeting; just the pages were numbered so he knew where to start.
I am a selfish human being, so I will call you Tatsuya now, even though you didn´t let me. I am a selfish human being, but thank you for taking and reading this. Tatsuya.
When I met you few days ago, I said sorry. I write it down one more time now. I am sorry for being a jerk when we were younger. I have no excuse; I was an idiot who spoke faster than he thought. I still do actually. It is just that you have taught me a lesson.
When you had shouted at me that night few days before the countdown, few days before NEWS came back, it was only then I realized I was hurting you. I never thought you were affected so deeply. It was a rude awaking. While I wanted to see you more, you said that if I see you, you would beat me up. I was so scared that night. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to talk to you again. Would you believe me that it was because you shouted back then I realized how much I wanted you in my life? That I love you?
I know I said I hated you. I didn´t mean it. Ok, well I did, you annoyed me by living in your world, by ignoring me. By teasing you, I was close to you, your eyes were on me and that satisfied me. I am a jerk; I am a selfish person. When you started to ignore me completely and you wouldn´t react anymore, I started missing you. We were working so closely back then, and I missed you. I still do.
I will have to apologize to Jin because even though I am glad he came back, and he is my great friend, and I like to spend time with him, I used him only as an excuse for coming to your dressing room. I wanted to see you. I wanted to talk to you. It was so blissful when you finally talked back.
I know you have noticed me staring at you, and I can´t stop anymore. I don’t want you to be scared of me again. I will try to tone it down. I know Nakamaru has noticed as well. I will stop coming to your dressing room. I will try, but I am a selfish person. And I am jealous of Nakamaru. I am jealous because he makes you happy.
I want to be with you. I want to hold you. I want to hug you. I want to make you smile, and I want that smile of yours to be for me. I want to love you.
I will be in Osaka for some time now. You can just forget what I write. I want to be the person you love, but I know I cannot be that. I just couldn´t take it anymore.
I don´t know why I am so attracted to you. I don´t know, why I love you. I don´t know what about you fascinates me. Please, let me be! You know I used to like girls? But now I can think only of you. I wanted to hold back and hide what I feel. I am weak and selfish. Now you know.
I love you Tatsuya, and I know how lame I must have looked when I said so, please forget this pathetic me.
Just as the letter didn´t have any beginning, it didn´t have any ending. Tatsuya just sat there looking down. Ryo spilled all his emotions on him, leaving him perplexed. He felt like a truck just ran over him. The truck full of Ryo´s emotions. And that coward ran away. He timed it well, not facing him again.
He stood up. He attempted to throw the letter away one more time, but he ended up filing it into the black notebook that was still on his book shelf. When he lied down that night and closed his eyes, he was hoping that the sleep would calm him down. He wanted to put it all behind him, so he can face the world with a clean shield tomorrow. But when he curled up, all he could see were dark, deep, captivating eyes. He could see them looking straight at him.
Chapter 7, originally posted on 02/05/2009
Spring 2009
“So what are you going to tell Ryo when he comes back?”
“You know, we never come here anymore. Even though this is one of my favorite places out of all those you have found. What a shame it´s so far away.”
“You will meet each other eventually. You cannot avoid him forever, and he should get a reply from you. You should face this.”
“Why does everything have to be so perfect and solved?”
“Your answer doesn´t have to be perfect. Just tell him what you really think.”
“Don´t you have any predatory instincts? Don´t you have any boyfriend instincts? The guy confessed to me!”
“I love you.”
“Look at who is changing the subject now.”
“I just hate when you are in denial.”
“Why don´t you go talk to him?”
They were sitting on the closed porch of a restaurant Maru found more than 2 years ago. The restaurant changed but didn´t lose its charms. Actually it was even better, as they renovated the interior and bought these nice rattan sofas. The couple was now sitting on one of them. Ueda was leaning against Maru; they were both facing the garden outside, their fingers tangled up, playing games with their thumbs.
