Fanfiction: The King of Queens', modern Cambridge AU, WIP (7/?)
Title: The King of Queens', Chapter Seven
Fandom: Merlin
Rating: R now but will end up NC-17
Word count: This part 3,447. (About 28.5k in total so far)
Warnings: Some homophobia. Arthur being fairly loathsome.
Summary: Modern AU. Merlin has always dreamed of going to Cambridge University and is thrilled to win a place at Queens’ College. Whilst there he falls hopelessly in love with the JCR President, drinking society President, Lacrosse captain and all-round popular guy Arthur Pendragon. Arthur takes him under his wing until Merlin stands to be LGBT Rep on the JCR and Arthur realises that Merlin likes boys. Full of Cambridge slang, UST, Arthur being a knobhead with no knob, and eventual happy ending. I promise.
Previous parts: CHAPTER ONE; CHAPTER TWO; CHAPTER THREE; CHAPTER FOUR; CHAPTER FIVE; CHAPTER SIX
It was his third day back at college and Merlin had two worries. Firstly, now he had come to a decision that he had to break the news to Arthur he, you know, actually had to do it and secondly, he had a mock exam in two days time. He wasn’t sure which frightened him more. If he cocked the first up, he’d end up losing his closest friend. If he cocked the second up, he’d get a massive bollocking from his Director of Studies. Okay, former, that was definitely scarier.
This was why he was lurking outside the LGBT rep’s room in Fisher, shifting from one foot to another like a naughty schoolboy about to be told off. He hadn’t even knocked yet, was waiting there as if he expected a bolt of lightning to come down from above and strike him, forcing him into action.
It didn’t.
What happened instead was Tom poked his head around the door. ‘You’ve been outside for twenty minutes. It’s a bit creepy. Do you want to come in?’
Merlin nodded, stuttered, ‘Y-yeah, um, sorry, I just…’ he shrugged helplessly.
Tom didn’t look perturbed - maybe indecipherable freshers were two-a-penny for him - and just beckoned him inside. He shared his set with a blonde girl called Elena who went on a lot of political marches and fell over a lot. He quite liked her.
‘Cuppa?’ Tom asked, gesturing towards one of his armchairs. ‘Elena is out for the afternoon on another protest. I presume you want to talk.’
‘Yes, I do,’ Merlin said seriously, curling into the chair. ‘Tea, please. One sugar.’
‘Sure,’ Tom picked up the kettle, let the silence stretch out until Merlin was forced to talk.
'I'm ready to come out,' Merlin flushed. 'Well, maybe ready isn't the right word, but I want to come out. I want to be honest.' He sagged back into the armchair as if the speech had taken a lot out of him.
Tom nodded. ‘I’ve been doing some counselling training the Student Union organised. I can help, you know? My boyfriend didn’t come out for six months after we got together. We had to be all secret phone-calls and trysts. It tore me up inside.’ He said this blandly, reaching for the tea-bags. ‘Tetley alright?’
‘Yeah,’ Merlin said dully, nibbling at a cuticle. ‘I need to be honest,’ he said. ‘I’ve got to tell people.’
‘Arthur you mean?’ There was no judgement in Tom’s voice. ‘You spend all your time together. I think he gets rinsed anyway for hanging out with you so much.’
‘I think he knows on some level,’ Merlin admitted. ‘He had me to stay over Christmas. I showed him this.’ Merlin rolled up his sleeve, displayed the burn of ‘faggot’. 'Some guys in my year did it when I was 15. I told him I was bullied because people thought I was gay.'
Tom winced, ‘Fuck me kids are harsh. Sounds a bit Lord of the Flies at your school.’
‘It was,’ Merlin said. He noticed dully that his cuticle had started bleeding.
‘So you feel you need to come out to just him, or come out in general?’ Tom folded himself into the other armchair, plonked a big mug of tea in front of Merlin. ‘I’ve got biscuits too - want a HobNob?’
‘Please,’ Merlin said, fervently. His fingers fumbled with his teaspoon as he stirred and stirred.
‘Hey,’ Tom’s fingers were gentle on his. ‘It’s alright, Merlin, just breathe, yeah?’
Merlin did, then, sat back in his chair, closed his eyes and breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth so he felt less panicky. ‘Fuck, if I’m like this now just talking to you what the hell will I be like when I actually do it?’
‘You’ll be fine, that’s why I’m here.' Tom's face was serious. 'I’ve been where you are: one of the lads, privy to far too many conversations about ‘gash’ or whatever, and struggling with knowing who I really am.’
‘What made you finally do it?’ Merlin asked.
‘I couldn’t live a lie any longer,’ Tom blew on his tea, cradling his mug in long fingers. ‘It’s hard, you know? When someone casually says something is ‘gay’ instead of bad, or talks about fucking one of the freshers and asks your opinion and sometimes it’s a baldfaced lie and sometimes it’s just a lie of omission but…’ he sighed, ‘it’s draining.’
