i'd buy a raccoon, but john already has one - "Island of the Haunted"
I got the Pretender movies on DVD last week, and have only watched Island of the Haunted because, really, who gives a crap about Pretender 2001?
It shall forever, from this day, be known as LOLsland of the Haunted, thanks to THAT SCENE.
You know the one. The one where Jarod's nipples are horribly erect.
Now, THIS SCENE is, for the most part, the money shot for Pretenderites. We don't have slash, much; we don't have twincest, much; and we don't have Broots/Lyle buddy fic (oh, but WHY). We have Miss Parker/Jarod, and it's as sacred as the Pope's hat.
This was how Craig and Steven repaid us for being un-kinky with our 'ships, and for the horrible moment when they tried to trick us but then jumped out from behind the couch and yelled, "LOL KIDDING THEY'RE NOT BRO AND SIS LOLOLOL" and we all hated on them for five minutes (or until we found out her brother was Lyle and HELLO AWESOME).
SCENE: Stuff happened on an Island. Of the haunted, no less. Jarod's mum's there, lots of bad Scottish accents are occuring and there's an old woman named Ocee (no relation to the Mischa Barton television show). Tra la la, Miss P and Jarod get wet - from the rain, ysh - and Ocee thinks Miss Parker would like some tea.
OCEE: "I forsee you taking tea TO THE PARKER GIRL."
JAROD: "Sigh. Give me the freakin' tea. My nipples are far too erect for this."
Look, Jarod. You could poke someone's eyes out with those things, man. But they're erect for a reason other than the cold. Porny reasons.
See, seems we just walked into a bad blue movie. Next minute Ocee will turn into an eighteen year old cheerleader and be demanding they serve the tea off her.
Still, this is one of the few moments we get Jarod-perving-on-Parker, so we should enjoy it like the good fans we are. *enjoys while sniggering at the music*
"Not gonna look, not gonna look, not gonna...SCREW IT."
Jarod, like all good erect-nipple-pretendy-pervy-people, gets SPRUNG like toast out of a toaster.
He tries to cover up the awkwardness by offering tea, and, finally, covering up his nipples with a MANLY WHITE KNIT.
Blah blah, reminiscing, my family sucks, well at least you know yours, lol good times.
There's a rule in the Jarod/Parker relationship - NO TOUCHING. Even when you're cold and the mood changes from tra la la to heated and meaningful. This is a very cute moment, however, and we love Andrea for how she played it.
BUT WAIT - COULD IT BE? BLATANT, AWKNOWLEDGED ATTRACTION AND LOW TALKING?
"Ah, Houston, I believe we've begun our descent into Kissage. In T-Minus five seconds...watch out for the squeeling fans, Houston...
"We've got mouth-openage, Houston! Permission to dock vessles, three, two..."
OCEEEEEEE!
"Houston...we have a problem, Old Blind Woman...returning to base, normalcy returning...confirm fan gallery is ded from suspence, over..."
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is The Pretender's OTP in a nutshell. A rendition of "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by The Stones, anyone, BECAUSE THIS MOVIE IS THE END OF OUR PRESENT CANON.
There's a bit of handholding later, but really, that's like cask wine after Moet. Life is pain, ain't it, Jarod and Miss Parker?
And that, is all you need to know about LOLsland of the Haunted. And some stuff about scrolls and shit, but it makes no sense because Ted Turner's a bitch.
THE END.
Good times, good "Parole" times. Remember when he got prison tatts?
"WHAT'S MY NAME TODAY? OH I CAN JUST LOOK AT MY TUMMY."
Plus more erect nipples. AND LOL waxed chest. I wonder if they washed off and he had to draw them everyday. Or maybe he didn't wash.
Ew.
And to finish, MTW's Patented "SERIOUS ACTOR" face:
Although, how you can at this serious while having your character's name tattooed on your body, I don't know.
OH, SHOW. I LOVE YOU.
It shall forever, from this day, be known as LOLsland of the Haunted, thanks to THAT SCENE.
You know the one. The one where Jarod's nipples are horribly erect.
Now, THIS SCENE is, for the most part, the money shot for Pretenderites. We don't have slash, much; we don't have twincest, much; and we don't have Broots/Lyle buddy fic (oh, but WHY). We have Miss Parker/Jarod, and it's as sacred as the Pope's hat.
This was how Craig and Steven repaid us for being un-kinky with our 'ships, and for the horrible moment when they tried to trick us but then jumped out from behind the couch and yelled, "LOL KIDDING THEY'RE NOT BRO AND SIS LOLOLOL" and we all hated on them for five minutes (or until we found out her brother was Lyle and HELLO AWESOME).
SCENE: Stuff happened on an Island. Of the haunted, no less. Jarod's mum's there, lots of bad Scottish accents are occuring and there's an old woman named Ocee (no relation to the Mischa Barton television show). Tra la la, Miss P and Jarod get wet - from the rain, ysh - and Ocee thinks Miss Parker would like some tea.
OCEE: "I forsee you taking tea TO THE PARKER GIRL."
JAROD: "Sigh. Give me the freakin' tea. My nipples are far too erect for this."
Look, Jarod. You could poke someone's eyes out with those things, man. But they're erect for a reason other than the cold. Porny reasons.
See, seems we just walked into a bad blue movie. Next minute Ocee will turn into an eighteen year old cheerleader and be demanding they serve the tea off her.
Still, this is one of the few moments we get Jarod-perving-on-Parker, so we should enjoy it like the good fans we are. *enjoys while sniggering at the music*
"Not gonna look, not gonna look, not gonna...SCREW IT."
Jarod, like all good erect-nipple-pretendy-pervy-people, gets SPRUNG like toast out of a toaster.
He tries to cover up the awkwardness by offering tea, and, finally, covering up his nipples with a MANLY WHITE KNIT.
Blah blah, reminiscing, my family sucks, well at least you know yours, lol good times.
There's a rule in the Jarod/Parker relationship - NO TOUCHING. Even when you're cold and the mood changes from tra la la to heated and meaningful. This is a very cute moment, however, and we love Andrea for how she played it.
BUT WAIT - COULD IT BE? BLATANT, AWKNOWLEDGED ATTRACTION AND LOW TALKING?
"Ah, Houston, I believe we've begun our descent into Kissage. In T-Minus five seconds...watch out for the squeeling fans, Houston...
"We've got mouth-openage, Houston! Permission to dock vessles, three, two..."
OCEEEEEEE!
"Houston...we have a problem, Old Blind Woman...returning to base, normalcy returning...confirm fan gallery is ded from suspence, over..."
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is The Pretender's OTP in a nutshell. A rendition of "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by The Stones, anyone, BECAUSE THIS MOVIE IS THE END OF OUR PRESENT CANON.
There's a bit of handholding later, but really, that's like cask wine after Moet. Life is pain, ain't it, Jarod and Miss Parker?
And that, is all you need to know about LOLsland of the Haunted. And some stuff about scrolls and shit, but it makes no sense because Ted Turner's a bitch.
THE END.
Good times, good "Parole" times. Remember when he got prison tatts?
"WHAT'S MY NAME TODAY? OH I CAN JUST LOOK AT MY TUMMY."
Plus more erect nipples. AND LOL waxed chest. I wonder if they washed off and he had to draw them everyday. Or maybe he didn't wash.
Ew.
And to finish, MTW's Patented "SERIOUS ACTOR" face:
Although, how you can at this serious while having your character's name tattooed on your body, I don't know.
OH, SHOW. I LOVE YOU.