Thoughts...
So I went to Pittsburgh this past weekend for fall break and had a great time. I truly love it up there and I love the people. If I could I'd move up there with no thought at all. Of course I had a great time with Kirst. It's just so nice to get to spend time with her. We did get into it a bit one night but now that I think about it, I realize that I shouldn't have acted quite in the way. I'm so proud of her though because she got hired to do a show in Conneticutt over the summer. She totally blew the audition people away and I couldn't have wished anything better for her. The only part that sucks is that I won't be able to spend time with her this summer. Hopefully though we will be able to stay strong throughout the summer and stay together. It will be hard but I know for sure that I'm willing to do it. This kinda leads into the next part of this journal...the thoughts part.
Today I had a little mini breakdown while talking to Kirst. Lately I keep questioning her and how she feels about our relationship. The only reason I have for this is because of what has happened in the past. Another reason for this is part of me being insecure, which was discussed in an earlier journal that I have since deleted. Basically I'm insecure because I feel like I'm nothing great as a boyfriend, like I'm just a regular guy and that there are all these other great guys out there better than me. I don't know why I think like this, I mean I don't think any other guy would give everything to Kirst like I try to. It's just me. It's just my crazy twisted head. I just don't understand why it works this way. Why can't I just let things happen and not worry about crap??? Why can't I be more like Kirst in the way that she never worries about me? How come I'm the only one that worries about losing the person I love? But ultimately, why do I question so much? I would just love for once to put my mind at rest and not think of anything. I would like to wake up and just realize and say to myself, "Kirstie loves me and only me and I don't ever need to worry about any other guy." I feel like she's able to say that about me and I want to feel that same way.
I don't know exactly where this is all going. I just don't understand why my mind works the way it does. Is it because she's cheated on me or just because I'm insecure? I don't know. The only thing that I know for certain is that I want to fix it. I hope that if Kirst reads this, she will understand what I'm trying to say and not feel like I'm trying to blame it all on her. And please if anyone has any advice, feel free to leave it. I've got to fix this issue I have now, because until I do it's just going to eat away at me. Once again, sorry if this makes no sense. This jounral is mainly for me to just get some crap out. Night.
Today I had a little mini breakdown while talking to Kirst. Lately I keep questioning her and how she feels about our relationship. The only reason I have for this is because of what has happened in the past. Another reason for this is part of me being insecure, which was discussed in an earlier journal that I have since deleted. Basically I'm insecure because I feel like I'm nothing great as a boyfriend, like I'm just a regular guy and that there are all these other great guys out there better than me. I don't know why I think like this, I mean I don't think any other guy would give everything to Kirst like I try to. It's just me. It's just my crazy twisted head. I just don't understand why it works this way. Why can't I just let things happen and not worry about crap??? Why can't I be more like Kirst in the way that she never worries about me? How come I'm the only one that worries about losing the person I love? But ultimately, why do I question so much? I would just love for once to put my mind at rest and not think of anything. I would like to wake up and just realize and say to myself, "Kirstie loves me and only me and I don't ever need to worry about any other guy." I feel like she's able to say that about me and I want to feel that same way.
I don't know exactly where this is all going. I just don't understand why my mind works the way it does. Is it because she's cheated on me or just because I'm insecure? I don't know. The only thing that I know for certain is that I want to fix it. I hope that if Kirst reads this, she will understand what I'm trying to say and not feel like I'm trying to blame it all on her. And please if anyone has any advice, feel free to leave it. I've got to fix this issue I have now, because until I do it's just going to eat away at me. Once again, sorry if this makes no sense. This jounral is mainly for me to just get some crap out. Night.