‘Yes,’ Merlin said. ‘It is.’ He sipped his tea, grateful to have something to do with his hands.
‘So what’s prompted this decision?’ Tom asked, carefully. ‘I think it’s the right decision, incidentally, but I’d never judge you if you changed your mind. I just want to help. Some people come out right away, others take years and years. But it is miserable not telling anyone, from my experience at least.’
‘The closer I get to Arthur the more I feel like I’m lying to him with everything I say, or don’t say,’ Merlin said, slowly. ‘I spent a week at his this holiday and we talked about loads of in-depth stuff. His relationship with his father, what he wanted to do with his life, and there I am keeping stupidly silent.’
‘And you have feelings for him?’ Tom asked, though it felt more like a statement of fact than a question.
Merlin winced, ‘Is it really that obvious? His stepsister noticed it within a matter of hours.’
‘It’s not painfully obvious, don’t worry, but he’s a goodlooking guy, and you spend an awful lot of time together.’ Tom crunched his biscuit with relish. ‘If you were a straight guy and a straight girl people would suspect there was something more going on.’
‘I guess,’ Merlin said. ‘On one level, he’s a complete dickhead and he pisses me off no end with his misogyny and his homophobia and his privilege. But,’ he sighed, ‘on another level I know there’s so much more to him than that. If you scrape away how spoilt he is, and how much pressure his father puts him under, you have a thoughtful, kind, funny guy who’s a bit lost. And-’
‘-the fact that he’s gorgeous doesn’t help?’ Tom smiled over the rim of his mug.
‘Well, yeah,’ Merlin huffed out a laugh. ‘I’ve only just come to terms with my sexuality and I’m spending 90% of my spare time with this gorgeous, gorgeous popular guy who’s actually secretly vulnerable.’ He shook his head, ‘I’m such a cliché.’
‘Half the college is in love with him, Merlin, I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it. So, are we going with the casual 'I'm gay' or the 'I'm gay and in love with you'?' Tom quirked an eyebrow.
Merlin sighed, 'Just 'I'm gay'. I say 'just' as if it's not a huge, huge deal. But one step at a time, I think.'
'Sounds sensible. Are you prepared for him to react badly?'
'I'm trying to prepare myself,' Merlin said. 'But we're best friends, we tell each other everything, maybe he'll take it well?'
'He might,' Tom shrugged.
'But that wasn't your experience was it,' Merlin said, ruefully.
'No, but... he was younger then and we were mates but we weren't as close as you were. Maybe he's grown up now.'
'He still says homophobic stuff though,' Merlin dipped his biscuit in his tea, trying not to look at Tom for fear of what he might see there. Judgement for staying friends with someone like that? Or worse, pity?
'I know,' Tom said, 'and obviously his Dad hates gay people. Campaigns against us for a living.' He laughed but it was a harsh sound. There was nothing joyous about it.
'People like him hate us because they fear us,' Merlin said bitterly.
'True,' Tom agreed. 'And public school-boys like Arthur belittle us because part of them is intrigued by us.'
'You really think that?' Merlin had never even given voice in his mind to this traitorous thought that maybe Arthur could be interested.
'Of course,' Tom said. 'I've lost count of the number of straight guys at Uni I've shagged who won't give me the time of day the next day. The kind of guys who call us poofs and shirt-lifters because they're frightened of who they really are.'
Merlin remembered the time Arthur asked to sleep in his bed. The way he'd held Merlin in his room. How his touch near Merlin's scars had been gentle, reverent. He shivered. 'I'm telling him tongight.'
'You sound resolute,' Tom said.
'I sound it but I'm not feeling it,' Merlin said. 'I'm blatantly going to have to get pissed before I can actually say it.'
'Don't do that,' Tom snorted. 'You'll overdo it and end up vomming on his shoes or something.'
'Ha, maybe,' Merlin admitted.
'And once you've come out to him what then?' Tom asked. 'We run lots of LGBT events here you know, club-nights at Life, speed-dating... you should come along. And you should think about running for LGBT rep yourself, Merlin. It's such an important role and I step down this term.'
'I haven't even come out yet, don't get ahead of yourself,' Merlin scoffed.
'Seriously, it's people like us who've been through the mill who are best at counselling others. I've been where you are - frightened of being judged, and yeah a couple of people are dicks to me now but at least I'm honest. I use pronouns now! I don't just say 'my partner was saying' I say 'he', I say 'him'. It's refreshing.'
'I can imagine,' Merlin said. 'Well,' he finished his tea, levered himself up, 'I really appreciate it Tom. Thanks for the support.' He put his hand out to shake Tom's but he rolled his eyes, pulled Merlin into a hug.