“I went to see him, actually,” Maru spoke again.
This really caught Ueda off guard, he expected Maru to be all fussy again.
“You did? When? How? Did you go to Osaka?” He wanted to know more.
“No, silly, it happened about a week before you two met on the roof.”
“Before he said he loved me.”
“Ok, if you insist on saying it that way. It happened about a week before he said he loved you. “
“Are you going to tell me what happened?“
“I knew he was lurking around you like forever; I saw him giving you these looks I didn´t like. I realized something was happening. I mean, you said it yourself that he was pretty weird lately. You too knew he was drawn to you.”
Ueda nodded slowly.”I hoped you didn´t notice. I didn´t want you to be worried.”
“I always thought Nishikido was quite a guarded person. When I noticed him talking to you, hanging on every word you said, on every smile you gave him, I knew. He might have been fighting this for quite a long time before he actually told you.”
“You sound like you are defending him. Are you crazy?”
“I am not defending him; I am just stating the fact. I didn´t like it. I didn´t like it at all, so I waited for him that day.”
“What exactly did you tell him?”
“I told him I was glad you too got along now, and that I hoped he could keep on watching his tongue in the future as well.”
“Maru, you are a king of vague!”
Maru just laughed. Ueda was clenching on his hand and pulling it slightly as if scolding him.
“Sorry, Tat-chan. Now, it´s your turn to tell me. What are you going to do when you meet him?”
Ueda sat up properly and turned to face Maru.
“I will bow politely. I will thank him for his feelings but tell him I am in a relationship with you and that I don´t plan on changing that any time soon. “
“What?”
“Does it sound cheese? I know it looks like a scene from a movie. But I can´t be mean to him. It´s your fault; you made me read that letter.”
“What do you mean?” Maru was a bit alarmed. Even though after the roof confession Ueda made it pretty clear that he was not going anywhere.
“The letter was such a mess. Nishikido is such a mess right now, and even though he said he wanted me, he sounded pretty resigned, defeated. He just needed to tell me.”
Ueda knew how it felt. He too felt relieved when Nishikido found out back then. Even though he had been scared, and he had been crushed when he heard Ryo´s answer, he actually felt like it was better that way. He found it funny how the tables had turned. He wondered if Nishikido maybe hoped to play on his old feelings. It didn´t matter. The letter was just the result of his pent up feelings finally breaking free. He understood that much.
The two men returned to their previous position. Even though their hands were still connected, each of them was far away, lost in his own thoughts.
Nakamaru was thinking two years back, when they had started to date. He knew that back then, Tatsuya still had had feelings for Ryo. But he did everything in his power to change that. He never knew for sure if he wasn´t just a replacement.
Ueda told him he hated Ryo back then.
I hate him even more for always being in my thoughts, for not letting me go.
Tatsuya was really good in being in denial. But when Ryo confessed, he didn´t run after him, instead he kept on reassuring Maru that nothing changed and he would stay with him. Maru wanted him to clean it up with Ryo. He hoped his boyfriend was not in denial again. He wanted to believe that he was the one in his heart now.
I won´t doubt him.
He was glad him and Tat-chan were able to talk things through.
*
Nishikido Ryo was avoiding Ueda Tatsuya. Even other people than the two in question have noticed. It was not like Ueda wanted to meet him that much. He wanted to tell him. He knew Maru wanted him to tell him properly but the man was basically running away from him.
Tatsuya felt a bit hurt by that.
“I don´t bite, for god´s sake,” he muttered to himself as he was getting into the elevator.
“You certainly look like you do right now,” a familiar voice said. The elevator door closed, and he found himself in the same elevator with Masuda. The man was a good friend of Nakamaru, and by now he and Tat-chan were pretty close. He liked his smiley but very down to earth personality.
“Hello, Massu.”
“Hi, Tat-chan. I hear you want to talk to Ryo-chan.”
“Not really, I just have some unfinished business with him.”
