Fanfiction: Rules for Roommates, modern au, WIP (10/11)
Title: Rules for Roommates - 10/11
Fandom: Merlin (Merlin/Arthur)
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 3k (35k so far)
Summary: Modern AU. Arthur works in publishing and is ashamed to tell anyone he's secretly editing erotica, and being bullied by one of his authors - the arrogant 'Lake Anders'. He's also just taken in a new roommate, the adorable Merlin Emrys, who is definitely Not His Type. Or is he?
Author notes: The end is in sight! I completely re-wrote this chapter from scratch TWICE but totally know where it's going now, hooray. The celebrity 'lost phone' story is 100% true. But I've never done Jagerbombs before resigning. (Tempted as I might be.)
Previous chapters: CHAPTER ONE; CHAPTER TWO; CHAPTER THREE; CHAPTER FOUR; CHAPTER FIVE CHAPTER SIX; CHAPTER SEVEN; CHAPTER EIGHT;
CHAPTER NINE
By the time they were all ready for pudding, everyone was fairly pissed. Arthur was at that hazy, fun stage of drunkenness where you feel warm and fuzzy but are still a way off from doing anything embarrassing.
Gwen was busy telling ridiculous stories about her job as an actors' agent and making everyone choke on their wine.
'So then she started screaming down the phone 'and if that's not bad enough, I've lost my motherfucking cellphone! How am I supposed to call anyone without my motherfucking cellphone?' to which I calmly responded 'take a deep breath, realise you're talking on it to me, and hang up. We'll forget this ever happened.''
'Fuck off, what did she say to that?' Will leaned in, spellbound.
'She just said the word 'fuck' and then the phone went dead. We never mentioned it again.'
Will shook his head, 'Celebrities, eh? All fucking mental.'
'As if you've ever met any!' Merlin lobbed a pea at his head. It missed by a mile.
'I'll have you know I met Katie Price at an appearance at Faces once.'
'You are so classy,' Merlin said, lining up a second pea to flick at his face as Will waggled his tongue at him.
'I used to model with Katie Price, back before Peter Andre,' Elena chipped in, distracting Merlin from his vegetable-based assault with a hand on his sleeve. 'Back when she was getting all filthy with Dane Bowers. I walked in on them once,' she shuddered, theatrically. 'They were filming it.' She looked off into the distance, 'God, imagine if that video exists. Filth, and then me just come out of hair and make-up in lingerie in the background saying 'oh dear lord!' over and over in an increasingly high-pitched way.'
Arthur could tell from the look on Will's face that he wished a very different kind of video existed of Elena.
'Ah, that's nothing,' Gwen giggled. 'I once had to extricate one of my boss's actors from a very messy situation involving three strippers, a dominatrix, and a paddling pool of jelly. I ended up falling in, fully-clothed. Oh, the things I've seen...' she struck a melodramatic pose, hand to forehead, as Lance laughed so much Arthur thought he might fall off his chair.
It was at times like this that Arthur remembered why he had loved Gwen. She was smart, and funny, and very good at bringing people together. And now he could look past how bitter he'd been at the time, he realised how much better she was with Lance. Lance complemented her personality perfectly. Arthur had always been in conflict with it. He'd not been in a good place at the time and he'd underestimated Gwen, patronised her, and taken her for granted. He regretted his behaviour now, even though it wasn't as if he wanted to get back with her. Not when Merlin was sat right there, loose-limbed and happy, leaning on Elena's shoulder and making her laugh with whatever he was muttering in her ear.
'Right. Puddings.' Arthur said, more to himself than anyone else, rubbing his hands as he pictured the concoction he had waiting in the kitchen. The only way to describe it was 'diabetes inducing'.
'D'you want a hand?' Merlin swayed to his feet. 'I bloody love puddings, what have you made, Nigella?'
'Ha. Ha. Rather too flat-chested and small-of-hip to be Nigella,' Arthur pointed out. 'I've made Eton Mess.'
'Brilliant,' Merlin breathed, following him through to the kitchen. 'Did you go to Eton?'
'No,' Arthur said, pointedly, as Merlin had said the word 'Eton' in the same tone of voice one normally reserved for serial-killers or racists. 'I actually went to Winchester.'
'You're such a rah,' Merlin said, ruffling Arthur's hair.