'Good luck. Come by later if you need, yeah?'
***
Merlin hesitantly knocked on Arthur's door that evening. He knew that Leon was out shagging his girlfriend again. Well, that's what Arthur claimed. For all Merlin knew they were just having dinner. Merlin had emailed Arthur and asked if he could come over 'to talk'.
Arthur had emailed back, 'what, finally lost your virginity you big poof and want some advice from Shagger of the Year (tm)? See you at 8.'
Which didn't bode well, as far as Merlin was concerned. He'd mostly taken Tom's advice and had only had one large glass of wine. Enough so that he was feeling braver, and warmer, but not so much that there was the possibility that he would vom on Arthur.
'It's open dickhead,' came Arthur's friendly voice.
Merlin shuffled in, through Leon's neat part of the set and into Arthur's messy, disgusting room. There were empty Pot Noodle pots there, wine bottles, cans of lager, crumpled bits of paper, and notes everywhere. Arthur himself was lying on his stomach on his bed, chewing the end of a pen and making notes on a pad.
'Working for once?' Merlin asked, settling himself down on Arthur's chair.
'Nah, doing my MA application. Talked it over with my DoS today and he's all for it, but I've got to jump through some academic hoops and stuff.'
'Let me know if you need any help,' Merlin said. Although he didn't know how much help he'd be.
'Cheers, Merlin,' Arthur didn't look up from his pad where he finished writing something with a flourish. He looked up and smiled.
'You have ink on your lip,' Merlin pointed out.
'Ah fuck, bad habit chewing pens, isn't it?' Arthur rubbed ineffectually at his mouth. Merlin dragged his eyes away from it. Staring wasn't going to help matters. 'What did you want to talk about? Finally pulled someone? Given up your eunuch-like ways and need some advice from a stud like me?' Arthur jokingly flexed a bicep. Merlin's knees felt weak. It was just embarrassing now.
'Um, not quite,' Merlin said. He ran a finger round the neck of his T-shirt, pulling it away from his clammy skin. 'Can I?' He gestured to an open bottle of wine.
'Yeah sure,' Arthur watched him with interest as he poured himself a mug of wine and necked it. 'What's bothering you? You're acting like you've come to beg for your life or something?'
'Ha. Ha.' The sound was strangled. The wine burned a line straight down Merlin's throat into his stomach. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Closed his eyes. 'You know what I showed you when I stayed at yours?' Merlin asked, not opening his eyes, not even a crack, not daring to look across at Arthur.
'What?' Arthur sounded confused. 'You showed me a few things - not least your rather worrying knowledge of Eurovision in the music round at the pub quiz.' He sniggered.
Merlin shook his head, opened his eyes then, 'No, no, not that. The other thing.'
Arthur was sat up on the edge of the bed, forehead furrowed. 'You're worrying me Merlin, this is weird behaviour even for you. Come on, spit it out, whatever it is.'
'The scar on my arm, where it says 'faggot'?' He spelled it out.
'Yeah,' Arthur said. 'What of it?'
Merlin wondered if he was being deliberately obtuse. 'I was bullied at school for being gay.'
'I know, mate, we've been over this already,' Arthur pulled a face, 'I don't get why you're bringing it up again.'
'You asked me then if I was gay,' Merlin blurted out.
'And you said you weren't,' Arthur's tone was measured but his eyes looked wary.
'No, no, I didn't say that.' He licked his dry lips. 'I said that I'd never done anything with a guy and-'
'Yeah, hence not gay,' Arthur put in quickly.
'No, Arthur,' Merlin said, trying desperately to be brave. 'That's not what that means...'
'I don't know what you're trying to say,' Arthur said, slowly, rubbing his forehead.
Merlin rolled his eyes, something inside him snapped suddenly and he sat up straight, glared at Arthur, 'I'm gay. I want to kiss men, date men, have sex with men, fall in love with men. Girls don't interest me, they never have - I don't desire them at all.'
'You're a virgin, Merlin, how are you supposed to know if girls interest you or not?' Arthur said witheringly, but he was picking at the skin around his nails, like he didn't know what to do with his hands.
'Fuck off Arthur, before you lost your virginity I bet you knew you fancied girls,' Merlin said.
'Yeah but,' Arthur wouldn't look at him, fixed his eyes suddenly on a corner of the paintwork that was starting to crack. 'I just don't think you know what you're saying. I've seen you pull a girl before anyway,' he said suddenly, looking pleadingly at Merlin.
'I didn't want to, she thrust her tongue down my throat!' Merlin protested, he noticed that he was practically wringing his hands with stress. 'I don't feel that way about any girls. I find men attractive, okay?'
'I just don't think you know what you're saying,' Arthur shook his head. 'I just don't think you've thought this through.'
