dude in my brain
cross-posted to asexuality; posted here with a few more personal details.
So. Dudes, Ladies, and Everyone Else:
I've got a question for yous.
I am asexual. I know this. I've known it since I was nineteen, which believe me is a handful of years. I've been on the LJ asexuality comm since then, too, so I know people's stories. I don't have a problem with my asexuality, but rather a different sort of problem.
Background: I'm heteroromantic. I've had one boyfriend. For this boyfriend I had, during the relationships, some feelings, but they've since been overridden by stronger feelings of Do Not Want, and so I can't quite clearly remember what they felt like. (He liked me more than I did him; he broke us up, then became infatuated when I wanted to stay broken up. Long story, not now.) Anyway, it was three years ago.
You dudes know this, but I included that paragraph on the asexuality comm for people to understand. That was Bagel - I sort of had a liking for him during the relationship, but I knew very clearly that it was not Love Etc.
Right now I'm having feelings for another dude.
They are completely mysterious to me, because I know it's not ~*♥lo~oove♥*~, but I think it might be ... mental attraction?
They feel like this: I talk to the dude, and during talking it's awesome and fun. And then after talking I keep thinking about dude and want to talk and know more. And I feel like I can tell him stuff that matters or that I don't tell others, despite I haven't known him as long. And I make an effort to read his posts and statuses more than other people's.
(A bit of explanation: he's Chinese, I'm a foreigner here, and when he posts on 人人, the Facebook analogue, it is indeed an effort to read because whee, 口语. otoh, when we talk, he speaks English, and in fact speaks it well enough that I can talk about serious, interesting things with him.)
I explained this to asexuality too, briefly. Yes, people, this is the dude of a few entries ago.
So. My feelings: they are very pointed towards him. I do not know why. Alls I know is I want to be around him and talk to him and think rather well of him.
QUESTION ONE: BASED ON THIS EVIDENCE, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD MAKE MY FEELINGS KNOWN?
Unfortunately, there's an issue. We hung out, a few weeks ago, on what I thought was a date. I thought it for the seven hours (!) we spent together, talking, and was squeeing a little inside, all up to the point of five seconds before we parted ways, saying he wasn't available to meet during the holiday because he was hoping for a date. "Yeah, there's a girl I haven't seen for a year, and we kinda have feelings for each other."
Paint me a thousand colors of confused! We talked for seven hours, and ... and then this?
(Confusion also because of various pictures and quotes on 人人 and comments to and from that I have no idea how to interpret. Confusion continuing because he is including my profile pic as an example of "beautiful" in a powerpoint on Thurs., and felt it necessary to text me to tell me (ie, ask me if I didn't mind).)
My feelings continue, irritatingly enough. Every time I see him - and I see him twice a week at chorus practice - I am extremely aware of where he is and what he's doing/saying. And I look forward to walking back after practice because we get to talk and he almost always walks me back to my dorm before going to his.
We talked for an hour tonight after chorus. An hour. An hour. About something most people would not talk an hour about.
He is a bass. I am an alto. He stands right behind me.
lolololololoooooolllllmybraaaaiiiiinnnnnnnnohgodmybrainwhatisitdoing.
I have been trying for the past seventeen days (how long it's been since the What Do You Mean It's Not A Date) to tamp down/squash/cut off my feelings like baby grass. Unfortunately, they are not baby grass feelings - they are weed feelings. They keep coming back. Especially when watered - every time we talk for a few minutes, I spend the next few hours thinking intermittantly about him, and when we talk, like tonight, for an hour - well, you can see why I am writing this entry.
I ain't a fan of feelings-ambiguity. I am tempted to 1) ask him how his ?date went, and 2) then tell him directly, "I have feelings for you but I don't know what they are."
QUESTION TWO: DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?
I can see both advantages and drawbacks to doing this. I do not want to step into the middle of anyone's feelings for each other. I do not want to mess anyone up.
And I know I'm only going to be here for another year and a half. But ... so is he. And I'm going to America after this. But ... so does he want to.
But I'm asexual, and odds are 99% certain he is not.
But I am getting damn tired of the ambiguity - either there's mutuality here, which would be great, or there isn't, in which case I can tell my brain to pull the feelings out by the roots and get the damn on with my life.
So...
... yeah. You guys' thoughts?
(He's presenting that PPT at English Corner on Thursday - tomorrow. I am going to decide what to do by then. I am tired of waffling. And I am really tired of shutting me up in the face of mixed signals.)
ETA: LOOK A LINK. I like this link because 3 is the case (I am at that awkward point where I find it very hard not to stare, and I know staring is scary), and I am hoping 6 or 8 would occur. 5 is at the way far Pluto edge of possibility so I will but mention it as a pipe dream.