'Fuck off, Merlin, just because you grew up like one of the cast of Shameless,' Arthur retorted, smearing whipped cream over Merlin's nose in a fit of pique.
Merlin smiled like the cat who'd got the cream and stuck his finger in it, tasting it. 'Hmm, s'good. Could have done with some more framboise though.'
'You cheeky sod.' Arthur balanced the bowl of Eton Mess and turned to Merlin, 'You can carry the bowls, dickhead.'
'Well, when you ask so sweetly...' Merlin winked at him.
***
When Arthur shut the door on Will and Elena it was 1am. He leaned back against it and sighed, 'So?'
'So what?' Merlin teased.
'So was it a good birthday party?' he persisted. His stomach fluttered. He felt absurdly nervous about Merlin's verdict.
'It was bloody brilliant,' Merlin smiled. 'You are so amazingly nice to me. So funny, and handsome, and kind, and you make actual puddings. And I never really said thank you enough for my present.'
Arthur smiled, 'You're welcome. God, you're effusive when pissed.'
'Nah, don't laugh it off, I mean it,' Merlin said, insistently.
Arthur wondered where this was going. Merlin looked intent. And adorable, with his ruffed up hair and slight flush on his cheeks from the wine.
'Yeah, well, I think you're amazing too. You're, um,' he stuttered into silence. 'You mean the world to me,' he settled on eventually, looking fixedly at his shoes. 'Anyway,' he said, with forced jollity, 'the washing-up won't do itself!'
Merlin laughed, 'Do you think it's really safe to do the washing-up when drunk?'
'Well, no,' Arthur admitted, 'but it is much, much better to attack it when pissed than to wake up tomorrow, shivering, slightly queasy, and come downstairs to a kitchen resembling a bombsite. In fact,' he paused, 'there must be a word for that. It's something that happens to every dinner-party host the morning after.'
'You're ridiculous,' Merlin snorted, then he groaned as he took in exactly how awful the kitchen looked. Empty wine-bottles crowded the surfaces, grated cheese was on the floor, plates were stacked haphazardly and there were approximately one million filthy saucepans jostling for space by the sink.
'See?' Arthur said, gesturing at the empty packets, and the wine-glasses jostling for work-surface space. 'Better to do it when our old friend vino has taken the edge off, than tomorrow when hanging.'
'You're right,' Merlin shuddered. He put on an elaborately innocent face for a moment, 'Are you sure I should be doing it on my birthday?'
'Nice try. Here's a black bin-bag, get started.'
Merlin prevaricated with putting his iPod on as Arthur sucked in a breath, decided to start with loading the dishwasher. He looked up and frowned as the music began.
'Have you just put on 'Whistle While You Work'?' he asked.
'Yes,' Merlin was defiant. 'I fucking love Disney.'
'You are such an odd-bod,' Arthur said, laughing as Merlin theatrically whistled along. He felt such waves of affection whenever he looked at Merlin, like he wanted to pinch his cheeks, and bite his hipbones, and squeeze him til he popped. The last thought shocked Arthur a little, that was just weird. 'Will's fun, isn't he?'
'Yeah, it was so nice of you track him down, we've been mates since we were little. And really nice of you to invite Lance and Gwen, considering...'
'That's all in the past,' Arthur insisted, gingerly balancing a stack of plates. 'I am totally over her. I like her a lot but she is far better with Lance than she ever was with me.'
'Do you not get lonely sometimes?' Merlin asked.
'Well, yes, but... I'd rather be alone and lonely than with the wrong person for the sake of it.'
'Which is where I fell down,' Merlin sighed forlornly. 'I had my head turned by the first guy that showed me interest. I let him treat me like a fool and just kept running back. I feel so embarrassed when I think about it, like I want to march round there and have it out with him and tell him what I really think of him. Really mean stuff, you know?'
'Like what?'
'Like... that penetrative sex doesn't have to be the be-all and end-all and sometimes it's actually quite nice to just touch each other. And, and, that if I don't come from sex it's not my fault and that he eats far too much protein to be healthy and that his breath smells from all the meat and that anyone who actually likes 'Top Gun' in a non-ironic way is a bell-end.' He paused for breath.
'Fucking hell, still waters run deep, eh?'
'He made me feel so ugly, and sexless,' Merlin shivered unhappily.
