Multichapter: He knew (chapters 1 - 4)
Title: He knew
Pairing: Ryoda, Maruda
Chapters: 1 - 4
Rating: PG
Summary: Ryo mocked Ueda all the time, but time has passed. Ueda got stronger and is in a relationship now. Ryo might not be able to mend what he has broken in the past. Very unplanned multichap.
No beta
A/N This has been posted on my journal in the form of 13 chapters, but they were quite short at least at the beginning), and I am a bit lazy to create a new post for each chapter. Thus I will group them by probably 4 chapters per entry, I am keeping the original structure though, so you get one cut per chapter.
Chapter 1, originally posted on 16/04/2009
Beginning of 2005
“You are a complete girl Ueda. No wonder you are not popular at all. I mean, who else writes a diary?”
“It´s not a diary.”
“Please, what else would it be? I see you writing stuff in there all the time.”
“It is not a diary, Nishikido. Now, leave me alone!”
“What do you write in there? <>,” Ryo was saying in a high pitched voice, laughing.
Ueda was sitting in the hallway, waiting for the rest of KATTUN to show up, so they can go for an interview. They had agreed to meet in front of the company building, but it had been raining, so he went in and texted them. They were all late by now. To kill the time, he took out his notebook and started to scribble some lyrics that came across his mind.
He forgot about everything else, but then Nishikido showed up and started mocking him. Nothing new, but he was going too far this time. Ryo was trying to snatch the notebook away from Ueda now, but so far he managed to protect it.
“How do you even know how often do I write in it? Are you stalking me? Do not forget you are supposed to hate me, so you shouldn´t take much interest in what I do in my spare time.”
“I couldn´t care less. I just think it would be a good laugh to read it. Now give it! If it is not a diary, you don´t have to hide it.”
“It is not a diary. How many times do I have to tell you?” Ueda was shouting now.
“Then what is it? Prove it, prove that you are not lying!” Ryo didn´t stay quiet either.
“These are my songs, my lyrics I work on, and it is personal. I never show it to anyone.”
“That is not true. You perform your songs, so you show it to someone. If they are just songs, then show it.”
Ueda was standing on a seat now, his arm stretched into the air, trying to keep the diary out of Ryo´s reach. He was thankful that the man was a bit shorter than he was, but it was getting dangerous as Ryo tried to push him off of the seat.
“I only show the ones that are ready. Song is a delicate thing, and it is a part of me. I would rather let everyone read my diary than let them see my songs. They are personal; I do not want anyone to belittle them. You are the last person in this world to which I would show them. You will not mock my songs!”
But Ueda lost the battle. Ryo finally pushed him down from the chair, and he lost his balance, and when he tried to protect himself from getting hurt, Ryo snatched the black notebook away from him, winning grin on his face.
“Now, we will see!”
“Give it back!”
“No. See you later Ueda. Your band is here. You better go, or they´ll get soaked, and you don´t want them to hate you as well.”
“Nishikido!” Ueda shouted for the last time, but Ryo was running away, and he just fell to the ground one more time, head in his hand, terror in his heart.
“What is going on?” Nakamaru was patting him gently, helping him stand up.
“Now, he will know. Maru, he will know now …” That was all Ueda managed to mumble as the rest of the group arrived, confused, asking what was going on, and then they were called by their manager and taken to the interview.
Meanwhile, Ryo sat down in NEWS dressing room, content smirk on his face. He was holding the notebook that he was interested in for months now. It will be so much fun to read Ueda´s diary. He was sure about it.
The notebook was simple black, a bit worn out by now, a very thick one, and you could tell loads was written in it already. Ryo had noticed it about 6 months ago when they had some shooting together with KATTUN. From then on, he watched Ueda and realized that he would pull it out in the most awkward moments and start writing something feverishly.
It had to be a diary that the strange man kept, and Ryo was very much interested in what he wrote in it. He wanted to know what that weirdo was thinking, how much of his appearance was a game and how much he really was the lunatic he seemed to be. Although he had to say that the hair was getting better recently.
So when he had seen Ueda sitting alone with his notebook, he saw an opportunity, and he took it. He didn´t mind hurting Ueda in the process, physically or mentally. He got what he wanted.
He opened it carefully. Before he could start reading, he noticed something on the very bottom left side still on the hard binding. The letters written carefully, so they could be read by everyone.
Lyrics/Music
If you find this notebook, please return it to Ueda Tatsuya. Thank you
So it was true, this wasn´t a diary after all. It seemed Ueda didn´t want to lose this notebook, and it seemed what he was saying was true and not a lie to cover up what he was ashamed of. Ryo´ s heartbeat got faster. He would see not Ueda´s thoughts, but his talent. He would see what the fuzz of him being a great songwriter was all about.
Out of nowhere, he heard Ueda in his head.
“These are my songs, my lyrics I work on, and it is personal. I never show it to anyone.”
Who cares, he thought, but again, before he could turn the page, he remembered.
“I only show the ones that are ready. Song is a delicate thing and it is a part of me, I would rather let everyone read my diary than let them see my songs. They are personal; I do not want anyone to belittle them. You are the last person in this world to which I would show them. You will not mock my songs!”
He couldn´t do it after all. He shut the book and took it to the KAT-TUN´s dressing room. He found a piece of paper - a receipt of some kind and left a message on it, leaving it carelessly on top of the notebook.
Maybe I could ask him nicely sometimes. I really want to know, but I guess he should have a say in this, he thought and left the dressing room.
Maru understood what Ueda meant when he said Ryo would know. He had know for some time now that Ueda was, for some inexplicable reason, in love with Nishikido Ryo. It was true, the notebook was not a diary, but Ueda was very careful when writing his songs. He would always put down not only the lyrics or the music that came into his mind, but also the moments when it happened, the circumstances. He would describe the places, the mood. He would mention the people who inspired him, or the words that set him off. That way, he could go back and recall everything if he needed to. And because of that, there were more than enough mentions of that annoying man in Ueda´s notebook. Maru was sure of it.
He stayed with Ueda all day long, trying to cheer him up, talking about nothing and everything or just staying silent next to him when he saw Ueda had had enough.
They came back to the dressing room, opening the door and creating a bit of draft. When Ueda came in last, he noticed the notebook on the table. He shut the door loudly and swiftly, creating some more air waves, and ran to it.
He took it, examined it closely. Nothing was ripped, nothing was destroyed, it looked almost untouched. He took it and hugged it, determined to never let something like this happen again. But his mind was restless all the same. He knew.
The receipt lied under the table forgotten, never to be discovered.
Chapter 2, originally posted on 18/04/2009
Still 2005
Pi blinked and was completely stunned; he had a hard time passing the word back to KAT-TUN on the VTR after hearing what that idiot Ryo did. AGAIN. Telling everyone he hated Ueda, repeatedly, again.
He just stood there rooted to the spot after the camera stopped. The last words that were recorder were again: “I hate Ueda”.
“What´s wrong?” Ryo asked. He was quite cheerful.
“What are you doing Ryo- chan? Don´t you think it is enough?” Others just watched them.
“Enough?”
“Since when is Ueda in NEWS? But you know that is not the point. What you just did was stupid, not to mention you are being a coward.”
“Excuse me? I just had some fun; besides it´s not something new, is it? Fans like the thrill.”
“I think you are going too far, insulting him all the time, on national TV, and now without giving him a chance to react. It´s low."
“Please, just chill out. I actually did him a favor just now. He doesn´t talk when KAT-TUN anchors this way. He will at least have more screen time.”
“How do you think he will feel when they watch our message, and your message will be that you hate him. I don´t think he asked for a favor like that.”
“Pi, really, what has gotten in to you? It´s just Ueda. He will be fine; he will just go back to his own world. He might not even notice.”
“I think you are hurting him, and you are hurting your reputation as well. Some people in the company think you went too far and that you should apologize. And after what you did today, I happen to think the same.”
“I am not having this conversation,” Ryo stormed out, mad at NEWS leader for sticking his nose where it didn´t belong. Uchi went after him, but seeing his mad face, he didn´t say anything.
