Is This All There Is?
I want you to think back to an early childhood memory: your fourth birthday. I still remember mine despite all the booze and caffeine in years since. It was a sunny June day in my backyard. The sun beat down on the grass, mingling with shade provided by the two 30 foot tall Ash trees and their leaves. Enjoying being the center of attention and just waiting for my presents.
I open most of them but am not prepared for my large present: a bike. And for whatever, once I saw it, I decided to start crying. I still don't know why I did. Perhaps it was because I didn't know how to properly react. Maybe it was that I realized I was finally growing up and would be required to conquer the unknown. The world is scary to a four year old when you're taught to be frightened of everything.
So why the story? Well, put yourself back in the shoes of a young child. Didn't everything seem like something new? The first day of school every year. The halloween and Christmas parties. The last day of school. The seemingly short summer vacations. Your first trip to the dentist or orthodontist. First car rides up north. First little league game. First time in middle school. First co-ed dance. First time in high school. First time behind the wheel of a car. First dates, first kisses, first sexual advances. Getting that acceptance letter to the college you wanted. Cashing your first paycheck. The first cruise in your new car. The first time you tried alcohol or smoked weed or legally bought alcohol.
It seems to me that your first 21 years or so are pretty interesting. It's always one new event after the other. Compiling life's lessons and information in your own data bank, trying to educate others while making sure not to make the same mistakes twice.
But now? What's left? Marriage, I suppose. Perhaps home ownership. Maybe jury duty and raises and promotions and decreased car insurance rates and AARP letters and handicap stickers and penchants for yelling at kids to get off your lawn.
Is it just me or is life a whole lot more of the same shit different pile? Maybe it's the fact that I'm lazy and that all the "firsts" I mentioned above are just kinda handed to you; you don't usually have to work for them. Because of that, I'm having trouble finding meaning and purpose now. Wandering around in a fog just looking for a landmark to tell me what to do.
Perhaps I'm asking a loaded question. Well, maybe not loaded but the fact that I'm asking it should make you take a look at my general attitude toward life itself.
I open most of them but am not prepared for my large present: a bike. And for whatever, once I saw it, I decided to start crying. I still don't know why I did. Perhaps it was because I didn't know how to properly react. Maybe it was that I realized I was finally growing up and would be required to conquer the unknown. The world is scary to a four year old when you're taught to be frightened of everything.
So why the story? Well, put yourself back in the shoes of a young child. Didn't everything seem like something new? The first day of school every year. The halloween and Christmas parties. The last day of school. The seemingly short summer vacations. Your first trip to the dentist or orthodontist. First car rides up north. First little league game. First time in middle school. First co-ed dance. First time in high school. First time behind the wheel of a car. First dates, first kisses, first sexual advances. Getting that acceptance letter to the college you wanted. Cashing your first paycheck. The first cruise in your new car. The first time you tried alcohol or smoked weed or legally bought alcohol.
It seems to me that your first 21 years or so are pretty interesting. It's always one new event after the other. Compiling life's lessons and information in your own data bank, trying to educate others while making sure not to make the same mistakes twice.
But now? What's left? Marriage, I suppose. Perhaps home ownership. Maybe jury duty and raises and promotions and decreased car insurance rates and AARP letters and handicap stickers and penchants for yelling at kids to get off your lawn.
Is it just me or is life a whole lot more of the same shit different pile? Maybe it's the fact that I'm lazy and that all the "firsts" I mentioned above are just kinda handed to you; you don't usually have to work for them. Because of that, I'm having trouble finding meaning and purpose now. Wandering around in a fog just looking for a landmark to tell me what to do.
Perhaps I'm asking a loaded question. Well, maybe not loaded but the fact that I'm asking it should make you take a look at my general attitude toward life itself.