Mid-Semester Reflection....not so much
There's so much I want to say that I've been holding in because I was too lazy to organize it, but as the days pass, more piled on and now it's got to come out or I know I'm never going to write it and I'll regret it at the end of the year. Wow, what a run-on...
From Jan. 28, 2008: "i think i've grown up quite a bit over the past couple of weeks, and i have a feeling that this year's gonna take on that momentum with all these challenges up ahead...leadership staff at work, student-teaching, balancing the two, working out relationships, stepping up at camp..among other things. hopefully i won't fall flat on my face too many times. just taking it a day at a time right now...though i am considering quitting my job to focus on the credential program. we'll see, who knows? i'm sure i'll complain, but it'll be all good when at the end of the year, i can reflect and smile."
Maybe it's the weather, or maybe I'm...growing up. This chapter of life is coming to an end, and things will never be the same again. You could argue that each day is different and never the same, but for all my life that i can remember, the role of student has been a primary focus and soon, it's going to change. I may be a student again, but never will it be a primary role anymore. I will always be something else AND a student. I know I say I really dislike labels, which I do, but there's just something about this that makes me kinda sad.
Aside from stepping away from the student role, I was also kinda sad thinking about all the things I most likely won't experience anymore...or won't have the ease off experiencing anymore. Like working with infants and toddlers. I still remember that day walking to the interview at the Children's Center and leaving thinking how I totally nailed it (which I still can't believe I did to this day), and here I am two years later. Some of those kids I've worked with since they were just 6 months old and now they're 2 1/2 years old. You get attached to infants/toddlers differently than with older kids. I mean, I've changed these kids' diapers, rocked them to sleep, held them when they were sad, potty-trained them, shared their discoveries and so many of their firsts, watched them go from rolling to crawling to walking to running, from liquids only to baby food to real food, from diapers to pullups to undies, from crying to signing to speaking...I mean, gosh, they're MY kids. I'm going to miss my coworkers as well...they've changed over the semesters, but there's a core bunch of us who have been together since the beginning and it'll be hard to leave them.
Then there's just SoCal in general...the people and the places. I'm sure I'll keep in contact with friends from down here, but it's not the same. I'm not going to be able to hit the Block anymore to catch a movie late at night or go to Craig's to play frisbee or just walk in the arboretum. There won't be that warm sunny weather anymore...no more wearing sundresses, shorts, and tanks/camis and basking in the warmth of the sun b/c SF weather is just not like that.
The thing is that even though I'm sad about all these things coming to an end, I'm happy at the same time and excited about what's to come. I think that's what makes me feel like I'm actually growing up...being able to embrace the different feelings about the situations. Blah blah blah..okay I was actually in a very happy mood when I started this entry but talking about all the things I'm going to miss is bringing me down so it's time to switch it up and change the topic....
So yea, I'm officially the Adventurers director. I've always said that I wouldn't want to direct, but hey, things change...I changed. I'm extremely excited, but I'm a little (a lot) concerned. I don't really like how "Oh, but it's Pickle Juice" serves as a reason for things. What does that mean? I mean, I get what they're trying to say...but I think it's bad b/c I feel like they have really high expectations of me. I have high expectations for being a director because I've had some really awesome directors in the past, but it just worries me that they're blindly entrusting me with this role b/c of my name and, I guess, my reputation (?). Like she said, "We're doing interviews for the other directors, but I mean you're Pickle Juice." I feel like that should be my excuse for if they don't feel like I meet their expectations later..."Well, it's not my fault b/c you never interviewed me to see if I was qualified for directing." Ok, but for real though, I'm uber excited.
My sisters are coming down at the end of next week...We're going to disneyland...suuuuper excited about that! But yea, with what I said in my old entry about working on relationships...here's a couple of relationships I hadn't even thought of when i wrote that, but wow, they sure have changed, mostly with Steph. This will be an interesting experience with them visiting. We'll see how it goes.
As for other relationships, I'm really glad we decided not to establish any labels when I had to come back down here. At first, I was more or less neutral about that decision, but now, I'm definitely a proponent of it. I think if we had labeled it, I would've been unhappy because I would've felt tied down to something I didn't have anymore (since it was up in SF) whereas now, I like it because I don't have that obligation of checking in but do so because I actually want to and knowing that it's the same the other way around. I guess what it comes down to is being able to tell whether something is done out of obligation or just because. Does that make sense? It does to me...
The other day I was on the bus and thinking about how marriage is kinda funny...funny as in strange. I mean, other than for practical reasons, why get married? It's the ultimate commitment...but is it? Society says it is...but what does that really mean? What's the difference between a married lifelong couple and a non-married lifelong couple besides all the technical stuff? Is their love and commitment to each other any different? In fact, you might say that the non-married couple is more committed to each other than the married couple b/c the married couple may just be together b/c the certificate says they're married. I mean, I'd love to get married...for the tradition of it...but when you really think about it, what does it even mean? I guess it goes back to the obligation thing.
Another time on the bus, I was thinking...isn't it crazy that an egg and a sperm come together and you get a kid?! Who decided that?! Like...it's just crazy...can't even wrap my mind around that right now. I know it happens...and cells divide and multiply and blah..but really though...it's just kinda crazy. it's also kinda funny how sex plays into all this...how something people do when their minds are so not on having kids and yet, sex is the process of making kids practically speaking.
Okay...I don't know what happened with this entry. It turned out very schizo I think. I didn't really get to say everything I wanted...but I think this is way more than either you or I can handle right now so...yup. Next time, I'll write more clearly and talk about my student teaching because there was a lot I wanted to say about that.