“Why should I care about what Ueda feels when he sees the video? It was fun, and the VTR will be a success; that is all that matters. Besides that guy didn´t even thank me last time.”
Uchi had no idea what Ryo was rambling about, and Ryo realized just now that he was mad at the guy because Ueda had no reaction to him returning the notebook.
*
Few days later, it was Maru´s turn to be stunned when watching the VTR as they were taping their part of Shounen Club.
On screen, Ueda took it quite calmly. After much poking from others, he just said something about trying to improve their relationship, and the show went on.
Maru thought that what Ryo did was low, and he said so to Ueda after the show. Ueda looked up and gave him a sad smile as a response.
“I guess this is his answer. Well, I thought it would be worse. I thought he would out me and laugh at me in front of everyone. Saying it like this, it is actually quite a gentle way of doing it.”
“Please, don´t be silly! If this really was his answer to knowing how you feel about him, and if this is how he decided to tell you, then it is even lower than I thought. Because no matter what, you should face the emotion of the other human being straight on.”
“Maru, just let it be,” and with that Ueda left.
He was quite down after the notebook incident, and even though his heart burned and ached badly, he was happy he finally knew, what he thought was, Ryo´s answer. And he thought that it really was better this way because he could not face him properly, and he could not imagine Ryo telling him face to face.
To know the answer is always better than to float in insecurities, feeding the slightest signs of hope and then sinking back to misery. It is better to have the heart broken now than later on.
Now I know, and I will give up and learn how to live with it.
Ironically, he was the witness to Ryo as mister X few days later, but he could cope. It was actually a bit funny. Ryo just couldn´t take it and pretty much gave himself away by coming down on him when he was still hidden. When asked if Ryo says mean things or kind ones, Ueda just said kind. Maybe because he wished so, or maybe because he knew, he actually did so, at least to others.
Most of their conversations were just greetings now as Ueda couldn´t hide from Ryo forever. He didn´t understand why Ryo never told anyone what he found out in his black notebook, but he was grateful for that. Even though he was rejected, or so he though, Ryo not making a sensation out of it made him think even better of the said man. It was very hard to fall out of love when the other person was so high in your eyes.
*
That summer, the company had decided it was about time for them to be officially friends, thus only confirming Yamapi´s words from back then. Ueda wrote the letter and read it, hoping to make Ryo understand at least a bit. He really meant it when he said he respected him. Ryo, on the other hand, turned the whole letter into fun. As usual. But after that, Ueda felt like everything was over.
He and Maru were having a lunch in Osaka after the shooting.
“So, how was it today?” Maru asked.
Ueda didn´t really want to talk about it. “I liked the comedy battle a lot, you know, it was a valiant fight.”
“Ah, I know we are no match to Yamada, but that´s ok. Me and Koki, we always have fun.”
“Yeah,” Ueda felt way too good to have any conversation; he just wanted to enjoy the sun here in Osaka.
“You got much stronger, you know,” Maru said suddenly, apparently he didn´t want to give up.
“Well, I had to. It was kind of embarrassing to get teary on national TV just because someone said something mean. I guess I can thank Ryo, I mean Nishikido, for that.”
Maru looked at him intently, “You still love him?”
“I do,” there was no point in lying to Maru. He noticed himself, and once Ueda admitted, he did nothing but help him whenever Ueda needed support or a companion.
“But you know, there is no way we can be together. He made that pretty clear, and I think it is time to give up on the hope. Maybe it is even good he knows how I fell; I don´t have any regrets.”
“You really got stronger,” was all Maru said.
But something didn´t feel right. Maru thought it was weird that Ryo didn´t change his behavior almost at all after taking that notebook from Ueda; he also didn´t keep it that long.
Could it be he didn´t read it?
But he knew Ueda didn´t want to discuss this topic at all, and he respected this wish of his. Besides, he was pleased by Ueda´s decision to give up. In his opinion, Nishikido didn´t deserve him, and one good deed of his, his not telling the whole world how Ueda felt, would not change his mind.
Chapter 3, originally posted on 20/04/2009
October 2006
,“So, now you are all done for, without that idiot.” Ryo was eyeing him with a glee.
“Don´t call him an idiot, and we are just fine.”
“Really? You don´t look fine to me.”
“Just go away, Nishikido. It´s not like you are having the time of your life either.”
“What do you mean by that?” Ryo snapped, “Nothing´s wrong with me.”
“Right, and Akanishi Jin will appear in those doors any minute now. You are screwed up much more than I am.”
“How dare you …”
Ueda just left. It was his policy now not to let Ryo get to him, and he ignored him for most of the time.
Ryo just looked at his back, corners of his eyes dropping.
Ueda wasn´t what he had used to be. It wasn´t fun to tease him anymore since he just ignored Ryo now. He was cold as ice and his voice would never tremble anymore. His cheeks were never flushed, his eyes never glittered. Ryo knew it was a bit sadistic that he liked that look on Ueda. That sight of him being angry and a bit helpless was the big part of the reason he never really stopped mocking the other, not even after he was told to.
Besides, it was not like he was trying to mock the other today. He just stated the fact. He could see KT-TUN was pretty much out of it. He thought that, somehow, he might distract the other man, but it ended up all wrong. It ended up with Ueda stating the truth about his state of mind and then basically sending him to hell. He missed teasing Ueda. He tried not to think about him too much.
I actually miss talking to him, this ignoring is killing me. What has gotten into me?
*
Ueda went up to the rooftop and sat down close to the edge, so he could get a better view on what was going down there. Not that he cared.
This year KAT-TUN has debuted. Finally, all of them had been getting inpatient. How long would they be overlooked? But then, after it finally happened, that stupid, thoughtless, carefree idiot Jin decided to leave everyone behind, and he went to US to do god knew what.
So Ryo was right; they were pretty much screwed, or at least it felt like it.
On the other hand, he was right as much as Ryo was.
Uchi and Kusano had been demoted, and no one really knew if they would ever be able to come back. As if that wasn´t enough, Johnny had decided NEWS would take some kind of collective responsibility, or what, and he suspended the entire band. It was a mystery how and when they would come back.
So Ryo was screwed. Ueda knew he was better off than most of his band mates. He still had Kanjani8; he was still a popular actor, so he had much more work than the others. But since Jin left, Ueda felt sorry for him even more. For all he knew, Uchi was his best friend or maybe even more, and now he was out of his everyday life, and it all must have been shocking and hard on Ryo.
He knew because Jin leaving was shocking and hard on Ueda, and they probably weren´t as close as Ryo and Uchi. And Jin was coming back, there was no telling when, but Ueda was sure he would come back. Uchi on the other hand … Also, Jin was Ryo´s good friend, but Ueda doubted Jin had told him that he was leaving. Ryo definitely had more to deal with than he had.
He hated himself for following all the events in Ryo´s life this much. He felt for him more than he thought was healthy. He wanted to tell him everything would be fine, and that was just unacceptable because he was moving on. Right, for a year now, he was moving on, but nothing changed really. When NEWS got suspended, and Ryo didn´t have as much opportunities to go to Tokyo or to perform with KAT-TUN or to be somewhere close to them, Ueda realized he missed the black-haired man. He missed his eyes, his voice, his smirk even his snarky comments. They were getting really scarce, and he wanted all of it back. Even if it meant hurting.
What are you thinking? You idiot, you should be happy he doesn´t make you sad anymore.
The door opened, and he knew it was Nakamaru. He was glad the tall one had found him; he would distract him for sure.
“What are you doing up here?”
“Ah, just contemplating about what will happen next.”
“With KAT-TUN you mean?”
“I guess. That and everything else in general.”
“We´ll be fine. It will be the 5 of us for now, and then I think Jin will come back. You know, one day he will run out of money, if nothing else.”
Ueda laughed; it was a funny thought - Jin coming back a poor man.
“I don´t think he will last that long without us,” he was smiling already; Maru was great.
“I hope so,” Maru said half serious half jokingly, and they laughed some more. It was great, here, on the roof all the worries disappeared.
