why is it so hard to be Responsible
physical tiredness is one thing. that you can just get some caffeine, or lollygag in bed for a day or two, or go read a book somewhere, and it'll be gewd and you'll feel better.
what This is, I'm just - tired beyond reason. senselessly tired. tired tired tired tired tired. tired of grading and I've only graded 35 papers (plus 2x4 classes of classwork/HW). tired of teaching and I'm only five weeks in. tired of winter and cold and early-finished days, and it's only 3 weeks past the equinox. (though it's getting dark 4.30 nowadays, sundown at 4.50, full dark by 5.20) tired of dealing with Bitchface Crazyfuck, even though she's only jsut re-started talking to me (albeit in the same "it's all your fault I fail at life" tone). tired of not being able to write. tired of waiting. tired of being here. tired of worrying about shit back home. tired of being out of the loop. tired of admin difficulties. tired of being alone. tired of not being able to have the conversations I want, about interesting things, more than jsut the times per week I skype with the people who can have those conversations.
blablablablabalbalablabalbalablablblablablablablabla shut up pico there's nothing the fuck to complain about you live in friggin CHINA so stop your bitchin
butbutbut
I'm goign to LJ Cut this, so nubuddy dussn has to see my complainsomeness if they don't wanna to
so dere
4srs, though, I think a lot of this desperation and frustration is due to a lack of writing. I haven't written in months - and I don't count 1000-word one-off short-stories, because that's like a sip from the water bottle. I want to open the tap again.
(but when can I? I've got grading out the wazoo, and if not grading then classes, and if not classes then classplanning and studying, and if not classplanning and studying I am so mentally and emotionally tired that about all I can manage is curling up in front of my PC and watching old action movies.)
Maybe a bout of reading would do me good, but when?
Certainly a bout of writing would do me good, but again - when the fuck can I?
When when when when whenever there is no time for anything ever anymore, I swear. It's stressing me wright the fuck out.
it's fall. it's colding. and the aspen leaves are changing and falling and the birchleaves are gold and bright and the walnut leaves are mostly gone or curled up brown, and the berries on some whatevertheyare trees out front of our building are bright bright orange, with leaves that are falling by hte day. the begonias are all stretched up desperate. I want to go to the botanical gardens (but I can't) to see what's what color (because I have grading) and i want to go to Sun Island (but I can't) to see what it looks like in the fall (but I have grading) and I want to go to Zhongyang Street (but I can't) and just wander and see people and enjoy not having to worry (but I can't that either because I have grading and I have to enter all the marks and then I have to plan my Reports section so that crazylady doesn't tear me a new one like she's probably hoping to, and I have to plan my STS classes (all four of them) and I have to Be Sociable and I have to make time and energy for a thousand hundred things and where can I get that?)
I want to walk downtown and walk acrosst the railroad bridge and see the city and hte river all laid out below and before me, and then go and see the trees and edges of the park, and
no not realy
where I really want to go is: the bike path.
(a 12,000-mile fieldtrip.)
One of the first things I do when I get home is to walk around the yard barefoot and smell everything. All the leaves and trees and grasses and earth and green growing things that are alive and are not cement.
tl;dr: in which pico complains about being tired and wants to go home (no surprise thar)