'Of course I've fucking thought this through - I've thought about practically nothing else since I first realised I found men attractive. I've spent the vast majority of my teenage years thinking this through,' Merlin hissed.
Arthur got up then, started to pace, 'Well, I just don't think you've considered everything. I think you're confused. You don't know what you want. You-'
'I know exactly what I want, Arthur,' Merlin insisted. 'And this doesn't have to change anything between us, you know? We're still mates, yeah, best mates.'
Arthur still wouldn't look at him, 'Some kind of mate you are, keeping this secret this whole time, pretending you fancy girls, letting me tell you everything, pour out my soul and-'
'I didn't know how you'd react,' Merlin hissed. 'I was worried you'd hate me for it, that you were homophobic that,' he broke off, rubbed at his eyes, he could feel tears of self-pity welling up. 'And you're hardly doing a good job of convincing me otherwise. It really doesn't feel like you are okay with it.'
'I've never been friends with a gay before,' Arthur said, his voice breaking slightly on the word.
'Tom's gay,' Merlin pointed out. 'You were friends with him. Were being the operative word here I guess since as soon as he came out you backed off, all 'backs to the wall' or whatever around him, like you thought he'd try and fucking feel you up or something.' Merlin felt vindictive suddenly.
'It wasn't like that,' Arthur whirled on him. 'You don't understand, okay, Merlin? You know what my father stands for, what he believes, and it's not as easy as just waving a magic wand and me saying 'oh I'm fine with it', yeah? It changes things.'
'It doesn't have to,' Merlin begged him. 'We can be the same as we always were.'
'Fuck off, Merlin,' Arthur snarled. 'I get enough shit for spending so much time with you. People make comments loads about it being unhealthy, that we're like an old married couple, but I can laugh it off because I thought you were straight.' He shook his head, 'You think people won't talk now? Now they find out you're gay? That I won't get shit from my mates, thinking that we've been secretly fucking or something. It casts everything we've ever done in a different light, an unsavoury light.'
Merlin surged to his feet then, 'How dare you imply there's something unsavoury about being gay. It's who I am, Arthur, I can't change that even if I wanted to change it. And I don't,' Merlin realised suddenly that that was true. 'We're just mates, Arthur, that's all, people won't talk about us, honestly. It's normal. Like, like,' he stumbled, 'like Gwen is mates with Leon.'
'Gwen and Leon don't have intimate little sleepovers and stay at each other's houses though, do they Merlin?' Arthur shook his head, biting obsessively at his lower lip. 'Do you know how badly this reflects on me? What my Dad would do if he found out?'
'We're best mates, Arthur, please,' Merlin reached out to touch his shoulder and Arthur violently shrugged him off, whirling to face him.
'We were best mates, Merlin,' Arthur ground out. 'Not any more.'
'I-' Merlin tried again, tried to touch Arthur's arm. 'It's still me, I haven't changed. I'm the same person.'
'Stop being so willfully naive,' Arthur hissed. His lower lip was bleeding from where he'd been worrying at it. It made his face look savage, violent suddenly. 'Everything's changed, get it? Everything.'
They stood and looked at one another then, really looked, Merlin on the verge of tears and Arthur looking like he was about to punch him.
Merlin took a step back, lowered his gaze, 'I'll go,' he said, dully.
'I think that's best, Emrys. And I think it's best if you don't come round here any more. I'll still be polite, yeah? I don't hold anything against you for your,' he waved an airy hand at Merlin, 'proclivities, but I don't think it's appropriate for us to be as we were.'
'You're better than this, Arthur,' Merlin tried one last time. 'You're not like this. I know who you are, deep down, and you won't let something like this change us, I know you won't.'
But Arthur's face was closed, guarded. 'You don't know me at all,' he said, clipped and pointed.
Merlin wiped his eyes helplessly, 'I do know you. I know you better than anyone. I care about you, I-'
'I bet you do you sick fuck,' Arthur looked like he was going to throw up, like the words almost hurt him to say but he said them anyway. 'I bet you lay awake each night, tossing yourself off, imagining it was my hand touching you, imagining that I was the one making you come.'
'No,' Merlin whispered. 'Why are you doing this?'
Arthur looked away, 'Because you've probably been eying me up for weeks now, desperate to touch me, and it's not right. Now get out.'
'I hate you,' Merlin said, over his shoulder as he went. But what he meant was 'I love you. Don't do this. Please.'
'I know,' Arthur said, and there was a slight hiccough as he said it, like if Merlin looked at him he'd see the tear rolling mutinously down Arthur's cheek no matter how angry he looked.
Merlin didn't let himself crumple until he made it back to his room, lay fully clothed on his bed, and buried his face in his pillow. He'd thought it had hurt at school when he'd been burned, kicked, had his wrist broken.