*
Maru was waiting for him in front of their company.
“So, do you feel like eating with me tonight?” He asked seemingly completely carelessly.
“Sure. Do you have something particular in mind?”
“Actually, I found this place, and I think you will like it.”
They were sitting in a winter garden of a restaurant. It was actually a closed porch that was built around the entire house, and they have been seated in a small section with only one more table. One could watch the wind outside and enjoy the vegetation inside, nice contrast to it. Maru knew what Ueda liked. They had had a dinner and now they were waiting for a desert. Ueda turned his chair away from the table, so that he faced the window completely and just watched the outside, passers-by.
When he turned to Maru to tell him something, he caught the man watching him, or rather staring at him, with this unreadable expression on his face.
“Is something wrong? “
“Oh, no, nothing´s wrong, I just got lost in my thoughts.” Maru looked startled.
After Ueda turned back to look out of the window, Maru spoke up again:
“You know, I saw you going through that black notebook yesterday, and I thought you might miss Jin even more than we do. He used to compose with you or give you an opinion.”
“Yeah he did. It was nice. Although, I showed him only the so called final versions, not the scribblings before. But it felt nice to show someone. Otherwise those songs would be too useless, if no one but me ever heard them.”
There was silence, and the desert was brought. Ueda took the plate into his hand,and still staring out of the window, he dug in.
“This is great, Maru, you are the best. You showed me a great place again,” he didn´t know how much effort the looking for it had actually taken. “How come you always stumble upon places I like?”
Maru smiled; he was happy Ueda felt comfortable. He mustered up some courage.
“I am not Jin, and if you don´t want to, I will understand …” He took a deep breath and caught Ueda´s attention; the man turned his head to him.
“If you feel like you want to show your song to someone, you can count on me. I won´t be much of a help though,“ Maru attempted a small smile.
Ueda on the other hand smiled widely, it was so cute - Maru blushing like this.
“Sure, I´ll let you know, if I feel like it.”
*
Next time Ryo teased Ueda, Ueda seemed to not even notice. He just stood next to Ryo as if he was not talking to him at all, waiting for a director to call him. Ryo gave up and stopped, deciding silence was better than him talking to a wall that Ueda seemed to be.
But then he thought about that notebook from back then. He was still curious about it, and he realized he hadn´t seen it for a long time.
The fact was Ueda was careful as hell around Ryo. He would never pull it out, when he was near him or he thought he might show up in their dressing room. He hardly ever pulled it out, when they were in KAT-TUN´s room; too afraid Ryo might see it and decide to do something stupid.
Suddenly, he heard Ryo asking, almost whispering:
“Ueda, do you still have that notebook of yours? Do you remember? The black one that I took from you?”
Ueda looked at him terrified, and before Ryo could ask anything more, Ueda was running away from him, visibly trembling.
Maru noticed, gave Ryo a burning look and ran after Tat-chan. Ryo just stood there not knowing what the hell just happened.
“Ueda …” Maru found him crouched on the couch of their dressing room. He patted his hair gently.
“I hate him,” Ueda´s voice trembled, “I hate him for bringing it up now. Is he threatening me?”
Maru just sat next to him and waited for Ueda to calm down.
*
The year was slowly ending, this crazy year Ueda had had. And it wasn´t getting any better. He didn´t see Ryo after the last “hit and run” session as he called it. Maru knew what happened without the need of Ueda telling him.
After that summer in Osaka, they hadn´t talked about Ryo much. Ueda was happy Maru didn´t push it and he felt like he needed to deal with this by himself. After the “hit and run session”, however, Maru asked him again.
“Do you still love him?”
Ueda looked at him and shook his head violently.
“I hate him!”
“Are you sure? It´s just that …”
“No Maru, I hate him. I hate him for always hurting me, and I hate him even more for always being in my thoughts, for not letting me go by appearing when I finally think he is gone. I hate him.”
Maru said no more, but he looked so sad after that. Ueda didn´t know what went wrong.
But he was slowly realizing how Maru felt. It was hard to admit, but it was even harder to ignore it by now. He had caught Maru looking at him when he thought no one noticed. He had seen him staring at the place Ueda had stood few seconds earlier with what looked like regret in his eyes.
When Ueda thanked him or told him he appreciated him helping with something, he would blush. And he would get mad reading his notebook, even though he tried to hide it from Ueda. When Tatsuya checked, he realized they were songs and notes about Ryo that got Maru mad. He was sorry now that he let Maru read the notebook. He himself felt natural letting him do so. Maru wasn´t like Jin, and he didn´t try to be. He commented more on lyrics than on music, and they were these gentle comments sometimes about lyrics being too sad or about them being good for a live performance. It was a different approach than the one Jin had. But seeing Maru hurt by what he was reading, he wished he had never showed him anyway.
Tatsuya asked himself how he felt about the whole thing, but he couldn´t come up with an answer at all. He wasn´t mad or unhappy about it; he didn´t even want Maru to stop. It felt nice to be loved. Although Maru never said anything, he could feel that was what had been going on with his friend lately. He decided to let it be for now; he thought the flow of the events would solve it somehow. He would never corner Maru about it, he wouldn´t put him on the spot. Ueda too, after all, was still processing this information.
He closed his notebook, deeply in thoughts. He had just finished writing some lyrics. It wasn´t anything definite yet, just few verses here and there. However he had to go back because a melody was forming in his head as well, so he tried to somehow put it down and then describe it, so he wouldn´t lose it. As usual, he then tried to remember what the switch was, what the stimulation was.
He stared, slightly puzzled. He remembered. It was last night, the calm evening he spent with Maru in a park. They were enjoying the first snow. They took a long walk and parted silently when they reached the end of the park. Maru stole a look maybe because he thought it was too dark for Ueda to catch it. But Ueda felt it; he felt the love and sorrow of it, he felt Maru´s thoughts.
This is as good as it gets.
And he knew Maru felt sad, and somehow he felt sad with him. He felt like hugging the man and telling him, it was all right and it was just fine. He didn´t write that, he just wrote: I took a walk with Maru; the first snow was everywhere around us. I felt like this should last forever. But Maru seemed so sad.
He looked up and realized Nishikido Ryo was standing above him, looking down at him, curiosity beaming from his eyes. Only now he remembered where he was, that he was in a practice for an upcoming countdown and that he forgot to be cautious about his notebook.
He was rendered speechless and could only stare back at the black-haired man above him.
“What are you scribbling down? Can I see?” Ryo asked.
Ueda took a deep breath; he had to get out of there.
“What happened? Did you lose your voice? Not that it is any loss; I just think KAT-TUN as a four member group might really be finished.”
“Stop, stop it.” Ueda said in a cold voice dripping with warning.
But Ryo couldn´t stop himself, finally and again, Ueda was reacting as he used to.
“Oh, so you can speak after all. But still, it doesn´t sound any good, Don´t you feel useless Ueda?”
Tatsuya snapped.
“Would you just shut up and leave me alone!” He was shouting, but he didn´t care.
“I don´t know why you enjoy mocking me, insulting me, every time you see me. You act so high and mighty, but I have news for you, you are not more than I am. Actually you are a low human being for hurting me and coming down on me every chance you get.”
People were starting to look around, curious about what was going on.
“You have no manners, no self consciousness, and I am through with you. I don´t want to see you. I don´t want to be near you, and if YOU come near me, I’ll show you what they have been teaching me in a boxing gym lately.”
And with that, he stormed out of the big hall in which they were practicing, leaving a stunned, speechless Ryo behind.
What has just happened? Has Ueda just yelled at me? Did I hurt him too much? He doesn´t want to see me? But I miss him.
Ryo was never so confused.
Chapter 4, originally posted on 21/04/2009
Beginning of 2007
“What the hell was Junno thinking?”
“Ah Tat-chan, just let it be.”
“And I knew Koki wouldn´t come when I saw him looking at that girl, but why did Kame bail on us again?”