From Jan. 28, 2008: "i think i've grown up quite a bit over the past couple of weeks, and i have a feeling that this year's gonna take on that momentum with all these challenges up ahead...leadership staff at work, student-teaching, balancing the two, working out relationships, stepping up at camp..among other things. hopefully i won't fall flat on my face too many times. just taking it a day at a time right now...though i am considering quitting my job to focus on the credential program. we'll see, who knows? i'm sure i'll complain, but it'll be all good when at the end of the year, i can reflect and smile."
Maybe it's the weather, or maybe I'm...growing up. This chapter of life is coming to an end, and things will never be the same again. You could argue that each day is different and never the same, but for all my life that i can remember, the role of student has been a primary focus and soon, it's going to change. I may be a student again, but never will it be a primary role anymore. I will always be something else AND a student. I know I say I really dislike labels, which I do, but there's just something about this that makes me kinda sad.
Aside from stepping away from the student role, I was also kinda sad thinking about all the things I most likely won't experience anymore...or won't have the ease off experiencing anymore. Like working with infants and toddlers. I still remember that day walking to the interview at the Children's Center and leaving thinking how I totally nailed it (which I still can't believe I did to this day), and here I am two years later. Some of those kids I've worked with since they were just 6 months old and now they're 2 1/2 years old. You get attached to infants/toddlers differently than with older kids. I mean, I've changed these kids' diapers, rocked them to sleep, held them when they were sad, potty-trained them, shared their discoveries and so many of their firsts, watched them go from rolling to crawling to walking to running, from liquids only to baby food to real food, from diapers to pullups to undies, from crying to signing to speaking...I mean, gosh, they're MY kids. I'm going to miss my coworkers as well...they've changed over the semesters, but there's a core bunch of us who have been together since the beginning and it'll be hard to leave them.
Then there's just SoCal in general...the people and the places. I'm sure I'll keep in contact with friends from down here, but it's not the same. I'm not going to be able to hit the Block anymore to catch a movie late at night or go to Craig's to play frisbee or just walk in the arboretum. There won't be that warm sunny weather anymore...no more wearing sundresses, shorts, and tanks/camis and basking in the warmth of the sun b/c SF weather is just not like that.
The thing is that even though I'm sad about all these things coming to an end, I'm happy at the same time and excited about what's to come. I think that's what makes me feel like I'm actually growing up...being able to embrace the different feelings about the situations. Blah blah blah..okay I was actually in a very happy mood when I started this entry but talking about all the things I'm going to miss is bringing me down so it's time to switch it up and change the topic....
So yea, I'm officially the Adventurers director. I've always said that I wouldn't want to direct, but hey, things change...I changed. I'm extremely excited, but I'm a little (a lot) concerned. I don't really like how "Oh, but it's Pickle Juice" serves as a reason for things. What does that mean? I mean, I get what they're trying to say...but I think it's bad b/c I feel like they have really high expectations of me. I have high expectations for being a director because I've had some really awesome directors in the past, but it just worries me that they're blindly entrusting me with this role b/c of my name and, I guess, my reputation (?). Like she said, "We're doing interviews for the other directors, but I mean you're Pickle Juice." I feel like that should be my excuse for if they don't feel like I meet their expectations later..."Well, it's not my fault b/c you never interviewed me to see if I was qualified for directing." Ok, but for real though, I'm uber excited.
My sisters are coming down at the end of next week...We're going to disneyland...suuuuper excited about that! But yea, with what I said in my old entry about working on relationships...here's a couple of relationships I hadn't even thought of when i wrote that, but wow, they sure have changed, mostly with Steph. This will be an interesting experience with them visiting. We'll see how it goes.
As for other relationships, I'm really glad we decided not to establish any labels when I had to come back down here. At first, I was more or less neutral about that decision, but now, I'm definitely a proponent of it. I think if we had labeled it, I would've been unhappy because I would've felt tied down to something I didn't have anymore (since it was up in SF) whereas now, I like it because I don't have that obligation of checking in but do so because I actually want to and knowing that it's the same the other way around. I guess what it comes down to is being able to tell whether something is done out of obligation or just because. Does that make sense? It does to me...
The other day I was on the bus and thinking about how marriage is kinda funny...funny as in strange. I mean, other than for practical reasons, why get married? It's the ultimate commitment...but is it? Society says it is...but what does that really mean? What's the difference between a married lifelong couple and a non-married lifelong couple besides all the technical stuff? Is their love and commitment to each other any different? In fact, you might say that the non-married couple is more committed to each other than the married couple b/c the married couple may just be together b/c the certificate says they're married. I mean, I'd love to get married...for the tradition of it...but when you really think about it, what does it even mean? I guess it goes back to the obligation thing.
Another time on the bus, I was thinking...isn't it crazy that an egg and a sperm come together and you get a kid?! Who decided that?! Like...it's just crazy...can't even wrap my mind around that right now. I know it happens...and cells divide and multiply and blah..but really though...it's just kinda crazy. it's also kinda funny how sex plays into all this...how something people do when their minds are so not on having kids and yet, sex is the process of making kids practically speaking.
Okay...I don't know what happened with this entry. It turned out very schizo I think. I didn't really get to say everything I wanted...but I think this is way more than either you or I can handle right now so...yup. Next time, I'll write more clearly and talk about my student teaching because there was a lot I wanted to say about that.