'You're gorgeous, Merlin,' Arthur said earnestly. 'Honestly, you're one of the most handsome guys I've ever met.' He busied himself with the washing-up so he didn't have to look at him, until he felt Merlin's hand on his arm.
'Do you mean that?' Merlin looked unsure.
'Yes, I do,' Arthur said fervently. 'I thought it from the moment I met you - that there's something about you.'
Merlin came forward then and wrapped Arthur into a hug, laying his head on his shoulder. Arthur stayed tense in his arms.
'You're such a boarding-school boy,' Merlin said, without looking up. 'So bloody awkward when it comes to affection and physical contact.'
Arthur snorted, 'Thanks, Freud. And you're like a stray cat, rubbing yourself up against the provider of food.' But he relaxed against Merlin, breathed him in, let his hands skate round to his waist.
Merlin looked at him, arms still around his shoulders, as if they were slow-dancing at a primary school disco to 'Two Become One'. For one painfully hopeful moment Arthur thought that Merlin was going to kiss him and then he said, 'You're the best mate I could hope for. I hope you know how much everything you've done means to me.'
'Yeah,' Arthur said, to a spot just to the left of Merlin's ear so he didn't have to meet his eyes, worried that some of what he was feeling would leak into them. 'I feel the same.'
They stayed that way for a while, swaying to the incongruous background music of 'The best of Disney' before Arthur called halt to things and insisted they buckle down to some more cleaning.
'Spoilsport,' Merlin stuck his tongue out at him.
In reality, there were few things Arthur would rather have done than slow-dance with Merlin but he had slowly been becoming aroused, which would have been embarrassing. Plus, whenever Merlin said something about them being 'just friends' he thought he might cry - even more embarrassing.
So instead he cleaned, and wiped down, and recycled all the empties, and laughed and joked with Merlin, even whilst inside he felt nausea that had nothing to do with the amount of wine he had consumed.
***
'As plans go it's one of your worst,' Leon said, over breakfast at The Delaunay on Monday. Leon was important enough that he could have breakfast meetings and not feel like a dickhead, and Arthur could occasionally slope in late and claim he'd been seeing an agent. Arthur, as a rule, despised breakfast meetings as they required him to get up early, and the dickhead to normal person ratio in restaurants was significantly worse at breakfast time. But Leon seemed to be bloody busy (shagging probably) every evening at the moment, so breakfast was the only time he could do.
'I don't think it's my worst,' Arthur snapped, taking a sip of tea and scalding his tongue. For fuck's sake.
'I didn't say it was your worst,' Leon said. 'That title is reserved for when you decided the best way to 'take the edge off' telling your Dad you were leaving the firm was doing two Jagerbombs at 11am.'
Arthur suddenly became very interested in whether his cufflinks were straight or not.
'You remember,' Leon persisted. 'You slapped the arse of his secretary and were sick in his umbrella stand.'
'Yes I remember,' Arthur hissed.
'Well this comes a close second. Instead of patiently waiting for Merlin to get over things with Percy and then ask him out, you're going to arrange a 'getting to know you' lunch with 'Lake Anderson' in a public place, where, ta-da, you reveal you're you and he's Merlin and that you've been reading the filthy porn he's been writing about you. Is that the long and the short of it?'
'Yes,' Arthur said defiantly. 'Although it sounds a little bit risky when you say it like that.'
'A little bit risky?' Leon mocked. 'That's like saying the BNP is 'a little bit' racist. He will be mortified and angry.'
'Yeah, or,' Arthur said, around a mouthful of bacon, 'he'll be all 'Arthur knows how I feel, I don't want to hide it any more' and then we get together.'
Leon made a face, 'Yeah, my suggestion is far more believable, sorry to say.' He didn't look sorry, Arthur concluded. He looked smug, if anything.
'You're not being very supportive,' Arthur said sniffily. 'And this bacon is very salty.'
Leon rolled his eyes, 'You're not paying for breakfast so you don't get to complain. And I'm sorry, but I'm not going to support such a terrible, terrible plan. I think you need to tell Merlin the truth in private, that Nimueh told you that he writes porn, and that you're his editor, and that you'll see if someone else can edit him as this is awkward.'
'Nope,' Arthur said cheerily. 'My plan is way better.'