“Yeah, the truth is I didn´t get that either,” Maru laughed at the frowning Ueda who was trying to open his apartment door, but as he was so distracted, it took him like forever. When he finally did, and he let Maru in, he stormed inside his hall and stood in front of Maru, cornering him. Maru´s heart started racing.
Stupid Ueda, startling me like this.
“Now, Maru, seriously, I am going to ask you,” Maru was getting weak at his knees.
“What the hell happened to a fun movie night with our crazy bandmates? We were meant to relieve some stress. How come we ended up alone with this movie to watch? Seriously, LOVE ACTUALLY!? Junno is so dead tomorrow. I knew I shouldn´t have left the choice up to him. And how dare he decides to sneak off afterwards. Who cares about his girlfriend suddenly calling him up?”
Maru was now laughing so hard that his stomach was hurting. He couldn´t help it. Ueda was hilarious, being so furious about this; not to mention it really was outrageous that Junno picked Love Actually when Ueda and Koki were to watch movies with them. They were supposed to watch some stupid American main stream comedy and laugh the stress of the year 2006 out together. But the dinner ended in chaos, leaving only Ueda and Maru sitting at the table, confused as to what exactly just happened, with the DVD, at the time not revealed yet, laying there.
They decided to go and have the movie night anyway, and Ueda took the whole thing quite calmly, considering he had been forced to provide his apartment before. Maru knew he bought loads of food and cleaned and all.
But when Tatsuya checked the movie on their way to the car and saw the sweet romantic comedy in front of him, he started fussing and he hasn´t stopped ever since.
“Look at us; this is what I call KAT-TUN´s group spirit! Ueda pointed from Maru to him and backwards, finally giving out to Maru´s laughter, deciding it is much better to just laugh along with him.
Not that Maru minded them being alone.
Ueda went to make some tea. In the living room, Maru was given a task to pick whatever food he wanted to eat from the box Ueda had shoved into his hands. There were chips, cookies, chocolate, candy, all kind of stuff in there. Ueda definitely was prepared for them to come. Maru smiled. He learned by now how caring Ueda could be if he was left to do things in his own way.
“Make yourself comfortable, I´ll be right back. I am just going to change while the water boils,” Ueda went and changed his clothes, putting on sweatpants and some loose t-shirt and went back to the kitchen to tend to the tea.
In the mean time, Maru pulled out some snacks and placed them on the table. When he was about to rummage through Ueda´s own DVDs for something else to watch, he spotted the black notebook on the table. By now, he had the privilege of looking throughout the book as he pleased. On one hand, he didn´t feel like reading it now, on the other hand, he was curious about what Ueda had been writing recently. So he picked it up, sat on the couch and opened it on the last used page.
Ueda came back into his living room with the tray topped with a cake he had had in the fridge.
“You know, I didn´t want to at first, but we can as well watch that movie. I never saw it, and everyone said it was really sweet and all, so ...”
He looked at Maru and saw him looking back at him, his eyes all big and watery, just like some manga character, Ueda thought. His lower lip trembled as he tried to say something, but nothing came out. He looked startled by Ueda´s presence.
“What is the matter? Maru? Did something happen?”
Before the tall one could respond, Ueda noticed what was in his hands and slowly a realization dawned on him. Maru chose that moment to speak.
“You wrote a song ... you wrote one thinking of me,” His voice sounded low and shaky.
“Ah, yeah I did,” There was no way he could deny it now, Maru had read it all.
He put the tray down on the table and stood in front of Maru.
“I just felt like it,” Ueda said simply.
Maru looked at him intently, not able to say anything, and Ueda could see how a small ray of hope ran through Maru. But then it left his eyes immediately, and he looked down, closing the notebook.
“Wait a second, don´t move,” Ueda commanded and left Maru behind. He went into his bedroom and pulled out a notebook he bought some time ago. It was deep blue, and it caught Ueda´s eyes in the store, so he bought it without a purpose really. All of a sudden he felt like this was the reason he had done it.
He came back to the living room and found Maru, eyes still a bit glassy, sitting on the edge of the sofa, looking down, notebook placed on the coffee table.
Ueda took the black notebook and sat where it had been lying before, so that he was facing Maru.He opened it on the last page, but Maru was not looking.
“Yuichi, would you look at what I am doing, please? Would you look at me?”
Maru twitched, his first name being used like that, and looked at Ueda´s hands. Ueda took the last two pages where “Maru´s song” was written into his hand and pulled it out of the notebook. Maru shrieked.
“No! What are you doing?” He was too late in stopping Ueda.
“Don´t worry,” Ueda placed the old notebook on the floor and showed the new one to Maru. He opened it on the first page. Miraculously a stapler appeared in his hand, and he stapled the torn pages to the first sheet, one from one side of the paper, second from the other.
He then put the opened notebook into Maru´s hands and took Maru´s chin into his right hand, making him look up into his eyes.
“I think it is time to start a new one. The black one is too old and might fall apart anytime now.”
Maru finally found the strength to speak again. He was looking into Ueda´s eyes, completely mesmerized, not understanding fully what was happening.
“But there is so much in the old one; it holds so much of your life, Tat-chan. Is it really ok to leave it behind?”
He tried to pick up the old notebook, but Ueda took hold of his hand and didn´t let him.
“I will always treasure the old black one. It will always be stacked here, on the book shelf. I might go back and read it. I might, and I probably will, record a song out of it because it has been with me for so long. It really holds many memories. But I think it´s time to start anew, I like this blue one, it is so shining and soothing. I will work hard to fill it with good song and with my emotions, to keep it shining.”
Ueda knew they were talking in riddles; Maru too knew it by now. He was rendered speechless again.
Could it be that Ueda knew?
“Yuichi, will you read this one from now on?” Maru knew he really had to answer this time.
“It will be my pleasure, Tatsuya,” he said finally.
Ueda smiled his best smile, got up from the table and started walking towards the kitchen.
“Help yourself with the cake, and I will be right back with that tea; I am pretty sure the water is done by now.”
He came back with two cups of tea. Maru was sitting on the couch, his knees brought up to his chin. He was hugging them tightly, the blue notebook was lying on the table, and he was staring at it or maybe behind it.
Ueda put the tea on the table. He took a remote control, put that freaking DVD into the place. He hit the play bottom, deciding to believe Juno on this one and finally collapsed on the couch. He brought his legs into the sofa and crossed his ankles, his leg touching Maru´s. His heart fluttered a little.
Maru finally looked at Ueda; he seemed to regain his balance again.
“Are we really watching this one?” He asked.
“Hmmm.”
“Are you tired? Should I leave you so you can go to sleep?”
“Don´t you dare to do that!” Ueda threatened. He tilted his head and leaned into Maru a little.
The other man shifted, moving to the corner of the sofa, letting his legs down. He reached for a cushion and placed it onto his lap, making Ueda lay on it. Ueda sighed in content and curled up. Maru just stroked his hair; time to time, his hand would wondered down his neck to his shoulder, sneaking down Ueda´s arm.
Ueda felt so comfortable; he was fighting the urge to just fall asleep like that. When he felt Maru´s hand going down his arm again, when it was almost down, ready to disappear again, he caught it, entangling his fingers with Yuichi´s.
Maru smiled, thinking Ueda didn´t see it and just continued watching the movie. He had a big urge to hug Tatsuya, to throw his hands tightly around him, to just glomp him like a baby really, but this was nice too.
*
Ueda was lying on his bed wide awake despite having felt so tired earlier that night. Maru left like two hours, ago and it was well past midnight. He still felt Maru´s lips on his as the other one shyly gave him the sweetest good night kiss ever and left him wanting more actually.
He decided he had enough of staring at the ceiling and turned his head to the left. There on his night stand, he saw both of his notebooks, black one on the bottom, the blue one on the top. He blushed deeply, thinking back about what he has done tonight.
When did you learn to take initiative, Tatsuya? He asked himself.
He got up, took the black notebook and placed it carefully on the upper shelf of his small private library. Most of his books were in the living room, just a few favourites, precious ones, along with photo albums and such were here in his bedroom. He gave the notebook one last look and went back to bed. He curled up, hugged a pillow and closed his eyes.