But nothing hurt as much as this.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Fandom: Merlin
Rating: R now but will end up NC-17
Word count: This part 3,447. (About 28.5k in total so far)
Warnings: Some homophobia. Arthur being fairly loathsome.
Summary: Modern AU. Merlin has always dreamed of going to Cambridge University and is thrilled to win a place at Queens’ College. Whilst there he falls hopelessly in love with the JCR President, drinking society President, Lacrosse captain and all-round popular guy Arthur Pendragon. Arthur takes him under his wing until Merlin stands to be LGBT Rep on the JCR and Arthur realises that Merlin likes boys. Full of Cambridge slang, UST, Arthur being a knobhead with no knob, and eventual happy ending. I promise.
Previous parts: CHAPTER ONE; CHAPTER TWO; CHAPTER THREE; CHAPTER FOUR; CHAPTER FIVE; CHAPTER SIX
It was his third day back at college and Merlin had two worries. Firstly, now he had come to a decision that he had to break the news to Arthur he, you know, actually had to do it and secondly, he had a mock exam in two days time. He wasn’t sure which frightened him more. If he cocked the first up, he’d end up losing his closest friend. If he cocked the second up, he’d get a massive bollocking from his Director of Studies. Okay, former, that was definitely scarier.
This was why he was lurking outside the LGBT rep’s room in Fisher, shifting from one foot to another like a naughty schoolboy about to be told off. He hadn’t even knocked yet, was waiting there as if he expected a bolt of lightning to come down from above and strike him, forcing him into action.
It didn’t.
What happened instead was Tom poked his head around the door. ‘You’ve been outside for twenty minutes. It’s a bit creepy. Do you want to come in?’
Merlin nodded, stuttered, ‘Y-yeah, um, sorry, I just…’ he shrugged helplessly.
Tom didn’t look perturbed - maybe indecipherable freshers were two-a-penny for him - and just beckoned him inside. He shared his set with a blonde girl called Elena who went on a lot of political marches and fell over a lot. He quite liked her.
‘Cuppa?’ Tom asked, gesturing towards one of his armchairs. ‘Elena is out for the afternoon on another protest. I presume you want to talk.’
‘Yes, I do,’ Merlin said seriously, curling into the chair. ‘Tea, please. One sugar.’
‘Sure,’ Tom picked up the kettle, let the silence stretch out until Merlin was forced to talk.
'I'm ready to come out,' Merlin flushed. 'Well, maybe ready isn't the right word, but I want to come out. I want to be honest.' He sagged back into the armchair as if the speech had taken a lot out of him.
Tom nodded. ‘I’ve been doing some counselling training the Student Union organised. I can help, you know? My boyfriend didn’t come out for six months after we got together. We had to be all secret phone-calls and trysts. It tore me up inside.’ He said this blandly, reaching for the tea-bags. ‘Tetley alright?’
‘Yeah,’ Merlin said dully, nibbling at a cuticle. ‘I need to be honest,’ he said. ‘I’ve got to tell people.’
‘Arthur you mean?’ There was no judgement in Tom’s voice. ‘You spend all your time together. I think he gets rinsed anyway for hanging out with you so much.’
‘I think he knows on some level,’ Merlin admitted. ‘He had me to stay over Christmas. I showed him this.’ Merlin rolled up his sleeve, displayed the burn of ‘faggot’. 'Some guys in my year did it when I was 15. I told him I was bullied because people thought I was gay.'
Tom winced, ‘Fuck me kids are harsh. Sounds a bit Lord of the Flies at your school.’
‘It was,’ Merlin said. He noticed dully that his cuticle had started bleeding.
‘So you feel you need to come out to just him, or come out in general?’ Tom folded himself into the other armchair, plonked a big mug of tea in front of Merlin. ‘I’ve got biscuits too - want a HobNob?’
‘Please,’ Merlin said, fervently. His fingers fumbled with his teaspoon as he stirred and stirred.
‘Hey,’ Tom’s fingers were gentle on his. ‘It’s alright, Merlin, just breathe, yeah?’
Merlin did, then, sat back in his chair, closed his eyes and breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth so he felt less panicky. ‘Fuck, if I’m like this now just talking to you what the hell will I be like when I actually do it?’
‘You’ll be fine, that’s why I’m here.' Tom's face was serious. 'I’ve been where you are: one of the lads, privy to far too many conversations about ‘gash’ or whatever, and struggling with knowing who I really am.’
‘What made you finally do it?’ Merlin asked.
‘I couldn’t live a lie any longer,’ Tom blew on his tea, cradling his mug in long fingers. ‘It’s hard, you know? When someone casually says something is ‘gay’ instead of bad, or talks about fucking one of the freshers and asks your opinion and sometimes it’s a baldfaced lie and sometimes it’s just a lie of omission but…’ he sighed, ‘it’s draining.’