So. Dudes, Ladies, and Everyone Else:
I've got a question for yous.
I am asexual. I know this. I've known it since I was nineteen, which believe me is a handful of years. I've been on the LJ asexuality comm since then, too, so I know people's stories. I don't have a problem with my asexuality, but rather a different sort of problem.
Background: I'm heteroromantic. I've had one boyfriend. For this boyfriend I had, during the relationships, some feelings, but they've since been overridden by stronger feelings of Do Not Want, and so I can't quite clearly remember what they felt like. (He liked me more than I did him; he broke us up, then became infatuated when I wanted to stay broken up. Long story, not now.) Anyway, it was three years ago.
You dudes know this, but I included that paragraph on the asexuality comm for people to understand. That was Bagel - I sort of had a liking for him during the relationship, but I knew very clearly that it was not Love Etc.
Right now I'm having feelings for another dude.
They are completely mysterious to me, because I know it's not ~*♥lo~oove♥*~, but I think it might be ... mental attraction?
They feel like this: I talk to the dude, and during talking it's awesome and fun. And then after talking I keep thinking about dude and want to talk and know more. And I feel like I can tell him stuff that matters or that I don't tell others, despite I haven't known him as long. And I make an effort to read his posts and statuses more than other people's.
(A bit of explanation: he's Chinese, I'm a foreigner here, and when he posts on 人人, the Facebook analogue, it is indeed an effort to read because whee, 口语. otoh, when we talk, he speaks English, and in fact speaks it well enough that I can talk about serious, interesting things with him.)
I explained this to asexuality too, briefly. Yes, people, this is the dude of a few entries ago.
So. My feelings: they are very pointed towards him. I do not know why. Alls I know is I want to be around him and talk to him and think rather well of him.
QUESTION ONE: BASED ON THIS EVIDENCE, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD MAKE MY FEELINGS KNOWN?
Unfortunately, there's an issue. We hung out, a few weeks ago, on what I thought was a date. I thought it for the seven hours (!) we spent together, talking, and was squeeing a little inside, all up to the point of five seconds before we parted ways, saying he wasn't available to meet during the holiday because he was hoping for a date. "Yeah, there's a girl I haven't seen for a year, and we kinda have feelings for each other."
Paint me a thousand colors of confused! We talked for seven hours, and ... and then this?
(Confusion also because of various pictures and quotes on 人人 and comments to and from that I have no idea how to interpret. Confusion continuing because he is including my profile pic as an example of "beautiful" in a powerpoint on Thurs., and felt it necessary to text me to tell me (ie, ask me if I didn't mind).)
My feelings continue, irritatingly enough. Every time I see him - and I see him twice a week at chorus practice - I am extremely aware of where he is and what he's doing/saying. And I look forward to walking back after practice because we get to talk and he almost always walks me back to my dorm before going to his.
We talked for an hour tonight after chorus. An hour. An hour. About something most people would not talk an hour about.
He is a bass. I am an alto. He stands right behind me.
lolololololoooooolllllmybraaaaiiiiinnnnnnnnohgodmybrainwhatisitdoing.
I have been trying for the past seventeen days (how long it's been since the What Do You Mean It's Not A Date) to tamp down/squash/cut off my feelings like baby grass. Unfortunately, they are not baby grass feelings - they are weed feelings. They keep coming back. Especially when watered - every time we talk for a few minutes, I spend the next few hours thinking intermittantly about him, and when we talk, like tonight, for an hour - well, you can see why I am writing this entry.
I ain't a fan of feelings-ambiguity. I am tempted to 1) ask him how his ?date went, and 2) then tell him directly, "I have feelings for you but I don't know what they are."
QUESTION TWO: DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?
I can see both advantages and drawbacks to doing this. I do not want to step into the middle of anyone's feelings for each other. I do not want to mess anyone up.
And I know I'm only going to be here for another year and a half. But ... so is he. And I'm going to America after this. But ... so does he want to.
But I'm asexual, and odds are 99% certain he is not.
But I am getting damn tired of the ambiguity - either there's mutuality here, which would be great, or there isn't, in which case I can tell my brain to pull the feelings out by the roots and get the damn on with my life.
So...
... yeah. You guys' thoughts?
(He's presenting that PPT at English Corner on Thursday - tomorrow. I am going to decide what to do by then. I am tired of waffling. And I am really tired of shutting me up in the face of mixed signals.)
ETA: LOOK A LINK. I like this link because 3 is the case (I am at that awkward point where I find it very hard not to stare, and I know staring is scary), and I am hoping 6 or 8 would occur. 5 is at the way far Pluto edge of possibility so I will but mention it as a pipe dream.