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can you lie next to her / and give her your heart, your heart / as well as your body / and can you lie next to her / and confess your love, your love
Sam tore his eyes away from them as she leaned in for a kiss. He couldn’t watch it. Not without feeling the ghost of those lips on his own, without remembering the way those hands, now holding hers, felt against his skin. He heard someone- Quinn, maybe -say something about how cute they were together and he felt his stomach twist at the words. And then someone else was saying how good she was for him and he couldn’t help but think how good he could’ve been for him.
His mind was so far away that he jumped when a hand dropped onto his shoulder, and Finn asked if he was okay. He felt those bright, big blue eyes on him but he refused to look. But then Tina asked him what’s wrong in that sweet, innocent voice and he felt his resolve cracking and he turned. Their eyes met across the room and it’s like every feeling from that night crash in on him at once. His chest ached and his stomach dropped and he mumbled that he had to leave.
He rushed down the sidewalk of Santana’s house as tears filled his eyes. His car was a slight walk, because even though the old glee club was practically entirely paired off it seemed as though everyone brought their own car to every get-together. He ignored the sound of Santana’s front door opening and closing but stopped and turned when he heard the familiar sound of wheels against pavement.
“Artie, please don’t do this right now. We can’t- you just announced your engagement! You have to go back inside and let me leave-“
“I’m sorry, Sam, I just- I didn’t want you to find out this way. I tried calling you at work earlier but you didn’t answer but I didn’t want you to find out when everyone else did. I’m so sorry. But please don’t leave, Sam. We have to- we have to be friends, okay? Please let us be friends.”
“I can’t!” Sam’s voice rang out loudly in the quiet night. Artie flinched at the sound. “I can’t,” he repeated more quietly.
“But I can’t-” Artie stopped. He gulped. “I can’t lose you, Sam. I can’t just live without you in my life somehow. Even if it’s not-“
Sam looked away and ran a hand through his hair.
“-Even if it’s not in the way you want it.”
Sam growled in frustration. “Artie, you don’t get it! I can’t just be friends with you! It’s too hard, okay? I can’t watch you kiss her and hold her hand and I can’t watch you fucking marry her and just pretend like I’m okay when I’m not okay!”
“Sam-“
“No! I don’t-” Sam stopped and lowered his voice. “Don’t do it.”
“What?”
“Don’t marry her,” Sam said. His heart pounded in his chest as the words left his mouth but once they were out he knew they were exactly what he’d needed to say all night.
“Sam, I can’t just-“
“Don’t marry her. I’ll be your friend if you don’t, but if you do then I can’t do this anymore. I just- I love you too much to watch you be with a girl I know you don’t love just because you’re scared.”
“Sam, it’s not that simple. I want to be with you, you know that. I want that more than anything, but you know it’s complicated. You know I can’t do that, and marrying Tina is what I’m supposed to do.”
Sam nodded even as his stomach twisted painfully. He took a few deep breaths before looking back at Artie. “Okay.”
“No, Sam, please don’t do this. We can- please- Sam, I love you and you can’t leave like this,” Artie begged.
“No. I’m done being this dirty little secret, and I’m done watching you with her. If you can live the rest of your life married to her when you don’t love her, then fine. Do that. But don’t expect me to be okay with just friends. Don’t expect me to be at your wedding. If you ever decide that you actually want to be honest and happy, then you can call me.”
Artie didn’t say anything.
“It’s your choice.”