‘Yes,’ Merlin said. ‘It is.’ He sipped his tea, grateful to have something to do with his hands.
‘So what’s prompted this decision?’ Tom asked, carefully. ‘I think it’s the right decision, incidentally, but I’d never judge you if you changed your mind. I just want to help. Some people come out right away, others take years and years. But it is miserable not telling anyone, from my experience at least.’
‘The closer I get to Arthur the more I feel like I’m lying to him with everything I say, or don’t say,’ Merlin said, slowly. ‘I spent a week at his this holiday and we talked about loads of in-depth stuff. His relationship with his father, what he wanted to do with his life, and there I am keeping stupidly silent.’
‘And you have feelings for him?’ Tom asked, though it felt more like a statement of fact than a question.
Merlin winced, ‘Is it really that obvious? His stepsister noticed it within a matter of hours.’
‘It’s not painfully obvious, don’t worry, but he’s a goodlooking guy, and you spend an awful lot of time together.’ Tom crunched his biscuit with relish. ‘If you were a straight guy and a straight girl people would suspect there was something more going on.’
‘I guess,’ Merlin said. ‘On one level, he’s a complete dickhead and he pisses me off no end with his misogyny and his homophobia and his privilege. But,’ he sighed, ‘on another level I know there’s so much more to him than that. If you scrape away how spoilt he is, and how much pressure his father puts him under, you have a thoughtful, kind, funny guy who’s a bit lost. And-’
‘-the fact that he’s gorgeous doesn’t help?’ Tom smiled over the rim of his mug.
‘Well, yeah,’ Merlin huffed out a laugh. ‘I’ve only just come to terms with my sexuality and I’m spending 90% of my spare time with this gorgeous, gorgeous popular guy who’s actually secretly vulnerable.’ He shook his head, ‘I’m such a cliché.’
‘Half the college is in love with him, Merlin, I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it. So, are we going with the casual 'I'm gay' or the 'I'm gay and in love with you'?' Tom quirked an eyebrow.
Merlin sighed, 'Just 'I'm gay'. I say 'just' as if it's not a huge, huge deal. But one step at a time, I think.'
'Sounds sensible. Are you prepared for him to react badly?'
'I'm trying to prepare myself,' Merlin said. 'But we're best friends, we tell each other everything, maybe he'll take it well?'
'He might,' Tom shrugged.
'But that wasn't your experience was it,' Merlin said, ruefully.
'No, but... he was younger then and we were mates but we weren't as close as you were. Maybe he's grown up now.'
'He still says homophobic stuff though,' Merlin dipped his biscuit in his tea, trying not to look at Tom for fear of what he might see there. Judgement for staying friends with someone like that? Or worse, pity?
'I know,' Tom said, 'and obviously his Dad hates gay people. Campaigns against us for a living.' He laughed but it was a harsh sound. There was nothing joyous about it.
'People like him hate us because they fear us,' Merlin said bitterly.
'True,' Tom agreed. 'And public school-boys like Arthur belittle us because part of them is intrigued by us.'
'You really think that?' Merlin had never even given voice in his mind to this traitorous thought that maybe Arthur could be interested.
'Of course,' Tom said. 'I've lost count of the number of straight guys at Uni I've shagged who won't give me the time of day the next day. The kind of guys who call us poofs and shirt-lifters because they're frightened of who they really are.'
Merlin remembered the time Arthur asked to sleep in his bed. The way he'd held Merlin in his room. How his touch near Merlin's scars had been gentle, reverent. He shivered. 'I'm telling him tongight.'
'You sound resolute,' Tom said.
'I sound it but I'm not feeling it,' Merlin said. 'I'm blatantly going to have to get pissed before I can actually say it.'
'Don't do that,' Tom snorted. 'You'll overdo it and end up vomming on his shoes or something.'
'Ha, maybe,' Merlin admitted.
'And once you've come out to him what then?' Tom asked. 'We run lots of LGBT events here you know, club-nights at Life, speed-dating... you should come along. And you should think about running for LGBT rep yourself, Merlin. It's such an important role and I step down this term.'
'I haven't even come out yet, don't get ahead of yourself,' Merlin scoffed.
'Seriously, it's people like us who've been through the mill who are best at counselling others. I've been where you are - frightened of being judged, and yeah a couple of people are dicks to me now but at least I'm honest. I use pronouns now! I don't just say 'my partner was saying' I say 'he', I say 'him'. It's refreshing.'
'I can imagine,' Merlin said. 'Well,' he finished his tea, levered himself up, 'I really appreciate it Tom. Thanks for the support.' He put his hand out to shake Tom's but he rolled his eyes, pulled Merlin into a hug.