'Do you actually believe that?' Leon bit into his bacon. 'Fuck, it is salty.'
'Told you so. And yes, yes I do.' Arthur said. 'In fact, I'm issuing the invite now.' He pulled out his iPhone. 'Dear Lake, given your recent nominations for erotic fiction, I thought it would be nice if we met face to face. Are you free for lunch this week? Kind regards, Arthur.'
'This is a bad idea,' Leon warned.
'Your face is a bad idea,' Arthur retorted.
'What does that even mean?' Leon asked.
'What does your face even mean?'
'Oh fuck off and drink your tea,' Leon sighed. 'Just don't come crying to me when this all goes horribly wrong.'
'I won't, because it won't. See, see,' his phone was already vibrating with an email, 'Lake can have lunch on Thursday. Ha. Ha!'
'You're an idiot,' Leon said. 'At least promise me you won't have some Jagerbombs beforehand?'
'Ha. Ha.' Arthur said, sarcastically, putting his phone away with a flourish. 'No Jagerbombs. Maybe some sambuca instead?' He joked.
Leon rolled his eyes, 'I hope for your sake this plan works out better than I suspect it will.'
'Yeah, me too,' Arthur stabbed his poached egg mutinously. 'Because living with him in a platonic way is slowly killing me.'
'I've never seen you like this before,' Leon admitted.
'It's because he's so special,' Arthur said, again finding his cuff-links fascinating.
Leon covered his hand with his own, looked at him earnestly. 'I'll leave my phone on all Thursday afternoon, alright. So call me if you need to?'
'Yeah,' Arthur swallowed, awkwardly. 'I will. Thanks.' But the thought of defeat just wasn't one he could entertain. Maybe Leon was right, maybe this was a very stupid idea, but he had to do something to make Merlin admit that he felt that way about Arthur too. He wouldn't even let himself consider the possibility that the fiction was just that - fiction - and that Merlin really did just see him as a mate.
'I'd better get back to work,' Leon sighed, making the international gesture for 'bill, please' to the waitress. 'Good luck mate.'
'Cheers, not that I'll need it,' Arthur said cockily, but he knew that Leon saw straight through it. He'd need all the luck in the world to pull this one off.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Fandom: Merlin (Merlin/Arthur)
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 3k (35k so far)
Summary: Modern AU. Arthur works in publishing and is ashamed to tell anyone he's secretly editing erotica, and being bullied by one of his authors - the arrogant 'Lake Anders'. He's also just taken in a new roommate, the adorable Merlin Emrys, who is definitely Not His Type. Or is he?
Author notes: The end is in sight! I completely re-wrote this chapter from scratch TWICE but totally know where it's going now, hooray. The celebrity 'lost phone' story is 100% true. But I've never done Jagerbombs before resigning. (Tempted as I might be.)
Previous chapters: CHAPTER ONE; CHAPTER TWO; CHAPTER THREE; CHAPTER FOUR; CHAPTER FIVE CHAPTER SIX; CHAPTER SEVEN; CHAPTER EIGHT;
CHAPTER NINE
By the time they were all ready for pudding, everyone was fairly pissed. Arthur was at that hazy, fun stage of drunkenness where you feel warm and fuzzy but are still a way off from doing anything embarrassing.
Gwen was busy telling ridiculous stories about her job as an actors' agent and making everyone choke on their wine.
'So then she started screaming down the phone 'and if that's not bad enough, I've lost my motherfucking cellphone! How am I supposed to call anyone without my motherfucking cellphone?' to which I calmly responded 'take a deep breath, realise you're talking on it to me, and hang up. We'll forget this ever happened.''
'Fuck off, what did she say to that?' Will leaned in, spellbound.
'She just said the word 'fuck' and then the phone went dead. We never mentioned it again.'
Will shook his head, 'Celebrities, eh? All fucking mental.'
'As if you've ever met any!' Merlin lobbed a pea at his head. It missed by a mile.
'I'll have you know I met Katie Price at an appearance at Faces once.'
'You are so classy,' Merlin said, lining up a second pea to flick at his face as Will waggled his tongue at him.
