(no subject)
Right now, all that's really standing between me and this break is this Anthro paper. Only 3 pages, should be easy. But when it presents itself as such a barrier, I just can't bring myself to complete it. I want spring break to come, and after this paper all I have is a some trivial French homework, and afternoon news shift, and a few classes. Then, maybe there will be time at my sewing machine to resize my dragon day t-shirt, some dragon day festivities, perhaps a movie, a snack, and a long bus ride home. Sounds perfect. And I already have two cats, helen, and a circus class waiting for me when I get home. And my parents of course. I do still love them.
So... what's stopping me. The concept of the Monoglot Standard? Indexicality? Or is it that if this paper is not done, I will remain in a state of limbo, and that I want to be here? Tomorrow the Brecht workshop cast list will be posted. I feel pretty confidant, and the callback was so fun... I really want to do it. I know I shouldn't, I don't have the time, but I so want to. I suppose I shouldn't be so sure of myself though. Maybe my mind will be made up for me. That would be useful I suppose?
I feel like I really just need to grow up. Stop futzing around. I need to do something productive with myself. Like right now, write this paper, but I mean, so much more than that. I was offered my babysitting job again this summer. It was fun, relatively easy, not terribly time consuming, and paid well. But I feel almost wrong taking it. Shouldn't I be doing something real? It will be last summer all over again, babysit, learn to drive (and hopefully actually get a license this time) and maybe do some circus. I just feel that I should be doing something real, something more. But do I really want a bitchy, annoying, unpaid internship? Could I even get something at this point in March? What do I even want to do with myself... with my life. Sometimes, I feel like I'm being controlled by some outer force. Like I'm following in Alex's footsteps here? Or, like I'm following the ones I set out in front of myself, which were often not far behind hers I suppose. But what if I put those steps down wrong? What if I should be doing something else? Poo. Now I'm being distracted by classes for next year. This paper may never get done. And then I won't even make it to next year. Alas. I mean, I know I will, but I really should try to make things less painful for myself.
So... what's stopping me. The concept of the Monoglot Standard? Indexicality? Or is it that if this paper is not done, I will remain in a state of limbo, and that I want to be here? Tomorrow the Brecht workshop cast list will be posted. I feel pretty confidant, and the callback was so fun... I really want to do it. I know I shouldn't, I don't have the time, but I so want to. I suppose I shouldn't be so sure of myself though. Maybe my mind will be made up for me. That would be useful I suppose?
I feel like I really just need to grow up. Stop futzing around. I need to do something productive with myself. Like right now, write this paper, but I mean, so much more than that. I was offered my babysitting job again this summer. It was fun, relatively easy, not terribly time consuming, and paid well. But I feel almost wrong taking it. Shouldn't I be doing something real? It will be last summer all over again, babysit, learn to drive (and hopefully actually get a license this time) and maybe do some circus. I just feel that I should be doing something real, something more. But do I really want a bitchy, annoying, unpaid internship? Could I even get something at this point in March? What do I even want to do with myself... with my life. Sometimes, I feel like I'm being controlled by some outer force. Like I'm following in Alex's footsteps here? Or, like I'm following the ones I set out in front of myself, which were often not far behind hers I suppose. But what if I put those steps down wrong? What if I should be doing something else? Poo. Now I'm being distracted by classes for next year. This paper may never get done. And then I won't even make it to next year. Alas. I mean, I know I will, but I really should try to make things less painful for myself.