I feel a warning is necessary...
Warning: Read this with the knowledge that I am not in a very good mood. If you are not in the mood to deal with the impetuous thoughts running rampid through my mind right now then I suggest you don't read past this warning. It's my journal I can say whatever I want it's your choice to read this...remember you chose to read this before you decide to post your negativity. It probably won't be met with an open mind as I usually approach my comments. With that I begin...
So as of late I haven't had the greatest disposition. It isn't of one thing in particular its just a mass conglomeration of everything I have going on and well not going on at the same time. I tend to withdraw myself from situations and people that make me question myself or my life in general. I know its a cop out but sometimes its easier to stay in a realm all my own until I feel it necessary to deal with things. Stress of midterms and finals doesn't help the situation either. I can't even pin point what started this whole "mood" but it really pisses me off that I can't get rid of it. I dunno I just don't seem to care about anything anymore but at the same time I do honestly care and its mass confusion. I have drifted into a routine of going running or working out to try and calm myself down and to get away from my thoughts but as soon as I'm done I sort of drift back into my damn mood. It's not that I am pissed off at everyone and everything that's quite the contrary. My friends still keep me going bc they're great but in the back of my mind theres still this nagging feeling of uncertainty and pessimism hiding out. The worst thing about it is that I don't even know why it's there it just is. I know I'll get over it and be back to my usual self...not to say that I am always chipper and upbeat bc we all know I have my moments...but this stupid feeling has to go away. I think a lot of it is that when I feel out of control of any aspect of my life I wig out a bit. I'm not an idiot I know I can't control everything but when I usually have control of something and for some reason I seem to lose my grip on it I get really freaked out and either just fade from the situation or make it come to a screeching halt. (Hence the situation we were talking about yesterday James.) If If I don't have control of my life it's like well who does??? And the fact that someone or something outside of my control can make changes to my life isn't the easiest thing for me to come to terms with. I think that stems to a lot of my problems with relationships that are non platonic. People get blinded by "love" and they would do anything for the other person even at their own loss. To a certain extent that is part of what being in a relationship is. I guess in order to get what we want sometimes we have to take risks...but the hard part is figuring out for yourself whether or not taking the risk would lead to a greater gain or loss. Ask yourself if it really is greater to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I think it depends on the situation and it can't be made a universal statement. But hey thats just me and its my journal so deal with it. On a random tangent I haven't drank in a while. Well a while for me. I really don't have the desire to...and I don't think it'd help my mood. Drinking makes people fat and do dumb things. Granted it can be fun and I have had a ton of fun for the most part whenever I do go out and drink but lately I just really need to get my shit together. I need to figure out things and just be more motivated bc I am only hurting myself by putting things off. I nice swift kick in the ass to myself has been long coming and its about time that I get to class. I might continue this rant later but as of now I have to head to anthropology...
So as of late I haven't had the greatest disposition. It isn't of one thing in particular its just a mass conglomeration of everything I have going on and well not going on at the same time. I tend to withdraw myself from situations and people that make me question myself or my life in general. I know its a cop out but sometimes its easier to stay in a realm all my own until I feel it necessary to deal with things. Stress of midterms and finals doesn't help the situation either. I can't even pin point what started this whole "mood" but it really pisses me off that I can't get rid of it. I dunno I just don't seem to care about anything anymore but at the same time I do honestly care and its mass confusion. I have drifted into a routine of going running or working out to try and calm myself down and to get away from my thoughts but as soon as I'm done I sort of drift back into my damn mood. It's not that I am pissed off at everyone and everything that's quite the contrary. My friends still keep me going bc they're great but in the back of my mind theres still this nagging feeling of uncertainty and pessimism hiding out. The worst thing about it is that I don't even know why it's there it just is. I know I'll get over it and be back to my usual self...not to say that I am always chipper and upbeat bc we all know I have my moments...but this stupid feeling has to go away. I think a lot of it is that when I feel out of control of any aspect of my life I wig out a bit. I'm not an idiot I know I can't control everything but when I usually have control of something and for some reason I seem to lose my grip on it I get really freaked out and either just fade from the situation or make it come to a screeching halt. (Hence the situation we were talking about yesterday James.) If If I don't have control of my life it's like well who does??? And the fact that someone or something outside of my control can make changes to my life isn't the easiest thing for me to come to terms with. I think that stems to a lot of my problems with relationships that are non platonic. People get blinded by "love" and they would do anything for the other person even at their own loss. To a certain extent that is part of what being in a relationship is. I guess in order to get what we want sometimes we have to take risks...but the hard part is figuring out for yourself whether or not taking the risk would lead to a greater gain or loss. Ask yourself if it really is greater to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I think it depends on the situation and it can't be made a universal statement. But hey thats just me and its my journal so deal with it. On a random tangent I haven't drank in a while. Well a while for me. I really don't have the desire to...and I don't think it'd help my mood. Drinking makes people fat and do dumb things. Granted it can be fun and I have had a ton of fun for the most part whenever I do go out and drink but lately I just really need to get my shit together. I need to figure out things and just be more motivated bc I am only hurting myself by putting things off. I nice swift kick in the ass to myself has been long coming and its about time that I get to class. I might continue this rant later but as of now I have to head to anthropology...