~
tbc
... go to the next entry for the following chapters
Pairing: Ryoda, Maruda
Chapters: 1 - 4
Rating: PG
Summary: Ryo mocked Ueda all the time, but time has passed. Ueda got stronger and is in a relationship now. Ryo might not be able to mend what he has broken in the past. Very unplanned multichap.
No beta
A/N This has been posted on my journal in the form of 13 chapters, but they were quite short at least at the beginning), and I am a bit lazy to create a new post for each chapter. Thus I will group them by probably 4 chapters per entry, I am keeping the original structure though, so you get one cut per chapter.
Chapter 1, originally posted on 16/04/2009
Beginning of 2005
“You are a complete girl Ueda. No wonder you are not popular at all. I mean, who else writes a diary?”
“It´s not a diary.”
“Please, what else would it be? I see you writing stuff in there all the time.”
“It is not a diary, Nishikido. Now, leave me alone!”
“What do you write in there? <>,” Ryo was saying in a high pitched voice, laughing.
Ueda was sitting in the hallway, waiting for the rest of KATTUN to show up, so they can go for an interview. They had agreed to meet in front of the company building, but it had been raining, so he went in and texted them. They were all late by now. To kill the time, he took out his notebook and started to scribble some lyrics that came across his mind.
He forgot about everything else, but then Nishikido showed up and started mocking him. Nothing new, but he was going too far this time. Ryo was trying to snatch the notebook away from Ueda now, but so far he managed to protect it.
“How do you even know how often do I write in it? Are you stalking me? Do not forget you are supposed to hate me, so you shouldn´t take much interest in what I do in my spare time.”
“I couldn´t care less. I just think it would be a good laugh to read it. Now give it! If it is not a diary, you don´t have to hide it.”
“It is not a diary. How many times do I have to tell you?” Ueda was shouting now.
“Then what is it? Prove it, prove that you are not lying!” Ryo didn´t stay quiet either.
“These are my songs, my lyrics I work on, and it is personal. I never show it to anyone.”
“That is not true. You perform your songs, so you show it to someone. If they are just songs, then show it.”
Ueda was standing on a seat now, his arm stretched into the air, trying to keep the diary out of Ryo´s reach. He was thankful that the man was a bit shorter than he was, but it was getting dangerous as Ryo tried to push him off of the seat.
“I only show the ones that are ready. Song is a delicate thing, and it is a part of me. I would rather let everyone read my diary than let them see my songs. They are personal; I do not want anyone to belittle them. You are the last person in this world to which I would show them. You will not mock my songs!”
But Ueda lost the battle. Ryo finally pushed him down from the chair, and he lost his balance, and when he tried to protect himself from getting hurt, Ryo snatched the black notebook away from him, winning grin on his face.
“Now, we will see!”
“Give it back!”
“No. See you later Ueda. Your band is here. You better go, or they´ll get soaked, and you don´t want them to hate you as well.”
“Nishikido!” Ueda shouted for the last time, but Ryo was running away, and he just fell to the ground one more time, head in his hand, terror in his heart.
“What is going on?” Nakamaru was patting him gently, helping him stand up.
“Now, he will know. Maru, he will know now …” That was all Ueda managed to mumble as the rest of the group arrived, confused, asking what was going on, and then they were called by their manager and taken to the interview.
Meanwhile, Ryo sat down in NEWS dressing room, content smirk on his face. He was holding the notebook that he was interested in for months now. It will be so much fun to read Ueda´s diary. He was sure about it.
The notebook was simple black, a bit worn out by now, a very thick one, and you could tell loads was written in it already. Ryo had noticed it about 6 months ago when they had some shooting together with KATTUN. From then on, he watched Ueda and realized that he would pull it out in the most awkward moments and start writing something feverishly.
It had to be a diary that the strange man kept, and Ryo was very much interested in what he wrote in it. He wanted to know what that weirdo was thinking, how much of his appearance was a game and how much he really was the lunatic he seemed to be. Although he had to say that the hair was getting better recently.
So when he had seen Ueda sitting alone with his notebook, he saw an opportunity, and he took it. He didn´t mind hurting Ueda in the process, physically or mentally. He got what he wanted.
He opened it carefully. Before he could start reading, he noticed something on the very bottom left side still on the hard binding. The letters written carefully, so they could be read by everyone.
Lyrics/Music
If you find this notebook, please return it to Ueda Tatsuya. Thank you
So it was true, this wasn´t a diary after all. It seemed Ueda didn´t want to lose this notebook, and it seemed what he was saying was true and not a lie to cover up what he was ashamed of. Ryo´ s heartbeat got faster. He would see not Ueda´s thoughts, but his talent. He would see what the fuzz of him being a great songwriter was all about.
Out of nowhere, he heard Ueda in his head.
“These are my songs, my lyrics I work on, and it is personal. I never show it to anyone.”
Who cares, he thought, but again, before he could turn the page, he remembered.
“I only show the ones that are ready. Song is a delicate thing and it is a part of me, I would rather let everyone read my diary than let them see my songs. They are personal; I do not want anyone to belittle them. You are the last person in this world to which I would show them. You will not mock my songs!”
He couldn´t do it after all. He shut the book and took it to the KAT-TUN´s dressing room. He found a piece of paper - a receipt of some kind and left a message on it, leaving it carelessly on top of the notebook.
Maybe I could ask him nicely sometimes. I really want to know, but I guess he should have a say in this, he thought and left the dressing room.
Maru understood what Ueda meant when he said Ryo would know. He had know for some time now that Ueda was, for some inexplicable reason, in love with Nishikido Ryo. It was true, the notebook was not a diary, but Ueda was very careful when writing his songs. He would always put down not only the lyrics or the music that came into his mind, but also the moments when it happened, the circumstances. He would describe the places, the mood. He would mention the people who inspired him, or the words that set him off. That way, he could go back and recall everything if he needed to. And because of that, there were more than enough mentions of that annoying man in Ueda´s notebook. Maru was sure of it.
He stayed with Ueda all day long, trying to cheer him up, talking about nothing and everything or just staying silent next to him when he saw Ueda had had enough.
They came back to the dressing room, opening the door and creating a bit of draft. When Ueda came in last, he noticed the notebook on the table. He shut the door loudly and swiftly, creating some more air waves, and ran to it.
He took it, examined it closely. Nothing was ripped, nothing was destroyed, it looked almost untouched. He took it and hugged it, determined to never let something like this happen again. But his mind was restless all the same. He knew.
The receipt lied under the table forgotten, never to be discovered.
Chapter 2, originally posted on 18/04/2009
Still 2005
Pi blinked and was completely stunned; he had a hard time passing the word back to KAT-TUN on the VTR after hearing what that idiot Ryo did. AGAIN. Telling everyone he hated Ueda, repeatedly, again.
He just stood there rooted to the spot after the camera stopped. The last words that were recorder were again: “I hate Ueda”.
“What´s wrong?” Ryo asked. He was quite cheerful.
“What are you doing Ryo- chan? Don´t you think it is enough?” Others just watched them.
“Enough?”
“Since when is Ueda in NEWS? But you know that is not the point. What you just did was stupid, not to mention you are being a coward.”
“Excuse me? I just had some fun; besides it´s not something new, is it? Fans like the thrill.”
“I think you are going too far, insulting him all the time, on national TV, and now without giving him a chance to react. It´s low."
“Please, just chill out. I actually did him a favor just now. He doesn´t talk when KAT-TUN anchors this way. He will at least have more screen time.”
“How do you think he will feel when they watch our message, and your message will be that you hate him. I don´t think he asked for a favor like that.”
“Pi, really, what has gotten in to you? It´s just Ueda. He will be fine; he will just go back to his own world. He might not even notice.”
“I think you are hurting him, and you are hurting your reputation as well. Some people in the company think you went too far and that you should apologize. And after what you did today, I happen to think the same.”
“I am not having this conversation,” Ryo stormed out, mad at NEWS leader for sticking his nose where it didn´t belong. Uchi went after him, but seeing his mad face, he didn´t say anything.