Massu smiled knowingly. Ueda wondered how much he knew. Maru probably didn´t tell him, but he could have figured out.
“He cannot drive now, so we take turns taking him home if we can,” Massu said as if he was talking about the weather.
“It is my turn tonight. We are to meet in front of the company at eight, but a friend of mine called me for a dinner. I might just forget,” he said as the door opened.
“No, Massu wait! Are you crazy?” But the man was gone, and the doors were closed.
*
Everybody went home by now. Ueda was still sitting on the couch, not knowing what to do. He knew Massu was dead serious. Either he would take Ryo home, or he would wait uselessly and take a train, or he would have to take a taxi.
Why should I care?
He needed to tell him too sentences; he did not want to drive him home. He was very happy not seeing Ryo. That way his eyes were not hunting him, and he could forget about the emotions that letter contained and those it stirred.
Ueda felt blessed for being loved by Maru, and he liked him back with all his might. They had a good relationship, they suited each other. It was calm loving, and Maru spoiled him just the right amount. He felt respected and treasured.
Ryo was his first big love. The love that stayed unrequited, so he never knew if it would work out in real life. But he was sure it would have been much more turbulent than what he had with Maru. Wondering how it would turn out was the only reason why he had been wavering for few days after he read the letter. But every time he saw Maru, when they spent time with each other, he did not want to leave.
He cursed Massu for the last time, picked up his bag and his car keys and went downstairs. It was half past eight. When he got out of the building, he could see Ryo pacing in the parking lot. He was trying to call someone, but ,seeing the angry gesture when he closed his cell phone, Ueda was pretty sure he did not succeed.
He came closer to the man and took a breath.
“Massu is not coming today, I´ll take you home tonight, and we can discus witch one of us is going to beat him up tomorrow.”
Ryo looked startled, but he didn´t run this time. It was more like he was rooted to the spot. When Ueda didn´t say more and just started to walk to his car, he finally spoke, shouting after the man.
“I am fine, I will take the train.” And when the other didn´t react, he added, “Thanks for the info, and I will take care of Massu tomorrow.”
Only now, when Ueda unlocked his car, he turned around, taking few fast steps towards Ryo. He grabbed his elbow and started dragging him to his car.
“I am not happy with what he did, but it took me whole day to decide whether I would take you home or not. I do need to talk to you. So you just shut up and do not interfere with me right now.”
He opened the car door and hurled a pouting Ryo inside his car. When the engine was on, he turned to Ryo to ask for the address. The man was sitting there, head down, legs and arms crossed in such a defensive position it was unbearable. He muttered his street name and looked out of the window.
“I don´t bite.” was all Ueda said as he drove out of a parking lot.
They stayed quiet while driving. Ueda turned the radio on, and when a song he liked came on, he hummed it nervously; he figured it was better to talk only when they stopped.
He parked the car and turned to Ryo. He was still looking down but was collecting his bag, getting ready to leave now.
“I read your letter,” Tatsuya said. “Maru made me,” he admitted.
“Thank you for the ride. I will take care of Massu,” and Ryo was running away.
Ueda got mad. He leaped out of the car and chased Ryo.
“You coward, stop running away.”
He caught him few steps away from the entrance.
“Do not make a scene, Nishikido,” his voice was low and dangerous. “If you can tell me how you feel, I have the same right.”
“I told you to forget it. I can tell how you feel. Go back to your boyfriend. I do not need you crashing me. I have had enough. Let me go!”
“You have had enough? Of what? What have I done to you? You were the one staring at me past half of the year at least, freaking me out. Hell by what you wrote, you have been staring for years now.”
“And I said I would stop. Now let go!” Ryo tugged on his right arm that was firmly in Tatsuya´s grip. Freeing himself, he ran into the apartment building. Ueda was still right behind him.
The taller man managed to slip into the elevator right before it closed. Ryo looked at him furiously, and he turned to face the wall. Ueda was just so furious with this man always running away. He turned him around angrily, placing his hands in between Ryo´s arm and his body, one on each side of him.