'I used to model with Katie Price, back before Peter Andre,' Elena chipped in, distracting Merlin from his vegetable-based assault with a hand on his sleeve. 'Back when she was getting all filthy with Dane Bowers. I walked in on them once,' she shuddered, theatrically. 'They were filming it.' She looked off into the distance, 'God, imagine if that video exists. Filth, and then me just come out of hair and make-up in lingerie in the background saying 'oh dear lord!' over and over in an increasingly high-pitched way.'
Arthur could tell from the look on Will's face that he wished a very different kind of video existed of Elena.
'Ah, that's nothing,' Gwen giggled. 'I once had to extricate one of my boss's actors from a very messy situation involving three strippers, a dominatrix, and a paddling pool of jelly. I ended up falling in, fully-clothed. Oh, the things I've seen...' she struck a melodramatic pose, hand to forehead, as Lance laughed so much Arthur thought he might fall off his chair.
It was at times like this that Arthur remembered why he had loved Gwen. She was smart, and funny, and very good at bringing people together. And now he could look past how bitter he'd been at the time, he realised how much better she was with Lance. Lance complemented her personality perfectly. Arthur had always been in conflict with it. He'd not been in a good place at the time and he'd underestimated Gwen, patronised her, and taken her for granted. He regretted his behaviour now, even though it wasn't as if he wanted to get back with her. Not when Merlin was sat right there, loose-limbed and happy, leaning on Elena's shoulder and making her laugh with whatever he was muttering in her ear.
'Right. Puddings.' Arthur said, more to himself than anyone else, rubbing his hands as he pictured the concoction he had waiting in the kitchen. The only way to describe it was 'diabetes inducing'.
'D'you want a hand?' Merlin swayed to his feet. 'I bloody love puddings, what have you made, Nigella?'
'Ha. Ha. Rather too flat-chested and small-of-hip to be Nigella,' Arthur pointed out. 'I've made Eton Mess.'
'Brilliant,' Merlin breathed, following him through to the kitchen. 'Did you go to Eton?'
'No,' Arthur said, pointedly, as Merlin had said the word 'Eton' in the same tone of voice one normally reserved for serial-killers or racists. 'I actually went to Winchester.'
'You're such a rah,' Merlin said, ruffling Arthur's hair.
'Fuck off, Merlin, just because you grew up like one of the cast of Shameless,' Arthur retorted, smearing whipped cream over Merlin's nose in a fit of pique.
Merlin smiled like the cat who'd got the cream and stuck his finger in it, tasting it. 'Hmm, s'good. Could have done with some more framboise though.'
'You cheeky sod.' Arthur balanced the bowl of Eton Mess and turned to Merlin, 'You can carry the bowls, dickhead.'
'Well, when you ask so sweetly...' Merlin winked at him.
***
When Arthur shut the door on Will and Elena it was 1am. He leaned back against it and sighed, 'So?'
'So what?' Merlin teased.
'So was it a good birthday party?' he persisted. His stomach fluttered. He felt absurdly nervous about Merlin's verdict.
'It was bloody brilliant,' Merlin smiled. 'You are so amazingly nice to me. So funny, and handsome, and kind, and you make actual puddings. And I never really said thank you enough for my present.'
Arthur smiled, 'You're welcome. God, you're effusive when pissed.'
'Nah, don't laugh it off, I mean it,' Merlin said, insistently.
Arthur wondered where this was going. Merlin looked intent. And adorable, with his ruffed up hair and slight flush on his cheeks from the wine.
'Yeah, well, I think you're amazing too. You're, um,' he stuttered into silence. 'You mean the world to me,' he settled on eventually, looking fixedly at his shoes. 'Anyway,' he said, with forced jollity, 'the washing-up won't do itself!'
Merlin laughed, 'Do you think it's really safe to do the washing-up when drunk?'
'Well, no,' Arthur admitted, 'but it is much, much better to attack it when pissed than to wake up tomorrow, shivering, slightly queasy, and come downstairs to a kitchen resembling a bombsite. In fact,' he paused, 'there must be a word for that. It's something that happens to every dinner-party host the morning after.'
'You're ridiculous,' Merlin snorted, then he groaned as he took in exactly how awful the kitchen looked. Empty wine-bottles crowded the surfaces, grated cheese was on the floor, plates were stacked haphazardly and there were approximately one million filthy saucepans jostling for space by the sink.
'See?' Arthur said, gesturing at the empty packets, and the wine-glasses jostling for work-surface space. 'Better to do it when our old friend vino has taken the edge off, than tomorrow when hanging.'
