Don't try this at home.
I spent the first hour of Vayne-sama's departure trying to read, to take some comfort from it, but I can't even get through a paragraph, which is the minimum threshhold for getting anything out of it. So I ended up just staring out the window, and staring at my recent syntheses... just trying dully to absorb some comfort from something. I don't know if any of it is even helping, though.
I keep envisioning him out there, journeying through those hallways, and I feel like I'm doing it, and I wonder if the actions I take have any correspondence with his.
But I can get through that. My worry is that I think I'm starting to hallucinate. I know objectively I've only been sitting in my room with Roxis, but I feel like all manner of other things have happened. And then I see things that don't even make any sense and are at right angles to reality and I know my brain is just making them up in a desperate attempt to understand, to give shape and label to these feelings that it has no shape nor label for.
At one point I thought maybe this would be easier for everyone if I died and dissolved the pact. Then nobody would hurt. Vayne-sama wouldn't hurt, I would be in a much better place... it seemed like a good idea, so I got up and went quietly to my drawer, not saying what I was doing, looking for my paring knife. But all I did was open the drawer and stare inside, and it wasn't immediately apparent-- it was probably under other stuff-- and I didn't have the will to look for it, so I just shut the drawer and went to sit down.
Vayne-sama, don't come back out of worry for me just because I did that. Someone probably would have patched me up anyway; since I couldn't have stabbed myself hard, I was just going to cut my wrists, and it wouldn't have been very fast. But I wasn't thinking. I wasn't able to think properly. I'm still probably not.
I keep envisioning him out there, journeying through those hallways, and I feel like I'm doing it, and I wonder if the actions I take have any correspondence with his.
But I can get through that. My worry is that I think I'm starting to hallucinate. I know objectively I've only been sitting in my room with Roxis, but I feel like all manner of other things have happened. And then I see things that don't even make any sense and are at right angles to reality and I know my brain is just making them up in a desperate attempt to understand, to give shape and label to these feelings that it has no shape nor label for.
At one point I thought maybe this would be easier for everyone if I died and dissolved the pact. Then nobody would hurt. Vayne-sama wouldn't hurt, I would be in a much better place... it seemed like a good idea, so I got up and went quietly to my drawer, not saying what I was doing, looking for my paring knife. But all I did was open the drawer and stare inside, and it wasn't immediately apparent-- it was probably under other stuff-- and I didn't have the will to look for it, so I just shut the drawer and went to sit down.
Vayne-sama, don't come back out of worry for me just because I did that. Someone probably would have patched me up anyway; since I couldn't have stabbed myself hard, I was just going to cut my wrists, and it wouldn't have been very fast. But I wasn't thinking. I wasn't able to think properly. I'm still probably not.