SHEER PANIC
Ok, I don't know how to explain this, but this is my second entry today. Earlier I was having some relaxing blissful Sunday reflections and now I have moved to a state of sheer PANIC, frustration and utter guilt and anxiety.
What am I doing with my life?!?!
What am I going to do?
I just got back from my inbox for messages from school. I am in this lame group for a terribly difficult class and we got a presentation tomorrow. Trouble is, I havn't checked my inbox for a week and apparently I was holding them back by not replying with my student number. So now I am totally panicky and guilt ridden from this? How could I be so careless? How is it possible that I am the worst student and yes, I am THAT group member... the one who screws it up for the team. How can I see them tomorrow? What am I doing? I am so scared.
Its not just this either, this is simply an example of my virtues as a student.
I am nearly always late.
I don't work on my assignments until they are absolutley neccesary.
I don't do my readings.
I draw during class every chance I get.
I don't comprehend anything in my public admin. class.
I skip class.
I don't keep up with my emails on school related stuff.
I panic near exam time. (that would be me right now)
I don't belong there. It is clear to me. I am a terrible student, no because I am not smart. I am. I am an intellegent person. But I am not an academic. The difference? Ok, just yesterday I was at work being trained in a new department by a guy who is a couple years older than me, an chemistry major and it seems that he is doing his masters or something. We talk differently. I am smart, and I do have a lot to say but damned if I can say it. He is so knowedgable, clear thinking and articulate. If he wrote this, it would sound so intellegent, so well thought out. I am not these things. I talk like I think. I just say things and speak my mind. He is definatly and academic, whereas I am just a student. I can write papers, regurgitate info and understand things, but I am in no way professional about it at face value. I can't take that crap seriously. I mean I love knowledge, and certain things peak my interest... but I am no academic.
Why am I there? I want to be breaking a sweat doing physical labour. I want to make things. The things that I am proud of and value in the way of knowledge are life-skills. Being able to take care of myself. Things I know and want to know are bundled in this list. These are things that I am interested in and desire.
learning to make soap
learning to build a house
gardening
cannning and preserving food
hunting
collecting wild herbs
herb lore and knowldge
using wild medicine
collecting wild food
building a smokehouse or summer kitchen
being part of the land
survival skills
wilderness knowledge
fire building
outdoor cooking
sustainable living
off-grid power sources
energy effecient building
stack-wall constuction
well, you get the point...
But I am too much of a free spirit to fully appreciate my University experience. I just want to live. I am guilty for saying these things. What would everyone say if I never went back and finished? What am I pusuing by going there? Do I want a job from the skills I have learned at University?
I want to do my art
I want to live off the land and create my own food
I want to build my own house
I want to be self sufficent
I want to dictate my own life in pusuit of my goals
I want to be happy
I am stuck in this godforsaken pit of education. And why? Why am I being ungrateful of my chance to be educated in a world of poverty? It isn't what I want. I want to live a simple life. I don't even want "stuff" I am happiest when I just have things I can create on my own. This materialistic consumeristic western lifestyle has got me down.
I don't thing I want what that school can offer me. It doesn't fit me. It isn't me.
What am I doing with my life?!?!
What am I going to do?
I just got back from my inbox for messages from school. I am in this lame group for a terribly difficult class and we got a presentation tomorrow. Trouble is, I havn't checked my inbox for a week and apparently I was holding them back by not replying with my student number. So now I am totally panicky and guilt ridden from this? How could I be so careless? How is it possible that I am the worst student and yes, I am THAT group member... the one who screws it up for the team. How can I see them tomorrow? What am I doing? I am so scared.
Its not just this either, this is simply an example of my virtues as a student.
I am nearly always late.
I don't work on my assignments until they are absolutley neccesary.
I don't do my readings.
I draw during class every chance I get.
I don't comprehend anything in my public admin. class.
I skip class.
I don't keep up with my emails on school related stuff.
I panic near exam time. (that would be me right now)
I don't belong there. It is clear to me. I am a terrible student, no because I am not smart. I am. I am an intellegent person. But I am not an academic. The difference? Ok, just yesterday I was at work being trained in a new department by a guy who is a couple years older than me, an chemistry major and it seems that he is doing his masters or something. We talk differently. I am smart, and I do have a lot to say but damned if I can say it. He is so knowedgable, clear thinking and articulate. If he wrote this, it would sound so intellegent, so well thought out. I am not these things. I talk like I think. I just say things and speak my mind. He is definatly and academic, whereas I am just a student. I can write papers, regurgitate info and understand things, but I am in no way professional about it at face value. I can't take that crap seriously. I mean I love knowledge, and certain things peak my interest... but I am no academic.
Why am I there? I want to be breaking a sweat doing physical labour. I want to make things. The things that I am proud of and value in the way of knowledge are life-skills. Being able to take care of myself. Things I know and want to know are bundled in this list. These are things that I am interested in and desire.
learning to make soap
learning to build a house
gardening
cannning and preserving food
hunting
collecting wild herbs
herb lore and knowldge
using wild medicine
collecting wild food
building a smokehouse or summer kitchen
being part of the land
survival skills
wilderness knowledge
fire building
outdoor cooking
sustainable living
off-grid power sources
energy effecient building
stack-wall constuction
well, you get the point...
But I am too much of a free spirit to fully appreciate my University experience. I just want to live. I am guilty for saying these things. What would everyone say if I never went back and finished? What am I pusuing by going there? Do I want a job from the skills I have learned at University?
I want to do my art
I want to live off the land and create my own food
I want to build my own house
I want to be self sufficent
I want to dictate my own life in pusuit of my goals
I want to be happy
I am stuck in this godforsaken pit of education. And why? Why am I being ungrateful of my chance to be educated in a world of poverty? It isn't what I want. I want to live a simple life. I don't even want "stuff" I am happiest when I just have things I can create on my own. This materialistic consumeristic western lifestyle has got me down.
I don't thing I want what that school can offer me. It doesn't fit me. It isn't me.