(no subject)
hi livejournal, i'm back to bitch and moan some more. it's funny how i only even consider logging in here when i'm in some sort of emotional distress.
i guess the past is sort of haunting me tonight. i read through/deleted some super old jamis texts and it reopened the wound slightly.
i read through some of the things he told me about jail and even though i haven't seen or talked to him in months and months, i felt really guilty that i put him through that. i was scared and made a bad decision. i thought he would just spend the night there and i would get everything cleared up the next day. i was an idiot, i should have just had someone drive us home but i was scared of him at the time. he really didn't deserve that. even with what he did to me, he didn't deserve that. he's not a bad person and i don't think i will ever consider him a bad person. he's definitely not an 'abuser'.
i want to take full responsibility for what i did, the decision i made. it's probably the only thing in my entire life that i genuinely regret. i didn't mean to put him, or us, through all of that. i can't even imagine what being in there must have been like for him. i know he was really scared and confused too, since he had no recollection of what he had done.
i'm really sorry. i really fucked up. i didn't know what to do, i guess, i was scared to be around him after that. but he really didn't deserve that. it was painful for both of us to have to keep coming back to court once a fucking month. i watched our relationship disintegrate in front of me. the first court date, i was crying, and we made eye contact and we still wanted to be together. the last court date, he wouldn't even look at me, and he was printing out pages of my tumblr [read: my personal blog] to give to his lawyer to try and discredit my story.
looking back, i guess you could say it was his damn fault for drinking that much/blacking out/laying hands on me, or you could say it was my damn fault for saying yes when the police asked if i wanted him arrested. i don't really care anymore because it's long gone, i just really wanted to take full responsibility for making that decision. i was an idiot.
and now, i don't have anyone to treat badly, so i guess i got what i deserved in the end.
i need to go smoke a bowl before i guilt myself any harder.
i guess the past is sort of haunting me tonight. i read through/deleted some super old jamis texts and it reopened the wound slightly.
i read through some of the things he told me about jail and even though i haven't seen or talked to him in months and months, i felt really guilty that i put him through that. i was scared and made a bad decision. i thought he would just spend the night there and i would get everything cleared up the next day. i was an idiot, i should have just had someone drive us home but i was scared of him at the time. he really didn't deserve that. even with what he did to me, he didn't deserve that. he's not a bad person and i don't think i will ever consider him a bad person. he's definitely not an 'abuser'.
i want to take full responsibility for what i did, the decision i made. it's probably the only thing in my entire life that i genuinely regret. i didn't mean to put him, or us, through all of that. i can't even imagine what being in there must have been like for him. i know he was really scared and confused too, since he had no recollection of what he had done.
i'm really sorry. i really fucked up. i didn't know what to do, i guess, i was scared to be around him after that. but he really didn't deserve that. it was painful for both of us to have to keep coming back to court once a fucking month. i watched our relationship disintegrate in front of me. the first court date, i was crying, and we made eye contact and we still wanted to be together. the last court date, he wouldn't even look at me, and he was printing out pages of my tumblr [read: my personal blog] to give to his lawyer to try and discredit my story.
looking back, i guess you could say it was his damn fault for drinking that much/blacking out/laying hands on me, or you could say it was my damn fault for saying yes when the police asked if i wanted him arrested. i don't really care anymore because it's long gone, i just really wanted to take full responsibility for making that decision. i was an idiot.
and now, i don't have anyone to treat badly, so i guess i got what i deserved in the end.
i need to go smoke a bowl before i guilt myself any harder.