“You needed your release, now I need mine, and then we are done.”
Ryo looked at him, eyes sad, frightened, but determined, his voice was still trembling when he spoke.
“I don´t want to see you. I don´t want to be near you, and if YOU come near me, I’ll show you what they have been teaching me in a boxing gym lately.”
Ueda was stunned hearing his own words from years ago. But Ryo was not done.
“I don´t go to a boxing gym, but I bet I can take you on. Ueda Tatsuya, leave me alone, so I can wallow and then get on with my life,” he breathed heavily. His heart was racing; the man he loved was so near to him, he could just lean to the front and kiss him. It would be so simple.
Ueda was startled. Ryo was letting him go. He was chasing him away.
“I love you,” he heard him saying, “I beg you, leave me alone, so I won´t hurt you again. I know you want me to give up on you.”
Ueda´s heart was pounding. He could hear it, feel it. He was losing control; he was losing his breath. He felt himself leaning closer to the man that he was so mad at few seconds ago; he could feel his scent, his skin was millimeters away, their bodies already meeting each other.
Suddenly the elevator stopped, and the door opened. They were on Ryo´s floor. They froze, none of them moved. The door closed again, and the elevator went black. No one called it, so they were not moving either.
Ueda pulled away slowly, releasing Ryo who slid to the floor. Head in his hands. Ueda searched for a button and managed to push the right one, opening the door, and the light went on again.
He took Ryo by his shoulders, pulled him up and shoved him into the elevator door. He stepped back, bowed slightly.
“Thank you for your feelings. But I am with Maru now, and I do not plan on leaving him, he takes care of me.“
Ryo stumbled to the back, leaving the elevator for good. The door started to close. He looked up and saw Tatsuya leaning against the wall looking at him, flushed and tears in his eyes. Just the way he used to look back then, when Ryo had teased him.
The door closed completely, Ryo turned around and headed for his door. He entered his apartment, not turning the light on. He headed to the bathroom and, still in the dark, just by the touch and a memory, he found the sink. He washed his face. Then leaving the water running, he collapsed on the floor. His hands were ruffling his hair violently. Maybe he should fight. Maybe he shouldn´t give up. He didn´t have any strength left, he was crying openly where no one could see him.
Chapter 8, originally posted on 04/05/2009
Spring 2009
“Now Tat-chan, will you tell me what have you done to my Ryo-chan?” Jin was bouncing around their dressing room.
“Nothing.”
“I don´t believe you. If you did nothing, why is he avoiding this place as if an instant death awaited him here? Also, every time I ask him to go somewhere, he asks if you are going to be there, and if I say yes, he declines. You have clearly done something to him.”
“Why don´t you ask him, if you are so sure?” Ueda was getting annoyed. He wanted Jin to drop the subject. He himself was trying really hard not to come across the said man, and he was grateful he had done the same.
Well he asked me to get lost, so what did I expect?
Jin was suddenly really close to him.
“I did ask him, but he wouldn´t tell me anything. He said it was nothing.”
“Then why don´t you believe him?”
“Because Pi says he looks like a truck just run over him all the time, and he seems like has not been sleeping. And you two were getting along lately, so something must have happened.”
Ueda finally looked up properly, wondering if it would be too dangerous to ask whether Ryo´s friends keep him healthy. Nakamaru chose that moment to interfere.
“Jin, why don´t you let it go for now? I am sure that either Nishikido or Tat-chan would tell if there was something to tell. Or they simply do not think it is something to brag about.”
“Maru! You know something! That is not fair!”
Maru just rolled his eyes and was about to get some drinks when Jin spoke again, effectively making Maru jolt and stumble.
“I know! Ryo-chan said he secretly loved you, and now it´s all awkward ´cause you and Maru.”
Ueda turned white, Maru turned red and Jin´s phone rang, making him completely forget what he had just said or what he was trying to find out. He picked it up and skipped out of the room.