“Why should I care about what Ueda feels when he sees the video? It was fun, and the VTR will be a success; that is all that matters. Besides that guy didn´t even thank me last time.”
Uchi had no idea what Ryo was rambling about, and Ryo realized just now that he was mad at the guy because Ueda had no reaction to him returning the notebook.
*
Few days later, it was Maru´s turn to be stunned when watching the VTR as they were taping their part of Shounen Club.
On screen, Ueda took it quite calmly. After much poking from others, he just said something about trying to improve their relationship, and the show went on.
Maru thought that what Ryo did was low, and he said so to Ueda after the show. Ueda looked up and gave him a sad smile as a response.
“I guess this is his answer. Well, I thought it would be worse. I thought he would out me and laugh at me in front of everyone. Saying it like this, it is actually quite a gentle way of doing it.”
“Please, don´t be silly! If this really was his answer to knowing how you feel about him, and if this is how he decided to tell you, then it is even lower than I thought. Because no matter what, you should face the emotion of the other human being straight on.”
“Maru, just let it be,” and with that Ueda left.
He was quite down after the notebook incident, and even though his heart burned and ached badly, he was happy he finally knew, what he thought was, Ryo´s answer. And he thought that it really was better this way because he could not face him properly, and he could not imagine Ryo telling him face to face.
To know the answer is always better than to float in insecurities, feeding the slightest signs of hope and then sinking back to misery. It is better to have the heart broken now than later on.
Now I know, and I will give up and learn how to live with it.
Ironically, he was the witness to Ryo as mister X few days later, but he could cope. It was actually a bit funny. Ryo just couldn´t take it and pretty much gave himself away by coming down on him when he was still hidden. When asked if Ryo says mean things or kind ones, Ueda just said kind. Maybe because he wished so, or maybe because he knew, he actually did so, at least to others.
Most of their conversations were just greetings now as Ueda couldn´t hide from Ryo forever. He didn´t understand why Ryo never told anyone what he found out in his black notebook, but he was grateful for that. Even though he was rejected, or so he though, Ryo not making a sensation out of it made him think even better of the said man. It was very hard to fall out of love when the other person was so high in your eyes.
*
That summer, the company had decided it was about time for them to be officially friends, thus only confirming Yamapi´s words from back then. Ueda wrote the letter and read it, hoping to make Ryo understand at least a bit. He really meant it when he said he respected him. Ryo, on the other hand, turned the whole letter into fun. As usual. But after that, Ueda felt like everything was over.
He and Maru were having a lunch in Osaka after the shooting.
“So, how was it today?” Maru asked.
Ueda didn´t really want to talk about it. “I liked the comedy battle a lot, you know, it was a valiant fight.”
“Ah, I know we are no match to Yamada, but that´s ok. Me and Koki, we always have fun.”
“Yeah,” Ueda felt way too good to have any conversation; he just wanted to enjoy the sun here in Osaka.
“You got much stronger, you know,” Maru said suddenly, apparently he didn´t want to give up.
“Well, I had to. It was kind of embarrassing to get teary on national TV just because someone said something mean. I guess I can thank Ryo, I mean Nishikido, for that.”
Maru looked at him intently, “You still love him?”
“I do,” there was no point in lying to Maru. He noticed himself, and once Ueda admitted, he did nothing but help him whenever Ueda needed support or a companion.
“But you know, there is no way we can be together. He made that pretty clear, and I think it is time to give up on the hope. Maybe it is even good he knows how I fell; I don´t have any regrets.”
“You really got stronger,” was all Maru said.
But something didn´t feel right. Maru thought it was weird that Ryo didn´t change his behavior almost at all after taking that notebook from Ueda; he also didn´t keep it that long.
Could it be he didn´t read it?
But he knew Ueda didn´t want to discuss this topic at all, and he respected this wish of his. Besides, he was pleased by Ueda´s decision to give up. In his opinion, Nishikido didn´t deserve him, and one good deed of his, his not telling the whole world how Ueda felt, would not change his mind.
Chapter 3, originally posted on 20/04/2009
October 2006
,“So, now you are all done for, without that idiot.” Ryo was eyeing him with a glee.
“Don´t call him an idiot, and we are just fine.”
“Really? You don´t look fine to me.”
“Just go away, Nishikido. It´s not like you are having the time of your life either.”
“What do you mean by that?” Ryo snapped, “Nothing´s wrong with me.”
“Right, and Akanishi Jin will appear in those doors any minute now. You are screwed up much more than I am.”
“How dare you …”
Ueda just left. It was his policy now not to let Ryo get to him, and he ignored him for most of the time.
Ryo just looked at his back, corners of his eyes dropping.
Ueda wasn´t what he had used to be. It wasn´t fun to tease him anymore since he just ignored Ryo now. He was cold as ice and his voice would never tremble anymore. His cheeks were never flushed, his eyes never glittered. Ryo knew it was a bit sadistic that he liked that look on Ueda. That sight of him being angry and a bit helpless was the big part of the reason he never really stopped mocking the other, not even after he was told to.
Besides, it was not like he was trying to mock the other today. He just stated the fact. He could see KT-TUN was pretty much out of it. He thought that, somehow, he might distract the other man, but it ended up all wrong. It ended up with Ueda stating the truth about his state of mind and then basically sending him to hell. He missed teasing Ueda. He tried not to think about him too much.
I actually miss talking to him, this ignoring is killing me. What has gotten into me?
*
Ueda went up to the rooftop and sat down close to the edge, so he could get a better view on what was going down there. Not that he cared.
This year KAT-TUN has debuted. Finally, all of them had been getting inpatient. How long would they be overlooked? But then, after it finally happened, that stupid, thoughtless, carefree idiot Jin decided to leave everyone behind, and he went to US to do god knew what.
So Ryo was right; they were pretty much screwed, or at least it felt like it.
On the other hand, he was right as much as Ryo was.
Uchi and Kusano had been demoted, and no one really knew if they would ever be able to come back. As if that wasn´t enough, Johnny had decided NEWS would take some kind of collective responsibility, or what, and he suspended the entire band. It was a mystery how and when they would come back.
So Ryo was screwed. Ueda knew he was better off than most of his band mates. He still had Kanjani8; he was still a popular actor, so he had much more work than the others. But since Jin left, Ueda felt sorry for him even more. For all he knew, Uchi was his best friend or maybe even more, and now he was out of his everyday life, and it all must have been shocking and hard on Ryo.
He knew because Jin leaving was shocking and hard on Ueda, and they probably weren´t as close as Ryo and Uchi. And Jin was coming back, there was no telling when, but Ueda was sure he would come back. Uchi on the other hand … Also, Jin was Ryo´s good friend, but Ueda doubted Jin had told him that he was leaving. Ryo definitely had more to deal with than he had.
He hated himself for following all the events in Ryo´s life this much. He felt for him more than he thought was healthy. He wanted to tell him everything would be fine, and that was just unacceptable because he was moving on. Right, for a year now, he was moving on, but nothing changed really. When NEWS got suspended, and Ryo didn´t have as much opportunities to go to Tokyo or to perform with KAT-TUN or to be somewhere close to them, Ueda realized he missed the black-haired man. He missed his eyes, his voice, his smirk even his snarky comments. They were getting really scarce, and he wanted all of it back. Even if it meant hurting.
What are you thinking? You idiot, you should be happy he doesn´t make you sad anymore.
The door opened, and he knew it was Nakamaru. He was glad the tall one had found him; he would distract him for sure.
“What are you doing up here?”
“Ah, just contemplating about what will happen next.”
“With KAT-TUN you mean?”
“I guess. That and everything else in general.”
“We´ll be fine. It will be the 5 of us for now, and then I think Jin will come back. You know, one day he will run out of money, if nothing else.”
Ueda laughed; it was a funny thought - Jin coming back a poor man.
“I don´t think he will last that long without us,” he was smiling already; Maru was great.
“I hope so,” Maru said half serious half jokingly, and they laughed some more. It was great, here, on the roof all the worries disappeared.