'You're right,' Merlin shuddered. He put on an elaborately innocent face for a moment, 'Are you sure I should be doing it on my birthday?'
'Nice try. Here's a black bin-bag, get started.'
Merlin prevaricated with putting his iPod on as Arthur sucked in a breath, decided to start with loading the dishwasher. He looked up and frowned as the music began.
'Have you just put on 'Whistle While You Work'?' he asked.
'Yes,' Merlin was defiant. 'I fucking love Disney.'
'You are such an odd-bod,' Arthur said, laughing as Merlin theatrically whistled along. He felt such waves of affection whenever he looked at Merlin, like he wanted to pinch his cheeks, and bite his hipbones, and squeeze him til he popped. The last thought shocked Arthur a little, that was just weird. 'Will's fun, isn't he?'
'Yeah, it was so nice of you track him down, we've been mates since we were little. And really nice of you to invite Lance and Gwen, considering...'
'That's all in the past,' Arthur insisted, gingerly balancing a stack of plates. 'I am totally over her. I like her a lot but she is far better with Lance than she ever was with me.'
'Do you not get lonely sometimes?' Merlin asked.
'Well, yes, but... I'd rather be alone and lonely than with the wrong person for the sake of it.'
'Which is where I fell down,' Merlin sighed forlornly. 'I had my head turned by the first guy that showed me interest. I let him treat me like a fool and just kept running back. I feel so embarrassed when I think about it, like I want to march round there and have it out with him and tell him what I really think of him. Really mean stuff, you know?'
'Like what?'
'Like... that penetrative sex doesn't have to be the be-all and end-all and sometimes it's actually quite nice to just touch each other. And, and, that if I don't come from sex it's not my fault and that he eats far too much protein to be healthy and that his breath smells from all the meat and that anyone who actually likes 'Top Gun' in a non-ironic way is a bell-end.' He paused for breath.
'Fucking hell, still waters run deep, eh?'
'He made me feel so ugly, and sexless,' Merlin shivered unhappily.
'You're gorgeous, Merlin,' Arthur said earnestly. 'Honestly, you're one of the most handsome guys I've ever met.' He busied himself with the washing-up so he didn't have to look at him, until he felt Merlin's hand on his arm.
'Do you mean that?' Merlin looked unsure.
'Yes, I do,' Arthur said fervently. 'I thought it from the moment I met you - that there's something about you.'
Merlin came forward then and wrapped Arthur into a hug, laying his head on his shoulder. Arthur stayed tense in his arms.
'You're such a boarding-school boy,' Merlin said, without looking up. 'So bloody awkward when it comes to affection and physical contact.'
Arthur snorted, 'Thanks, Freud. And you're like a stray cat, rubbing yourself up against the provider of food.' But he relaxed against Merlin, breathed him in, let his hands skate round to his waist.
Merlin looked at him, arms still around his shoulders, as if they were slow-dancing at a primary school disco to 'Two Become One'. For one painfully hopeful moment Arthur thought that Merlin was going to kiss him and then he said, 'You're the best mate I could hope for. I hope you know how much everything you've done means to me.'
'Yeah,' Arthur said, to a spot just to the left of Merlin's ear so he didn't have to meet his eyes, worried that some of what he was feeling would leak into them. 'I feel the same.'
They stayed that way for a while, swaying to the incongruous background music of 'The best of Disney' before Arthur called halt to things and insisted they buckle down to some more cleaning.
'Spoilsport,' Merlin stuck his tongue out at him.
In reality, there were few things Arthur would rather have done than slow-dance with Merlin but he had slowly been becoming aroused, which would have been embarrassing. Plus, whenever Merlin said something about them being 'just friends' he thought he might cry - even more embarrassing.
So instead he cleaned, and wiped down, and recycled all the empties, and laughed and joked with Merlin, even whilst inside he felt nausea that had nothing to do with the amount of wine he had consumed.
***
'As plans go it's one of your worst,' Leon said, over breakfast at The Delaunay on Monday. Leon was important enough that he could have breakfast meetings and not feel like a dickhead, and Arthur could occasionally slope in late and claim he'd been seeing an agent. Arthur, as a rule, despised breakfast meetings as they required him to get up early, and the dickhead to normal person ratio in restaurants was significantly worse at breakfast time. But Leon seemed to be bloody busy (shagging probably) every evening at the moment, so breakfast was the only time he could do.
