(no subject)
tony, a tall thin blonde dude in the grade ahead of me. a bean sprout and hair like Dennis the menace in the TV show, how it sprouted from the crown and danced a little when he was excited. can't remember what made me think of him - maybe autumn days and how the only memories I have of him are attached to school, who knows. a first of many funny weirdos who'd get me all squirrelly and hyper just by understanding me.
but like him, and DL, and Jon and Kevin, and Daryn and Mike and any sweet, dorky boy on whom i'd develop a crush and who dared to return my interest, I was exceedingly cruel. and when I say "was" I mean "am". I don't know why it is.
in traffic today, waiting at a light, I thought maybe i'm testing people. being as critical and unforgiving and cagey as i'd learned to approach anyone out of sheer survival, but especially anyone who could potentially devastate me. because when I let someone closecloseclose they're going to see everything they don't like and leave. so why not beat them away before they're ever near enough - just for showing interest. what a weird, dumb, angry kid I am.
tony was so cute, man. I tried googling him a couple of times to see if he'd gone bald, as so many of my high school loves turned out to be. oh - he taught me this thing his mom swore by to help ease swollen nasal cavities during allergy attacks: make a snake bite prong of your first and second finger straddling your nose, hold firm pressure. I think of how sweet to be concerned and show me a little secret to get some relief. I remember the gold hair on his wrists and upper lip as he leaned over to show me where to push.