'Good luck. Come by later if you need, yeah?'
***
Merlin hesitantly knocked on Arthur's door that evening. He knew that Leon was out shagging his girlfriend again. Well, that's what Arthur claimed. For all Merlin knew they were just having dinner. Merlin had emailed Arthur and asked if he could come over 'to talk'.
Arthur had emailed back, 'what, finally lost your virginity you big poof and want some advice from Shagger of the Year (tm)? See you at 8.'
Which didn't bode well, as far as Merlin was concerned. He'd mostly taken Tom's advice and had only had one large glass of wine. Enough so that he was feeling braver, and warmer, but not so much that there was the possibility that he would vom on Arthur.
'It's open dickhead,' came Arthur's friendly voice.
Merlin shuffled in, through Leon's neat part of the set and into Arthur's messy, disgusting room. There were empty Pot Noodle pots there, wine bottles, cans of lager, crumpled bits of paper, and notes everywhere. Arthur himself was lying on his stomach on his bed, chewing the end of a pen and making notes on a pad.
'Working for once?' Merlin asked, settling himself down on Arthur's chair.
'Nah, doing my MA application. Talked it over with my DoS today and he's all for it, but I've got to jump through some academic hoops and stuff.'
'Let me know if you need any help,' Merlin said. Although he didn't know how much help he'd be.
'Cheers, Merlin,' Arthur didn't look up from his pad where he finished writing something with a flourish. He looked up and smiled.
'You have ink on your lip,' Merlin pointed out.
'Ah fuck, bad habit chewing pens, isn't it?' Arthur rubbed ineffectually at his mouth. Merlin dragged his eyes away from it. Staring wasn't going to help matters. 'What did you want to talk about? Finally pulled someone? Given up your eunuch-like ways and need some advice from a stud like me?' Arthur jokingly flexed a bicep. Merlin's knees felt weak. It was just embarrassing now.
'Um, not quite,' Merlin said. He ran a finger round the neck of his T-shirt, pulling it away from his clammy skin. 'Can I?' He gestured to an open bottle of wine.
'Yeah sure,' Arthur watched him with interest as he poured himself a mug of wine and necked it. 'What's bothering you? You're acting like you've come to beg for your life or something?'
'Ha. Ha.' The sound was strangled. The wine burned a line straight down Merlin's throat into his stomach. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Closed his eyes. 'You know what I showed you when I stayed at yours?' Merlin asked, not opening his eyes, not even a crack, not daring to look across at Arthur.
'What?' Arthur sounded confused. 'You showed me a few things - not least your rather worrying knowledge of Eurovision in the music round at the pub quiz.' He sniggered.
Merlin shook his head, opened his eyes then, 'No, no, not that. The other thing.'
Arthur was sat up on the edge of the bed, forehead furrowed. 'You're worrying me Merlin, this is weird behaviour even for you. Come on, spit it out, whatever it is.'
'The scar on my arm, where it says 'faggot'?' He spelled it out.
'Yeah,' Arthur said. 'What of it?'
Merlin wondered if he was being deliberately obtuse. 'I was bullied at school for being gay.'
'I know, mate, we've been over this already,' Arthur pulled a face, 'I don't get why you're bringing it up again.'
'You asked me then if I was gay,' Merlin blurted out.
'And you said you weren't,' Arthur's tone was measured but his eyes looked wary.
'No, no, I didn't say that.' He licked his dry lips. 'I said that I'd never done anything with a guy and-'
'Yeah, hence not gay,' Arthur put in quickly.
'No, Arthur,' Merlin said, trying desperately to be brave. 'That's not what that means...'
'I don't know what you're trying to say,' Arthur said, slowly, rubbing his forehead.
Merlin rolled his eyes, something inside him snapped suddenly and he sat up straight, glared at Arthur, 'I'm gay. I want to kiss men, date men, have sex with men, fall in love with men. Girls don't interest me, they never have - I don't desire them at all.'
'You're a virgin, Merlin, how are you supposed to know if girls interest you or not?' Arthur said witheringly, but he was picking at the skin around his nails, like he didn't know what to do with his hands.
'Fuck off Arthur, before you lost your virginity I bet you knew you fancied girls,' Merlin said.
'Yeah but,' Arthur wouldn't look at him, fixed his eyes suddenly on a corner of the paintwork that was starting to crack. 'I just don't think you know what you're saying. I've seen you pull a girl before anyway,' he said suddenly, looking pleadingly at Merlin.
'I didn't want to, she thrust her tongue down my throat!' Merlin protested, he noticed that he was practically wringing his hands with stress. 'I don't feel that way about any girls. I find men attractive, okay?'
'I just don't think you know what you're saying,' Arthur shook his head. 'I just don't think you've thought this through.'