*
Maru was waiting for him in front of their company.
“So, do you feel like eating with me tonight?” He asked seemingly completely carelessly.
“Sure. Do you have something particular in mind?”
“Actually, I found this place, and I think you will like it.”
They were sitting in a winter garden of a restaurant. It was actually a closed porch that was built around the entire house, and they have been seated in a small section with only one more table. One could watch the wind outside and enjoy the vegetation inside, nice contrast to it. Maru knew what Ueda liked. They had had a dinner and now they were waiting for a desert. Ueda turned his chair away from the table, so that he faced the window completely and just watched the outside, passers-by.
When he turned to Maru to tell him something, he caught the man watching him, or rather staring at him, with this unreadable expression on his face.
“Is something wrong? “
“Oh, no, nothing´s wrong, I just got lost in my thoughts.” Maru looked startled.
After Ueda turned back to look out of the window, Maru spoke up again:
“You know, I saw you going through that black notebook yesterday, and I thought you might miss Jin even more than we do. He used to compose with you or give you an opinion.”
“Yeah he did. It was nice. Although, I showed him only the so called final versions, not the scribblings before. But it felt nice to show someone. Otherwise those songs would be too useless, if no one but me ever heard them.”
There was silence, and the desert was brought. Ueda took the plate into his hand,and still staring out of the window, he dug in.
“This is great, Maru, you are the best. You showed me a great place again,” he didn´t know how much effort the looking for it had actually taken. “How come you always stumble upon places I like?”
Maru smiled; he was happy Ueda felt comfortable. He mustered up some courage.
“I am not Jin, and if you don´t want to, I will understand …” He took a deep breath and caught Ueda´s attention; the man turned his head to him.
“If you feel like you want to show your song to someone, you can count on me. I won´t be much of a help though,“ Maru attempted a small smile.
Ueda on the other hand smiled widely, it was so cute - Maru blushing like this.
“Sure, I´ll let you know, if I feel like it.”
*
Next time Ryo teased Ueda, Ueda seemed to not even notice. He just stood next to Ryo as if he was not talking to him at all, waiting for a director to call him. Ryo gave up and stopped, deciding silence was better than him talking to a wall that Ueda seemed to be.
But then he thought about that notebook from back then. He was still curious about it, and he realized he hadn´t seen it for a long time.
The fact was Ueda was careful as hell around Ryo. He would never pull it out, when he was near him or he thought he might show up in their dressing room. He hardly ever pulled it out, when they were in KAT-TUN´s room; too afraid Ryo might see it and decide to do something stupid.
Suddenly, he heard Ryo asking, almost whispering:
“Ueda, do you still have that notebook of yours? Do you remember? The black one that I took from you?”
Ueda looked at him terrified, and before Ryo could ask anything more, Ueda was running away from him, visibly trembling.
Maru noticed, gave Ryo a burning look and ran after Tat-chan. Ryo just stood there not knowing what the hell just happened.
“Ueda …” Maru found him crouched on the couch of their dressing room. He patted his hair gently.
“I hate him,” Ueda´s voice trembled, “I hate him for bringing it up now. Is he threatening me?”
Maru just sat next to him and waited for Ueda to calm down.
*
The year was slowly ending, this crazy year Ueda had had. And it wasn´t getting any better. He didn´t see Ryo after the last “hit and run” session as he called it. Maru knew what happened without the need of Ueda telling him.
After that summer in Osaka, they hadn´t talked about Ryo much. Ueda was happy Maru didn´t push it and he felt like he needed to deal with this by himself. After the “hit and run session”, however, Maru asked him again.
“Do you still love him?”
Ueda looked at him and shook his head violently.
“I hate him!”
“Are you sure? It´s just that …”
“No Maru, I hate him. I hate him for always hurting me, and I hate him even more for always being in my thoughts, for not letting me go by appearing when I finally think he is gone. I hate him.”
Maru said no more, but he looked so sad after that. Ueda didn´t know what went wrong.
But he was slowly realizing how Maru felt. It was hard to admit, but it was even harder to ignore it by now. He had caught Maru looking at him when he thought no one noticed. He had seen him staring at the place Ueda had stood few seconds earlier with what looked like regret in his eyes.
When Ueda thanked him or told him he appreciated him helping with something, he would blush. And he would get mad reading his notebook, even though he tried to hide it from Ueda. When Tatsuya checked, he realized they were songs and notes about Ryo that got Maru mad. He was sorry now that he let Maru read the notebook. He himself felt natural letting him do so. Maru wasn´t like Jin, and he didn´t try to be. He commented more on lyrics than on music, and they were these gentle comments sometimes about lyrics being too sad or about them being good for a live performance. It was a different approach than the one Jin had. But seeing Maru hurt by what he was reading, he wished he had never showed him anyway.
Tatsuya asked himself how he felt about the whole thing, but he couldn´t come up with an answer at all. He wasn´t mad or unhappy about it; he didn´t even want Maru to stop. It felt nice to be loved. Although Maru never said anything, he could feel that was what had been going on with his friend lately. He decided to let it be for now; he thought the flow of the events would solve it somehow. He would never corner Maru about it, he wouldn´t put him on the spot. Ueda too, after all, was still processing this information.
He closed his notebook, deeply in thoughts. He had just finished writing some lyrics. It wasn´t anything definite yet, just few verses here and there. However he had to go back because a melody was forming in his head as well, so he tried to somehow put it down and then describe it, so he wouldn´t lose it. As usual, he then tried to remember what the switch was, what the stimulation was.
He stared, slightly puzzled. He remembered. It was last night, the calm evening he spent with Maru in a park. They were enjoying the first snow. They took a long walk and parted silently when they reached the end of the park. Maru stole a look maybe because he thought it was too dark for Ueda to catch it. But Ueda felt it; he felt the love and sorrow of it, he felt Maru´s thoughts.
This is as good as it gets.
And he knew Maru felt sad, and somehow he felt sad with him. He felt like hugging the man and telling him, it was all right and it was just fine. He didn´t write that, he just wrote: I took a walk with Maru; the first snow was everywhere around us. I felt like this should last forever. But Maru seemed so sad.
He looked up and realized Nishikido Ryo was standing above him, looking down at him, curiosity beaming from his eyes. Only now he remembered where he was, that he was in a practice for an upcoming countdown and that he forgot to be cautious about his notebook.
He was rendered speechless and could only stare back at the black-haired man above him.
“What are you scribbling down? Can I see?” Ryo asked.
Ueda took a deep breath; he had to get out of there.
“What happened? Did you lose your voice? Not that it is any loss; I just think KAT-TUN as a four member group might really be finished.”
“Stop, stop it.” Ueda said in a cold voice dripping with warning.
But Ryo couldn´t stop himself, finally and again, Ueda was reacting as he used to.
“Oh, so you can speak after all. But still, it doesn´t sound any good, Don´t you feel useless Ueda?”
Tatsuya snapped.
“Would you just shut up and leave me alone!” He was shouting, but he didn´t care.
“I don´t know why you enjoy mocking me, insulting me, every time you see me. You act so high and mighty, but I have news for you, you are not more than I am. Actually you are a low human being for hurting me and coming down on me every chance you get.”
People were starting to look around, curious about what was going on.
“You have no manners, no self consciousness, and I am through with you. I don´t want to see you. I don´t want to be near you, and if YOU come near me, I’ll show you what they have been teaching me in a boxing gym lately.”
And with that, he stormed out of the big hall in which they were practicing, leaving a stunned, speechless Ryo behind.
What has just happened? Has Ueda just yelled at me? Did I hurt him too much? He doesn´t want to see me? But I miss him.
Ryo was never so confused.
Chapter 4, originally posted on 21/04/2009
Beginning of 2007
“What the hell was Junno thinking?”
“Ah Tat-chan, just let it be.”
“And I knew Koki wouldn´t come when I saw him looking at that girl, but why did Kame bail on us again?”
“Yeah, the truth is I didn´t get that either,” Maru laughed at the frowning Ueda who was trying to open his apartment door, but as he was so distracted, it took him like forever. When he finally did, and he let Maru in, he stormed inside his hall and stood in front of Maru, cornering him. Maru´s heart started racing.