Maru turned around to face Ueda. The man was looking at the floor, shoulders down and face still white as chalk.
“You know, maybe you could tell me what exactly happened that night. I believe you, but why is it so hard for you two to even greet each other, to even stay in the same room?”
“Maru!?” Ueda pleaded, but then he looked up, his eyes full of determination.
“I really told him what I had promised you to tell him. It´s just that it was hard to make him listen. He did not want to. He kept running away from me. So I shouted some, and we fought some. It was just a bit more dramatic than it was necessary. A little nostalgic actually, just like the old times,” Ueda had this small sad smile on his face.
“But he asked me, he begged me, to leave him alone and to not show my face. Maru, he chased me away. I try to do what he asked of me, and he does too. We all just need time for this to pass.”
Maru looked at his boyfriend. He was looking at him earnestly. But the tall man felt like he was trying too much to look like everything was just fine. He felt like Ueda was hurt. Maru had that feeling for some time now. Ever since his boyfriend went to talk to Ryo. And now it felt like he finally found out the reason.
Could it be that Ryo hurt Tatsuya by telling him off? By asking him to leave him alone? But that would mean …
Maru tried hard to overlook the thought forming in his head. He came close to Tatsuya and hugged him tightly. He lifted his chin and looked him into the eyes.
“Thank you for telling me properly, I am sorry for prying too much.”
“No, you shouldn´t be sorry for asking this. It´s just …” Ueda trailed away.
The reason why he didn´t want to tell was because he felt like he would betray Ryo somehow if he did. He felt like he would expose Ryo´s most vulnerable place by telling, and he did not want to. Besides, he would rather forget that night. He wanted to forget hurt in Ryo´s eyes that night. Because it was him who had hurt him.
It can´t be helped, I made a decision. I should be strong. I have no regrets. He told himself and snuggled closer to Maru. He missed the sadness that overcame the other man.
*
Their last concert in Tokyo has ended. The last for now. They would move to Osaka soon and then back to Tokyo for few more. They were given two days off before starting to prepare for Osaka. Different stage meant changes, so there was a lot of work still ahead of them. Today, the concert was quite enjoyable although it felt a bit like they were a serial production. One concert after another at the same place, too fast to appreciate it fully.
Ueda took his shower as the last one. Never the less, he was already dressed, and he was collecting his things. He brought quite a lot over a week they spent in this dressing room, and he was contemplating on how to take it all back. He tried really hard not to think about a man standing in front of their dressing room.
Ryo came to watch their concert. He came with Yamapi to support them. They came to the first and now to the last concert. And they were pulling Jin to celebrate, Koki already said he would go to. While Yamapi was all comfortable, sitting in their dressing room, Ryo was outside, probably leaning against the wall next to the door. His shadow could be seen through the glass part of it.
Ueda sighed. He was happy that those two didn´t come up during their MC tonight as they had done the first time around. At that time, Ueda retreated to the back and just stood there silently while others were chatting happily. Maru was doing a good job managing the conversation, keeping it understandable as Jin, Yamapi and Ryo could easily have gone out of control. Even though it was short, Ueda felt like it was the longest MC ever.
The shadow stirred a bit, and Ueda guessed Ryo was getting quite impatient. He had been waiting for quite a long time now. Ueda ran a hand through his hair and took few steps towards the door. He opened them and all the attention turned to him.
“Are you leaving already?” A confused Kame asked.
“No, I am nowhere close to being packed. I brought too many things over the week.” He gave Kame a quick look and stuck his head out of the room before he lost his courage.
“Maybe you should just come in. I think it is going to take a while before they will be ready. It is the last day, and we need to take everything with us. Besides you were on your feet the whole concert.” He was looking at Ryo, who just stood there visibly dumbfounded.
Ueda came back to their dressing room before Ryo could say anything, leaving the door open. On the other side of the wall, Ryo tried to breath again. He knew Ueda was right and he was getting tired. Maybe he could try again.