'I don't think it's my worst,' Arthur snapped, taking a sip of tea and scalding his tongue. For fuck's sake.
'I didn't say it was your worst,' Leon said. 'That title is reserved for when you decided the best way to 'take the edge off' telling your Dad you were leaving the firm was doing two Jagerbombs at 11am.'
Arthur suddenly became very interested in whether his cufflinks were straight or not.
'You remember,' Leon persisted. 'You slapped the arse of his secretary and were sick in his umbrella stand.'
'Yes I remember,' Arthur hissed.
'Well this comes a close second. Instead of patiently waiting for Merlin to get over things with Percy and then ask him out, you're going to arrange a 'getting to know you' lunch with 'Lake Anderson' in a public place, where, ta-da, you reveal you're you and he's Merlin and that you've been reading the filthy porn he's been writing about you. Is that the long and the short of it?'
'Yes,' Arthur said defiantly. 'Although it sounds a little bit risky when you say it like that.'
'A little bit risky?' Leon mocked. 'That's like saying the BNP is 'a little bit' racist. He will be mortified and angry.'
'Yeah, or,' Arthur said, around a mouthful of bacon, 'he'll be all 'Arthur knows how I feel, I don't want to hide it any more' and then we get together.'
Leon made a face, 'Yeah, my suggestion is far more believable, sorry to say.' He didn't look sorry, Arthur concluded. He looked smug, if anything.
'You're not being very supportive,' Arthur said sniffily. 'And this bacon is very salty.'
Leon rolled his eyes, 'You're not paying for breakfast so you don't get to complain. And I'm sorry, but I'm not going to support such a terrible, terrible plan. I think you need to tell Merlin the truth in private, that Nimueh told you that he writes porn, and that you're his editor, and that you'll see if someone else can edit him as this is awkward.'
'Nope,' Arthur said cheerily. 'My plan is way better.'
'Do you actually believe that?' Leon bit into his bacon. 'Fuck, it is salty.'
'Told you so. And yes, yes I do.' Arthur said. 'In fact, I'm issuing the invite now.' He pulled out his iPhone. 'Dear Lake, given your recent nominations for erotic fiction, I thought it would be nice if we met face to face. Are you free for lunch this week? Kind regards, Arthur.'
'This is a bad idea,' Leon warned.
'Your face is a bad idea,' Arthur retorted.
'What does that even mean?' Leon asked.
'What does your face even mean?'
'Oh fuck off and drink your tea,' Leon sighed. 'Just don't come crying to me when this all goes horribly wrong.'
'I won't, because it won't. See, see,' his phone was already vibrating with an email, 'Lake can have lunch on Thursday. Ha. Ha!'
'You're an idiot,' Leon said. 'At least promise me you won't have some Jagerbombs beforehand?'
'Ha. Ha.' Arthur said, sarcastically, putting his phone away with a flourish. 'No Jagerbombs. Maybe some sambuca instead?' He joked.
Leon rolled his eyes, 'I hope for your sake this plan works out better than I suspect it will.'
'Yeah, me too,' Arthur stabbed his poached egg mutinously. 'Because living with him in a platonic way is slowly killing me.'
'I've never seen you like this before,' Leon admitted.
'It's because he's so special,' Arthur said, again finding his cuff-links fascinating.
Leon covered his hand with his own, looked at him earnestly. 'I'll leave my phone on all Thursday afternoon, alright. So call me if you need to?'
'Yeah,' Arthur swallowed, awkwardly. 'I will. Thanks.' But the thought of defeat just wasn't one he could entertain. Maybe Leon was right, maybe this was a very stupid idea, but he had to do something to make Merlin admit that he felt that way about Arthur too. He wouldn't even let himself consider the possibility that the fiction was just that - fiction - and that Merlin really did just see him as a mate.
'I'd better get back to work,' Leon sighed, making the international gesture for 'bill, please' to the waitress. 'Good luck mate.'
'Cheers, not that I'll need it,' Arthur said cockily, but he knew that Leon saw straight through it. He'd need all the luck in the world to pull this one off.
CHAPTER ELEVEN