Stupid Ueda, startling me like this.
“Now, Maru, seriously, I am going to ask you,” Maru was getting weak at his knees.
“What the hell happened to a fun movie night with our crazy bandmates? We were meant to relieve some stress. How come we ended up alone with this movie to watch? Seriously, LOVE ACTUALLY!? Junno is so dead tomorrow. I knew I shouldn´t have left the choice up to him. And how dare he decides to sneak off afterwards. Who cares about his girlfriend suddenly calling him up?”
Maru was now laughing so hard that his stomach was hurting. He couldn´t help it. Ueda was hilarious, being so furious about this; not to mention it really was outrageous that Junno picked Love Actually when Ueda and Koki were to watch movies with them. They were supposed to watch some stupid American main stream comedy and laugh the stress of the year 2006 out together. But the dinner ended in chaos, leaving only Ueda and Maru sitting at the table, confused as to what exactly just happened, with the DVD, at the time not revealed yet, laying there.
They decided to go and have the movie night anyway, and Ueda took the whole thing quite calmly, considering he had been forced to provide his apartment before. Maru knew he bought loads of food and cleaned and all.
But when Tatsuya checked the movie on their way to the car and saw the sweet romantic comedy in front of him, he started fussing and he hasn´t stopped ever since.
“Look at us; this is what I call KAT-TUN´s group spirit! Ueda pointed from Maru to him and backwards, finally giving out to Maru´s laughter, deciding it is much better to just laugh along with him.
Not that Maru minded them being alone.
Ueda went to make some tea. In the living room, Maru was given a task to pick whatever food he wanted to eat from the box Ueda had shoved into his hands. There were chips, cookies, chocolate, candy, all kind of stuff in there. Ueda definitely was prepared for them to come. Maru smiled. He learned by now how caring Ueda could be if he was left to do things in his own way.
“Make yourself comfortable, I´ll be right back. I am just going to change while the water boils,” Ueda went and changed his clothes, putting on sweatpants and some loose t-shirt and went back to the kitchen to tend to the tea.
In the mean time, Maru pulled out some snacks and placed them on the table. When he was about to rummage through Ueda´s own DVDs for something else to watch, he spotted the black notebook on the table. By now, he had the privilege of looking throughout the book as he pleased. On one hand, he didn´t feel like reading it now, on the other hand, he was curious about what Ueda had been writing recently. So he picked it up, sat on the couch and opened it on the last used page.
Ueda came back into his living room with the tray topped with a cake he had had in the fridge.
“You know, I didn´t want to at first, but we can as well watch that movie. I never saw it, and everyone said it was really sweet and all, so ...”
He looked at Maru and saw him looking back at him, his eyes all big and watery, just like some manga character, Ueda thought. His lower lip trembled as he tried to say something, but nothing came out. He looked startled by Ueda´s presence.
“What is the matter? Maru? Did something happen?”
Before the tall one could respond, Ueda noticed what was in his hands and slowly a realization dawned on him. Maru chose that moment to speak.
“You wrote a song ... you wrote one thinking of me,” His voice sounded low and shaky.
“Ah, yeah I did,” There was no way he could deny it now, Maru had read it all.
He put the tray down on the table and stood in front of Maru.
“I just felt like it,” Ueda said simply.
Maru looked at him intently, not able to say anything, and Ueda could see how a small ray of hope ran through Maru. But then it left his eyes immediately, and he looked down, closing the notebook.
“Wait a second, don´t move,” Ueda commanded and left Maru behind. He went into his bedroom and pulled out a notebook he bought some time ago. It was deep blue, and it caught Ueda´s eyes in the store, so he bought it without a purpose really. All of a sudden he felt like this was the reason he had done it.
He came back to the living room and found Maru, eyes still a bit glassy, sitting on the edge of the sofa, looking down, notebook placed on the coffee table.
Ueda took the black notebook and sat where it had been lying before, so that he was facing Maru.He opened it on the last page, but Maru was not looking.
“Yuichi, would you look at what I am doing, please? Would you look at me?”
Maru twitched, his first name being used like that, and looked at Ueda´s hands. Ueda took the last two pages where “Maru´s song” was written into his hand and pulled it out of the notebook. Maru shrieked.
“No! What are you doing?” He was too late in stopping Ueda.
“Don´t worry,” Ueda placed the old notebook on the floor and showed the new one to Maru. He opened it on the first page. Miraculously a stapler appeared in his hand, and he stapled the torn pages to the first sheet, one from one side of the paper, second from the other.
He then put the opened notebook into Maru´s hands and took Maru´s chin into his right hand, making him look up into his eyes.
“I think it is time to start a new one. The black one is too old and might fall apart anytime now.”
Maru finally found the strength to speak again. He was looking into Ueda´s eyes, completely mesmerized, not understanding fully what was happening.
“But there is so much in the old one; it holds so much of your life, Tat-chan. Is it really ok to leave it behind?”
He tried to pick up the old notebook, but Ueda took hold of his hand and didn´t let him.
“I will always treasure the old black one. It will always be stacked here, on the book shelf. I might go back and read it. I might, and I probably will, record a song out of it because it has been with me for so long. It really holds many memories. But I think it´s time to start anew, I like this blue one, it is so shining and soothing. I will work hard to fill it with good song and with my emotions, to keep it shining.”
Ueda knew they were talking in riddles; Maru too knew it by now. He was rendered speechless again.
Could it be that Ueda knew?
“Yuichi, will you read this one from now on?” Maru knew he really had to answer this time.
“It will be my pleasure, Tatsuya,” he said finally.
Ueda smiled his best smile, got up from the table and started walking towards the kitchen.
“Help yourself with the cake, and I will be right back with that tea; I am pretty sure the water is done by now.”
He came back with two cups of tea. Maru was sitting on the couch, his knees brought up to his chin. He was hugging them tightly, the blue notebook was lying on the table, and he was staring at it or maybe behind it.
Ueda put the tea on the table. He took a remote control, put that freaking DVD into the place. He hit the play bottom, deciding to believe Juno on this one and finally collapsed on the couch. He brought his legs into the sofa and crossed his ankles, his leg touching Maru´s. His heart fluttered a little.
Maru finally looked at Ueda; he seemed to regain his balance again.
“Are we really watching this one?” He asked.
“Hmmm.”
“Are you tired? Should I leave you so you can go to sleep?”
“Don´t you dare to do that!” Ueda threatened. He tilted his head and leaned into Maru a little.
The other man shifted, moving to the corner of the sofa, letting his legs down. He reached for a cushion and placed it onto his lap, making Ueda lay on it. Ueda sighed in content and curled up. Maru just stroked his hair; time to time, his hand would wondered down his neck to his shoulder, sneaking down Ueda´s arm.
Ueda felt so comfortable; he was fighting the urge to just fall asleep like that. When he felt Maru´s hand going down his arm again, when it was almost down, ready to disappear again, he caught it, entangling his fingers with Yuichi´s.
Maru smiled, thinking Ueda didn´t see it and just continued watching the movie. He had a big urge to hug Tatsuya, to throw his hands tightly around him, to just glomp him like a baby really, but this was nice too.
*
Ueda was lying on his bed wide awake despite having felt so tired earlier that night. Maru left like two hours, ago and it was well past midnight. He still felt Maru´s lips on his as the other one shyly gave him the sweetest good night kiss ever and left him wanting more actually.
He decided he had enough of staring at the ceiling and turned his head to the left. There on his night stand, he saw both of his notebooks, black one on the bottom, the blue one on the top. He blushed deeply, thinking back about what he has done tonight.
When did you learn to take initiative, Tatsuya? He asked himself.
He got up, took the black notebook and placed it carefully on the upper shelf of his small private library. Most of his books were in the living room, just a few favourites, precious ones, along with photo albums and such were here in his bedroom. He gave the notebook one last look and went back to bed. He curled up, hugged a pillow and closed his eyes.
~
tbc
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