The room was completely silent when he came in. People had been wondering what happened between those two for a very long time. Ueda approaching Ryo like this and Ryo actually doing what he was asked to was more than surprising. Kame was watching Ueda, Jin was watching Ryo, and Pi tried to watch both at the same time. Ryo took the chair closest to the entrance. It looked like he was going to run away any minute now. Ueda, on the other hand, was piling up all his stuff, not looking at what the other man was doing. He looked like he couldn´t care less. He even cursed under his breath when he saw his bag was already full and plenty of stuff still wasn´t packed.
“Jin, move your ass, how long can it take to dry one´s hair?” Koki broke now uncomfortable silence.
“I second that; you should just shave your head like Koki. Life would be so much easier,” Pi was helping him. Jin was pouting and the conversation started to flow again.
The four of them left pretty soon, Ryo practically running out of the room. He realized nothing changed and seeing Tatsuya made his heart pound, his breath shortened, and he needed to get out. Others too were almost done packing and soon, it was only Nakamaru and Ueda in the room.
Ueda finally managed to pack all his things. Maru was done before him, so he was waiting patiently. He kept silent for a while now, all he did was observe.
“I am ready, shall we go?”
“Yeah, are you hungry? “
“I don´t know. I can´t feel it, I still have plenty of adrenaline going through my veins.”
Maru just nodded. “Then can you just drop me off at home tonight? I am dead tired, and I promised to meet with my family tomorrow, so I should go to bed.”
“Sure, no problem. Let´s go.”
They walked out in silence, got in the car, and Ueda drove Nakamaru home. It was not something unusual, they were tired, and it was natural for them to spend some time in silence. Just that Ueda felt this time it was a bit heavier not to talk. He stopped in front of Maru´s apartment building and leaned to kiss him good night.
Maru was about to close the door, but then he bent and stuck his head in for the last time.
“I was thinking, would you meet me tomorrow afternoon? Maybe in that park near you? The usual bench?”
“Sure. What time?!"
“Five pm? If my family keeps me longer I´ll call you. Ok?”
“Ok, I will be waiting. See you then. “
Maru smiled and shut the door. He turned around and walked off, never turning around. Something was wrong, Ueda could tell. Was it really such a big deal, him calling Ryo in? Or was something else bothering Maru? He was especially quiet lately. Ueda had asked him if something was happening, but Maru always shrugged it off, saying he was just tired from long rehearsals and then intense concerts. They all were, so Ueda let it be. But now, he was sure that was not the problem. He drove away and started to fear tomorrow.
*
Ueda was sitting in the park for 30 minutes already. He was 2O minutes early, and Maru was 10 minutes late. The man didn´t call him though, so Ueda expected him to come anytime soon. He took out his blue notebook and started to scribble some lyrics down. He didn´t know Maru was watching him for some time now, still hesitating, still wondering.
Ueda suddenly looked up, cold shiver running up his spine. He felt like someone was watching, so he turned his head around. Only now had Maru realized he was making the other man wait, so he began walking towards him. The moment Ueda saw him, he smiled his happy smile. Maru´s heart fluttered, and again he hesitated.
“Hi, how did it go?” Tatsuya asked, head tilting to the side.
“Fine, they are proud of me, as always. They made me feel better about me. You know, seeing my mom´s look.”
“Yeah, they are supporting you very much.”
Maru sat next to Ueda. He watched the kids playing and random passersby enjoying the weather.
“Yuichi?”
“Hmmm?”
“Do you have something to tell me? If so, can you please do it already?”
“Oh, you noticed? I guess you know me too well.”
“Right back at you,” Ueda smiled, he was hoping nothing bad would come next.
Maru shifted nervously. He was not able to look at Ueda. His head was already hurting.
“I think we should break up.”
Ueda stood up, quickly, as if something stung him. He looked at Nakamaru, shock and tears in his eyes. He then dropped his shoulders and sank back to the bench.
