I feel rather embarrassed at having had such a breakdown in front of my students. After all that, it feels like nothing was wrong in the first place
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It's okay, sensei.... I really don't hold it against you. And even if the way you went about it might not have been exactly ethical, you did teach me some really interesting stuff about death.
These things happen, even to teachers.... At the end of the day, we're all just people, trying to understand the world around us. The word "sensei" means something like "someone who's lived longer", or "someone who's had more life experience", right? But you're not infallible.... It's just that you know more, and you're in a position to help us grow to your level. But we don't hold you to being perfect.... We understand that you hurt, and you have sorrows, and fears, too, just like we do.
I know you were really only concerned with what was right.... And if I'd believed what you believed, I would have been in a real state, too. You thought you were the only one bearing a responsibility for the whole world.... That would have made anyone feel desperate.
That's why even after everything, I still believe you when you say you want to do right by us. I forgive you, and I believe in you.
I think you're still fit, sensei. Even if... even if these days, lately, I feel like I'm close to the end... you've still seen so much more than me. There's still so much I haven't thought of, so many philosophies I haven't examined in detail. Even if I have the raw understanding... and that's only an "if"; I don't want to speak too soon, don't want to say I know until I really do know... even then, there are so many trains of thought you can still illuminate for me.
I guess sooner rather than later, it's not going to matter that much.... I'll be leaving one way or the other, whether it's with a degree in my hand or borne on the flames. But... I still couldn't have been what I am now if it hadn't been for your guiding hand. You challenged me and directed at the same time; you guided my raw potential rather than letting it tend towards chaos. You were exacting and strict, but what I didn't always realise was that you were also fair. You expected me to use every bit of skill I had, and in doing so you honed me. I'll always be thankful you taught me.
These things happen, even to teachers.... At the end of the day, we're all just people, trying to understand the world around us. The word "sensei" means something like "someone who's lived longer", or "someone who's had more life experience", right? But you're not infallible.... It's just that you know more, and you're in a position to help us grow to your level. But we don't hold you to being perfect.... We understand that you hurt, and you have sorrows, and fears, too, just like we do.
I know you were really only concerned with what was right.... And if I'd believed what you believed, I would have been in a real state, too. You thought you were the only one bearing a responsibility for the whole world.... That would have made anyone feel desperate.
That's why even after everything, I still believe you when you say you want to do right by us. I forgive you, and I believe in you.
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Do I really know more than you, even after all that? Am I really fit to be your teacher now? Or have you surpassed me?
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I think you're still fit, sensei. Even if... even if these days, lately, I feel like I'm close to the end... you've still seen so much more than me. There's still so much I haven't thought of, so many philosophies I haven't examined in detail. Even if I have the raw understanding... and that's only an "if"; I don't want to speak too soon, don't want to say I know until I really do know... even then, there are so many trains of thought you can still illuminate for me.
I guess sooner rather than later, it's not going to matter that much.... I'll be leaving one way or the other, whether it's with a degree in my hand or borne on the flames. But... I still couldn't have been what I am now if it hadn't been for your guiding hand. You challenged me and directed at the same time; you guided my raw potential rather than letting it tend towards chaos. You were exacting and strict, but what I didn't always realise was that you were also fair. You expected me to use every bit of skill I had, and in doing so you honed me. I'll always be thankful you taught me.
Reply
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