'Of course I've fucking thought this through - I've thought about practically nothing else since I first realised I found men attractive. I've spent the vast majority of my teenage years thinking this through,' Merlin hissed.
Arthur got up then, started to pace, 'Well, I just don't think you've considered everything. I think you're confused. You don't know what you want. You-'
'I know exactly what I want, Arthur,' Merlin insisted. 'And this doesn't have to change anything between us, you know? We're still mates, yeah, best mates.'
Arthur still wouldn't look at him, 'Some kind of mate you are, keeping this secret this whole time, pretending you fancy girls, letting me tell you everything, pour out my soul and-'
'I didn't know how you'd react,' Merlin hissed. 'I was worried you'd hate me for it, that you were homophobic that,' he broke off, rubbed at his eyes, he could feel tears of self-pity welling up. 'And you're hardly doing a good job of convincing me otherwise. It really doesn't feel like you are okay with it.'
'I've never been friends with a gay before,' Arthur said, his voice breaking slightly on the word.
'Tom's gay,' Merlin pointed out. 'You were friends with him. Were being the operative word here I guess since as soon as he came out you backed off, all 'backs to the wall' or whatever around him, like you thought he'd try and fucking feel you up or something.' Merlin felt vindictive suddenly.
'It wasn't like that,' Arthur whirled on him. 'You don't understand, okay, Merlin? You know what my father stands for, what he believes, and it's not as easy as just waving a magic wand and me saying 'oh I'm fine with it', yeah? It changes things.'
'It doesn't have to,' Merlin begged him. 'We can be the same as we always were.'
'Fuck off, Merlin,' Arthur snarled. 'I get enough shit for spending so much time with you. People make comments loads about it being unhealthy, that we're like an old married couple, but I can laugh it off because I thought you were straight.' He shook his head, 'You think people won't talk now? Now they find out you're gay? That I won't get shit from my mates, thinking that we've been secretly fucking or something. It casts everything we've ever done in a different light, an unsavoury light.'
Merlin surged to his feet then, 'How dare you imply there's something unsavoury about being gay. It's who I am, Arthur, I can't change that even if I wanted to change it. And I don't,' Merlin realised suddenly that that was true. 'We're just mates, Arthur, that's all, people won't talk about us, honestly. It's normal. Like, like,' he stumbled, 'like Gwen is mates with Leon.'
'Gwen and Leon don't have intimate little sleepovers and stay at each other's houses though, do they Merlin?' Arthur shook his head, biting obsessively at his lower lip. 'Do you know how badly this reflects on me? What my Dad would do if he found out?'
'We're best mates, Arthur, please,' Merlin reached out to touch his shoulder and Arthur violently shrugged him off, whirling to face him.
'We were best mates, Merlin,' Arthur ground out. 'Not any more.'
'I-' Merlin tried again, tried to touch Arthur's arm. 'It's still me, I haven't changed. I'm the same person.'
'Stop being so willfully naive,' Arthur hissed. His lower lip was bleeding from where he'd been worrying at it. It made his face look savage, violent suddenly. 'Everything's changed, get it? Everything.'
They stood and looked at one another then, really looked, Merlin on the verge of tears and Arthur looking like he was about to punch him.
Merlin took a step back, lowered his gaze, 'I'll go,' he said, dully.
'I think that's best, Emrys. And I think it's best if you don't come round here any more. I'll still be polite, yeah? I don't hold anything against you for your,' he waved an airy hand at Merlin, 'proclivities, but I don't think it's appropriate for us to be as we were.'
'You're better than this, Arthur,' Merlin tried one last time. 'You're not like this. I know who you are, deep down, and you won't let something like this change us, I know you won't.'
But Arthur's face was closed, guarded. 'You don't know me at all,' he said, clipped and pointed.
Merlin wiped his eyes helplessly, 'I do know you. I know you better than anyone. I care about you, I-'
'I bet you do you sick fuck,' Arthur looked like he was going to throw up, like the words almost hurt him to say but he said them anyway. 'I bet you lay awake each night, tossing yourself off, imagining it was my hand touching you, imagining that I was the one making you come.'
'No,' Merlin whispered. 'Why are you doing this?'
Arthur looked away, 'Because you've probably been eying me up for weeks now, desperate to touch me, and it's not right. Now get out.'
'I hate you,' Merlin said, over his shoulder as he went. But what he meant was 'I love you. Don't do this. Please.'
'I know,' Arthur said, and there was a slight hiccough as he said it, like if Merlin looked at him he'd see the tear rolling mutinously down Arthur's cheek no matter how angry he looked.
Merlin didn't let himself crumple until he made it back to his room, lay fully clothed on his bed, and buried his face in his pillow. He'd thought it had hurt at school when he'd been burned, kicked, had his wrist broken.
But nothing hurt as much as this.
CHAPTER EIGHT