“Oh.” That´s all he said.
They stayed silent. Maru could hear Ueda sobbing next to him; he was trying really hard to stop. Suddenly, he stood up again. He stepped in front of Nakamaru and lifted his chin. His eyes were sad, but there was strength in them.
“I won´t let you break up with me. You don´t really want to. You just want to play a hero again. Look at me. Look me straight into the eyes and tell me again. Until then, I won´t believe you. “
Once again, Nakamaru realized how strong the man in front of him had become. He forced himself not to look away and said, trying to keep his voice steady.
“I am breaking up with you.”
Ueda flinched a little but kept his gaze on Maru.
“Why?”
“Because I don´t think I can be with you anymore?”
“Why?”
“Because … because of Nishikido,” He could not tell anything else.
“So you don´t believe me, when I tell you I want to be with you? You don´t believe me, when I tell you that you make me happy. That you are the one I see my future with?”
“I do believe you.”
“Then we are not breaking up,” Ueda said firmly.
Nakamaru stood up.
“We are. I cannot take it anymore. I keep thinking I am just the replacement. I keep thinking my job is done, now that Ryo loves you back. I keep seeing things that might not be there. I keep thinking you should be with him and not with me. He is hurting, and you are trying too much to stay calm, to persuade me and yourself that everything is just fine. I think you are not your true self with me. Never mad at me, never shouting, always so calm and composed. He brings out the worst and the best in you. I cannot take it anymore.”
Ueda tried to say something, but Maru didn´t let him just yet.
“You are hurting Tatsuya, Nishikido is hurting. This is the best thing to do,” he needed to breath, and he needed to sit down.
He was falling back to the bench, but Ueda caught him, took him by his shoulders and shook him, not so gently.
“What about you, Yuichi? Are you telling me this is not hurting you? That it´s fine giving up on me? Why do you always care about others more than you care about yourself? I love you for that, but just this one time, can´t you be selfish? Why don´t you take me and keep me? Why do you push me away instead? Why do you give me up? Fight for me, fight with him, and I will fight with you.”
Ueda was running out of air, but he was not done just yet.
“Why did you keep silent if this was bothering you? I asked you, didn´t I? Why didn´t you talk to me, when you were doubting me? I would prove myself. I will prove myself. I will shout, cry, I will be mean and spoiled brat if that´s what you want me to be.”
“It´s not what I want you to be, it´s what you need to be.”
“I am what I need to be. I am what I am because you are with me. Because you are by my side, I can take things calmly, I can face anything. I don´t need to shout or scream. You are not a replacement. Do you think I would waste more than two years on a replacement. Why do you belittle us so? Why are you leaving me?”
“Because I don´t believe in us anymore,” Maru himself didn´t know if this was true or not. He didn´t know anything anymore, seeing Ueda clinching to him like this. He inhaled sharply, trying to regain the control over his body. He pushed Ueda´s arms away.
“I can´t be together with you anymore. I am not as strong as you are. We are over.” Maru stepped to the side and started to walk away. He turned around for the last time. He saw Ueda was looking at him, he was shivering, his face was pale, his lips were trembling.
“I am so sorry, Tatsuya. You should look inside your heart because I think that Ryo is still in there somewhere. And I cannot share.”
Suddenly he thought of something. He came back and took the blue notebook from the bench where it laid forgotten. He opened it on the first page. He took it between his fingers and pulled. The page tore away and stayed in his hand. Page with his stapled song.
“Please let me have this. And let me buy you a new one of these.”
He was about to leave, when Ueda grabbed his elbow. Maru turned to face him again.
“I am not going to him,” Tatsuya´s voice was cold, and it was piercing through Maru even though he was only whispering.
Maru yanked away from him.
“I am so sorry,” he said again and this time, he didn´t turn around.
Ueda sank back into the bench. He couldn’t move, he couldn´t even cry. Everything was falling apart. It was only fitting that it started to rain.
~
tbc
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